Facing Fears or Making My World Smaller

"But the truth is, even when our brain convinces us we're lost--if we try hard enough, our bodies always remind us there's a way back--prepares us for whatever fight lies ahead."  Grey's Anatomy

Please do not read this and think, the girl has lost her mind. I have not. I am just sharing with you what I feel that you may not see.

I am sure I am not unique in having or facing fears.

Don't we all have things we fear?

As I get older, my fears increase.

Not that I was one who was ever viewed as brave.

Indecisive definitely.

There are things I used to love that now I am fearful of such as amusement park rides.  It used to be the scarier the better.  I used to be excited about airports.  I still love to fly but the traveling within the terminals pushes me over the edge.  I want to go to Italy but the walking and the stairs scare the crap out of me.  Maybe I need to see Tuscany and Rome from a van or a bus if possible?

Here is my murders row of fears:

1. The fear of falling.

It is overwhelming.

A broken arm one time and 20+ stitches in the face on another occasion have led me to walk slowly.

Very slowly. Cautiously.

Walking like I am 90 years old.

Always looking down.

It's not that I don't want to make eye contact with people.

I don't want to fall.

2. The fear of crowds.

Walking in crowds never used to bother me.

Now, I walk in a crowd and I feel like I am back on a crowded subway.

No room to breathe.

People invading my space.

I feel like I should have a few feet perimeter around me that no one can invade.

That might be the reason I don't give or accept hugs easily.

3.  The fear of unfamiliar places.

Once I know the lay of the land, I am not fearful.

When I know I am going someplace new, I will look at it online.  I will try to look at the parking and where I might have to walk and how far.

Even after all this pre-work, as I walk in a new place, my heart races and inside I am a bunch of nerves.

Once I am settled in, my heart rate goes back to normal and I am at ease.

Until I have to leave and walk the same route I did on the way in.

I ask for rooms near elevators, preferably on low floors.

I ask for walk in showers.

And biggest change of all is I ask for help when needed. If a curb is too high or stairs have no railing or ground is unlevel, I will ask for an arm.  I would rather ask for help while standing vertical than laying horizontal.

4. Fear of letting the fears consume me or force me to make changes in my life.

If I allow these fears and others to control my life, I lose.

I continue to push myself. Not without some trepidation. I cannot allow my fears to make my world smaller.  If I allow that to happen, I will disappear.

Please continue to ask me to do things.  Understand if I say no it could be for a variety of reasons: I am tired, I am being lazy, I am enjoying my time off from work or I just don't want to do what someone else wants to do.

If I do agree to do something, please bear with my nerves, maybe a few tears or my constant chattering to cover up for my nervousness.

I am at a point in my life where my world needs to grow not shrink.

The easiest option would to be to hang out in my recliner and watch the world go by.

I am not taking the easy route.

I ask that you understand me, help me and put up with me.

What I am planning to do to help deal with my fears, good question.

Walking more even if just the shortest of distances will help build my confidence. I still might need an arm to help me though so bear with me.

Getting back on the healthy eating track. This is very hard with my work schedule, commute and small amount of time at home.  I get bored and tired of eating the same food. I WILL figure it out.

Continue to dream.  Without dreams what do we have?

Write.  This is the one craft where I can do anything, be anything, make it all up in my head and change it at will. I am the boss of my creative writing.

I am also going to try hard to not focus on what I have lost but on what I have gained from people I have loved.

I am going to wake each day thankful for the sunrise and with gratitude enjoy the sunsets.

And I will pray for strength, help and confidence.

Amen.

See you next week.

Autumn in New York vs South Carolina

New York.

Sweater weather.

Leaves crunching under your feet.

The range of leaf colors, orange to gold to red.

Fireplaces burning.

Apple picking.

The smell when you turn on the heat for the first time in months.

Everything pumpkin.

Football, the pro’s.


South Carolina.

Flip flops.

Summer clothes.

Outdoor pool is still open into November (and the water is heated for those southern chilly mornings).

Leaves a paler green, finally turning some other colors but usually not as vibrant as up north.

Apple picking.

Through Thanksgivings of going back and forth between central air and beginning to turn on the heat,

Complaining it is cold when the temp is in the 50’s - 60’s.

Pumpkin everything.

Football, college first then the pro’s.

Serious tailgating.

Leaves ready to be raked right around the time the Christmas tree goes up ( which tends to be Thanksgiving night or the day after turkey day).

Each location has its charm.

I do miss the true division of the seasons but never putting away flip flops for long is part of the trade off.

I do get to use my wood burning fireplace. I do get to wear sweaters. I do put a pumpkin by my front door.

And as the days get shorter, I do hate commuting home in the dark.  Why is it that getting home at 7:30 in the dark seems so much later than getting home at 7:30 while it’s still light out?

With the passing of each day, I get closer to my favorite day of the year. Hallmark will start showing Christmas movies 24/7 on October 25th.

I know, I know there are those of you who do not share my love or obsession regarding Christmas.

Yesterday, Jenn found an ornament she knew I would like.  I didn’t have the heart to put it away.  It found a home next to the ceramic Christmas tree that I leave out all year as a nightlight/decoration.

I have made it a tradition to leave out a few Christmas items (ornaments or some other little items) just as a reminder to me that my favorite day and night will return again.

Meanwhile, enjoy the autumn season no matter where you live.

See you next week.

This is so sad to admit

The company line is work/life balance.

 I like to say life/work balance.

Friday, while I worked at home I realized how out of balance my life is.

Work is insane, out of control, stressful and all consuming.

I didn’t realize how out of tilt I was until around lunchtime.

I had planned to make a can of soup for lunch.

No big task you would think.

I opened the can of soup and added a can of sliced mushrooms.

Into the pot they went.

Then it happened, my reality check about the balance in my life.

I stared at the stove I bought back in February.

I had no idea how to use my dream stove.  It has a flat cook top, double oven where you can cook at
different temps and one of them is also a convection oven (whatever that means).

I took a guess based on the images next to the dials on the stove.

I guessed wrong.

When I get home at night on the nights I commute, Jenn fixes us something like soup.

Easy and quick.

The key words in that sentence above are “ Jenn fixes us”.

Jenn has used the stove and oven many times since February.

I end up too tired from work/life to do anything except grab something from the fridge.

Hummus and celery. String cheese and turkey pepperoni. Nothing fancy or that takes more than an ounce of energy.

Who owns a new stove and finally tries to use it and has no idea how to use it after all this time?

I thought I had it figured out.

I put the pot on the stove, turned on the burner and went back to work.

I guess my sense of hearing and smell are not great.

I thought I heard the soup sizzling.

I thought I smelled the soup.

I went to the stove and poured the soup into a cup.

Back to the table to working.

I took my first mouthful of the yummy, hot lunch.

It was barely warm in fact more cold than luke warm.

I was so hungry I ate it, the cold cream of mushroom soup with sliced mushrooms.

How pathetic is that?

I had a conference call coming up, so I didn’t have time to go hunt down the owners manual to figure out how to use the damn stove.

It was as I sat there eating that cold soup, it hit me again like a 2X4 !

I need to stop preaching to others about LIFE/WORK balance, if I am not going to practice what I preach.

There are always defining moments in life and not knowing how to use a stove I have owned for more than six months is one of them.

Work is not all my life encompasses. It pays the bills, provides challenges and interaction with great people.  I think I am a good manager and I care about my team.

BUT my life is more than just my career.

I have an incredible daughter, a family that loves me and wonderful friends who really do care about me. They all put up with my moods, my highs and lows.

They have all encouraged my to stop and smell the roses and enjoy this journey called life.

How do I take control back?

Baby steps I guess.

When I finish writing this I think I will go find the owners manual for my stove or maybe I can just ask Jenn for a lesson so I can make myself a can of soup tomorrow.

Damn job.

LOL damn stove.

See you next week.

Dorian

We started hearing about a possible hurricane two weeks ago.

Florida was going to take a big hit.

My concerns were twofold.

I have a lot of family and friends in Florida.

My team at work covers the state of Florida.

A hurricane in the mortgage business can put everything at a standstill.  Re-inspections have to be ordered once disaster areas are declared.  Insurance companies stop writing policies until the storm is over.  All this can lead to challenges and  issues.

And of course, there is the worry about family making it through the storm safely.

Then last Saturday things changed, all of a sudden South Carolina was in play.

Sunday, the Governor announced mandatory evacuations for the "Lowcountry" starting at noon the next day.

Lane reversals were set to start Monday.

Monday was supposed to be a day of rest since it was Labor Day.

No such luck. It was packing up day and shut down the house day.

As we got ready to leave, I looked carefully at each room of my house.  Taking pictures in my mind in case it was damaged during the storm.

Jenn has taken pictures and video's of each room in the house for insurance purposes.

One of us was very practical and the other very emotional.

I said a prayer that all would be OK.

I also asked Mom, Dad and Dan to keep an eye on the house.

Tuesday we hit the road at 6:10AM.  We were very lucky traffic was terrific.

We are also blessed to have Mary open her house to us weekly and for evacuations.

We dropped everything at her house and went to work.

Then all we could do was wait and wait and wait.

I was slightly obsessed with the weather reports.

The island I live on was shut down.  The gate at the bridge onto the island was locked.

I couldn't go home even if I wanted to.

Thursday, we were told the mandatory evacuation was lifted. 

Friday, it was time to pack up and head home.

Once again the traffic was not too bad.

As we drove on the island, there were signs of the storm but nothing too catastrophic.

There were some very big branches several feet long in the back of the house.

Our driveway looked like a carpet of leaves and debris.

Inside the house, it looked just as it had when we left Tuesday morning.

Time to put the house back together and unpack.

Drifting off to sleep in our house was wonderful. 

All of my fears had been for no reason.

Saturday morning, I woke up at first light.  I wrapped a blanket around me as I sat in my recliner.  I felt such a sensed of peace.

It was wonderful.

This is the third hurricane in the three years I have lived here.

It was the second time I have evacuated.

It doesn't get any easier with each passing storm.

See you next week.

The Place I Loved Living The Best- (actually the first place)

153rd Street between 3rd Ave and Melrose Avenue in the Bronx: 1955-1963



Living on the top floor in a 5th floor walk-up. The apartment was very hot in the summer as it was right under the roof which consisted of asphalt sheets sealed down with black tar.

On many summer days, Mom would take us kids up to "Tar Beach".  We would play among the clotheslines while Mom sat on a blanket.

The small bedroom I shared with two of my siblings. My parents managed to squeeze in bunk-beds, a crib and large toilet paper boxes which held our toys. One solitary window on the outside wall with a clothesline attached outside of it (no window safety guards back then). Or else there were clotheslines on the roof we could use.

The living room at the end of the long hallway.  During the holidays, a Christmas, the tree was in the corner of the room where you could see it as soon as you walked in the apartment door. There were french doors that led to my parents bedroom and the fire-escape.

The kitchen so small the refrigerator sat in the hallway. Next to the refrigerator was the dumbwaiter.  Hearing the buzzer sound, we kids always raced to help load our trash on board while our next door neighbors did the same task at the same time. Being able to see into someone elses apartment while loading the brown paper bags into the tiny compartment seemed normal to us.

The bathroom was not very big with tub, pedestal sink and pull chain toilet with the water tank over your head.

At each landing, there was on open window between floors. At times you could feel a cool breeze or due to draft pulling air from each floor you could smell the variety of dinners being prepared for all the families residing on the various apartments.

My whole world was on 153rd Street, one solitary block from Melrose Ave to Third Ave.  Cement sidewalks and surprising as it sounds, cobblestone streets. Apartment building after apartment building from one corner  to the next with a few two family houses squeezed in between.. The only trees were in the few backyards of those smaller houses.

Yankee Stadium was just a few blocks away.

My world expanded when I went to kindergarten at PS 3 at 157th Street and Melrose.  It was the same school my Dad attended when he was young.  In fact, my teacher, Mrs. Mackie, had taught my Dad years earlier.  Dad would walk me to school and Mom would pick me up after school.

The next year my world expanded in the other direction, all the way to 149th Street. For the next two years, my brother, George, and I would cross Melrose Ave and walk to 4 blocks to school together.  He was 8 and I was 6.  Two little kids walking alone to school.

By 1963, Dad and Mom decided it was time to move on to another section of the Bronx. 

Years later, this neighborhood along with so many parts of the Bronx were burned to the ground.

 From the New York Post in October 1977:

It was game two of the 1977 World Series, a chilly, blustery October night in the South Bronx. The Yanks were already down 2-0 in the bottom of the first inning when ABC’s aerial camera panned a few blocks over from Yankee Stadium to give the world its first live glimpse of a real Bronx Cookout. “There it is, ladies and gentlemen,” Howard Cosell intoned. “The Bronx is burning.”

Sometime in 1978, we were heading into the Bronx to see a Yankee game.  Dad asked if we wanted to go by the old house.  "Yes!", we all responded.  Driving through block after block of vacant burned out buildings was extremely sad.

Dad pulled up to any empty lot.  A pile of bricks laying where out Bronx apartment building once stood.

It was sad as I thought of the days of Trick or Treating from one floor to the next, bringing our report cards to the neighbors whose children were grown and being rewarded with 25 or 50 cents, carrying our Christmas Tree up all of those flights of stairs, trying to get a piece of coal from the coal chute during the deliveries used to heat our building  and memories of standing on the sidewalk watching one of our neighbors daughters dressed a bride heading off to their new lives.

When people from outside of the New York area hear about my youth, they give me a look such as  "how could you live like that?" or "wasn't it scary?".

It was my life as I knew it.  I never thought of it as being deprived or scared or anything other than normal.  I thought the whole world lived as we did.

Although today's Bronx has been rebuilt which makes me happy.

Those memories of that vacant lot with all of it's rubble are still with me after all of these years.
                                      


See you next week.

Recent happenings and random thoughts

Let me start by telling you I have started writing four blog entries in the last two weeks.

I have saved them for future use.

I just wasn't feeling them. I think at some point I will pick up where I left off and they will be shared.

Their titles are:
The places I loved living best.
People that have changed my life.
The meaning of a buck.
If inanimate objects could talk.

But as I have been advised before by my creative editor, write, write, write.

Here I go with attempt number five.

Jenn paid off her student loans! YAY ! No government free ride for her. I am so proud of her!!

I took several selfies after a recent haircut and color.  I didn't share any of the selfie's. Are you wondering why? I noticed in each picture one of my eyes doesn't open as much as the other.  The more I tried to open the problem eye the other one opened more.  All of a sudden I looked like I had seen something shocking. My eyes were open so wide and yet they still were noticeably not the same size. At least when I look at my C-section scar (which runs up and down and droops unevenly). there was a great reason for that scar.  Eyes that don't open evenly, no good excuse.  It is not droopy eyelids, it is just the eyes don't open evenly.

My staycation this week consisted of:
Naps
Staying up late
Sleeping late
Binge watching shows
Morning coffee at Waterfront Park
Friday afternoon cocktail hour at the beach


I also checked my Itunes account and had a lot of money sitting out there from gift cards. I decided to buy some of my favorites movies. 

My collection now includes:
The Intern
Under the Tuscan Sun
The Proposal
Devil Wears Prada
It's Complicated

Along with my random thoughts, I read something that was true and made me laugh. The one skill from High School that I use each day is not Algebra, History or Science. 

It is typing or is now called keyboarding. 

Think about it.  Every single day.  My mistake was peeking at the keys when I took typing class in high school.  Because of my peeking, I have gotten through college and my entire work history typing with just two fingers.  The pointer finger on each hand is all I have ever used. Yes, I am old enough to say I took TYPING as a class.  In case you are wondering, yes, it was an electric typewriter. I will admit when I was young I actually used a manual model my Dad owned.

Well there you have it, the blog entry I finally got through with all of it's randomness.

Just one more thing I heard during my binge watching that I loved.

Quote of the week from the TV show The Middle.

It's about each person's legacy and how we all march to the beat of a different drummer and you know what!  That is OK !!!

The Middle- Sue Graduation

See you next week.  Promise!

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

How many times were you asked a a child, "what do you want to be when you grow up?'

In Elementary School, I always gave the same answer "I wanted to be a teacher".

In high school, I thought about being a Physical Therapist.  But you have to be good in Science so that idea fell by the wayside,  plus the University that had a great physical therapy program was way out of my price range (or student loan range).

By the time I started college, reality had set in. I knew I loved writing.  Well, how about being a journalism major?  YES, first major.

Was I ever going to make a decent salary as a journalist?  Probably not.

Next, back to the ides of being a teacher.  Loved the classes.  But as I looked toward student teaching, I knew I could not afford to give up my day job in order complete that part of the curriculum.

I finally met with an Academic Advisor.

My question, what can I get a degree in with all the credit I have earned?

I could earn a B.A. in Behavioral Sciences (combination of Psych and Sociology).  OK that works for me. Give me my diploma and I can move on.

So what kind of employment can I seek with that degree?  I had no idea.

I got my first real job as a bank teller.  I have to say it was fun. But the salary was pathetic plus I now had student loan payments added to my budget. I stayed at that job a year.

Next, it was a job in New York City.  One block from the World Trade Center right on Broadway. Working in the Big Apple.

I worked as a trading assistant on the Government Trading Desk. 

A long way from my degree and teaching.

After becoming a Mom, I needed to work closer to home so I entered the world of branch banking again.

People would come in and ask for help filling out their mortgage applications (yes, back then you filled out a paper application).  We were also buying our first house and going through the mortgage process ourselves.

It seemed kind of fun.

Fast forward a zillion years and I am still working in the mortgage industry.

I have done in-house originations, processing, underwriting, and relocation closing.

I have been a Processing Manager, Underwriting Manager, Closing Manager and a Lending Partnership Manager.

I doubt anyone as a child said, "I would like to work in the mortgage industry".

But here I am all these years later.  It has it's challenges and rewards.

Right now, it is insanely busy and exhausting and that is normal for this time of the year.

My degree in Behavioral Sciences has come in handy as I try to figure people out - customers, loan officers, counter-parts, management and my team members.

In the last few years, I have started working again at my first love- writing.

As many of you know, I have two books in process, I have been writing profiles for a local magazine, I am working on an article or two that hopefully will end up in a national magazine and yes of course, this weekly blog.

I wish I more time and the energy to devote to my writing.  Right now my full time job is a job and a half so the down time is precious.  I am very fortunate to have my friend, Mary, open her house to Jenn and I a few nights each week which saves us 300 miles and 6 hours in the car any given day. 

What would we do without friends?  Although, I think Mary may get a little worried at times when at the end of the day I say, "what time do you want to go home?'  Yes, LOL I call her house home!!

See you next week.