It's true....like an ostrich I stick my head in the sand. I think things can't be fixed.....the storm door handle breaks...I leave it broken....... the grill doesn't light....I leave it unused......nothing can be fixed. Or can it???
This is one of the hardest entries I have written.......and one of the most personal........short of telling you how much I weigh.....it will probably never get any more personal than this.....at least nothing I can think of now.
Most of you are aware things have not been right in the Pizzo house for a while now. And they haven't been. You go into a relationship thinking it is forever.....at least I really believed that 30 plus years ago.......
Life throws you curves that you don't anticipate. People change. People grown in different directions.
I thought I could get through it all......I thought we could get through it all.......I was wrong.
I live in a house where the communication is down to necessary conversation only. We swap the bedroom weeks at a time. I have it one week ....he has it the next.
What should I blame......30 years of financial struggles.......cancer....unemployment??? Each one of those may have played a part but I have seen people endure more than that and still stay together.
We are not soul mates......
I envy the people who tell everyone how great their spouse is and how they love them. I see a couple walking along holding hands. I see people reference their date nights with their spouses. I am jealous of them all.......
So do I settle......do we settle????
This relationship is winding down......sailing in to the sunset....slowly......there is a lot to work through......trying to be fair and leave both of us in a good place. The legalities will come eventually.......I compare this to slowly taking off a band aid instead of ripping it off.
I have referred to myself as a failure......or this relationship as a failure.......but can any relationship that produced a great daughter like Jenn ever be considered a failure??? NEVER!!!!
I didn't write my entry last week because I had a lot on my mind.
I went and had my wedding ring cut off. I cried as I looked at the ring finger that hadn't been bare in over 30 years. There are still marks on the finger where the ring once was.....I still reach to adjust it on my hand......and then get sad when I realize it is no longer there......
While this is not the way I expected it to turn out when I said for richer for poorer in sickness and in health.......I can find no way to make it work any more.
As I look ahead.....I see myself alone....and that scares me.......
But I also look to a time when I can watch Jenn off on her own adventures, when I can spend my time writing and live near some beach......
Right now I am terrified....
You need to know that Bob is not a bad guy or the villain.....we both have had a part in this.....I just think this is too broken too repair.
Please do not avoid me or Bob. I tell my family please come to see us if you want....we still make that work and I would hate not to see people who want to spend time with us.
I think putting this all down in words makes it more real......and makes me cry as I read it back.....
Say a prayer for us as we work though this process ......
After all is said and done...........I still believe in love.....
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What a BRAVE and honest post. You stated the truth and nothing more/less. I hope it was a starting point for you both to move into the next step of life. Dr. Phil says that before you get a divorce you should be able to put a voice to all of the parts and then you can find closure. I hope your voice was heard. Time will heal your fears and you will find a life of happiness again, just in a different form. My prayers will be for comfort and guidance as you make this journey. And the family, friends you spoke to...they now know and can do with the knowledge what they will. Stand strong!
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