But like a candle in the darkness.........way inside my brain.......and heart is a little tiny glimpse of hope that refuses to give in.......
I guess you can tell how my weigh in went today.
I got off the scale and said out loud....."I am done!!" Some of my WW buddies standing there said "No, you are not!" I texted Jenn and said "I give up!!" Her response was basically "get your ass into the seat at that meeting." I stayed and listened and thought and finally I spoke. Another member was talking about her frustrations with gaining instead of losing. I told her I could understand since I have had a few rough weeks myself. Stress at work, upcoming changes in my life and not exercising enough (partly due to my work schedule) has put me in this ugly dark place.
I start to doubt if I can really do this and be successful (whatever that means to me and no one else). My WW buddies encouraged me to hang in there and they hugged me. I told the class about what is coming up for me and how it is weighing on me both emotionally and physically.
Sometimes things happen at the right time......on my FB memories page a picture of me from 3 years ago popped up today. OK there was the visual reminder of how I have changed physically. Mentally and in my heart the battle continues. I knew looking at that picture I don't want to go back there. But I am also afraid.......I have seen how easily just a few pounds can sneak back on you. I am just talking about a few pounds but it just pushes my further away from my goal (not WW's goal but mine).
I knew after I had time to think about it I can't quit but how do you move forward when your feet are stuck in quicksand????
I have to figure it out.......the changes will come and go......the weather will cool off.......I will get back to the gym.......and the scale WILL start to move in the right direction again......I have to believe it or I couldn't face tomorrow. The mental and physical pain are very real and I am so tired of hurting. I have to believe I am struggling for a reason. We do have to crawl before we walk......we can't enjoy a mountain top unless we have been in a valley (oh how I love that phrase!!!).
Today, I recommit to my effort for a healthier lifestyle again for the zillionth time......I am not going to post how much I am up or down....unless I hit some noteworthy number because in all honesty who besides me really cares about the number that is my gravitational pull on the earth. My family and friends want me to succeed but they really don't need to know the numbers......they will be there as they have been all along pushing me, dragging me, walking with me, cheering me and sometimes holding me up when I don't think I can take another step.......and for that I am eternally grateful!!!
In order for this entry to not be totally depressing (LOL)....let me tell you about some of the roses I have stopped to smell recently......
Today I held a baby.....it made me laugh as she smiled at me and held my finger.....so peaceful as she fell asleep on my shoulder.
Jenn bought me a notebook the cover is gold glitter and it cost $1.49 and some Bic pens in a variety of colors for 97 cents.......she said they are to write about my future......my plans and hopes and dreams and hopefully things that will turn into realities......
I have gifts from friends that I look at and smile......a flip flop wreath, a mouse pad with flip flops (see a recurring theme here...LOL), a tiara, some chop sticks and a $3 light house sitting on my counter.....
I have gone back to cooking a variety of veggies for the week so my fridge is full of good options right at my finger tips.
I have promised myself that I will continue to stop and notice the small things in life that matter. The numbers on the scale will go down but I need to be part of the parade of life instead of just an observer or critic. There are people far worse off than me and I need to remember that......
Here are some of the simple pleasures that I appreciate......
A gold glitter notebook....
Some Bic pens in a variety of colors.....
A pair of chopsticks (one of my goals is learning to use them....LOL)
A flip flop wreath.......
The girl I used to be and the one I am now.....
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