Sights, Smells and Memories

I am writing this entry while sitting at my kitchen table.

There is a pot on the stove.

And the aroma of olive oil, garlic and onions is filling the room. I will say for the zillionth time, Yankee Candle could make a mint off of a candle with this scent.

Sunday's and sauce, they go hand in hand.

While the sauce was doing it's thing, I decided to check out FB.

The post that pops up is from a Bronx Group.  The entry that appears is a picture is of an Easy Bake Oven.  I remember wanting one so badly when I was young,  I never got one.  I did make  sure Jenn found one under the Christmas Tree at the right age.  Was it because I wanted it or was it my memory of never having one?

Another post on the page recently was about ankle bracelets.  When I started high school, I envied all the girls who had one.  On the weekends they wore them on their ankle.  During the week, if you went to a Catholic school, you wore it attached to a chain around your neck (the nuns did not allow ankle bracelets) . The same way your would wear your boyfriends ring on a chain around your neck too.

I was never given an ankle bracelet. I envied the girls who had them.

Water under the bridge. 

I could not afford to get Jenn an American Girl Doll like so many of her friends had when she was little.  I got her one when she was 30.

Better late than never.

I hate to tell her but a birthday party at the Montvale Roller Rink isn't ever going to happen.  I will just have to go to my grave with the guilt of not having had enough money to give her a party there like all of her friends.

OK so my list of regrets isn't too lengthy.  One Easy Bake Oven, one ankle bracelet and a party at a roller rink.

I guess add a unsuccessful marriage to the list.

Some things can't be fixed.  Maybe they are not meant to be repaired.

I am sure there are a lot of people who would love to have a list of "I wish or I wanted" as short as mine.

Sitting here looking around my kitchen that needs to be updated (meaning new cabinet fronts, counter tops, flooring and new lighting all make the list). New flooring/carpeting throughout my rooms is also on the agenda, eventually.  These are all wants, not needs and they will be taken care off one at a time. 

As much as I want to do all of these things tomorrow, my pocketbook doesn't match my desires.

I don't want them as bad as that darn Easy Bake Oven I wanted when I was 8.  Or the ankle bracelet I wanted as a teenager.

I guess I have spent a lot of my life just wanting to fit in and be like everyone else. Never the skinny girl.  Always the big girl.  Always wishing to look like someone else.

I can fix my size (a work in progress for years) but cannot get back those years of wanting to be something or someone other than what I was or am.

I could have been a better student which might have changed my career path.

I could have stopped the out of control train that led me to get married because everyone else was.  But if I hadn't gotten married there would be no Jenn and what a loss that would have be.

The good part about being a writer is I can right all the wrongs, make all the dreams come true and not leave any regrets on the table.

When I write, I can be a size 6, I can have someone fall madly in love with me and I can have someone to grow old with.

Although I have to admit there is something nice about not sharing a bathroom sink, not hearing "what's for dinner" and not being told I don't measure up.

In my dreams and words, all things are possible. How great is that?

I just have to dig in and carve out the time to puts the pen to the paper.

Some day this will be me at a book signing.

See you next week.

,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 

Savings for what you want and the candy tin

When I was young my parents didn't have a lot of money.  I am sure my family was not unique.

We didn't go on a lot of vacations.

At one point, my Mom hadn't seen her family in years.  Somehow, Dad did save enough money for us all to fly to California to visit my grandparents.

Another year, we went on a weeks vacation to a farm in the Catskills with the Raboni side of the family. Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles and cousins spending time together.

There were a few trips with a large tent and six sleeping bags.

Including a summer long trip across the country (once again to visit my grandparents). 

Knowing now that there was not a lot of expendable cash, I often wonder how Dad managed to pull it off (many of these trip were in the pre-credit card days).

Where now I have a "cookie jar account" at a local credit union.

Dad had a Barton's Candy Tin.

When he wanted to take us all to the World's Fair back in 1964-1965, he taped an index card to the tin.  The words WORLD'S FAIR FUND were written on the index card.

Each day he would throw his loose change in the tin.  It took about a year but on July 5th  1965, we finally made our way to the fair.

When Jenn was small, I followed dad's example and labeled a candy tin "FLORIDA FUND".  We saved for almost two years so Bob and I could take Jenn to Disney World.  I feel unAmerican in saying it was my only trip to Disney World.

Around 8 years ago, I opened the cookie jar account with a small amount of the money Mom left us when she passed away.

The cookie jar account has taken us to a couple of family reunions, a Jersey Shore reunion and on a rare occasion has helped out with an unexpected bill or two.  I would replace the money borrowed for non-travel events as quickly as I could.

It has paid to renew my passport in case some day I need one.  Just having a passport makes me feel like I can be impulsive and plan a trip out of the country without much notice.  Knowing me, small chance of that happening.

I have gotten by in the world of lay-a-ways squirreling away a few dollars at a time.

Or a cookie jar account.

Or by using a old empty candy tin.

See you next week.

PS1 This week's do something for someone else was buying a couple of boxes of Girl Scout cookies for the troops.

PS2  One interesting note- At the New York World's Fair there was a rotating restaurant. I think (I am not 100% sure) it was called Top of the Fair.  When the Fair was over the restaurant was disassembled and moved to Columbia, South Carolina. It was reassembled on top of one of the dorms at University of South Carolina.  I have been to brunch there a few times.  It takes one hour for the restaurant to do a full rotation and I enjoy the continually changing view.

Small world when you think I saw it as a child in Queens, NY and then ending up eating at it in Columbia, SC.

The Annual Budget and Saving Money

Last week it was about helping with car repairs and helping with expenses for a funeral.

This week was about koala's..  A small donation to a friends fundraiser to help out with all the wildlife hurt by the fires in Australia.

I am not sure what next week might be about in my quest for small gestures.

I passed up contributing to the Girl Scouts via their cookie sale.  I can't say that I will be great at sales resistance when they are out in front of Walmart or Publix.

Jenn and I were able to snag really pretty beachy lanterns from Kohls. By waiting for the sales,  piling up the coupons, discounts and Kohl's bucks, we got the lanterns for $5 including free shipping.  Original cost $60.  I LOVE IT !!!! (Oh and it lights up too.)

I finally broke down and used my TD WOW points.  These point accumulate as you get thank you's and WOW's from coworkers.  I ordered a Belk gift card to get some makeup and some wireless ear buds. Didn't cost me a cent!!

This is my new game, see what I can save or buy saving the most money.

When I worked up my annual budget, it was a little unnerving.  I can make the books balance but what I have left over once the bills are paid to cover the vet, gas and groceries is not a huge sum.  I am NOT pleading poverty by any stretch of the imagination.  I just need to be prudent in my decisions.  Think about my purchases and make wise decisions and do some research to make sure I am getting the biggest bang for my buck.

I am now eating what I have in the house which means plenty of food. Instead of replacing what I use for meals right away, I am creating meals out of my pantry.

Since I have a mandatory dining expenditure each year, I divided it by 12 and am using it for meals on the weekends,  it makes it easier than stressing at the end of the year because I still have a big balance left to use or lose.  I have to lay out the money anyway so it makes sense to adjust my shopping budget to get the meals already prepped.

I am not and I repeat buying another book until I make a dent in the ones I already have.  My bookshelf is loaded with books. 

Instead of going to the  movies, I can surely wait to rent a movie I really  want to see.  I just rented "Downton Abbey" over the holidays for $5 instead of going to see it in the movies where I am sure between ticket and popcorn would have cost $15.

I now have a very cool little cooler/fridge on my desk.  It cost $20 and keep my water cold all day.I have a mini crock pot too in which I can heat up soup. This will save $$ on lunches and the boredom of always packing a sandwich.

It's also time to get the Birkenstocks resoled which is cheaper than buying new pairs.

I also went to pick up my inhalers today.  Last year, I couldn't quite squeeze together enough $ for a 3 months supply which would have been about $750.  I ended up buying them monthly for $250 but since I didn't buy them in 90 day supplies it didn't count against my deductible (I really need someone to explain that to me). I had heard that my company was looking to add more medications to their list to cost less. Since this is an inhaler I must use twice a day (two puffs in the morning and two at night) as it is a preventative med and not my emergency inhaler. I had enough money for the three month supply saved up.  I was shocked when I was told the three months would only cost $187.  It is still not cheap but I drove away feeling like I had saved almost $500.

These small steps are making me happy.  They also make me feel in control of my finances.

In 2020, there will be no big vacations.  I may do some small projects around the house but I will plan and make sure to not go overboard and break the bank.

Enjoying small donations, enjoying saving money and being grateful for what I have thats what 2020 is all about.

Hopefully, no more looking like this maybe? With some discipline and saying NO.

See you next week.

After a break....I AM BACK !!!!

Happy 2020 !!

Since I missed two months of entries this one is long so hang in there with me.

Take a combination of a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulder area, the holidays and insanity at work and what do you get?

No blog entries for TWO MONTHS !!!

The pain from the pinched nerve made it very hard to type.

Year end push at work.

The holidays.

Need I say more?

Well, it's time to get back to it.

Let's look back for just a minute at 2019.

No big vacations but I did get to spent 4 wonderful days with my siblings.  ALL of them.  It has been over 7 years since George, Donna, Cheryl and Greg were all in the same place at the same time.  I could not put a price tag on those couple of days. Sharing memories, opinions and a lot of laughs made me realize how much I miss each one of them. I can never let that kind of time pass again without seeing them all together. The realization we all really only lived under the same roof for six years was something that stuck with me (my younger brother was just six when my older brother joined the Marines). I think we all were aware the years go fast and we are not getting any younger so these visits are even more important now.

I traded in my 1989 stove, microwave and dishwasher for 2019 models. Did you know microwaves have turntables?  Did you know dishwashers can operate in silence? And the stove, oh the stove, I have two ovens that cook at different temperatures and one is also a convection over.  I hate to say this but Jenn had to sit me down and explain all the bells and whistles just so I could stop eating cold cans of soup.

And finally, it was farewell to the 2002 and 2007 Ford Escapes.  Our loyal forms of transportation that took us on our 300 mile commute each day.  These vehicles carried so many things especially during the move from Columbia to Beaufort. We traveled to Florida, New York and Missouri (twice).  We covered many of the states on the East Coast and of course the southern states on our way to our family reunions.  They took us to Mom's Memorial Service, graduations, weddings  and funerals.  Those vehicles had good lives and many adventures, Each day started with a prayer to get back and forth from work safely.

We had planned on me getting a new car.  But in one of the most impulsive moments in Donna and Jenn history, we walked out of the showroom with two new cars in what I feel were amazing deals and great negotiating.  Our 2019 Honda CRV's are wonderful.  No more worries about breaking down. More bells and whistles than I can comprehend.  It was an adjustment taking on a car payment but so worth it in the long run.

In 2019, I was finally had six interviews published in a local magazine.  It felt good to see my byline and picture in each issue. And I met some really amazing individuals along the way.

Lastly.  Jenn paid off her student loans!! Ten years.  120 payments. Undergraduate BA and Masters Degree PAID IN FULL!!

No resolutions for 2020.  New terms I am using: goals, journey and accomplishments.  These have a more positive twist.

Here are some of my goals, things I will attempt to accomplish and what I am making part of my 2020 journey.

First, give more to others. 

This morning I wrote two checks.  One for a young man who works here on island to help with his car repair bills or to buy a more reliable form of transportation. The other was for a lady who also works on the island whose son was killed last week.  The check was to help with all the unexpected expenses.  The place I live in is incredibly generous in helping others.  This is the first time I have written checks such as these.  They were not huge amounts but I put myself in those peoples shoes and thought how grateful I would be for any assistance. This is what I mean by wanting to give more to others, pay it forward and realize that I might not make the biggest donation but I am doing my part.

Second, keep my LIFE/work balance in check. 

While 95% of the time, I like my job and am good at it, I need to practice what I preach to my team, my life is the priority.  My life outside of work must be more important than anything else.  I have less tomorrows then yesterdays so I need to make them count. I plan to spend time laughing more, writing more, giving more time to friends/family because as the days fly by faster and faster those things matter more than anything else.

Next, I am going to try am complete a reading challenge (OK having all those hours in the car will help me meet my goal). If I can (but will not feel guilty if I don't), I will be reading 26 books this year.  Honestly, if I read 13 I will feel a sense of accomplishment.

Jenn gave me a book for how to exercise at my desk and some weights to use.  While my hip might ache, I now can work out in my chair either at home or in the office.  WIN !!

Lastly, the usual things: healthy eating which will hopefully lead to losing some pounds.  Maybe another result will be less pain in the knees and hips.  While I will  never get over my fear of falling, I must not let it control my life.  I have to continue to go out even as my knees shake and my heart races.  My world cannot get smaller ever.

Oh and I still want to be an extra in a Hallmark move (yes, Cindy I still have my rough draft of my original article which I will get to you sometime in the near future :-) ).

And I want to find one of those Hallmark towns to go to on a vacation.  Who wants to join me ? OK I know some of you out there want to go.  Don't be afraid to admit it.

Epilogue:

#1. I have learned this year that people are kind and care about me.  I am no longer afraid to ask for help such as an arm to get up a high curb or walk a long distance (yes, all about the fear of falling).  While I wheel around the office to see my team or push a chair with my laptop bag, lunch bag and pocketbook to my office, I finally have an "it is what it is attitude" and don't let my "what are others thinking" thoughts stop me.

#2. I have broken a bad habit.  Years ago, I made choice to sleep in my recliner for a variety of reasons (marriage ending and hip hurting). Five years later, I was still sleeping in the recliner.  The good side of the pinched nerve is it forced me back into my bed.  OMG how wonderful it feels!  I get 5-6 hour stretches of sleep.  I do have to sleep on my back as my hips start to hurt leaning on them but who cares ?? I AM BACK SLEEPING IN MY BED !!! I also love that I can watch TV on my IPAD in bed while falling asleep.

#3. I am not letting Christmas go away completely.  I am leaving my three foot tree up and decorated for the holidays again this year on my porch.  This week,  I am adding a beachy tree to my porch that will stay up all year.  It is sand in color with shells, starfish along with blue and champagne ornaments topped with a star.  Each room will have some reminder of the holidays past and those yet to come.  Mom's Christmas angels grace the mantel of my fireplace, the ceramic tree that I use as a nightlight in my bedroom and on a shelf in my kitchen two small ceramic trees with a red tuck with a tree in the back will stay out all year.


Oh just one more thing, I promise.   I have been writing this blog for TEN YEARS now.  I look back at some of the old entries and see how my life has changed taking twists and turns I couldn't have envisioned.  Divorce. Moving from Columbia to Beaufort (how I love the Lowcountry). Losing some people I really cared about during that time, Mom and Dan in particular. 

As I cross the bridge each night out of Beaufort on the road that leads me home I feel so damn lucky to have ended up where I am.

I am not even going to guess where the next ten years will lead me. I am looking forward to the journey and the adventure.  I hope you will come along with me.
.

See you next week.  Promise.

Just a few dollars of happiness

If I hit the lottery, of course it would change my life.

No debts, make a sizable donation to a charity or charities, share with family and friends.

That is what I would do.

Realistically, I won't hit the lottery since I rarely play.

I have a hard time parting with a buck.

I have found spending a few dollars or sometimes spending nothing at all can still make me smile.

This week I was the recipient of two green brooms that cost 50 cents each.  After Halloween sales.

Since I have often joked about arriving at my office on a broomstick, why not have two glittery brooms hanging on either side of my desk?  And they can stay up through the holidays since they are green.

A string of lights that are also a phone charger on my desk. Cost $10

A small ornament size light up ceramic Christmas tree from Walmart.  Cost $8.00.

A small 1955 pick up truck to go with the ceramic tree. Cost $6.50

Three small trees to go in the pickup truck. Cost 1.50

Watching a very good college football game on a fall afternoon with the fireplace going in the background.  Cost $0  (the wood was leftover from last year)

My family from Florida, New York sent me great pictures of the Rockefeller Center tree being cut down just a few streets away from their home. Monetary cost zero but it took time for them to take those pictures for me.

Grand total $27.00 for a season's worth of happiness and memories.

Actually, it's priceless.

See you next week.

Facing Fears or Making My World Smaller

"But the truth is, even when our brain convinces us we're lost--if we try hard enough, our bodies always remind us there's a way back--prepares us for whatever fight lies ahead."  Grey's Anatomy

Please do not read this and think, the girl has lost her mind. I have not. I am just sharing with you what I feel that you may not see.

I am sure I am not unique in having or facing fears.

Don't we all have things we fear?

As I get older, my fears increase.

Not that I was one who was ever viewed as brave.

Indecisive definitely.

There are things I used to love that now I am fearful of such as amusement park rides.  It used to be the scarier the better.  I used to be excited about airports.  I still love to fly but the traveling within the terminals pushes me over the edge.  I want to go to Italy but the walking and the stairs scare the crap out of me.  Maybe I need to see Tuscany and Rome from a van or a bus if possible?

Here is my murders row of fears:

1. The fear of falling.

It is overwhelming.

A broken arm one time and 20+ stitches in the face on another occasion have led me to walk slowly.

Very slowly. Cautiously.

Walking like I am 90 years old.

Always looking down.

It's not that I don't want to make eye contact with people.

I don't want to fall.

2. The fear of crowds.

Walking in crowds never used to bother me.

Now, I walk in a crowd and I feel like I am back on a crowded subway.

No room to breathe.

People invading my space.

I feel like I should have a few feet perimeter around me that no one can invade.

That might be the reason I don't give or accept hugs easily.

3.  The fear of unfamiliar places.

Once I know the lay of the land, I am not fearful.

When I know I am going someplace new, I will look at it online.  I will try to look at the parking and where I might have to walk and how far.

Even after all this pre-work, as I walk in a new place, my heart races and inside I am a bunch of nerves.

Once I am settled in, my heart rate goes back to normal and I am at ease.

Until I have to leave and walk the same route I did on the way in.

I ask for rooms near elevators, preferably on low floors.

I ask for walk in showers.

And biggest change of all is I ask for help when needed. If a curb is too high or stairs have no railing or ground is unlevel, I will ask for an arm.  I would rather ask for help while standing vertical than laying horizontal.

4. Fear of letting the fears consume me or force me to make changes in my life.

If I allow these fears and others to control my life, I lose.

I continue to push myself. Not without some trepidation. I cannot allow my fears to make my world smaller.  If I allow that to happen, I will disappear.

Please continue to ask me to do things.  Understand if I say no it could be for a variety of reasons: I am tired, I am being lazy, I am enjoying my time off from work or I just don't want to do what someone else wants to do.

If I do agree to do something, please bear with my nerves, maybe a few tears or my constant chattering to cover up for my nervousness.

I am at a point in my life where my world needs to grow not shrink.

The easiest option would to be to hang out in my recliner and watch the world go by.

I am not taking the easy route.

I ask that you understand me, help me and put up with me.

What I am planning to do to help deal with my fears, good question.

Walking more even if just the shortest of distances will help build my confidence. I still might need an arm to help me though so bear with me.

Getting back on the healthy eating track. This is very hard with my work schedule, commute and small amount of time at home.  I get bored and tired of eating the same food. I WILL figure it out.

Continue to dream.  Without dreams what do we have?

Write.  This is the one craft where I can do anything, be anything, make it all up in my head and change it at will. I am the boss of my creative writing.

I am also going to try hard to not focus on what I have lost but on what I have gained from people I have loved.

I am going to wake each day thankful for the sunrise and with gratitude enjoy the sunsets.

And I will pray for strength, help and confidence.

Amen.

See you next week.

Autumn in New York vs South Carolina

New York.

Sweater weather.

Leaves crunching under your feet.

The range of leaf colors, orange to gold to red.

Fireplaces burning.

Apple picking.

The smell when you turn on the heat for the first time in months.

Everything pumpkin.

Football, the pro’s.


South Carolina.

Flip flops.

Summer clothes.

Outdoor pool is still open into November (and the water is heated for those southern chilly mornings).

Leaves a paler green, finally turning some other colors but usually not as vibrant as up north.

Apple picking.

Through Thanksgivings of going back and forth between central air and beginning to turn on the heat,

Complaining it is cold when the temp is in the 50’s - 60’s.

Pumpkin everything.

Football, college first then the pro’s.

Serious tailgating.

Leaves ready to be raked right around the time the Christmas tree goes up ( which tends to be Thanksgiving night or the day after turkey day).

Each location has its charm.

I do miss the true division of the seasons but never putting away flip flops for long is part of the trade off.

I do get to use my wood burning fireplace. I do get to wear sweaters. I do put a pumpkin by my front door.

And as the days get shorter, I do hate commuting home in the dark.  Why is it that getting home at 7:30 in the dark seems so much later than getting home at 7:30 while it’s still light out?

With the passing of each day, I get closer to my favorite day of the year. Hallmark will start showing Christmas movies 24/7 on October 25th.

I know, I know there are those of you who do not share my love or obsession regarding Christmas.

Yesterday, Jenn found an ornament she knew I would like.  I didn’t have the heart to put it away.  It found a home next to the ceramic Christmas tree that I leave out all year as a nightlight/decoration.

I have made it a tradition to leave out a few Christmas items (ornaments or some other little items) just as a reminder to me that my favorite day and night will return again.

Meanwhile, enjoy the autumn season no matter where you live.

See you next week.