Donna's Decisions: A painful admission

I have admitted that some not all my struggles are from the pre-COVID-COVID-kind of post COVID world.

Pre-COVID, there was the arthritis in my knees and hips. I would try and push through the pain but at times it was easier to limit my movements. Walking with a slight limp. I truly believe one of my legs is shorter than the other which leads to the limp. My knees tend to lock when I walk as they adjust to the difference in the length of my legs. I walk kind of stilted, like Frankenstein.

Add to this my asthma, I use a preventive inhaler each day, twice a day.

Still, I would push through as best I could.

Then came COVID, which kept us all home.

It is amazing how quickly, we can (or I can adjust to staying home).

Home became my cocoon.

The hard part is you don’t realize how quickly you can get used to not going out except for groceries and vaccines/booster (Flu shot, two COVID shots and one booster, two shingle shots).

At least easy for me.

But maybe too easy.

I feel safe in my home. I am careful as I walk so as to not fall/trip which we all know has been historically a problem for me (broken arm/20 plus stitches in my face).

I also have come to realize mentally, I have allowed my world to get smaller.

Fear of strange places, fear of long walks to places, fear of my asthma kicking into gear unexpectedly.

Do you see a recurring theme?

No, I am not crazy.

I have just allowed my fears to take over.

When I was still going to the office a few days a week, I was able to push through.

Once the office closed, things changed.

I will not be going back into the office which is good. The commute was long and exhausting and now would be super expensive.

So I am put in a position to “heal myself”.

I don’t think I realized how bad things had gotten until at one point it dawned on me I hadn’t left the house in two weeks.

Two weeks!

Now, I make a point of going out once a week to run errands with Jenn. I do the driving she does the running.

But it does get me out.

I had been out to dinner back in November with Jenn and my pal, Kathy but nothing since then except errands and driving to Columbia to get my hair cut and colored.

I know I can’t spend my life in this cocoon or could I?

In small steps, I need to start to fight back.

Kathy called and asked if Jenn and I wanted to meet her, her sister and brother-in-law for lunch on Saturday.

I told her I would call her back.

I called and told her we could meet at the Pub on the island where I live.

Then the anxiety kicked in.

I spent the next day and a half stressing about it.

I woke up Saturday thinking maybe I should cancel.

I knew if I did cancel it would make going out again that much harder.

I took something to calm me down.

I told Jenn I really couldn’t talk about my anxiety and kept my responses to Jenn who was trying to make conversation with me short.

To add to the challenge I had to blow dry my hair and put on make-up.

When home, towel drying my hair suffices but it is not good enough to be out in public.

I had to lay out my makeup on the bathroom counter the same way a surgeon lays out their instruments. Once the counter was empty, i knew I had put everything on. I did have to think about the order in which I used each item.

Finally, it was time to go. My heart was racing.

I hadn’t been to the Pub since December 2019 due to COVID and yes me.

We got there early, Jenn dropped me off and I sat in one of the chairs in front.

Jenn parked the car and came to assist me.

We went up the stairs oh so slowly.

Then I grabbed the railing and Jenn’s arm.

Walking slowly, very slowly. Calculating each step.

I was counting each step out loud (a new habit I have developed).

As we got close to the front door, Natalie, from the front desk came out to hold the door for assistance.

I was spent by then.

She offered me a chair and a glass of water.

My breathing became normal and my heart stopped racing.

Jenn and Vanessa, our server, helped me to our table.

I made it!

After a long lunch with a ton of conversation and laughter it was time to leave.

Once again my nerves acted up as I thought of the long walk back to the car,

I walked with assistance to the lobby and waited while Jenn got the car.

Vanessa gave me a cup of water in a travel cup.

Out the door we went, Jenn, Natalie, Vanessa and me. Talk about a parade.

I took each step slowly and only had to stop twice to catch my nervous breath.

The stairs were taken at a slow pace, one foot down then the other over and over again.

I got in the car and a waive of relief hit me.

Vanessa and Natalie applauded me and said “you keep going, you keep pushing, you did great”.

Jenn just said “I told you you could do it”.

My first real foray out in a long time.

I will continue to push myself because now the community pool is open without the restrictions that had been in place last two years (one of which was the pool was totally close in 2020).

It has been hard to admit to these fears but I needed to be honest with myself and all of you.

I found a chair yoga website that I am going to use which I think will help me with movement, endurance and balance.

And it is heading into my favorite season of great fruits and vegetables to help with my refocus on healthy eating and weight reduction.