"But the truth is, even when our brain convinces us we're lost--if we try hard enough, our bodies always remind us there's a way back--prepares us for whatever fight lies ahead." Grey's Anatomy
Please do not read this and think, the girl has lost her mind. I have not. I am just sharing with you what I feel that you may not see.
I am sure I am not unique in having or facing fears.
Don't we all have things we fear?
As I get older, my fears increase.
Not that I was one who was ever viewed as brave.
Indecisive definitely.
There are things I used to love that now I am fearful of such as amusement park rides. It used to be the scarier the better. I used to be excited about airports. I still love to fly but the traveling within the terminals pushes me over the edge. I want to go to Italy but the walking and the stairs scare the crap out of me. Maybe I need to see Tuscany and Rome from a van or a bus if possible?
Here is my murders row of fears:
1. The fear of falling.
It is overwhelming.
A broken arm one time and 20+ stitches in the face on another occasion have led me to walk slowly.
Very slowly. Cautiously.
Walking like I am 90 years old.
Always looking down.
It's not that I don't want to make eye contact with people.
I don't want to fall.
2. The fear of crowds.
Walking in crowds never used to bother me.
Now, I walk in a crowd and I feel like I am back on a crowded subway.
No room to breathe.
People invading my space.
I feel like I should have a few feet perimeter around me that no one can invade.
That might be the reason I don't give or accept hugs easily.
3. The fear of unfamiliar places.
Once I know the lay of the land, I am not fearful.
When I know I am going someplace new, I will look at it online. I will try to look at the parking and where I might have to walk and how far.
Even after all this pre-work, as I walk in a new place, my heart races and inside I am a bunch of nerves.
Once I am settled in, my heart rate goes back to normal and I am at ease.
Until I have to leave and walk the same route I did on the way in.
I ask for rooms near elevators, preferably on low floors.
I ask for walk in showers.
And biggest change of all is I ask for help when needed. If a curb is too high or stairs have no railing or ground is unlevel, I will ask for an arm. I would rather ask for help while standing vertical than laying horizontal.
4. Fear of letting the fears consume me or force me to make changes in my life.
If I allow these fears and others to control my life, I lose.
I continue to push myself. Not without some trepidation. I cannot allow my fears to make my world smaller. If I allow that to happen, I will disappear.
Please continue to ask me to do things. Understand if I say no it could be for a variety of reasons: I am tired, I am being lazy, I am enjoying my time off from work or I just don't want to do what someone else wants to do.
If I do agree to do something, please bear with my nerves, maybe a few tears or my constant chattering to cover up for my nervousness.
I am at a point in my life where my world needs to grow not shrink.
The easiest option would to be to hang out in my recliner and watch the world go by.
I am not taking the easy route.
I ask that you understand me, help me and put up with me.
What I am planning to do to help deal with my fears, good question.
Walking more even if just the shortest of distances will help build my confidence. I still might need an arm to help me though so bear with me.
Getting back on the healthy eating track. This is very hard with my work schedule, commute and small amount of time at home. I get bored and tired of eating the same food. I WILL figure it out.
Continue to dream. Without dreams what do we have?
Write. This is the one craft where I can do anything, be anything, make it all up in my head and change it at will. I am the boss of my creative writing.
I am also going to try hard to not focus on what I have lost but on what I have gained from people I have loved.
I am going to wake each day thankful for the sunrise and with gratitude enjoy the sunsets.
And I will pray for strength, help and confidence.
Amen.
See you next week.
