As things continue to evolve in my life I have to be honest I look at everyone else's lives with rose colored glasses. I do feel shallow when I envy someone with a new car, a beautiful home, a couple with an amazing relationship, someone going on a fabulous vacation, someone who doesn't have to worry about the next major bill that might show up and on and on.......
It's not that I begrudge them what they have earned or worked so hard for......but......I do think to myself sometimes.....when does it get to be my turn??? It's not really a pity party is just the feeling that I too have worked hard and want to reap some of the benefits of my hard work.
Well, life doesn't work that way.......who ever said it is fair and everyone lives happily ever after??? Change is hard.......life is hard......moving ahead is hard.......some days getting out of bed is hard.
The journey I have chosen to take is mine. I have to figure it out. I have to work through the changes. I have to learn and grow. I have to learn to depend on me more than I have up until now.
I have talked about Chapter 3 for a few years now. I couldn't wait fot it to get going and now that it is finally happening and guess what......it is scaring the shit out of me.
Also, my battle for a healthier life is mind boggling. My pals keep reminding me that it has its ups and downs.......nothing worth having is that easy....right?
I known I didn't just wake up one morning fat........the sad part is I didn't even enjoy getting there. You would think I would have at least enjoyed all that cheese...I know there are those who think I got so fat by eating whole pizza's and gallons of ice cream but that is not the case and that's the God's honest truth!!! The only food I can truly say I did over eat was ........yes, you guessed it cheese.....no denying that....I am a cheeseaholic (even though I no longer eat anywhere close to the amount of cheese I did before like an alcoholic you are always one)......I will always be a cheeseaholic even though I now go days without eating it....is it totally out of my diet.......no.....but thinking I used to be the person who could easily go through 2 plus pounds of cheese a week......I have come so far.
I have had so much support in the past few years as I try to get healthy. I have an amazing bunch of people in my Sunday morning class. They are so encouraging and won't let me quit even when I have had enough. And when I don't want to think about one more pound or one more weigh in or tracking my food one more day they are there to push me ahead. They have also threatened to find me if I didn't show up for a meeting.
Today's topic was about "weigh ins". It is true that I get tired of guessing what my efforts for the week have done and how they are reflected on the scale. I obviously avoided the scale for years when I was on my way up and now the scale can either be my friend or my enemy depending on the number I see on the way down.
A healthier life plays so much a part of Chapter 3 that I have to push on......it would be unfortunate to finally move into the next phase of my life and was not in good enough shape to really enjoy it.
One of my WW buddy gave me a little angel today. I have it as a reminder to keep the faith and remember there are angels watching over me.
One of my former coworkers posted a photo from about 13-15 years ago. I can hardly recognize myself. But there I was smiling through the pain. The pain is very real and pops up when I least expect it. It is something I have carried with me for many, many years. It is still there but very,very gradually fading and the smile is becoming more sincere.
As I said in the title "it's all relative" what matter most to me may not be the same for others. They might think really??? That's you problem???
Then once in a while something happens out of the blue. This week a coworker in her 40's with a young daughter lost her battle with cancer. After hearing that news I felt so many emotions......anger, sadness and a hatred for friggin cancer. I felt embarrassed in the fact that I am so self-absorbed when I think of Mary and the way she battled. I am going to name my little angel Mary after one of my hero's.
I think Mary would understand my frustration and selfishness and my battle although it is so different from the walk she walked these last few years. We all have our own demons. Mine biggest demon is about the battle for health and weight and life.
I am choosing life.......
See you next week......
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