Frozen in time

My Dad died when he was 51.  Way to young and too soon.  When I think of him, he is 51.  He hasn’t aged.  I cannot picture him with gray or white hair.  I cannot picture him old.

My Mom will always be 75.  We were fortunate to have her as long as we did.  Although, I sure would have loved more years with her.

The people from my high school yearbook for the most part are still 17-18.  They haven’t changed in my mind since the last time I saw them as we walked across the football field to “Pomp and Circumstance”.  Out of our Senior Class of around 300 students, I haven’t seen more than about 10% of them since graduation.

You might be wondering where I am heading with this train of thought?

I was talking to Jenn about when we might get back to going to the office.  It could be months or never.

Who knows.

Jenn said maybe just to pack my things.

And that is when I started to think how strange the office must look.

Desk and wall calendars left on March.

My planner still open to March 13th.

The Saint Patrick’s Day tree still decorated in my office

Easter decorations sitting in a bag by my desk.

Dust collecting over everything.

The bottle of coffee creamer that has long since expired.

And rows and rows of deserted desks.

Empty hallways.

The break room and conference room not in use.

No cars in the parking lot.

Like a ghost town.

Our lives have been frozen too.

Staring week 16 of working from home.

Leaving the house once a week.

Always having a mask in my pocketbook.

The new normal.

The pandemic has tuned our world upside down.

And to think I thought things couldn’t get worse or more challenging.

Boy was I wrong.

See you next week.

In case you are wondering how Jeter is making out during this work and stay at home time.

He is stressed to the max.

Still a struggle but looking for some light

“Every sunset brings the promise of a new dawn.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I do wake each day with hope of a peaceful day.  Sadly, the struggle is still present.

I wrote two weeks ago, I was struggling and felt lost.

I was amazed at the reaction I received to my admission of feeling so torn.

I barely had hit publish when I received a call from a dear old friend.  Our conversation brought me to tears more than once (what a surprise).  This person called to tell me her thoughts about me as a person.  She warmed my heart.

The days that followed led me through a myriad of conversations.

Talking with all of these people reminded me of how lucky I am to have the circle of friends that I do. They love me warts and all.

The feedback was I am not a bad person.  I treat people with respect.  And I do show people I care (even if I don’t hug easily).

I am learning a lot about by myself and how the world views me.

It is pretty clear I am harder on myself than I should be.

Maybe.

The jury is still out as I work to get my head and heart in sync.

But I have once again been able to try to find the good in each day.

Here is the list of daily blessings just from this week:

I won a Yeti tumbler this week by guessing the correct names of some movies from the 90’s. (I will admit I had help from someone in my house).

This week was Employee Appreciation Week.  I had sent my team gifts two weeks ago.  I made them wait until everyone’s gift had arrived and they opened them together on a team call.  The laughter as they opened them was perfect!

My team then surprised me with a gift.  A message of appreciation and two items to add to my key chain.

The club on the island where I live asked for members favorite recipes.  Jenn sent in a few of ours.
She sent my Mom’s Spare Rib and Fried Rice recipes and our Penne a la Vodka recipe. We were surprised to get an email back that the Club will over the next few weeks be preparing each recipe.
They will be offered as an option on their dinner menu.  When someone orders the meal they will also be provided with the recipe giving credit to the club member who submitted it.  How fun is that?

In the last few weeks, we have had some amazing sunsets.  People who live on the island share them on our website.  One neighbor in particular has taken some stunning pictures. I can thank Sandra Tazelarr McManamon for these gorgeous photo’s.

Maybe Ralph Waldo Emerson knew what he was talking about when he talked about the sunset being the promise of a new dawn.

See you next week.

It has been a struggle

I am starting this week with a quote I really liked from the TV show “The Council of Dad’s”.

“A heart can do two things, it can be sad and it can be happy at the same time. It can hold grief and hope. The heart is strong.”

I would be lying if I said everything is fine and I am feeling great.

Physically fine.  Or as well as someone my age with the normal aches and pains.

It is my brain and heart that are hurting.

I can’t get them in sync.

I am angry and sad.

I am trying to escape from the constant negativity and finger pointing.

It wears me down.

One minute I am the problem, the next I am the solution.

I am the bad person,

I am the privileged.

I am both the good and the bad.

I am the compassionate and the the person who does not care.

Those who judge me have not walked in my shoes, shared my losses, felt my pain or lived with my struggles.

Why is anyone who doesn’t know me allowed to pass judgement on me?

Are there things that need to be corrected, yes.

Are there wrongs that need to be righted, yes.

If I don’t speak out and stay silent I am wrong.

If I speak my mind, I am wrong.

I cannot win.

I won’t post about all the things going on because there will be criticism and I can’t handle what might be said to me in response.

The responses that I can’t handle will be whether I am pro or con any of the issues facing us.

So I choose to remain silent.

Call me a coward or the problem or so many other labels that are being thrown around.

I am just me, trying to make sense of it all.

See you next week.