I have let fear make so many decisions for me.....
Fear of falling.....
Fear of standing out.....
Fear of unknown places....
Fear of dying.....
This has led to me being so cautious where I walk. It has led me to not trying to walk to places I would like to see. This has led me to limiting where I go. This has led me to missing some great adventures. This has lead me to missing out on life.
Fear of change.....
Fear of doing things alone......
Fear of flying.......
Fear of not completing my bucket list......
This has led me to staying in situations that need to change. This had led me to missing out on what I assume would be some great adventures. This may lead me to maybe never traveling to the places I have dreamt of :-( . If I let the fear take over how can I complete my bucket list.
I need to stop being afraid and start doing. I have a bucket list and I need to start checking off tasks. One problem is finding the time. When you work the hours I do.... finding the time to smell the roses is limited. Will the office close down if I leave work on time to hit the gym......probably not......but I am afraid of falling behind.......
Getting on a plane to travel places several times in the last 2 years has been a very big challenge for me. I did it but not without a lot of angst, stress and fear. UGH......
I want to write more.....once again the problem is.....finding the time.
I want , I want, I want........but how do I fix this part of me.....how do I go from planning everything and I mean everything to the nth degree????
How do I become impulsive when I am a control freak?????
What the hell in my life made me this way........is it only my weight???? Is that the killer of my self-confidence and the creator of my fears????
I really have to find some answers and do some soul searching........I need to change........I don't want to be the person always listening to others adventures, saying goodbye to others as they go off carefree.........I want to be the writer, the traveler, the adventurer........
I just have to figure out how to start........how to take that first baby step........how to look my fears in the face and say "you are not stopping me anymore!!!"
The only problem is I am too afraid to.........
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Sunday, June 16, 2013
I Had A Dad .....that's different from a Father......
We have all heard the saying "Anyone can be a Father but it takes someone special to be a Dad". I was lucky I had a Dad.
My Dad could silence a table with "the look".
He only hit me 2 times in my life.....once when I was about 5 and went around the corner without permission (considering it was the Bronx and they had no idea where I was the spanking I got was justified) and the other time I was 16 and decided to invite about 40 of my closest friends to a party while my parents were out and I was babysitting. Dad came home to change his shirt (thanks Mom for washing clothes right after fiberglass curtains) and found teenagers pouring out of doors and windows. Yes, he hit me and I deserved it. He changed and went back to meet my mother. He called about an hour later to apologize for losing his temper. He was not a physical person so this went way against his grain.
He took us cross country in a station wagon.
He took me to a Father Daughter Dance.
He loved his family, good food (sometimes the food took first position) and the holidays.
We had Christmas's that were not to be believed.....from the special Christmas Eve dinner he prepared himself to gifts that were over the top. He loved to decorate the house for Christmas and made you believe in the "magic".
He had a bar built in our den and he loved sitting behind it serving drinks and holding court with who ever wanted to join him. The conversation would move topic to topic usually the topic was determined by Dad.
He loved poetry. I found some of the poems he used to recite to us and have them saved on my computer.
He loved Pavarotti and country music.
He could do a good Lindy or Savoy and my Mom was pretty good at following him.
He was patriotic and loved being a politician.
He had a great laugh when you could get him to laugh.
He loved the Yankees and the NY Giants.
He loved Italy and Hawaii.
He could be tough and also compassionate,
He loved his Corvette (his dream car).
He loved Martini's.
He loved being a lawyer.
He loved being at home , reading a book and falling asleep in front of the fireplace.
He loved his children and his grandchildren.
He loved my Mom.
And yes I can say he loved me.
He left us at 51. Hard to believe I have lived longer than he did.
His final lesson was teaching us how to face a tough enemy....Cancer.....and how to fight and how to die.
Happy Father's Day Dad......I miss you every day........
My Dad could silence a table with "the look".
He only hit me 2 times in my life.....once when I was about 5 and went around the corner without permission (considering it was the Bronx and they had no idea where I was the spanking I got was justified) and the other time I was 16 and decided to invite about 40 of my closest friends to a party while my parents were out and I was babysitting. Dad came home to change his shirt (thanks Mom for washing clothes right after fiberglass curtains) and found teenagers pouring out of doors and windows. Yes, he hit me and I deserved it. He changed and went back to meet my mother. He called about an hour later to apologize for losing his temper. He was not a physical person so this went way against his grain.
He took us cross country in a station wagon.
He took me to a Father Daughter Dance.
He loved his family, good food (sometimes the food took first position) and the holidays.
We had Christmas's that were not to be believed.....from the special Christmas Eve dinner he prepared himself to gifts that were over the top. He loved to decorate the house for Christmas and made you believe in the "magic".
He had a bar built in our den and he loved sitting behind it serving drinks and holding court with who ever wanted to join him. The conversation would move topic to topic usually the topic was determined by Dad.
He loved poetry. I found some of the poems he used to recite to us and have them saved on my computer.
He loved Pavarotti and country music.
He could do a good Lindy or Savoy and my Mom was pretty good at following him.
He was patriotic and loved being a politician.
He had a great laugh when you could get him to laugh.
He loved the Yankees and the NY Giants.
He loved Italy and Hawaii.
He could be tough and also compassionate,
He loved his Corvette (his dream car).
He loved Martini's.
He loved being a lawyer.
He loved being at home , reading a book and falling asleep in front of the fireplace.
He loved his children and his grandchildren.
He loved my Mom.
And yes I can say he loved me.
He left us at 51. Hard to believe I have lived longer than he did.
His final lesson was teaching us how to face a tough enemy....Cancer.....and how to fight and how to die.
Happy Father's Day Dad......I miss you every day........
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Beaches.....(not the movie).....
I love the beach. The sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean and the feeling of the sun soaking into my skin. Yes, I use sun screen!!!!!
My first exposure to the beach was Orchard Beach in the Bronx. Mom and Dad packing up us kids early on a Sunday morning along with towels, blankets, cooler and food for the day. Playing in the water for hours. Building sand castles. Your feet getting hot walking on the sand and Mom wrapping a towel around you to change before heading home.
As a teenager, it was the Jersey Shore. Two glorious weeks each summer at the shore. Mornings Dad would do some surf cast fishing. Usually, Dad would be heading back to the house right around the time the rest of us were walking up to the beach. Dad was not a fan of sitting in the sun. Or maybe he was just smart, his timing meant he had all day by himself to sit by the bay and read in peace and quiet. I was an admitted sun worshipper..... a bottle of Sun In (which turned my hair orange)in one hand and a bottle of baby oil and iodine in the other.....what was I thinking???
Later on I was lucky enough to spend time on beaches in California with my Mom's family, Bermuda with college friends for spring break, the Hawaiian islands (4 of them) and last summer Barbados.
I have watched the sun rise while traveling with some girlfriends to Virginia Beach and also at Ocean City Maryland when Jenn was small.
Most recently, I have friends who have opened their beach house to their friends. What is better than watching the tide rise on the salt marshes? or seeing more stars in the night than you thought were possible? or sitting on a bench at the top of a walkway to the beach reading a book, listening to an IPOD and people watching. How about going to the beach at high tide and walking down the stairs to the beach and putting your feet in the surprisingly warm water and then laughing as you try not to slip off the step into the water.
When I retire....which isn't that far off.....10 years or so.......I will find a way to move there.
I find my happiness at the beach..... I find my soul listening to the ocean....... I am at peace when I hear the sound of the waves and smell the ocean in the breeze..........
My first exposure to the beach was Orchard Beach in the Bronx. Mom and Dad packing up us kids early on a Sunday morning along with towels, blankets, cooler and food for the day. Playing in the water for hours. Building sand castles. Your feet getting hot walking on the sand and Mom wrapping a towel around you to change before heading home.
As a teenager, it was the Jersey Shore. Two glorious weeks each summer at the shore. Mornings Dad would do some surf cast fishing. Usually, Dad would be heading back to the house right around the time the rest of us were walking up to the beach. Dad was not a fan of sitting in the sun. Or maybe he was just smart, his timing meant he had all day by himself to sit by the bay and read in peace and quiet. I was an admitted sun worshipper..... a bottle of Sun In (which turned my hair orange)in one hand and a bottle of baby oil and iodine in the other.....what was I thinking???
Later on I was lucky enough to spend time on beaches in California with my Mom's family, Bermuda with college friends for spring break, the Hawaiian islands (4 of them) and last summer Barbados.
I have watched the sun rise while traveling with some girlfriends to Virginia Beach and also at Ocean City Maryland when Jenn was small.
Most recently, I have friends who have opened their beach house to their friends. What is better than watching the tide rise on the salt marshes? or seeing more stars in the night than you thought were possible? or sitting on a bench at the top of a walkway to the beach reading a book, listening to an IPOD and people watching. How about going to the beach at high tide and walking down the stairs to the beach and putting your feet in the surprisingly warm water and then laughing as you try not to slip off the step into the water.
When I retire....which isn't that far off.....10 years or so.......I will find a way to move there.
I find my happiness at the beach..... I find my soul listening to the ocean....... I am at peace when I hear the sound of the waves and smell the ocean in the breeze..........
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