You all realize part of writing this blog serves as therapy for me.....I get my thoughts and feelings on paper. In all honesty, I do hold back some. I do not want you to see too much of the dark side. This is not supposed to a depressing blog.....it is supposed to be hopeful and for the most part it is......
A friend did point out to me that fear is something that has an impact on my life.
Fear of falling.....fear of failure.....fear of of being alone......fear of my future.....
See a common thread here????
We can eliminate the easy one first....fear of falling. Two bad falls one leading to a broken arm and another where my face connected with cement .......it is easy to see why I am afraid of falling. An embarrassing fall in front of a friend and the struggle to get up is what lead me to WW. I guess things do happen for a reason......right? The struggle to get up after falling while wading in the ocean was another memorable moment including the long struggle to get back to the stairs leading away from the beach to be able to stand up.....how do you spell humiliation???? Again another reason to head to WW. I recently fell in my home. I tripped over the front door sill....really??? I sat on the floor and thought now what? I can kneel but the pain due to arthritis in my knees is pretty bad and I had nothing to cushion my knees within my reach. I maneuvered my way around looking for an option on how to get up. I thought to myself at some point in the near future I will be living alone (and it's not like someone could help me anyway). I realized if I couldn't get off the floor while I was alone......I couldn't live alone. That thought was all I needed to get my ass in gear. I slid over to the love-seat, pulled the cushions off and after a few tries I hoisted myself onto the love-seat sans the cushions. From there it was easy to get up. I am very careful now about watching my step......I am clumsy for sure.
Fear of failure.....
I have worked so hard but some days don't know if I will ever hit my goal. I am hoping some stress relief heading my way soon will give my body the extra push to stop this game it is playing with me. My frustrations are a struggle. I am trying hard to work through it. My determination shows when I stay at a Sunday meeting even though I am not seeing the results I desire. My determination shows when I come home and try a new dish in order to jazz things up. My desire to not to fail is evident in the fact I haven't quit WW, my meetings or watching what I eat. I have already planned another day at the gym this week and I was there Friday night too(which also could lead to comments that I really don't have much of a life since I had nothing to do but go to the gym on a Friday night...LOL). I CANNOT FAIL......I pray about it every night......I think about it every day.
Fear of being alone and fear of the future walk hand in hand......
I have never lived alone. I also hate the unknown. I am picturing waking up in the morning alone, in the middle of the night alone, in a thunderstorm alone and in a power failure alone. There is something in knowing someone is nearby that makes a difference. BUT if I don't face my fears and as I was told recently "I let fear run my life"........ my life will be at a standstill. If I really want to live out my dreams I must face my fears. At times I feel like I am the only one who feels this way. And I also feel very alone. I think I talk a good game but now I have to walk the walk and that can be tough (especially with my falling history......but then again I have been getting up instead of staying down.....right??).
Worry and fear are linked in my mind and heart......I have to believe I have the strength, will and desire to face them all and move ahead to fulfill my hopes and plans for the future.
If I let the fears and worries stop me.....I only have myself to blame. Plus, I don't mind occasionally proving the doubters out there wrong.......
One more thing......Jenn went to the Fresh Market this week and brought me a surprise. It was a salad made up of cucumbers, tomatoes, kalamata (sp) olives, peppers, red onion, chic peas and edamame with some light Italian salad dressing. It was amazing....but not cheap. Last night, I recreated it on my own....how is this for yummy.......
On to next week....facing fears and worries but in my head and heart also thinking "TODAY I CAN"....
See you next week......
I once fell on the front walk with cheesecakes in my hands for school. They broke my fall when my face landed on the plastic covers of the cheesecakes! I was horrified then ,but laugh at myself now. Sometimes we just need to stay down and laugh! Love you!
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