The Best Gift of Christmas........

I know it sounds crazy but I recieved a Christmas present Wednesday night in the mail that tops anything I could or have ever gotten for Christmas.  Yes, I love getting gifts......call me shallow.  Whether it be a new pocketbook or an Amazon gift card.......I love them all.  BUT last week I got a gift to top all gifts.......

What is this special gift you may be asking........

it's a pillow.

Why on earth would a pillow be so special????

The material was found in my Mom's apartment when they were cleaning her things out after she passed away last New Year's Day.  My sister-in-law took the material and hoped to do something special with it.  I am not sure what Mom had planned to do with the material.  My sister is pretty sure she was going to make something for her three greatgrandaughters......what a wonderful thought!!!!

My sister-in-law, Terry, gave the material to her Mom.  Terry's Mom, Jeannie,  made 4 beautiful pillows (one for each of my Mom's four children).  She hand stitched and quilted the material into a beautiful pattern blending the 2 different materials.  The finished product is beautiful.

When I saw the pillow and read the note my brother wrote with it.......I was reduced to tears.....not just a few tears but a major cry fest......I couldn't stop.  I held the pillow, touched it like it was made of the finest hand spun silk and kept running my hand over it.  I wrapped my arms around it and put my head down on it.  I smelled it hoping for a hint of Mom's perfume but sadly there wasn't any. 

I see Mom as I watch Jenn in the kitchen making chocolate chips.  I see Mom in the ornament my sister gave me last year that was from Mom and Dad's tree.  I see Mom in the bow I tried to tie on the wreath on my front door.....trying to copy the way she did it for my front door wreath just 2 short years ago.  I see her all over the place and in my heart......just not here in my home like she was a short time ago.

But now I have a pillow........bits of material lovingly sewn together.

No doubt the best gift of Christmas........a part of Mom. 

The Way Things Are Supposed To Be

I have written quite a few entries about my Mom during the last year.  I have talked about what I had learned from her, the kind of person she was and how I feel about her no longer being here for me to talk to or hug or go to for advice.  But this is the way it should be.........children bury their parents. 

What happened at that elementary school yesterday.......so against the natural order of things.  Children should be safe at school, teachers should not have to hide their students from a shooter and most of all.......parents should not have to bury their children.  Cheryl and Mike lost Maria to a terrible disease.  They had no control over the ultimate outcome.  They did all they could for her.  They were with her when she passed.  The parents of those young children had no idea that when they said goodbye to their children yesterday morning it would be for the last time.  Like most of you the news devastated me.  So young with so much in their future.  You wonder how could this have happened........why would God allow it?? But strangely next you find yourself praying to God.....for the children, for the parents and for us.  If watching the news has brought me to tears and I do not know any of the victims personally there is no way I can even begin to fathom the pain those parents are experiencing. 

The pain I have felt these past 11 months since Mom left us is justifiable but is they way life is supposed to be.  Did I want more time with her? Yes.  Do I miss her everyday? Yes.  Do I wish for one more phone call or conversation with her? Yes.  Am I looking at a life of unfulfilled dreams? No.  Mom had a good life and lived 75 years.  But those children.......so much that was yet to come for them........

The Christmas lights I so enjoyed just a few days ago have gotten dimmer.  We have not turned on our outside Christmas lights the last few nights in silent tribute to those lost lives. 

I have friends who are teachers.  I have always known their jobs are more than the hours in the classroom.  Their jobs are not just the long summers off.  They have an impact in the life of each child that enters their classroom.  Yesterday, they showed us they were hero's who put their students lives ahead of theirs........

Missing Mom....yes but it is me being selfish that I wanted more time with her.  But I don't look at her life thinking I wish she had gotten to.......

Those parents.......they have so many never get to's.........

Those teachers.........unselfish and brave........

While the lights of Christmas may seem a little dimmer now........the stars in the sky are somehow much brighter............with 26 new stars.......

So Mom Was Right About Some Things......

More and more I am finding out some of the things my Mom told me were right....LOL....what a surprise.....

For years I have been the queen of ironing.  Mom would say just set the buzzer on the dryer and if you take out your clothes right away you won't have to iron them.  Did I listen....no.  Not until this year......now I do put the buzzer on and guess what???? I have so much less to iron on Sunday's.

Mom would tell me to shop at the Dollar stores for shampoo, cleaning supplies and other items.  I didn't listen and kept going to Walmart and Publix.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Family Dollar store.  What an eye opening experience!!!! I can't believe the great prices, they took my coupons and I got $5 off a purchase of $25.  OK I am hooked......and Mom was right!!!! LOL !!!!

Mom said the happiest times of her life with Dad was when they didn't have a lot.  She said she loved when it was special to go out to dinner. Later in life they went out to dinner every Saturday night.  Mom said she loved the "hungry years".  I honestly feel I haven't lost the ability to be grateful for what I have and  I do appreciate the small things......like a working washing machine.

Pray....she didn't tell me how to pray......she knew I had moved away from the formal religion thing BUT I do pray each night to give thanks for the day I had.  I also pray in the morning to give thanks for waking up to another day.  I also pray on the way to work that the day will go well and I will handle things the best I can.

Try to help others when you can.  We adopted 2 families for Christmas this year.  I said a few weeks ago I have everything I need but like everyone else there are always other things that you wouldn't mind having.  Jenn and I shopped and shopped yesterday for the two families.  We had fun and loved the gifts we chose.  I can picture the children waking up Christmas morning to the items we selected.  Good advice from Mom.

Two years ago this week, Mom came here for her last visit to my house.  She cooked and sewed.  Went to a Christmas show and drove through a great light display.  She baked cookies.  And we talked and talked and talked.  She survived my house being flooded and a car jacking victim being dumped in my cul-de-sac.  And due to a winter storm up north we were lucky enough to have her some additional time.  In fact, on New Years Day my sisters family brought Mom from their house to mine for the day.  We had the traditional southern New Year's dishes,  pork, collards, black eyed peas and cornbread.  I guess it was a blessing that I didn't know our time together was running out.  If I had known by the next New Year's Day she would be gone I couldn't have let her go........

I will admit I have been really struggling these last few weeks without her.  I will text a  friend now and then and say how much I miss her.  All  of my friends have responded with kindness and compassion.  I fight the sadness each day but sometimes I wish I could just climb into bed and pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed until January 2nd.  I know that is not realistic but that's the way I feel.  When I was out shopping last weekend with Jenn I saw a daughter about my age pull up in a parking spot with her Mom (about Mom's age) I was green with envy.  I wanted to run over and say to the daughter appreciate every second you have together.  Then I saw another older lady walk by and I said to Jenn"Why didn't Nannie get to live to be that old?" and I burst into tears.  I know she would not want me to be so sad but there is a giant hole in my heart,  I know in time it will heal and the next few weeks will be the hardest part of the year to get through.....just three more weeks of holidays.  I can do it........and I will try to find some joy along the way......the joy may come partly from the memories of holidays past with Mom and Dad ........

I know how lucky I was to grow up in a house where Christmas was filled with a magic some people never get to experience.......and it is the memories of those times that will keep me warm and get me though the next few weeks........

From Sunday to Saturday ......a week full of ups and downs

Last week had it's ups and it's downs......downs that were not all bad. 

Sunday......
I had a chance to really look at all the birthday wishes and text's I received.  Facebook has connected me with so many people from relatives that live across the country to people who were in my class at P.S. 71 in the 60's.  And the Iphone I didn't think I would like.....I Love!!!  Getting text's from friends.....so much fun!!  We put up the tree and it looks great!!!  We watched the Giants win so it was a good football week-end for us!!

Monday......
Back to work after a long week-end....ugh!! Add month end to it.......double ugh!!! Long days....walking into the office at 8:30 and on a good day walking out less then 12 hours later.  It is the nature of the mortgage business.  Month end and Hurricane Sandy has made my world just that much more interesting.  My team covers New York and so many of my teams customers/loans were impacted by the Hurricane.  Thank goodness I love my job!!!

Wednesday.......
Each year we hang a small tote bag my friend made me in the kitchen.  We put the Christmas cards in it as the arrive.  When I picked up the bag there were some old cards in it.  I pulled them out of the bag and went through them.  You guessed it.......one was from Mom.  She wrote about the joy of the season and the wonderful memories of Christmas past including ones with my Dad (who I think was the King of Christmas).  The lump in my throat was the size of a grapefruit.  I tried not to cry as I touched the words she had written just 12 short months ago.   (Those are the hard times........the moments you don't prepare for and don't see coming).

Thursday..........
6 month Dr. visit to check my blood pressure.  I was actually going to avoid the visit because I was afraid of how high it might be.  OK a little more telling on myself.......something I haven't talked about before.......please do not think I am crazy........several years ago I wasn't feeling great.....headaches....run down.......but avoiding going to the doctor.....finally one night I woke up in the middle of the night and hear this booming voice in my room say"Go to the Dr. today!!".....so I went.......my blood pressure was 212/114......my Dr. told me I could have had a stroke on the spot......he put me on blood pressure med's immediately.  Since then I go every 6 months to have it checked.  Due to exercise, healthier lifestyle and taking better care of myself he is going to start taking me off some of my med's in May as long as my BP is as good as it was this week.......how good was it????? The first time they took it with an electric cuff it was 112/54......then they took it the old fashioned way at it was 122/64.  Either way it was great!!!!! I never told my Mom about my blood pressure years back or the voice I heard. She would have worried about my BP and  told me who the voice was.........well....... I think I already know who it was......122/64......I am loving it!!! Oh am my Dr. said I was a boring patient.....no complaints no issues.....

Friday.......
a killer day at work.......I didn't get home until 11:15 PM....yes PM......what ever happened to bankers hours?????

Saturday.......
Up early to take the dog for his weekly ear cleaning....$10 a week......I can't do it myself since my dog has been known to bite the hand that feeds him.....so now I spend more a month to have the damn dogs ears cleaned than go to the gym for a month....go figure.
I also bought a gas card at Publix....it cost $40 for a $50 gas card.  I am starting to buy them so our trip to Missouri won't kill us in the gas tank department.  I had already spent over $50 on groceries which was the requirement so why not start stocking the gas cards away.
Jenn and I also got our CWP's in the mail.  Nothing says Christmas in South Carolina like going gun shopping...LOL.

Saturday would also have been Mom's 76th birthday.  I thought about her a lot during the day.  But it's funny finding the Christmas card earlier in the week was in some ways harder than her birthday.  Like I said it's those unexpected moments that sneak up on you......

Well......that was the week.

This week I am looking forward to finally having my washing machine up and running!!! It has been 4 long weeks waiting for it to be repaired.

I am going to try and enjoy the fact that the house is decorated both inside and out.  In fact right now while I type this I am looking at our beautiful tree........I am going to try and find time to enjoy the season.........

See you next week.......