Month end at work is always stressful it that is the nature of the mortgage business. After all these years of month end after month end, you get through it and before you know it.......it is month end again.
Life out side of work has it's own stress. The hot water needs to be replaced. Will my car that is getting up in miles need a major repair anytime soon? Will I have ever be able to retire? Does the fact that I dream every single night mean I have some health issue?
See where I am going with this......
My worries turn into stress and then I start to feel sad. I really do try and fight off the worries......really. But is is part of my makeup.
As I continue to clean out, throw out, donate and purge it can be stressful. Should I keep this....why.....why not....
I can look at a t shirt and memories flood back to an event or an outing or a holiday.
Today, I pitched the cards I had packed away from my baby shower (remember the baby the gifts were for is over 30 years old). I came across an old satin bag filled with wedding cards. I opened a few but realized that so many of the people the cards were from are gone. Those cards got tossed too.....
I cleaned out a dresser and donated another 21 books (yes on top of the 90+ from last week).
My night table is now empty. I have moved all the items that were in the two drawers to another place or thrown out. Why did I keep mittens, gloves and scarves in the 2nd drawer of my night table......I have no idea......
Through this process of cleaning out I feel so many emotions......good memories, sadness and a feeling I would equate with cleaning out the personal items of someone who has died. That may seem extreme but the tears do fall. I look at the cards and t shirts and books and think of the promise and hope and excitement I felt when I bought or was given them.
Maybe I am like a caterpillar and just waiting to take on a new form? My weight loss/ healthier life journey is part of that process......the struggle is real.....the transformation is painstakingly slow but the success is visible and that does make me smile..... at some point I will completely emerge from my cocoon......
During all of this purging, I did find a way to add something positive to the process.
My brother had given me my Mom's antique desk (he said since I was the writer in the family I should have it). It has been sitting in my room....empty......just taking up space and surviving no purpose.
In a moment of sheer brilliance (OK not quite that extreme), I decided to take all of my writing materials, books, pens, journals and put them in the desk. I added my books about Italy, lighthouses and other things I love. A very special binder with letters from family and friends has a place now too. Now, I can find a note card and not have to search all over.
I am so happy with "my space"!! I look at it and smile......so from pain, stress, worry and sadness....I managed to find something peaceful and just about me.....
Here are some pic's of the desk.......
Oh just a couple more things......I am working through one of the hardest times in my life......but I will make it through......changing is not always easy.....life is not always easy but like the desk......I can find things to make me smile.......I have to remember that my healthier life journey has been going on for a while and hit its peaks and valleys but I am determined to get to my goal........just like the caterpillar.......just starting to break out.....starting Chapter 3......finally......
LOL and just one more thing......I have been banned from buying gel pens.......once I had gathered them all I have over 40....yes..... over 40 gel pens......I guess I will be writing a lot .....in a variety of colors........for a long, long time.....
See you next week.........
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