Hanging in through the stress and the sadness.......

If stress can be self-created then I am the master of this process.

Month end at work is always stressful it that is the nature of the mortgage business.  After all these years of month end after month end, you get through it and before you know it.......it is month end again.

 Life out side of work has it's own stress.  The hot water needs to be replaced. Will my car that is getting up in miles need a major repair anytime soon? Will I have ever be able to retire? Does the fact that I dream every single night mean I have some health issue?

See where I am going with this......

My worries turn into stress and then I start to feel sad.  I really do try and fight off the worries......really. But is is part of my makeup.

As I continue to clean out, throw out, donate and purge it can be stressful.  Should I keep this....why.....why not....

I can look at a t shirt and memories flood back to an event or an outing or a holiday.

Today, I pitched the cards I had packed away from my baby shower (remember the baby the gifts were for is over 30 years old).  I came across an old satin bag filled with wedding cards.  I opened a few but realized that so many of the people the cards were from are gone. Those cards got tossed too.....

I cleaned out a dresser and donated another 21 books (yes on top of the 90+ from last week).

My night table is now empty.  I have moved all the items that were in the two drawers to another place or thrown out.  Why did I keep mittens, gloves and scarves in the 2nd drawer of my night table......I have no idea......

Through this process of cleaning out I feel so many emotions......good memories, sadness and a feeling I would equate with cleaning out the personal items of someone who has died. That may seem extreme but the tears do fall.  I look at the cards and t shirts and books and think of the promise and hope and excitement I felt when I bought or was given them.

Maybe I am like a caterpillar and just waiting to take on a new form?  My weight loss/ healthier life journey is part of that process......the struggle is real.....the transformation is painstakingly slow but the success is visible and that does make me smile..... at some point I will completely emerge from my cocoon......

During all of this purging, I did find a way to add something positive to the process.

My brother had given me my Mom's antique desk (he said since I was the writer in the family I should have it).  It has been sitting in my room....empty......just taking up space and surviving no purpose.

In a moment of sheer brilliance (OK not quite that extreme), I decided to take all of my writing materials, books, pens, journals and put them in the desk.  I added my books about Italy, lighthouses and other things I love.  A very special binder with letters from family and friends has a place now too. Now, I can find a note card and not have to search all over.

I am so happy with "my space"!! I look at it and smile......so from pain, stress, worry and sadness....I managed to find something peaceful and just about me.....

Here are some pic's of the desk.......

Oh just a couple more things......I am working through one of the hardest times in my life......but I will make it through......changing is not always easy.....life is not always easy but like the desk......I can find things to make me smile.......I have to remember that my healthier life journey has been going on for a while and hit its peaks and valleys but I am determined to get to my goal........just like the caterpillar.......just starting to break out.....starting Chapter 3......finally......

LOL and just one more thing......I have been banned from buying gel pens.......once I had gathered them all I have over 40....yes..... over 40 gel pens......I guess I will be writing a lot .....in a variety of colors........for a long, long time.....

See you next week.........

Weekends Are For Relaxing???????

It starts simply......

Jenn said "let's clean out the spice/baking cabinet". And from there it was the pantry, the cookbooks, the book case, other cabinets and closets.

By the time we were done and on our way to Goodwill, the second seat in my Escape was filled to capacity. We had everything from clothes to coffee mugs to a toaster and other kitchen items and a grand total of 91 books......yes, I said 91 books.  Cookbooks, sports books, biographies......you name it we donated it.

But do not fear.....we still have plenty of books I was not ready to part with......

I was able to organize the antique desk that was once my Mom's.  The desk now has all off my writing paraphernalia, my books about my dream trip to Italy, a book about Cheese, gel pens, glittered covered notebooks and on and on.  It is a space that is all about me.  I have my books filled with my 5 good things about each day that I have been writing for several years all in one place.

I kept cookbooks that have recipes that I might actually use.  I also couldn't part with my Betty Crocker and Better Homes  and Garden cookbooks I was given over 34 years ago. I also kept the binders I have with recipes I cut out and saved over the years.  Each binder has pockets which contain index cards with Christmas cookie recipes.  When you look at the well worn index cards you can see the history of how often they were used by the stains from vanilla and butter that ended up on them.

There were also some practical decision......old newspapers that seemed significant at the time were pitched, the coffee maker was donated since it was replaced by a Keurig a few years ago and some tops I bought just a year ago that have gotten too big are also gone.

As I write this, Jenn is still working.......I have run out of steam.

Due to all that work I have a great space of my own.  I  have more counter space in the kitchen and to I have reclaimed my living room which had become the Goodwill staging zone.

In addition to doing all this purging, Jenn and I also cooked and baked for the week.  We are both exhausted........what kind of weekend was this???? Not relaxing for sure but I am feeling a sense of satisfaction at all we got done.

Are we finished?  Yes, for this weekend but we there will be more weekends like this one in our future.....ugh.

I found time this morning to get back to Weight Watchers, after a few week break for Labor Day and I missed my meeting last week due to bronchitis.  It was good to be back and it was a well timed theme for me......tracking, tracking, tracking.......I had been slack the last few weeks but today's meeting definitely has me back on track (pardon the pun).

The last week has been a challenge for a variety of reasons and due to coughing fits.....I terribly miss sleeping in a position other than sitting up.

Not the most fun week I have ever had but at least it ended with a sense of accomplishment......

See you next week........

The Year Is Almost Over By Memorial Day

I always think of December 26th as one of the saddest days of the year.  Another long 365 (or 366) days to go until my favorite day of the year....Christmas Eve....... rolls around again.  When I was young, the time from 12/26 of one year to 12/24 of the next year took forever.

Now, it seems like in the blink of an eye and the holidays are coming around again.

I love the holidays from Halloween through Christmas....(New Years Eve has always been a let down for me unless one of my favorite college teams is playing New Year's Day).

In New York, we kept our tree up until the 12th day of Christmas (January 6th).  In the South, leaving the Christmas tree up into the New Year is bad luck. As I have adopted some southern ways, the tree usually comes down New Years Eve. Also a lot of people in the South put up their Christmas tree on Thanksgiving.  I used to think that was too early but then again in the South...... I see Christmas trees sitting by the side of the road on Christmas night......how sad......

Anyway back to the title of this entry......

Here is the way I see it....the year goes a little slow from Jan 1st though Memorial Day (unless the NY Giants are in the Super Bowl then the beginning of February can be a big event).  Then time flies.....it is a short 6 weeks from Memorial Day to July 4th and then another quick 6-7 weeks to Labor Day. And once the kids are back in school and Labor Day has passed it seems that before I know it we are putting up the Christmas decorations.

The days pass quicker as I get older.....kind of scary.......

This entry regarding the passage of time got me thinking about a column Erma Bombeck wrote years ago about "saving things"......

How many of you are like me and save things for special occasions?  I don't use the good china because I might break a piece.  I burn the seasonal candles sparingly instead of enjoying the aroma of McIntosh Apples or Christmas Wreath throughout the house. Up until recently, I could have died with a lingerie drawer filled with unworn unmentionables.  I am afraid to wear most of my good jewelry because I might lose it.

I finally thought...what am I waiting for???? I have started wearing them items I mentioned above.  I will burn those damn candles.....after all I can buy more.  The good china.....at some point I will use it for a dinner in the middle of the week....maybe for a sandwich or salad.

With the quick passing of each season......I find myself thinking "where has the year gone or where has the time gone?"

Jenn read me something the other day that said incoming High School Freshman (I think it is still OK to use the term Freshman except at Princeton where they are now called First-Year Students).  The piece Jenn shared with me said 9/11/01 would be taught as part of history since the Freshman were not alive when that event took place. To the class of 2020, Wayne Gretsky and John Elway have always been retired.   Jenn's University 101 class was not familiar with Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

I am grateful I grew up in a time of playing outside until the street lights came on, where 50 cents could buy me 2 slices of pizza and a soda, where you could sit through a movie more than once(and not have to pay again) and any given Saturday or Sunday could include the family piling in the car to go for a ride......yes, a simple ride in a car. I can still remember sitting in the back seat of the station wagon facing backwards as we rode to nowhere in particular........maybe the fact that these events took place close to 50 years ago makes them seem better in my memory than they actually were......

As I sit here looking toward another autumn followed quickly by the balance of 2016, I would like time to slow down just a bit........too bad that is something I can't control.......and before we know it......it will be Memorial Day again and another year gone.......

In my head though..... will be the thoughts and memories of a little girl laying her head by the open window of a Kingswood Estate station wagon enjoying the warm breeze as we would ride to points unknown on a Labor Day weekend.......

See you next week........