Pomp and Circumstance

Yesterday, I attended the graduation of a dear friend's son.  He was the last of the High School graduations I will be attending for a close group of friends in Columbia.  This group of friends have been through a lot together including attending each others children's rite of passage from HS to College.

While listening to Pomp and Circumstance, my mind traveled back to all the other occasions where I have heard that song played.I have to admit it......I hear the music and I get choked up.  Why?? I think it has to do with the all of memories and the hours that built up to this final moment.....this final procession.

I think back to May 1966, when I watched my father walk into his graduation from NYU.  He was 33 years old and had just finished 10 years of college and law school at night.  The hours of sacrifice by both my Mom and Dad to make that moment possible......it took a lot determination to get to that moment. 

My own HS graduation was held on a football field on a Sunday afternoon.  I remember thinking how will I get through a day without these friends and knowing most of them..... I would never see again.  The longest friendships I have maintained in my life are my HS friends.  I am lucky to have them still in my life.  I didn't go away to college so as a commuter I didn't have the chance to build  the friendships other make while living away from home.

My college graduation was a big occasion for me since my brother  and I graduated on the same day from the same college.  We had a running bet over who would graduate first....technically it was a tie.  I received a Bachelor of Arts and he a Bachelor of Science.  I had my diploma holder in my hand first but when we went to turn in out cap and gowns, he was given his diploma and I was given a bill from the library that I had to pay before they would give me my sheepskin.

With Jenn I went to a slew of graduations, day care, kindergarten, 4th grade, middle school, high school, college and her Masters Degree.  Each was a special day and seemed to go by in the blink of an eye.  The one constant besides Bob and I at each of these occasions was Mom.  She was there for each of her grandchildren's graduations right up until she left us.

I didn't expect the flood of emotions I felt watching my friends son, Michael walk down that aisle to the graduation song......happy times, the reward for a lot of hard work and something to celebrate.  Thank you Michael for giving me the opportunity to share in your big day.....it gave me a chance to think of all those graduations I have attended and reminded me of the special people I shared them with.......

Changing things up......

I finally wore make-up again for the first time in 4 weeks (since my fall).  It felt good to put it on and  I was very cautious around my scars and super careful around my eye which is still swollen and numb.  My one eye still doesn't open as much as the other and my new scar down the side of my face is my new focus instead of the birth mark on my forehead between my eyes I had been focusing on before "my trip".  People say I am healing well but you know how it is when it is your face and not someone elses.  I am also surprised I still have a big bruise on the bottom of my leg and there is a lump there too.  I have a dr. appt. next week so I can check it out with him and we can continue to discuss my droopy eye lid and vision issues.  I also have my semi annual blood work this week......ugh......I always stress over this until I see the numbers and they are always good but you know me I have to have something to worry about!!!

Also, I am finally sticking to one of my New Year's resolutions.........changing up my jewelry.  My friend Kathy gave me a very cool necklace and some bracelets she made.  I love them!! I decided to wear the necklace and a bracelet Monday.  Well that led to different necklaces, earrings and bracelets each day.  And guess what???? The world did not end because I didn't wear my gold cross.  I had become so superstitious about it since I had started wearing it when Mom was diagnosed with cancer and felt that if I stopped wearing it something bad would happen.. How silly is that?????

The work week has been stressful and there are just not enough hours in the day to get it all done.  I have tried to set 6:00 as the cutoff time each day but somehow 7:00 and I am just leaving.  Friday it was 8:00 and today I will have to spend a few hours trying to play catch by working from home.  I do have to leave on time Friday since I have a pedi scheduled and maybe just maybe try to get the eye brows waxed??? We will have to see.......

I am really going to try and get out by 6:00 each night except tomorrow which is my late night.  I so need to have some me time......

OK one last thing.......I know that there are a lot of reasons for short term memory loss.....menopause being one of them......my slam to the head might be another......Jenn told me the night I fell she had stopped on the way home from the emergency room for a pizza since we never had dinner.......I don't remember any of it........she told me about a friend going in the army in the morning and in the afternoon I asked when the friend was going in the army......at times we will joke about it and she will say "do I need to take you to the hospital?".....we laugh.......but yesterday she looked at me with concern....then it concerned me too......but I think it is the big M.....the hit on the head and the fact that my brain needs to go a million miles an hour all week at work and on the week-end checks out.......at work things are so fast paced that I have to write down loan numbers because I will switch from one loan to the next and then forget which loan number I had been in earlier......

Am I worried about my memory.......not really.......OK maybe a little......some of it could be the aging process too......I AM NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!!!.......

I haven't said a lot about it lately......but yes I am still fighting the war on weight and exercising and finding healthy options to eat.  My lunch bag has cherry tomatoes, grapes, a banana and salad most days.....along with a few other things.  I still love the pool at the gym!!!!  And obsess about my weight and health all the time.  I do get and need  some encouragement a long the way.  It has been a long time since I have been happy about me.  BUT here is my new thought.....I know I am a work in progress so either love me as I am or leave me alone.  I am finally figuring out I matter and I am worth knowing!!!! Those who choose not to get to know me based on how I look.....their loss and they are missing something......well...... fabulous!!!!  Sounds like I am growing up......

So who am I and what is this I am writing????? OK that was a very very bad joke......



Here is me the day after the fall.......

 

and look at me 4 weeks later......

 

 

Talk about the miracle of medicine!!!!!

Mother's Day and a Family Visit........

Mother's Day......

Time to thank our Mom's for all they have done for us.  Time to remember the special days shared.  Time to enjoy with our children. 

My Mom was awesome.  Did I always think that......no.  I thought she had never felt anything I had, I thought she got smarter as I got older and I came to think of her as a trusted advisor.  In the end, I think we were also friends.  I didn't know she would leave such a void in my heart when she left us.

I love being a Mom!!! It is by far the best thing I have ever done in my life!!!

Me as a Mom.  I rock!!!! LOL  There are very few things about which I am so sure.......don't ask Jenn.....but in my opinion I knocked it out of the park.  When have you read one of my entries where I was so confident?  Almost never......

I loved the school concerts, the girl scout trips, having tea parties.......yes even the swim meets!!!!  I miss those days but something wonderful has happened........I now have an adult that I can talk to about a whole array of topics......from politics to cooking to life in general.

This week Jenn was awarded the Employee of the Year for her division at the University of South Carolina.  What was her first thought and mine??? Call Nannie......

Mom was there for the kindergarten graduation and to see Jenn receive her Masters Degree.  How great for Mom and how lucky for Jenn!!

As I hear Mom's wind chimes ringing gently in the breeze I am so grateful for each day I had her.  The last 16 months have been difficult without her.......but Jenn has helped to fill the gap with her sense of humor and sensitivity.

Thank you Mom and Jenn.....today is special because of both of you!!!!!

 

Me and Mom at my nephews wedding 2 years ago.

 

                                         Mom and Jenn at Jenn's college graduation.

The other special event this week was my brother George and his wife Marge stopped to see us for s few days.  It was great seeing them!!! Tuesday night we got to catch up with Cheryl and Mike too!!! Good times good times!!!!

I also tried to make Mom's Cole Slaw while they were here and guess what.....except for almost a tad too much mayo and not shredding the cabbage just a little smaller.... George said I nailed it!!! He said he knew it as soon as it hit his taste buds.  It only took numerous tries to get there but that made me very happy!!!!

There is something about shared experiences.....I can laugh with all of my siblings about things no one else would think is funny.  I guess most families have that kind of experience.  Whether is be a story about a dropped bowl of cream spinach, a pheasant motel or someone eating a fire starter because they thought it was a granola bar. 

George called me the lynch pin of the family......the one who for the most part keeps us all in touch now that Mom is gone.  I am glad to take on that roll.  George also said it is important to see those who matter to us.....he said " how many more times in my life am I going to see these people?' 

And he is right.......note to self.....spend more time with those I love..........laugh more and enjoy each minute like it is your last!!!

I am going to start doing that right now......... 

Me and my siblings.....Greg, Cheryl and George.

The Undies Are Too Big......LOL!!!

Sometimes it is easier to shop online.  I know my sizes and don't pick out anything crazy that I am sure will not fit.  I have ordered everything from nightshirts to bathing suits to t-shirts to work pants online.  Seldom do I have to return anything.

Until now......OK guys you might want to stop reading here......

I ordered 3 bra's online and yes some panties (why oh why do that word bother me???). I ordered my regular size.....

What a mistake.......

The bra's....were.......huge.  I put them on and looked like a jackass......

Now I am not small in the boob dept......(ok I am not small in any dept except self-esteem)......anyway....the cups could have been used a a baby swing or two connecting tents......

Next the panties (ok I really hate that word....ugh).....OMG they could have been used as a parachute.....when I took them out of the package I thought no way these will fit me they are enormous....

But I thought well maybe I am bigger than I think.  So I tried them on.......thank God no one saw me....even I burst out in laughter......they hung down to my knees.....that were so loose and covered me from under my boobs to my knees......I have never seen anything so ridiculous in my whole life.  I could have kept them to use as a tarp on our roof !!

Well, I didn't return them.......I gave them to Goodwill.....all brand new and never worn except the 10 seconds they were on my body.......

Well at least I can use them on my tax returns next year as a charitable donation.........and it was worth the laughter........

I Took A Trip But Not A Vacation........

I had a week's vacation.  Correct that statement, I had a week were I wouldn't be getting dressed and going into the office.  BIG DIFFERENCE!!  I had to start using some of my Paid Time Off.  Up until that week, I had only taken one day off so far this year.  I needed the break but couldn't let the work go. Each morning I would get up and get on the computer between 7 and 8.  I worked the majority of the day and one night even stayed online working until  8:30.  Not a vacation I would say.  But at least I could wear capri's or a t-shirt (bra optional). I didn't want to fall behind and have to play catch up when I returned to work.

I did find time to plant my herb garden, supervise the landscaping of the front of the house, cook a real meal and have coffee each morning.  But that was as far as the vacation went......

The week was pretty uneventful except my butt getting sore from sitting on a hard wooden chair for so many hours.  I even put a pillow on it to soften the seat but it really didn't work.  Maybe I should buy one of those seat cushions from"as seen on TV". 

I did have a haircut appt set for Thursday so I would be able to get out of the house to do something.

I left the house Thursday afternoon and picked up Jenn for our appointment.  No sense in taking 2 cars.  We got there on time and by 6:00 we were ready to head home. 

And that's when it happened........the trip part of the title of this entry.......

I was walking out of our hairdressers and my flip flop got caught in the welcome mat.  A pure accident!! Next thing I know I am falling down 3 cement stairs and my face is heading for the cement sidewalk.

Have you even seen an accident where you think to yourself......I wonder if the person killed in the accident knew even for a split second that they were going to die?  I can tell you for a split second as I fell I thought to myself.....OMG my face is going to hit the cement.  And boy did I hit it hard.....face first with all my weight behind it. 

THUD....my face on the ground.....my legs kind of behind me on the stairs.  Jenn yelled "Mom".  Then she yelled for Wayne who just moments ago had finished our hair.  I was able to get into a sitting position.  I boosted myself up one and then another stair.  I hear someone say should we call and ambulance?  I say no and told Jenn "let's just go home".  Jenn says there is no way I am going home.  I am holding a towel to my head and I can see blood on the sidewalk and all over my shirt.  I am still saying I want to go home.
First, I didn't realize how bad I was hurt.  Second, I was also extremely embarrassed (see the fat lady falling and look at what she has done to herself). 

Then I want my new glasses I was wearing......they are broken beyond repair.  I ask Jenn what is causing the bleeding on my face.  She tells me I have two bad cuts that she can see.  We decide to go to the doc in the box around the corner.  The Dr. there tells us I need to go to the emergency room.  Off to the hospital we go.  Jenn drops me at the ER entrance and goes to park the car.  I go to check in and the girl who needs to get my info opens a side window and says to someone "there is a lady bleeding badly out here",  Before I know it I am thought registration and back in the ER.  After they look at me and all my bruises, they send me for X-rays and a CAT scan.  The young man who took me over to those depts should try out for the Indy 500.  I have never moved at such a pace in a wheel chair ever!!!

We wait for the results of both the X-rays and the CAT scan.  Nothing broken.  They were concerned I had broken my eye socket.  Now it is time to be stitched up.  The nurse says she will get a diaper....I am thinking "What the hell did I hurt???"  The nurse says it is for around my head and shoulders so when they clean the wounds it won't go all over.....thank goodness!!!!I get a tetanus shot and then they start stitching.  The nurse says the scar on my cheek will just run into my crows feet around my eye .....wonderful.  The eye brown...well .....we will see how it looks when it is healed.  I did cancel my eyebrow wax until I see what I end up with.  4 plus hours later I am on my way home.  With ice packs, antibiotics and a face that looks like I went 15 rounds in a championship bout.

I sleep in recliner for the next 3 nights and Jenn slept on the couch.  She would get up during the night to refill my ice pack and give me Extra Strength Tylenol.  I worked at home for a few days since my right eye was pretty much closed.

I had the stitches taken out, got a new pair of eyeglasses, and am starting to heal.  There are still bruises showing up, hip and elbow still hurt....a lot..... the vision in my right eye is still not great (the Dr. said there is still swelling on my face and eye probably causing that), I have a part of my forehead that is numb (the Dr. said that could be temporary or permanent nerve damage)......all in all not too bad.    It could have been much worse.

There have been some funny moments.....at the ER Jenn called me Mom and Donna.....that led the nurse to ask what our relationship was ....was I Jenn's Mom, Step mom or something else. They told Jenn to watch for headaches, if I have memory issues and if I start to act weird.  Jenn asked "what's weird".  The nurse said "if I stripped in the middle of the living room."  Thanks goodness she doesn't know on occasion I have taken my clothes off in the laundry room to throw them in the washing machine and grabbed clean clothes out of the dryer to put on...LOL. This past week every time I say to Jenn "did I tell you that already?"  She laughs and says " Should I take you to the hospital??"

I was grateful she was there to help me out.  The only time I started to cry in the ER, Jenn said "please don't cry Mom or I will too."

This was by every definition an accident.....but when I do it I do it big!!!! 

As many of you know I have complained about so many parts of my body......hair too thin, having to have my nose hairs waxed, my droopy boobs, my fat ass, my huge thighs....and on and on.  I have said that my face was full but never really felt it was something I wanted to change other than it not being so full.  Now I worry about my face.....will the scars stand out??  My husband said "maybe you will need plastic surgery" .....at my age....NOT.....a few scars won't make a difference.  The one thing I hope is that my eyebrow looks normal after healing.......OK so now I can add  my eyebrow to the things to focus on!!!

Today, I am heading back to the gym.  I hope no one notices all the bruises when I get into the pool, I hope my hip won't hurt too much as I jog in the water, I hope no one stares at my face.....it is all about me you know.

OK the next time I have vacation......I am not going to work.......I am going to relax more........and I most definitely will not take a trip!!!!!!





 

Why Do I Obsess About Dying?

Since my Mom died.....I think about death a lot.  Is it abnormal?  Is it obsessive? 

I think it might be......

I think about dying every day.  I don't want to die.  Not now anyway.  I start to think about how many birthdays and Christmas's I have left. I pray every night thanking God for the day, I pray that I will wake up in the morning and in the morning I say a prayer of thanks that I woke up again. 

I worry that the fact that I have neglected my body for so many years will come back to haunt me.  I worry that the excess weight I carry will speed up my death.  I worry, I worry, I worry.....

I try to remind myself that I am doing good things to help myself.....exercise, eating healthier, I go to the Dr. to make sure that all the things I am doing will prolong my life.  There are days when my knee aches or my hip aches....I am hoping that losing weight will help those. 

I wish I could turn back the clock and have gotten my act together sooner.  I quit smoking 25 years ago.....why didn't I start doing the rest?????

I worry about flying.....I worry about car accidents.......I worry I will die in my shower......

I have tried to stop worrying......but can't seem to stop. 

I worry that the stress I feel at work will take its toll........I blame the stress and worry for the fact that my hair is so thin........do I sound as nutty as a fruitcake????

I know we will all have to die someday.......I just don't want it to be for a long, long time!!!!

I need encouragement to push myself to keep on this path of trying to get healthy, lose weight and exercise!!!!

This fat lady isn't quite ready to sing......

Yes, I Am Still Here.....

I know I didn't do an entry last week.  I was busy on Saturday so Sunday I played catch up.  Jenn and I spent Saturday driving to Raleigh NC to meet my parents 1st great grandchild, Victoria ( I met number 2 (Elouise) and number three (Zoey)at Christmas). It was a very enjoyable day and I didn't even mind that I spent 7 hours on the road and drove over 450 miles to spend 4 hours at a party.  It was worth it to watch Victoria ride around the backyard on a pony!!

My Mom's family have been know to do these kind of things.  We went to visit my grandparents one time and my grandmother suggested they all go and visit a friend of theirs.  My father said he saw my grandfather get a funny look on his face but had no idea what he was in for.  They drove several hours to visit this friend only to find out the friend wasn't home!!!

Yesterday, I went to the local farm stand for the first time this season.  I made a great salad with fresh veggies.....I finished it between yesterday and today.  I went back to the farm market again today to get more veggies.  I showed the man working there the picture of the salad I put on FB yesterday.  I told him I would surely be back again later in the week.  Then I went to Lowe's and did my once a year version of southern shopping.  I am not a gardener and so many people here love to do gardening.  I hate it!! I want low maintenance projects. I buy plants and when they die I pitch them.....you will not catch me outside in the heat with a hat on and a trowel in my hand working throughout the summer.   So once a year I go to Lowes and get what I need.  6 bags of river rocks for the front of the house, 2 hanging baskets of flowers, new herbs for the herb garden, potting soil and on and on...

I am on vacation from work this week but I am calling it working at home for the week.  I will be on my work computer each morning and will check in again in the afternoon and at the end of the day.....not really a vacation but at least I can go on my laptop in my jeans or capri's and a t-shirt.  I can grab a cup of coffee and occasionally look out the window.

So on my "vacation"  I will plant my herb garden, organize under my bathroom sink, organize my important papers bin, get the 3rd bedroom back in order, actually cook a dinner,  have the AC man come and figure out why the central air is not getting cool (better now than in July!!!!), scrub down the bathrooms from top to bottom....are you jealous yet???? How does that sound for fun?????  And in between these fun events I will follow up on what needs to be done at the office......am I a party animal or not????