Looking to the week ahead

Here I sit, Sunday afternoon.

Dreading Sundays because Monday is not far away.

Not really much to write about.

Met with my editor yesterday. 

Good meeting. 

New thoughts, suggestions and additions to what I have already done with my homework assignments.

Working from home on Monday.

Tuesday through Thursday staying in Columbia. 

Appointment to get my hair done Tuesday after work. Wayne can work his magic with color and cut!

Wednesday night cut throat Phase 10 game maybe?
/
Friday, last day at work until 8/13.

After work Friday, eye brows and face waxing.

Then STAYCATION !!!!

9 glorious days of no commuting or work.

Writer's seminar in Hilton Head Saturday.

After that here are my plans,

Sleep late.

Watch TV late.

Read.

Pool.

Write, write, write.  That's for you Cindy.

I hope this week goes slow because once my vacation starts the time will fly.

I so need the time off.

I so need the break.

I so need to not have to rise at 5:00AM. 

I so need to just have time to sit on the porch and just think. 

I so need to not have to worry about work emails.

I so need to not have to run in the house, make lunch, take a shower, eat dinner and go to bed and get at least 6 hours sleep.

I so need.

This will be my first break of the year with a weekend on either side of Monday and Friday,

This will be my first break not around the holidays where I spend my days running around.

This will be my first break for more than a few days, since all that has happened in the last few months.

I shouldn't be sitting here worrying about how fast the next two weeks will go.

I shouldn't be sitting here worrying about how short lifer is.

I shouldn't be sitting here wishing my life away from vacation to vacation.

Maybe the break will help be find my joy and happiness again.

Maybe the break will help me to focus on what is important in life.

Maybe the break will help me start to move ahead.

Maybe the break will help.

See you next week!

Just Call Me Procrastinator Maybe??

I can plan and plan and plan. Once I have the plans set then nothing.

I will think in January of something I think someone would like for Christmas.  When do I actually make the purchase?  After Thanksgiving.

I have talked about going to Italy for years.  How far have those plans gotten?  A couple of books about Italy.

I think about food shopping for the week on Thursday. Here I sit Sunday morning.  Have I made it to  Publix? Nope.

Saturday, I had planned to accomplish a few things.  What did I accomplish?  Nothing.  I was so worn out from the week.  I talked on the phone, napped and watched Hallmark Christmas movies.

Yet when it comes to deadlines at work I am on it.

Deadlines for reports or responses to specific deadlines are entered onto my Outlook calendar immediately.  Many are handled right away to avoid emails reminding me a deadline is near.

Quarterly compliance classes are completed in short order.  I also block out time for my team to complete their classes long before the deadline so I can delete the reminders from my calendar.

Am I a living breathing Oxymoron?

Definition of the word Oxymoron: two words or a compound word with contradictory definitions.

Procrastinator vs. Proactive?

Life can also lead us to delay, put off or procrastinate from tasks we need to complete.

Perfect example is why I am sitting at my laptop since early this morning?  I was given an assignment by my Editor two weeks ago.

I have thought about it.

I have written bullet points.

I have thought about it.

I wrote a few paragraphs.

I have thought about it.

I let other things fills my time.  Hallmark Christmas movies?

I will allow myself the fact that I am too tired to write when I get home each night.  What about the weekends?  True, I am exhausted.  But if I want my dream to turn into reality I have to push through the weariness.

And now when I should be working on my book, I am writing my blog.  I have also already paid my bills, cleaned out old coupons, sorted papers that need to go in the shredder, had three phone conversations and have started thinking about what I need to get from the supermarket. Also on my list for today is a trip to the landfill, get gas in my car and get ready for the next work week. I didn't mention the time I spent looking for my "dragon speak" to talk and have my words show up in written form on Microsoft Word

Talk about procrastinating.

Well, at least I can cross my weekly blog entry off my list for the day.

And now Jenn has offered to go get the groceries, gas and make the trip to the landfill so I can write.

Alright, I will just finish the cup of coffee Jenn made me.  Maybe I will take a quick shower?

Then no more delays, it is time to work on my writing assignments.  I need to get it done today so I can ship it off to Cindy by tomorrow or Tuesday or Wednesday.

Ready, set, go.

Well, maybe I just need to make another cup of coffee and then I can get started.

See you next week.

Trying To Take Control of My Life Again

When I look back on the past year my head spins.

Have you ever seen one of those lists that shows the life events that add stress to your life?

I have had several events that made the list in the last 12 months:

Selling a house

Moving

Divorce

Reorganization and new computer systems at work

Long commute to work (really long)

Loss of someone close to me

All these changes have caused me to lose focus on the things I was trying to do to help me.

Relocating took me away from my Sunday Weight Watchers group.  The meeting closest to me is on Friday's at 9:45.  I have only been there a few times when I was home on a Friday. I am hoping once the commuting stops, I can catch those meetings on a regular basis.

I also miss going to the gym.  I have a gym, indoor and outdoor pool nearby now.  I need the time to use them.  I was in the pool yesterday for over an hour and it felt great.  Legs and arms moving without pain and burning calories.

This is the best time of year for fresh fruits and veggies. I need to get on to healthy cooking ALL the time vs sporadically.

These items back on my radar and will start to become a part of my life like they once were.

This isn't about any one event from the list above it is about all of them.  They have been emotional, exhausting and caused my physical pain.

I now need to slowly climb out from under the pile of challenges/changes.

For example, my job/career is important but instead of the words work/life balance, I now say life/work balance.

Is anything I don't get to going to matter in 10 years? Probably not.

Is the stress I am creating for myself hurting me? Possibly.

By taking back control of my life am I helping me? YES.

Some of the items on the life event list have been checked off and completed.  Nothing else to be done.  The sale of the house, the move and the unpacking (for the most part) are behind me.

The job challenges will settle down (eventually).

The commuting will end (I pray about it daily),

While the formalities of the divorce are over, I have to be honest and say there are still some emotional parts to be dealt with.

And the recent loss in my life, it will take much more time and thought to come to terms and acceptance.

But as I keep saying, baby steps is all I can do right now and that is better than standing still.


See you next week.

Struggling to find the 5 good things about a day

For about 10 years, every evening  I have written in a journal 5 good things about the day. Days when I am really tired, I will write the 5 things about the previous day early the next morning.

For the first time since I started this daily exercise, I have not done a daily list in two weeks.

I have been struggling to find good things no matter how small to celebrate.

I have been going through the motions of life.  Work, eat, talk on the phone, read, watch TV, shower and I have been doing it all on autopilot. Rote routines that require no thought.

I had a long weekend which I was looking forward to so I could sleep.  Not much more just sleep.

Friday, fortunately I did have an appointment which I knew I should not cancel. It was with my developmental editor to go over what I had submitted to her last week.

I forced myself from the safety of the cocoon I was creating for myself.  My recliner in the living room had become my comfort zone.  I could sit there and be sad or feel numb or process my thoughts.  The problem is it is too easy to stay there in my blanket and not move ahead.

When I woke up Friday, I thought I am going to cancel and just stay put in my recliner.

Then I thought, I know someone who would have been mad if I didn't go to see Cindy and move ahead with my dream of making my book a reality.  I mean I had been talking about it for so long.

My nerves were shaky once again as I made the trip to the meeting.  Once there as is usual for me, I was able to open up about what had been going on for two weeks  and discuss my project.

I received some great feedback, direction and topics to focus on that may make the cut in my book. Ideas to get my brain functioning again as the rest of me catches up.

I was also given the opportunity to do some interviews for Pink Magazine which would give me more exposure to the writing process to which I said YES right away.  This may lead to a feature writing position down the road for the monthly magazine.  I always thought of myself as an Erma Bombeck kind of columnist, so who knows what will happen.  It will be nice to see my name as a byline considering I took my first journalism class many years ago as a college freshman.

After the meeting, there were errands to be run and before I knew it I was pulling in the driveway at 6:00PM.

I thought about my 5 things list.  Although I had some wonderful things happen during the day, I still wasn't mentally ready to resume the process.

Saturday, DeAnna came down to visit for the day.  DeAnna was  the mentor assigned to me 20 years ago on my first day at Wachovia and we had been best buddies ever since. I was so happy that  Kathy joined us and rounded out the foursome for a trip to the pool near my house.

I had no idea of the layout of the pool and my nerves once again took over. I pushed the butterflies aside and walked into the pool area.  The view was lovely, plenty of tables under umbrellas and the very best was it was a walking in pool like walking into the ocean in the sand.  I had the option to not use stairs which made getting in the pool so much nicer and less noticeable.  We hung out in the pool, had lunch and drinks at our table and left because we would see a big storm brewing nearby.

Having time with Kathy and DeAnna was great and was a big help to me.  Also, getting home to sit in the screened in porch during a thunderstorm and the downpours that followed felt good.

I fell asleep in a recliner not in the living room but in my bedroom.  It was the first time I slept a whole night in my bedroom in a few weeks which was another big step in moving forward.

I haven't yet but I will write a list about 5 good things about yesterday.  I am very, very slowly moving forward.  Very slowly which is OK.

Today, it was a pedicure, getting the car washed, picking up a wrap to eat for dinner and some low fat frozen yogurt to eat as a treat later and writing this entry and tackling some of my writing assignments that will make my list tonight.

And that makes two days of 5 good things to put on my list!

My brain still hasn't accepted the loss and neither has my heart.  There are moments of sadness and moments of good memories.  Eventually I will find the balance and embrace all that I had and look back with gratitude and happiness.

Until that time, I draw or lean on my friends,  Some have lost so much more than I in these recent weeks and in some ways I hope I am helping them and not holding them back.

It's all about time and healing and the process of moving on.

For now it will be baby steps for me until I can walk again.  I won't run that's for sure but then again I have never been a runner.

See you next week.

PS, Please note this entry was done without any "......"'s.  I have been forbidden from using ellipsis is my writing.  As I was told (and I can't remember who to give the credit to) by Cindy (my editor), "if a sentence is over put a period on it, if it is not over keep writing".

So say goodbye to ........ I will miss them but how many book have you seen them  used in over and over again. End of sentence.

The Joys and Sadness of Life

I haven't written an entry since June 10th....

The joy.....

From June 13th through the 17th, we spent 5 days at the Isle of Palms sharing a house with our Colorado cousins.

The days were long and fun filled.

I was up early to have coffee with the early risers and tried to hang in with the night owls.

I would fall asleep in an wonderful leather recliner.  One problem though....with my knee and hip aches it was not easy to get out of.....just a little too low.  I had to wait for an early riser to come by grab my hand and get me out of that comfy spot.  I would pray someone would rise soon so I could get to the bathroom...lol.  I am sure I could have figured out some way to get up but it was easier to grab a hand to stand up.

The days were spent in Charleston and at the beach.  I passed on both.  I have been to Charleston in the heat of a June day and I wilt in the heat.  I also passed on the beach in order to spend time working on the first real draft of my book.  The house was peaceful for a few hours and provided the quiet and solitude I needed to get myself started.

The meals each night were amazing and reflected a different part of our family background and experiences.

After dinner, it was out to the screened in porch for games and conversations where people would talk over each other ....it was loud but somehow we were able to jump from one conversation to the next.

There is something about spending days with family.  It provides time to have extended conversations on a variety of topics and not feel rushed. We went from laughter to tears and any range of emotion in between.....

As with all vacations, it came to an end too quickly.  I know we will see each other again in a few years and I am looking forward to it.

Thank you Cousins for coming to the East Coast!! Next time you head this way...we will make sure it is not in the summer.  Flip flops in December through February....how does that sound??

The Sadness......

I am not yet able to put into words all that has gone on in the last 10 days.  It may take a long time before I can put all that transpired into perspective.

For now, all I can say is we lost someone incredibly special in  our lives.  Someone who mentored, prodded us for our own good and was an example of the kind of person we all should strive to be.

The suddenness of his passing has been shocking, painful and terribly sad.

The gathering of family and friends was filled with laughter and tears....stories were shared all with the same thread throughout them......memories from the various stages of his life.... from Little League to his time volunteering with the Sea Rescue Team from Fripp Island.

A life well lived was celebrated. We all feel the loss of a husband, father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle, cousin and friend.

Until the time when the words come easier, all I can say is I was so lucky to have this person as a part of my life for all of these years.

One day, I will have the ability to write about all of this in more detail but for now the words of a person who I didn't agree with politically seem to fit my thoughts......

"We will laugh again but be young no more" Daniel Patrick Moynihan

And the words I said at my Mom's memorial service......

I stood watching as the little ship sailed out to sea.
The setting sun tinted in its white sails with the golden light as it disappeared from view.
A voice at my side whispered "He is gone"
But the sea was a narrow one and on a further shore a little band of friends had gathered to watch in happy expectation.
Suddenly, they caught sight of the tiny sail and at the very moment when my companions had whispered "He is gone".....a glad shout went up in joyous welcome with the words...."Yeah!! Here he comes!!!!!"

Jenn and I join with all of his family and friends and will miss him every day.

Goodbye Dan and thank you for everything.......until we meet again.


See you next week....