Getting Used to the Changes.....Breaking Habits.......

I quit smoking almost 30 years ago.  I was surprised I was able to do it relatively easily. I do not miss it and have long since felt a real desire to pick up a cigarette.  Maybe the price for a pack of cigarettes is a good deterrent......which means I am cheap or thrifty.  But every once in a while.......very rarely.....I see someone smoking and inhale with them......I can feel the rush of taking a drag......how weird it that after all those years.

I haven't had a soda in over a year.  But every once in a while, I want one so bad.  A nice cold diet root beer or a diet Pepsi or a diet cream or black cherry.  I know deciding not to drink any more soda was good for me.  Plus.....once again I was trying to cut costs.  I do drink a lot more plain water, flavored water and occasionally carbonated water. No sugar, no carbs, no caffeine and no calories. On the rare occasion when I have a drink.....vodka is my 1st choice.  I used to drink it with diet 7-Up or diet Sprite now I have a low calorie Minute Maid Fruit Punch....only 15 calories in an 8 ounce serving....not too bad.

I have lowered the amount of cheese I eat from probably a pound plus a week to either a tiny bit or none at all.  I miss cheese ....A LOT.  Yesterday, if there had been a block or cheese in the house I would have inhaled it. There is not food I crave more then cheese.  Yes, I have found other new foods to eat but none of them give me the satisfaction of cheese.  When a recipe call for cheese.... I eat fake cheese or some version of lite cheese........ when I do have cheese at all.  But the taste or real American or Blue or Swiss or Gruyere ......oh there are no words......

There was no better morning than a New York Bagel with American Cheese on it (OK a smear of cream cheese ran a close second) and followed up with a Yoo Hoo.  Sadly, I have given up Yoo Hoo's too (for a while there was Yoo Hoo lite and it was very good but for the life of me I can't find it anywhere). 

Now a sweet craving is replaced with oranges, grapes or pineapple.  Salty cravings replaced with almonds or low calorie -low fat popcorn.  It's not a chocolate covered pretzel but it gets me through a craving.

Losing weight changes you not only the most obvious way.....physically......but also mentally.  The physical changes you deal with and are not very challenging.  The mental changes take longer and are harder to deal with......getting called fat for years and years cannot be erased with the loss of each pound.  And I am not sure why I feel the need to say "I have a way to go" after every single compliment.  Is it a shield I am putting up.....am I afraid of failure so using that statement is a reminder to me I am no where near done? Am I scared that I will repeat my previous history and gain it all back plus some?  Will I ever be free of the FAT label....physically maybe....mentally never.

I shared this story on my FB page in a Weight Watcher group:

I had to go to the bank this week to handle a transaction.  The manager asked to see my driver's license.  I asked "you want to see my mug shot?" (my drivers license picture is really really bad......I look like a hatchet murderer wanted in 13 states).  Anyway, I pulled out my license and showed it to her.  She said "you are much prettier in person than you are in that picture"  I told her that was about 80 pounds ago.  She asked how I was losing weight and I told her Weight Watchers.  She called over two other bank employees and showed them my drivers license and told them what I had told her.  They were very complimentary.  All I could say was "Thank you but I have a way to go".

I received almost 200 likes to that FB post and a bunch of comments.  Once person said "do not say I have a way to go.....you are minimizing your accomplishment."  My daughter has told me the same thing....numerous times....."Mom.just say thank you!!"

Is the fact I feel the need to say "I have a way to go"....my way of getting off the hook for the fact I am still overweight?? As if you couldn't see with your own eyes that I am no where near goal.....it has to be a defense mechanism that I feel protects me from the possibility someone might say something hurtful.  I throw up that  protective shield and then I can't be hurt by any negative comments.....FAT FAT FAT.....it still rings in my head ....and my heart......and my soul.....

I can get used to the changes I have made to improve my physical health (although going through the cheese section in a store does get me drooling) but the mental battle is far more difficult......scars that may not ever totally heal.......one baby step at a time.

As I said in my meeting this morning......I no longer think about dying all the time.  I can see myself living a long long time (OK if I die soon I guess the joke will have been on me!! LOL). One of my WW pals, Sabrina said but you will not only live longer but also will be able to do so much more physically .....I won't be sedentary(I am paraphrasing her). And she was right ....it's not just about adding years to my life but it is about the quality of life to those years I have added!!

Ok to end this post on a OMG note......here is the drivers license photo I was talking about....you will note I have removed all pertinent info....also know as my weight (I am still not below that number and that number is pretty big so not a chnce you will get to see that!!!)

See you next week.......

There Is A Thin Person Inside.......

My WW leader talked about going through the weight loss process is like peeling the layers of an onion.  I like to look at it like the piece of marble Michelangelo was sculpting and said that the work of art was always there he just had to take away the excess marble.

I can relate both of those comparisons to my weight loss journey.  Even at this point in my life I am learning so much about myself. It is a strange road to travel.......I always thought by the time I reached this point in my life I would have it all figured out but instead there are things about which I still do not have a clue.......is it me or are there others that feel like that??

Yes, there is a thin person inside me or a healthy person as I prefer to look at it.  At this point in my life it's not about looks (although wearing smaller sizes is not that painful).....it is about longevity and flexibility and still wanting to try new things.  My goal is still so far away that I cannot even imagine what it would be like to get there. Considering I am quite the dreamer it sounds funny that I cannot picture getting to goal but I can picture myself at a book signing.......why is it my brain is willing to accept some things as reality and others as almost impossible to imagine???

Barry Manilow (yes I said Barry Manilow and yes I am a Fanilkow!! so get over it you non-Manilow fans) sings two song I can really relate to....one is called "There's A Kid Inside" and  the other is "All The Time" and there is also one by Mama Cass of the Mama's and the Papa's called "Make Your Own Kind of Music" that rings true to the Donna of now.....

As many of us do.....we find songs we can relate to.....it's like the music in the movies that plays in the background of our lives......

"The Kid Inside"......reminds me of the insecurity of growing up and how those years can hang with us throughout our lives.  I was never self confident in HS.  Fun oh yeah....social absolutely ........sure of myself around my much smaller friends...NOT.  Why was it I was always surprised if a boy liked me?? I always thought why aren't they with so and so  she is much smaller than me.....so the weight thing was there even years ago.....

"All The Time"......makes me think about how alone I have felt at times and not realizing that there were others feeling the same way.  When I am at my WW meeting I am sitting with people who get me.....really get me. When I go on the WW websites and I see people sharing about their struggles I feel like I have come home......whether they have 10 pounds or 100 pounds to lose they have walked in my shoes.  There was a lady today who posted about her concerns regarding an upcoming trip......I could have written the same post word for word.  The concern about being the big person......the walking that is involved in travel.....the embarrassment of having to ask for a seat belt extender.....the look on the person's face that is going to sit next to you.......and horror of horrors....what if it is one of those airlines famous for telling people of size you have to buy a 2nd seat......although I have not experienced that I do understand it. Watching TV shows where Southwest airlines asks bigger people to go on the plane early to make sure they will fit in the seat and not infringe on their neighbors space.......if you have never had a weight issue how could you ever understand that???? I could be on a therapists couch for years and never figure out how to battle those fears or issues......but my Sunday morning WW meeting is my therapy time.....along with a few laughs mixed in.

The last song, "Make Your Own Kind of Music"....reminds me of how I am now.  I do not have to fit into a mold someone else has made for me.....it is OK for me to march to the beat of a different drummer and be happy.  I am still worthy of peoples love, friendship and respect.  And maybe just maybe there are some laughs and hugs and pure fun along the way.  I am finding my inner child and she is no longer too worried about the judgment of others (notice I didn't say not worried at all.....LOL....I have not gotten that far yet).  I am someone you would not want to miss getting to know.....I am so worth it!!!!!!

If you are not familiar with these songs....take a few minutes to listen to them and I think  you will understand why I picked them for this entry.

I saw a picture on FB and it said to me "THIS IS YOU DONNA!!!!"

It is a picture of a little girl standing in the rain in a sun suit her arms outstretched and a look on her face that stays with you and the quote said

"Remember her? She is still there....... inside you.......waiting.....let's go get her !!!".......yup that's me!!!

OK one quick funny story I shared at WW this morning.  We were talking about enjoying eating as an experience not something to rush through.  We talked about things like eating standing up etc.  I told the group about an event a long time ago when we were at my sister's house helping with something and also making a meal for the family.  So there we are the two Raboni sister in crappy clothes like sweatpants, old tshirts, no makeup and our hair just pulled up in clips.  Mashed potato's were part of the meal.  We both started  "testing" them.....right at the stove each with a spoon digging into the pot and having mouthfuls of the potato's.  Next thing we look up and there is a really, really handsome (did I mention drop dead gorgeous) man standing in the doorway looking at us.......mouths full of potato's looking like.....ugh..... I can't even imagine .....it turned out my brother had brought a friend over with him.  After that I have to say eating out of a pot at the stove is not something I do much anymore unless I am ABSOLUTELY sure no one will be showing up in my kitchen that I didn't anticipate......

See you next week......

Mom's Legacy and How She Continues to Help Me

Today is the day we celebrate Mom's.....it is a day of mixed emotions for me.  I love being a Mom but I also miss my own Mom.

After I had Jenn....... on my next birthday......I sent my Mom flowers.  I think it was an apology for the fact I weighed 10 pounds 4 ounces at birth (oh I am sure that was a fun delivery). As I have said before I probably had my 1st WW lecture in the nursery of  St. Francis Hospital in the Bronx.

My original thought of spending a morning watching the sunrise at the beach didn't materialize.  If I did that I would have missed my Weight Watchers meeting.  Right now that is more important !! I was glad I attended...... it was a good meeting. I was down again this week reversing the trend from a few weeks ago of two weeks in row going up.

Jenn wanted to know if I wanted to go out to breakfast.  All I could think of was long lines and waiting to get a table. So I passed.....

BUT I did tell her I would love a slice of pizza....real honest to goodness pizza.  I had the points for it so that would work for me.  We went and had pizza.....we skipped the usual giant pretzel we used to order with hot mustard.  The pizza was sssooo good.  Then insanity hit......as we left from our pizza I asked her if she would like some ice cream.  I have been dreaming of strawberry ice cream.  Well I guess the WW gods had different plans for me.....no strawberry ice cream was available at our stop.  Now I was a woman on a mission....how about a Starbucks chocolaty chip frappacino....a small one we would share.  So off we went to Starbucks.  Jenn came out with the drink and guess what.....it was the wrong thing and it tasted awful....LOL....the WW gods were definitely in control today. So no strawberry ice cream or frappacino.....serves me right for trying to go over board.....

You would think after all this time I would have the WW program down pat..... which I do......but you can see the eating habits that have gone on for years and years are hard to break.

Well I gave up...LOL....even if I wanted to live it up food wise it was not going to happen....so I went home and had grapes....not wine...LOL...just plain grapes.

Anyway back to the title of this entry.....

My Mom was awesome.....but I am sure that claim isn't different for most of us.  I miss her everyday.  I have been thinking about her more lately.  There have been quick snippets of memories with her that keep popping in my head.  I am not sure if it is Mother's Day or the sale of the family home or getting past the stage of pretending she is in NY.  I wish she was here now when I am finally at a point where I could spend more time with her.  I wish I could call her and ask her to fly down for a few weeks or get in the car and go visit her for a few days.  I don't feel remorse but I do feel a big sense of regret.  If she was just here a few years more we could have had that time .....but I know there is nothing I can do about it now.......

Maybe it is a hard reminder that I need to spend more time with family and friends.  And that is something I plan to do.......I promise.....no more regrets.......

Part of Mom's legacy besides the obvious children, grandchildren and great grandchildren...... was the small sum of money that was left for each of her children.

It's been 4 years but I still have most of that money.  I am using it for special things.....a third earring in my ears, a book fair, a writing seminar, a tank of gas on the way to Welch Ohana family reunion in Missouri......and my membership for Weight Watchers.  Mom continues to give to me......I pay for the membership monthly but it was Mom's money that got me started.  So I have her to thank for putting me on the road which has helped me to lose almost 80 pounds so far from my all time high.  I know she was worried about my weight and my health so even in the end Mom is still helping me......

I am not sure where else her money will take me.....a glass of wine in Italy.......assisting me in getting my book published.....the long anticipated tattoo......something extra on my next car.......or something else for chapter three....can you spell BEACH??

In order to make the money last I just use a small amount for each of my new adventures......if the book seminar is $50 then I use $5 from Mom's legacy as part of it, if the tank of gas was $40 ..Mom chipped in $10.....at this rate I can fulfill so many of my dreams thanks to Mom.

Of course, I would I give it all up for one more hour with Mom.  But fate is not that kind.....so instead I will think of her with every pound I lose or new adventure I pursue when I use just a few dollars from the money she left.....

Thank you Mom for continuing to help my dreams become realities and some day a way off when I reach my goal at WW...it will have been because of you......

And here of course are some of Mom's more obvious legacy......sorry I did not include recent pictures of her great grandchildren......Victoria, Elouise, Zoey, Dominic and Cora

See you next week.......

OK I Am Giving It One More Day.....One Hour At A Time......

I have decided that I need to take my getting healthier efforts one hour at a time a day at a time.  This week my "feelings" were all over the map.  Everything was just "this much" out of kilter.  By Friday at 5:00, I was drained.

I was also worried about weighing in this morning. But I was sure I would not miss the meeting and would stay no matter what the news was at the scale.  I am working on all of me not just the physical part.  Thank goodness I did not have another UP week at the scale.  I didn't make up for the 2 up weeks but did erase some of the gains. I made it to the gym and it felt so good to workout again.....so I guess the endorphin thing is true.

This week's topic at my meeting was "emotions".....it could not have been any more appropriate for me?

Life is full of memorable moments.  I just have had a bunch of reminders and events in the last few weeks that have put me on an emotional roller coaster......from sadness to joy.

Let's get through the rough spots first......
this week was the 4th anniversary of my Mom's Memorial Service .  FB now send you reminders of events from the past. That means I kept getting pictures of that week with my family.  Rolling into Mother's Day just made it a little harder.

FB also reminded me of the passing of a dear friends son 10 years ago.  Eric was too young to leave us but left a lasting impression in our hearts.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my parents house is being sold in a few weeks.

OK now let's get to the GOOD things in life.....

I now have a NEW grand niece....that makes 4 on the girl side and 1 grand nephew holding up his end for the boys.

The flowers are blooming and the herb are growing like crazy. And thank you Debbie for the perfect planter labeled "Donna's Garden" it is perfect for some of my herbs!!

I have started looking for writers workshops and have found some really great options to attend.  Some are a little pricey but we will see.....

I received a AAA magazine this week and what was on the cover....lighthouses......I love lighthouses.  The magazine showed several lighthouses along the North Carolina coast......maybe a trip in the fall to see them???

Life In General:

I know I can appear emotional.....I think there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve......I prefer to think of myself as a passionate person.  I am passionate about everything from family and friends to football.  There are very few things than I sit on the fence about but I also know enough to keep my mouth shut because I could get myself in trouble in at the drop of a hat.....

So here we go.....one hour at a time (in some cases it might be one minute at a time...LOL) day by day.....until I reach my goal...yes I said MY GOAL ...no one else has a say......after all it is all about me.......

See you next week......