Passages

Life is filled with "rights of passage"......

I remember taking Jenn for her first library card.  She had to write her name on the back of the card.  I wish I had saved it.  Her 5 yr old signature took up the complete back of the card. I loved when she asked me "I can take home any of these books?"

The first time Jenn got on a school bus, I drove behind the bus to see what route it took.  I didn't feel too bad since there was a long line of cars with first time parents following the school bus.

From proms, to driving, to graduations, to voting for the first time, to becoming legal.......all passages.

Your first car, your first job, your first love, your first broken heart.

There are weddings, births, divorces and sadly deaths.

Some passages may seem to be a minor event.......such as getting a library card.

Some change you forever..........losing a loved one,  I now think of things as while Dad was here or after he was gone.  Also the same with Mom., was it before or after Mom?

This past week was another passage......the first of the Welch "firsts" passed away after a tough battle with cancer.  My cousin, Gina, was one tough woman and didn't go quietly into the night.  Her life was celebrated on Friday and I am so sorry I wasn't there and didn't get a chance to say good by.

I think as I get older the passages of life become more significant.  Maybe because now in retrospect I realize how precious life is and each day is a gift.

So whether it be finally being tall enough to get on the grown up rides at an amusement park or looking for the perfect place for that final/retirement move or hearing your baby laugh or watching that same baby grow up and leave for college.........it's what makes life special and hard and happy and sad.

My sister once said she wished she had known when it would be the last time she would give one of her children a bath so she could have appreciated it more.  Or the last time I held Jenn's hand to protect her while we crossed the street.  But I think if I knew it would be too hard and would in a small way break my heart to know it would never happen again.......

But I also believe there is a place where we will all go......a place with no pain or sickness or cancer.......I think it will be a place where all things are good and happy........

Gina went there this week.......and it's nice to know she will be there to greet me with all the others I have loved and lost during my life's passages.......

The Week That Was.......

Tuesday, Bob and I went to the bank so he could open accounts for Social Security which he will start collecting in just a few months.  At the same time, I had his name removed from my accounts.  Jenn is now on ALL of our accounts......poor thing!! Another part of heading toward Chapter 3.  For over 30 years it has been our money........it is now his money and my money.

Wednesday, Bob tried getting his SS application done on line and on the phone and it became a mess. When I got home from work, I did the application in 10 minutes.  Even if he had gotten into the application, he couldn't have completed it.......they needed my birthday.....as many of you know this has been a bone of contention in our house for years.  Ask him when my birthday is......the answer is Thanksgiving.  Yes, I know that Thanksgiving changes every year but in his mind......it's Thanksgiving.

Friday, Jenn and I went out after work with my friend, Mary.  It had been way to long since we had seen each other.  I so enjoyed just taking some time to decompress and not just run home from work.

Saturday, We had a lot of errands to day.  We had 13 stops on our list.....yes I said 13.  We were at the gym by 8:00 and pulled back in our driveway at 3:15.  At 6:15, we were out again to go see a HS production of Hairspray with friends.  It was a lot of fun and I laughed a lot.

Sunday,  today I finished our tax returns.  I did a couple of versions to see which way would work best for us.  I did married filing jointly and each of us filing married but filing separately.

Random thoughts.....

It seems strange getting separate accounts to match our separate bedrooms but this is all part of the process......as hard as it was I know that these are all necessary steps needed for us to move ahead.

On the brighter side......I broke down and got the matching pillow shams for the quilt I bought a few weeks ago......for Chapter 3.

Bob and I had a .....hhhhhmmmmm......how should I said it......."interesting and loud" conversation about who should pay for MLB this season.  I don't watch it so why should I pay for it.  In years past, Jenn and I would give it to Bob as a birthday and Father's Day gift.  My thought was why doesn't he pay for it since he will now have money to pay for it.  He didn't agree with this thought process. Let's just say I tabled the discussion for a later date.  Maybe we will split the cost but the additional charge to my cable bill for his cable box (the room he is in right now only has basic cable) will be on him no doubt about that......

Separate accounts, separate bedrooms, splitting costs.....it needed to happen......I am just trying to do it and not let every decision be a battle.  I am really, really trying to be fair whether or not he believes that.......but I also have to look out for me......

There is no going back.......I need to look ahead and make sure the baby steps I am taking are in the right direction.......heading to the future and Chapter 3.......

Chapter Three......

I have decided my life is divided into chapters.......

Chapter One

My life from birth until I got married. (length 26 years)

Chapter Two

Life from the time I got married and raised my daughter. (length almost 32 years)

Chapter Three

I am in the early stages of this chapter.  This chapter is all about me.

I am starting to prepare for life after marriage, raising my daughter and eventually retirement.  Oh the retirement part won't come for years but that doesn't mean I can't start to get ready.  There are the big steps that I am slowly, very slowly working through.......such as feeling comfortable going out with friends as a single and not part of a couple.  I am getting less self conscious that I no longer wear my wedding band when I go out.  I do wear other rings sometimes but not that simple gold band with a few tiny diamonds.

Last weekend, I bought a quilt that I really like.  I packed it away.  It will be for my bed when I live on my own.  When I get the bed of my dreams.......one of those beds where the bottom and top move up and down   yea!!.  I also bought  recliner for my bedroom.  I am using it already but it will go with me when I move to my next location.  I spent a little more than I would have normally would but hey it is going to be part of Chapter Three so why not??

I now look at things as ........will I be taking them or leaving them behind.  There are some things in this house that I will definitely take with me.....others I will leave behind since I am not attached to them.  The same as I will take the good memories with me and leave the bad behind.

I have a real estate website that sends me emails each day about some of the locations I am looking for as my next stop.  Tybee Island, Savannah GA, Beaufort SC, St Helena Island SC, Fripp Island SC to name a few....yes all are beach or close to beach locations.  If I can get to a beach in a short drive it works for me.  I am ruling out any place with more than one level (let's be realistic I don't want to be climbing stairs all the time).  If the place has a lot of yard.....nope.  I won't mind a condo with an elevator either or even one flight of stairs up into it but once inside no stairs. Ideally, I would like 3 bedrooms.....one for any one who wants to visit, one as my home office and of course one for me.  A view from my porch or patio would be wonderful.  I can picture myself sitting outside in the morning drinking my coffee and able to smell the ocean.

I am slowly putting things in place to make this all happen.......eventually.  I don't mind waiting to make sure I am doing the right things at the right time.  It is nice to be able to think about it......to dream about it......to plan it........half the fun is the anticipation........

Time to dream......time to read......time to write.......time to travel........time to enjoy the next chapter of my life........the more I think of it the less scared I get.

I also used to worry about what everyone thought of me alone.......well I am starting to go out with friends alone and guess what the only person making a big to do about it is me!!!!

I showed a friend the mark still on the ring finger of my left hand.  It has been six months since I had my wedding ring cut off. I don't know if the mark will ever go away.  At work, I still wear other rings on that finger because I don't feel totally comfortable with it bare.  Plus, there are people who just don't know and will ask "how is Bob?"  I just say fine and move on.

And that is what I am doing oh so slowly.......moving on........I have had a lot of good advice from family and friends and I appreciate it .....every single word.  But I have to remind myself this is my life and my decision.  And the bottom line is in the middle of the night I have no one to turn to.......

But I think I will be OK........after that recent "mammo" scare.......I have to do what makes me happy.  My friend told me tonight at Mass the priest said something to do for Lent was to smile more.......I like that.....somewhere in the shuffle of my life I lost that and now am finding it again.......not a forced or fake smile......but a real honest to goodness smile connected to a happy person.......

As I move through Chapter Three, I will keep you posted.....whether it be to tell you I bought the pillow shams to match my quilt for my next stop or continue to find the happiness I seek.......or the struggle of letting go of Chapter Two.......

One thing I am sure of is.......... a day out in  the future when I roll out of that dream bed of mine with the matching quilt........take a quick shower, grab a thermos of coffee and my notebook..........jump in my car (not sure what kind it will be)........a take a drive to the beach........grab my beach chair, thermos, notebook and IPOD.....find a spot on the beach and watch the sunrise.........and I will know I had to go through all the other chapters of my life to get there........finally finding the peace and happiness I seek........

A Long 24 Hours and a New Respect For Others.......

I have a new respect for what some family and friends have experienced in months and years past.......it is so true you don't know what another persons life is like until you walk in their shoes.  I didn't do but a few steps in the shoes of my parents, sister-in-laws, cousins and friends but I can assure you it was eye opening ........and humbling.

I went for my annual mammo a week ago Thursday. You show up...... they squash those babies and off you go for another year.  As I left I said to the ladies "See you next year!!"

Wrong.......

On Monday while on a business call, my personal cell phone started to vibrate.  I picked it up and looked and it was  local number but not one I recognized.  All of a sudden I thought "my mammo.....".  Fortunately, I was winding up my business call and was able to grab the call on my cell before it was lost.

I was right.........

It was the Breast Center from Richland Hospital.  They wanted me to come back on Tuesday for another look.  That was as far as I got before my brain checked out.  The lady's voice suddenly sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher....."wah wah wah".....I couldn't make out any of the words.......the only thing I was sure of when I got off the phone was I had to be there on Tuesday at 1:00.

I spent the rest of the day working but in a fog. I let my boss know about my appointment. Once I got home, I told Jenn what was going on. Was I brave.... no........unconcerned..... no.......was I worried (you all know the answer to this)......YES..........did I go to the dark side......of course.......and I prayed.......a lot.

I didn't sleep much that night.......I watched a zillion episodes of Golden Girls while I let my mind wander.  I kept touching my boobs......trying to see if I could feel anything......I felt nothing.......I was sure I would show up on Tuesday with fingerprints all over them.

Jenn offered to go with me.....so did a friend who had been through a similar experience.  I thought.... I can go alone.  But Tuesday morning Jenn said "what time are you picking me up so we can go?"  I told her 12:30.  I went to work and the morning went very quickly.

Before I knew it......it was time to go.  I picked up Jenn and for once in my life I arrived at an appointment early.

I had to go back for more pictures.....this time my breast looked like a personal size pizza.....thin crust.....so it was very compressed.  The tech told me to breathe.....that always sounds funny.....when you are in that position it is almost impossible to take a breath.  After the series of pictures.....I sat and waited.  The tech came back and said "OK we are going to do an ultrasound".  On we go to the next room, I lay down and we start.    I am trying to see if I can read anything in the tech's face......I am getting nothing.  I would never want to play poker with her.......no change in expression at all.  She leaves and is gone about 10 minutes and comes back to tell me the Dr. is away and will be back in a few minutes.

So there I sit.....one arm in the hospital gown.......the other side covered by a towel....and a sheet.  I asked Mom to stay with me and felt like I could feel her arms around me.  I think Dad was standing in the corner of the room.....annoyed that I am worrying so much.   I continue to pray but I do not make any crazy deals with God......I don't promise to give up cheese or vodka or cursing or meatballs on Tuesday.  A sense of calm finally comes over me.  I know whatever happens ......I can handle it.

Then tech returns and says "You can go home!!"  I say "Everything is OK?"  She says "Yes, it's a cyst."  I can have it drained if it bothers me. I will admit I started to cry and gave her a hug.  I got dressed and was ready to leave.  Jenn said it seemed like I had been gone a long time.

I took Jenn back to work and I went back to the office (OK Dad would have approved of me going back to work).

I felt a mix of emotions....relief......guilt (because I was OK).......and blessed.

My admiration for some incredible people shows no bounds.........hats off to my Mom and Dad, sister-in-laws Patty and Terry, cousin Gina, friend Kathy and Jenn's first grade teacher Lauren to name a few .......all have heard the words "you have cancer".  They all faced their diagnosis with courage, faith, determination.......none of them were or are victims......they are all survivors!!!!!!

And as for me......I hoped I would be a little tougher than I was.......I am a little disappointed that I was a wimp........and afraid.......but I never thought why me.......

I doubt I will take my Dr. appointments so lightly ever again.........in that way I have been changed.........forever........

See you next week.........