Endings and Beginnings.....a hard entry to write......

As I drove up to Columbia on Monday morning, my mind kept going back to June 6, 1982. The day was filled with excitement, promise and I thought would end with......and they lived happily ever after.

But here I was 35 years, 9 months and 13 days later going through the process to legally end our ties.

The logical side of me knew this was for the best and made sense.  Emotionally was a bit more of a struggle.  More than half a life time.......

Although in the end we both knew it was time to move on.......I was still able to remember some of the good times. Yes, we had some good days......some good years...... but at some point those days and years dwindled for both of us......

Will I ever get over the sense of failure?  There was fault on both sides and I know I had a hand in putting myself in court on Monday for the legalities.

Friends texted and called to check on me......I did not respond on Monday.  I didn't really want to talk to anyone. I was in shutdown mode.  In 15 short minutes (and 6 months of paperwork), all the formal proceedings were over and I walked out  feeling sad. 

The lead up to Monday was consuming and difficult.  I hate endings and goodbye's.  Tuesday was to me just an extension of Monday.  I tried to keep busy and not focus too much on what had transpired in the last 24 hours. Then I started to just feel numb....nothing.....

As each day passed, I can't say I felt much better but at least the stress leading up to Monday was over.  I hit a few rough patches......our wedding song came up on my IPOD and I let it play vs skipping it.  I have spent a lot of time this week dwelling on the past.....is there something more I could have done?  Did I give up too easily? The second guessing can be frustrating.....

Friday the final documents were in the mail when I arrived home from work

And there it was......5 pieces of paper signed by a Judge and we move on.

While many people have said what I was doing was right. I think of all those who hung in there, settled in and stayed with someone when there was little left to their relationship.  So who is right and who is wrong?  Am I the quitter or the brave one for moving ahead?

While looking back with regret and slightly terrified about the future......I do feel alone. I am sure in time I will adjust to it just being me. Of course, I know I have Jenn in my life......in our lives and she will be the tie that binds our family of three. But as all parents know there is a time for our children to move on.  So the day will come when I walk in the door to an empty house at night (Jenn gets custody of Jeter) or maybe I will get a dog of my own to greet me at the end of the day (this will take some thought though). 

I am taking all the opportunities to meet as many new people that I can.  Island Friends Dinners, Weight Watchers, Writing Groups and Seminars have all provided me with avenues to make new acquaintances. 

Last Monday, I went to dine with a new group for the Island Friends Dinner (the group rotates from March through February). No one there was aware of what had transpired in my life that morning.  There were 13 for dinner....6 couples and me.  Fortunately, our hostess had put placeholders for where we would sit and it was broken up.....man, lady, man, lady so that I didn't stand out as the single in the group.  As the months pass and I get to know them all better, I am sure I won't feel that I stand out like a sore thumb........

One day at time.......one hour at a time.....one minute at a time......

Maybe my story will still end with.....and she lived happily ever after.......only time will tell.......

One more thing......if you know I am traveling or going someplace alone.....ask me to text I got there safely......Jenn does this with me and so does my friend, Mary.......one of my big fears is something happening to me and no one finding out about it or me for days......I know silly me...........

See you next week......