I Have Seen The Face of Courage and Her Name Is Gina.....

I had planned on my first blog entry after my trip to see my Ohana (that means family for those not fluent in Hawaiian) in Missouri to be about the 5 day love fest I experienced.  I will still write about that life changing event but something more important needs to be written now.......

When I read about my dear cousin's PET scan findings, I needed time to process and think about what I would say to her if we were in person or through this entry.  I spent last night searching for the right words of comfort, encouragement and support.  I struggled....

Many of our Ohana were quick to write wonderful words of prayer, hope and love.  And still I struggled......my brother, George, said what I was feeling..."I feel lost and don't know what to do".

Well after thinking about it all night here are my thoughts (some of which have already been said by others).....

Gina you are the most amazing, courageous and strong person I have ever met!!!!! I love that you said cancer does not own your mind......it sure as hell doesn't!!! Seeing you in the Frat house last week and the way you celebrated our time together was not only incredible but also one heck of a good time!!!

You are a survivor in every sense of the word.......the mental battle you face every day, your faith in God and your ability to smile, and hug and love makes you an inspiration to me and all who know you.

I have spent the last 4 years living with a victim of cancer.  It has taken a toll on relationships and lives.  Jenn and I watched you in awe last week and both said "too bad Bob didn't fight the mental battle with a quarter of the energy you use each day."

You know that all of your Ohana is there with you, wrapping their arms around you, praying with you and telling you they love you.  The miles that separate us are only that......miles.  But our hearts are together as one.  We are with you each second of every day ready to walk with you all the steps of your journey.

You have looked cancer in the eye and said "You don't control me!!!!"  You have a joy that you share with others and it is contagious.  Your smile makes others smile.  Your strength makes others strong. 

There are things that happen in everyday life that we complain about.....whether it be an ache or a pain, a car repair bill or a spouse who just doesn't get it.  We tend to get wrapped up in the me of life.  You on the other hand have not made this about you when you had every right to......not once have I heard you say why me??

I am so proud of you......you are someone I look up to.......you are the kind of person I want to be......you have taught us all.  That's pretty great....to be a teacher.

I want to thank you for your amazing attitude.  You have my prayers, my love and my belief that you will win this battle. 

Yes, I have seen the face of courage and Gina the face of courage is you!!!!

Fear Part Two........

Yes, this is another entry about fear.....part due to the responses I received from last weeks entry and  part due to some changes I am going to try to or will be making.

First the feedback......

I am never quite sure what entry might make an impact on those who read this blog.  Last week was one of those entries that was responded to by a lot of you.  Here is a sample of the responses...
you need to write more.......you should have included that you have trouble making decisions........you are saying what I feel.......you have the knack for writing.......I wanted to read more.......we are all here cheering for you as you try new things.......thanks for you honesty and you may think you fear things but how many people put their fears, feelings and emotions right out there for all to see and read.  I consider that brave......

To address these responses, here I go......

I have never thought of myself as brave.  But maybe my friend is right......it is not always easy to share personal things about myself especially since most of the things I write about exist in my head.

I so appreciate the friends who say they will cheer me on as I try new things.

The friend who said I should have included more about my indecision.....maybe you are right.  I do sit on the fence until I either am forced to make a decision, or decided to stall a decision or take the easy way out.  Just call me Humpty Dumpty......I only hope when I fall off the wall this friend will be among those who will help to put me together again.

The encouragement to write more.......as you all know I don't compliment myself easily.  But one of the things I am sure of is that I write well.  I have committed myself to one hour a week just to write and that does not include the time I devote to this blog.  I have a zillion ideas in my head and have written some down.  I think if I start to piece them together there might be a story out there.  I am also going to start to get in touch with a few magazines and see if I can break into being published that way too.

Now the things I am willing to try or changes I am making.....

In a few weeks I will be starting a new job at TD.  (once again I did need some guidance from friends to make the decision....see a pattern here??).  I am going to be managing a new team.  The easy way would have been to stay where I was since I know how to do my current job.  But after much thought (my usual 24 hours to process things), I decided to jump into the deep end of the pool feet first.  I think the change will be good. 

I am promising myself that while at my family reunion I will be myself.....not the person I think I am supposed to be.  I will try not to say NO to opportunities while in Missouri.  OK I WILL NOT be hanging my fat ass off the back of my cousins boat trying to wake board......I said, I would try things I didn't say I was taking total leave of my senses....The main thing I want to do is have fun, share and hug people that I care about that I don't get to see too often.

When I return from that trip, I once again am recommitting myself to my journey to lose weight.  Back to the gym on a regular basis, figuring out which plan to use for weight lose and trying the ones I think will work until I am successful.  AND I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!

Time to write....a minimum of one hour a week.....whether it be an article or a book I am trying to put down on paper.

Yes, the fears are still there but I am trying to chase them away!!!! I hope the fears disappear with my weight loss and my self-confidence returns.

Thank you to all who continue to just read or comment and provide feedback.  In your own way, you each show me how much you care about me.

Someday, I hope to be the person I want to be ......weighing less, less fearful, more confident and less self-conscious.......that's a tall order but I think it is one I can accomplish......you will just have to keep reading to see how this all turns out......it is a story to which I have not written the next chapter but the outline is there........I just have to devote the time needed to make it happen.....

Here is the start of the next chapter.......as Donna continued on the road to the life she wanted to live she looked around and realized she need to make decisions and move forward.......

Let's hope I can end with and she lived happily ever after........