I have a new respect for what some family and friends have experienced in months and years past.......it is so true you don't know what another persons life is like until you walk in their shoes. I didn't do but a few steps in the shoes of my parents, sister-in-laws, cousins and friends but I can assure you it was eye opening ........and humbling.
I went for my annual mammo a week ago Thursday. You show up...... they squash those babies and off you go for another year. As I left I said to the ladies "See you next year!!"
Wrong.......
On Monday while on a business call, my personal cell phone started to vibrate. I picked it up and looked and it was local number but not one I recognized. All of a sudden I thought "my mammo.....". Fortunately, I was winding up my business call and was able to grab the call on my cell before it was lost.
I was right.........
It was the Breast Center from Richland Hospital. They wanted me to come back on Tuesday for another look. That was as far as I got before my brain checked out. The lady's voice suddenly sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher....."wah wah wah".....I couldn't make out any of the words.......the only thing I was sure of when I got off the phone was I had to be there on Tuesday at 1:00.
I spent the rest of the day working but in a fog. I let my boss know about my appointment. Once I got home, I told Jenn what was going on. Was I brave.... no........unconcerned..... no.......was I worried (you all know the answer to this)......YES..........did I go to the dark side......of course.......and I prayed.......a lot.
I didn't sleep much that night.......I watched a zillion episodes of Golden Girls while I let my mind wander. I kept touching my boobs......trying to see if I could feel anything......I felt nothing.......I was sure I would show up on Tuesday with fingerprints all over them.
Jenn offered to go with me.....so did a friend who had been through a similar experience. I thought.... I can go alone. But Tuesday morning Jenn said "what time are you picking me up so we can go?" I told her 12:30. I went to work and the morning went very quickly.
Before I knew it......it was time to go. I picked up Jenn and for once in my life I arrived at an appointment early.
I had to go back for more pictures.....this time my breast looked like a personal size pizza.....thin crust.....so it was very compressed. The tech told me to breathe.....that always sounds funny.....when you are in that position it is almost impossible to take a breath. After the series of pictures.....I sat and waited. The tech came back and said "OK we are going to do an ultrasound". On we go to the next room, I lay down and we start. I am trying to see if I can read anything in the tech's face......I am getting nothing. I would never want to play poker with her.......no change in expression at all. She leaves and is gone about 10 minutes and comes back to tell me the Dr. is away and will be back in a few minutes.
So there I sit.....one arm in the hospital gown.......the other side covered by a towel....and a sheet. I asked Mom to stay with me and felt like I could feel her arms around me. I think Dad was standing in the corner of the room.....annoyed that I am worrying so much. I continue to pray but I do not make any crazy deals with God......I don't promise to give up cheese or vodka or cursing or meatballs on Tuesday. A sense of calm finally comes over me. I know whatever happens ......I can handle it.
Then tech returns and says "You can go home!!" I say "Everything is OK?" She says "Yes, it's a cyst." I can have it drained if it bothers me. I will admit I started to cry and gave her a hug. I got dressed and was ready to leave. Jenn said it seemed like I had been gone a long time.
I took Jenn back to work and I went back to the office (OK Dad would have approved of me going back to work).
I felt a mix of emotions....relief......guilt (because I was OK).......and blessed.
My admiration for some incredible people shows no bounds.........hats off to my Mom and Dad, sister-in-laws Patty and Terry, cousin Gina, friend Kathy and Jenn's first grade teacher Lauren to name a few .......all have heard the words "you have cancer". They all faced their diagnosis with courage, faith, determination.......none of them were or are victims......they are all survivors!!!!!!
And as for me......I hoped I would be a little tougher than I was.......I am a little disappointed that I was a wimp........and afraid.......but I never thought why me.......
I doubt I will take my Dr. appointments so lightly ever again.........in that way I have been changed.........forever........
See you next week.........
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Donna - I give you permission to be OK with the fact that your weren't strong to start - I certainly was NOT!!! The tears - the screams and the flailing of the arms - and then I calmed down and had a few beers!! This was after the phone call - the mammo scene was a bit like yours except I was told at the sono that I needed a biopsy - and look at me now - right back to being the B*tch I always was :) Love you Donna - Glad it is all ok!! Wish you would've called me - I couldn't have totally talked you down from the bridge!!
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