Endings and Beginnings.....a hard entry to write......

As I drove up to Columbia on Monday morning, my mind kept going back to June 6, 1982. The day was filled with excitement, promise and I thought would end with......and they lived happily ever after.

But here I was 35 years, 9 months and 13 days later going through the process to legally end our ties.

The logical side of me knew this was for the best and made sense.  Emotionally was a bit more of a struggle.  More than half a life time.......

Although in the end we both knew it was time to move on.......I was still able to remember some of the good times. Yes, we had some good days......some good years...... but at some point those days and years dwindled for both of us......

Will I ever get over the sense of failure?  There was fault on both sides and I know I had a hand in putting myself in court on Monday for the legalities.

Friends texted and called to check on me......I did not respond on Monday.  I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I was in shutdown mode.  In 15 short minutes (and 6 months of paperwork), all the formal proceedings were over and I walked out  feeling sad. 

The lead up to Monday was consuming and difficult.  I hate endings and goodbye's.  Tuesday was to me just an extension of Monday.  I tried to keep busy and not focus too much on what had transpired in the last 24 hours. Then I started to just feel numb....nothing.....

As each day passed, I can't say I felt much better but at least the stress leading up to Monday was over.  I hit a few rough patches......our wedding song came up on my IPOD and I let it play vs skipping it.  I have spent a lot of time this week dwelling on the past.....is there something more I could have done?  Did I give up too easily? The second guessing can be frustrating.....

Friday the final documents were in the mail when I arrived home from work

And there it was......5 pieces of paper signed by a Judge and we move on.

While many people have said what I was doing was right. I think of all those who hung in there, settled in and stayed with someone when there was little left to their relationship.  So who is right and who is wrong?  Am I the quitter or the brave one for moving ahead?

While looking back with regret and slightly terrified about the future......I do feel alone. I am sure in time I will adjust to it just being me. Of course, I know I have Jenn in my life......in our lives and she will be the tie that binds our family of three. But as all parents know there is a time for our children to move on.  So the day will come when I walk in the door to an empty house at night (Jenn gets custody of Jeter) or maybe I will get a dog of my own to greet me at the end of the day (this will take some thought though). 

I am taking all the opportunities to meet as many new people that I can.  Island Friends Dinners, Weight Watchers, Writing Groups and Seminars have all provided me with avenues to make new acquaintances. 

Last Monday, I went to dine with a new group for the Island Friends Dinner (the group rotates from March through February). No one there was aware of what had transpired in my life that morning.  There were 13 for dinner....6 couples and me.  Fortunately, our hostess had put placeholders for where we would sit and it was broken up.....man, lady, man, lady so that I didn't stand out as the single in the group.  As the months pass and I get to know them all better, I am sure I won't feel that I stand out like a sore thumb........

One day at time.......one hour at a time.....one minute at a time......

Maybe my story will still end with.....and she lived happily ever after.......only time will tell.......

One more thing......if you know I am traveling or going someplace alone.....ask me to text I got there safely......Jenn does this with me and so does my friend, Mary.......one of my big fears is something happening to me and no one finding out about it or me for days......I know silly me...........

See you next week......

A Week of Creativity....in various forms.....

My week started with Jenn teaching me Power Point. Yes, I have heard of Power Point but until last Monday had no reason to know how to use it. The person who had held Jenn's hand when she crossed the street, who went over spelling words with her, who taught her how to get into a turning jump rope and handled the teenage driving lessons........was now sitting next to my adult daughter saying "Teach me."

And so the teacher became the student.

I grew up in an age where "computer rooms" took over one half of a below ground level of the building I worked in at 140 Broadway.

As I used my newly purchased desk top with the huge tower and a price tag in the $2,000 range, I was resistant to using the mouse. Why?? Who knows....

I had grown up using a manual typewriter.  Then get ready for it......my Dad purchase a Brother  Electric Typewriter.  You had to slide the correction tape in the side while removing the cartridge of black ink. It sounds archaic doesn't it?????? This was no where near as state of the art as the IBM Selectric typewriter I used in Typing Class at Pearl River High School.

Back to the Power Point......

It was no where near as intimidating as I expected.  In fact, it was fun and allowed for creativity.

I used it in my presentation Monday. I did tell my audience this was my first venture into creating this kind work ....but it will not be my last that's for sure.

On Thursday, I had another foray where I had to attempt to use creative skills.  I attended a woodworking party after work.  Art is not my strong suit but if you give me a piece of wood cut out and the lines I have to paint in already traced on the wood.......I am in !! Before the class you picked out the item you wanted to work on.  I chose a Crescent Moon with a Palmetto Tree.  I chose the colors blue and white to go with the colors of the state flag. Gratefully, the instructor cleaned up the lines when I was done and added some additional touches of color to make it look more weather worn/rustic/ aged.  I love the finished product and can't wait to display it on my red front door.

The rest of the week wasn't quite as creative or fun......getting income tax forms together, cleaning the "green stuff" off my car, breaking the inside of a tooth and having to search for a new dentist ( in the Lowcountry it appears dentists do not work on Friday so guess what my first call will be tomorrow morning???), I found a crack in my windshield that continues to spread (guess what call #2 will be ?), I received reminders about my annual mammo appt and eye exam....how much fun can a girl have???

And I start off this week with ......well I will write about it next week (I am sure it will make for a riveting entry.....dear Lord let me get through it).....but here is a clue......

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” —Seneca

See you next week.......

When Did It Change?

Once upon a time if you bought a car that was NOT new it was called a used car.  Now it is a "pre-owned" car. 

There was a time when you rented an apartment.  Now you rent an "apartment home".

Pre-owned......apartment home....they have a nicer ring to the ear don't they? But they are still a used car and an apartment.  Nothing wrong with them....I have owned a used car and lived in an apartment.

When and why did we feel a need to make the name of those things sound nicer? Did it make them more desirable?

Some of the change in terms I totally get......there used to be a "husky" department for boys and a (good Lord) "chubette" dept for girls.  Now the clothes are all sold in the same department sans the embarrassing titles. I have lived with terms such as fat, obese and on and on.....full figure sounds better to me. And in the last few years shock upon shock, Sports Illustrated had a full figure model on their swimsuit cover.

While I understand the reason for those changes, I do not understand the need for other changes.

I grew up in an age of rotary phones and phones cords long enough to take to the next room.  I was actually able to drive in a car without taking a phone call .  When I got an answering machine at home, I felt I had really moved ahead. When we sat down to dinner, we talked to each other.  We didn't focus on our Iphones.  Jenn will often say "I can hear Nannie asking...."What has happened to the family?""

When I was little, I had a Barbie doll.  One Barbie doll.  She had on a black sequin evening gown. I am going to say it again.....one Barbie.

My Barbie had some outfits made by a friends Mom.  My parents didn't have the money to buy me the numerous outfits available for Barbie.  By the time Jenn was 8 or so, she had 10 Barbies which were bought because of the outfits she was wearing. For my parents, I am sure the cost of the Barbie clothes could not be a part of their budget. Which meant Barbie would have to continue to wear her evening gown or some homemade outfits.

When Jenn was young, it was the American Girl Doll that every girl wanted.  At the time, we just couldn't spend the $100 or close to it for one doll.  She did finally get one last year....long over due....and even last year I purchased it through one of those Steals and Deals promotions for $65.  The guilt of not getting her one when she was young was hard as a parent. Finally surprising her with something I could not give her as a child made her laugh and me feel a little better.

This week, the Mattel company announced a line of Barbie's for International Woman's Day. Even Barbie has changed over the years into various business roles, famous women and looks.......a long way from my one Barbie in her sequin gown......

See you next week......

Beach Shack Writer Seminar.....I Continue To Learn......

Another amazing chance to learn......another fabulous opportunity to spend time with other writers.....another couple of days being referred to as an author.......WOW!!!!!

As is the norm for me....I was nervous walking into the room. And as usual for me.......I was in the room about 5 minutes and felt totally in my element.

I LOVE BEING AROUND WRITERS !!!!

I also love the name of this writers group !! What group would fit me better than "Beach Shack Writers"????

Our classes were led by Jessica Handler, author and professor.  I liked her style immediately.  She didn't talk above us, she spoke to us and referred to us as authors.

Author....writer.....

We were asked to free write for 5 minutes.  We would just write whatever came into our minds.  We would not be reading what we wrote to the group.  It was a way to work through writers block.  Taking a blank piece of paper and just writing whatever comes to your mind is like playing word association.  You move from one topic to the next with no plan as to what is to come next. It can be just one rambling thought after the next or something more coherent......with me it was like a winding path with twists and turns.

We learned about where our stories came from and how to add depth to our piece.  Personal essays can be combined to create a memoir.  You can take specific events, write about them and weave them into a memoir.

The sharing among the group felt so comfortable.  As if I was with a group of old friends. No criticism just support, encouragement and suggestions.

We ended the day with homework.  We had to write 250-300 words....the topic.....a time you told a lie.  I really had to think about this and how much I was willing to share.  It did not have to be a life or death decision or true confessions....it did not have to be sad ....it could be funny.

I thought a lot about what to write after returning home. I thought about it overnight.  Finally early in the morning I found my topic.  I wrote it within 30 minutes.  As you can see, I work best under pressure and deadlines.

I walked into day two and our seating had been made into a circle.  We would read our assignment and then the group would discuss as if the author was not there.  They would take notes and then invite the author back into the discussion.  We were asked to explain our perspective on what we wrote.  We answered questions, received great feedback and were given suggested readings based on our topics.

And at the end of each person's reading and responding to questions....there was applause from the class.

I loved that Jessica kept referring to the author.  I have thought of myself as a writer but the word author takes on a whole new meaning.

So what do I do with what I learned in those two days?  Rewrite, rework and revise.  From what I first thought of as a brilliant idea a few years ago, I have made more changes than I even thought I would.  I think I am finally getting to a point where I can pull it all together.....I hope. And once I have completed my final draft then it gets edited and changes are suggested and on and on.

It is not a quick process and it can be frustrating, exhilarating and exhausting.  But when I finally am able to put my hands on the finished product, turn the pages and see the dedication page that will have more names that I can think of at this point.......it will be worth it all.....the hours, the nights with words floating in my head, the joy and the pain of the story......



See you next week......