Getting Used to the Changes.....Breaking Habits.......

I quit smoking almost 30 years ago.  I was surprised I was able to do it relatively easily. I do not miss it and have long since felt a real desire to pick up a cigarette.  Maybe the price for a pack of cigarettes is a good deterrent......which means I am cheap or thrifty.  But every once in a while.......very rarely.....I see someone smoking and inhale with them......I can feel the rush of taking a drag......how weird it that after all those years.

I haven't had a soda in over a year.  But every once in a while, I want one so bad.  A nice cold diet root beer or a diet Pepsi or a diet cream or black cherry.  I know deciding not to drink any more soda was good for me.  Plus.....once again I was trying to cut costs.  I do drink a lot more plain water, flavored water and occasionally carbonated water. No sugar, no carbs, no caffeine and no calories. On the rare occasion when I have a drink.....vodka is my 1st choice.  I used to drink it with diet 7-Up or diet Sprite now I have a low calorie Minute Maid Fruit Punch....only 15 calories in an 8 ounce serving....not too bad.

I have lowered the amount of cheese I eat from probably a pound plus a week to either a tiny bit or none at all.  I miss cheese ....A LOT.  Yesterday, if there had been a block or cheese in the house I would have inhaled it. There is not food I crave more then cheese.  Yes, I have found other new foods to eat but none of them give me the satisfaction of cheese.  When a recipe call for cheese.... I eat fake cheese or some version of lite cheese........ when I do have cheese at all.  But the taste or real American or Blue or Swiss or Gruyere ......oh there are no words......

There was no better morning than a New York Bagel with American Cheese on it (OK a smear of cream cheese ran a close second) and followed up with a Yoo Hoo.  Sadly, I have given up Yoo Hoo's too (for a while there was Yoo Hoo lite and it was very good but for the life of me I can't find it anywhere). 

Now a sweet craving is replaced with oranges, grapes or pineapple.  Salty cravings replaced with almonds or low calorie -low fat popcorn.  It's not a chocolate covered pretzel but it gets me through a craving.

Losing weight changes you not only the most obvious way.....physically......but also mentally.  The physical changes you deal with and are not very challenging.  The mental changes take longer and are harder to deal with......getting called fat for years and years cannot be erased with the loss of each pound.  And I am not sure why I feel the need to say "I have a way to go" after every single compliment.  Is it a shield I am putting up.....am I afraid of failure so using that statement is a reminder to me I am no where near done? Am I scared that I will repeat my previous history and gain it all back plus some?  Will I ever be free of the FAT label....physically maybe....mentally never.

I shared this story on my FB page in a Weight Watcher group:

I had to go to the bank this week to handle a transaction.  The manager asked to see my driver's license.  I asked "you want to see my mug shot?" (my drivers license picture is really really bad......I look like a hatchet murderer wanted in 13 states).  Anyway, I pulled out my license and showed it to her.  She said "you are much prettier in person than you are in that picture"  I told her that was about 80 pounds ago.  She asked how I was losing weight and I told her Weight Watchers.  She called over two other bank employees and showed them my drivers license and told them what I had told her.  They were very complimentary.  All I could say was "Thank you but I have a way to go".

I received almost 200 likes to that FB post and a bunch of comments.  Once person said "do not say I have a way to go.....you are minimizing your accomplishment."  My daughter has told me the same thing....numerous times....."Mom.just say thank you!!"

Is the fact I feel the need to say "I have a way to go"....my way of getting off the hook for the fact I am still overweight?? As if you couldn't see with your own eyes that I am no where near goal.....it has to be a defense mechanism that I feel protects me from the possibility someone might say something hurtful.  I throw up that  protective shield and then I can't be hurt by any negative comments.....FAT FAT FAT.....it still rings in my head ....and my heart......and my soul.....

I can get used to the changes I have made to improve my physical health (although going through the cheese section in a store does get me drooling) but the mental battle is far more difficult......scars that may not ever totally heal.......one baby step at a time.

As I said in my meeting this morning......I no longer think about dying all the time.  I can see myself living a long long time (OK if I die soon I guess the joke will have been on me!! LOL). One of my WW pals, Sabrina said but you will not only live longer but also will be able to do so much more physically .....I won't be sedentary(I am paraphrasing her). And she was right ....it's not just about adding years to my life but it is about the quality of life to those years I have added!!

Ok to end this post on a OMG note......here is the drivers license photo I was talking about....you will note I have removed all pertinent info....also know as my weight (I am still not below that number and that number is pretty big so not a chnce you will get to see that!!!)

See you next week.......