Sights, Smells and Memories

I am writing this entry while sitting at my kitchen table.

There is a pot on the stove.

And the aroma of olive oil, garlic and onions is filling the room. I will say for the zillionth time, Yankee Candle could make a mint off of a candle with this scent.

Sunday's and sauce, they go hand in hand.

While the sauce was doing it's thing, I decided to check out FB.

The post that pops up is from a Bronx Group.  The entry that appears is a picture is of an Easy Bake Oven.  I remember wanting one so badly when I was young,  I never got one.  I did make  sure Jenn found one under the Christmas Tree at the right age.  Was it because I wanted it or was it my memory of never having one?

Another post on the page recently was about ankle bracelets.  When I started high school, I envied all the girls who had one.  On the weekends they wore them on their ankle.  During the week, if you went to a Catholic school, you wore it attached to a chain around your neck (the nuns did not allow ankle bracelets) . The same way your would wear your boyfriends ring on a chain around your neck too.

I was never given an ankle bracelet. I envied the girls who had them.

Water under the bridge. 

I could not afford to get Jenn an American Girl Doll like so many of her friends had when she was little.  I got her one when she was 30.

Better late than never.

I hate to tell her but a birthday party at the Montvale Roller Rink isn't ever going to happen.  I will just have to go to my grave with the guilt of not having had enough money to give her a party there like all of her friends.

OK so my list of regrets isn't too lengthy.  One Easy Bake Oven, one ankle bracelet and a party at a roller rink.

I guess add a unsuccessful marriage to the list.

Some things can't be fixed.  Maybe they are not meant to be repaired.

I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to have a list of "I wish or I wanted" as short as mine.

Sitting here looking around my kitchen that needs to be updated (meaning new cabinet fronts, counter tops, flooring and new lighting all make the list). New flooring/carpeting throughout my rooms is also on the agenda, eventually.  These are all wants, not needs and they will be taken care off one at a time. 

As much as I want to do all of these things tomorrow, my pocketbook doesn't match my desires.

I don't want them as bad as that darn Easy Bake Oven I wanted when I was 8.  Or the ankle bracelet I wanted as a teenager.

I guess I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to fit in and be like everyone else. Never the skinny girl.  Always the big girl.  Always wishing to look like someone else.

I can fix my size (a work in progress for years) but cannot get back those years of wanting to be something or someone other than what I was or am.

I could have been a better student which might have changed my career path.

I could have stopped the out of control train that led me to get married because everyone else was.  But if I hadn't gotten married there would be no Jenn and what a loss that would have be.

The good part about being a writer is I can right all the wrongs, make all the dreams come true and not leave any regrets on the table.

When I write, I can be a size 6, I can have someone fall madly in love with me and I can have someone to grow old with.

Although I have to admit there is something nice about not sharing a bathroom sink, not hearing "what's for dinner" and not being told I don't measure up.

In my dreams and words, all things are possible. How great is that?

I just have to dig in and carve out the time to puts the pen to the paper.

Some day this will be me at a book signing.

See you next week.

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