Struggling to find the 5 good things about a day

For about 10 years, every evening  I have written in a journal 5 good things about the day. Days when I am really tired, I will write the 5 things about the previous day early the next morning.

For the first time since I started this daily exercise, I have not done a daily list in two weeks.

I have been struggling to find good things no matter how small to celebrate.

I have been going through the motions of life.  Work, eat, talk on the phone, read, watch TV, shower and I have been doing it all on autopilot. Rote routines that require no thought.

I had a long weekend which I was looking forward to so I could sleep.  Not much more just sleep.

Friday, fortunately I did have an appointment which I knew I should not cancel. It was with my developmental editor to go over what I had submitted to her last week.

I forced myself from the safety of the cocoon I was creating for myself.  My recliner in the living room had become my comfort zone.  I could sit there and be sad or feel numb or process my thoughts.  The problem is it is too easy to stay there in my blanket and not move ahead.

When I woke up Friday, I thought I am going to cancel and just stay put in my recliner.

Then I thought, I know someone who would have been mad if I didn't go to see Cindy and move ahead with my dream of making my book a reality.  I mean I had been talking about it for so long.

My nerves were shaky once again as I made the trip to the meeting.  Once there as is usual for me, I was able to open up about what had been going on for two weeks  and discuss my project.

I received some great feedback, direction and topics to focus on that may make the cut in my book. Ideas to get my brain functioning again as the rest of me catches up.

I was also given the opportunity to do some interviews for Pink Magazine which would give me more exposure to the writing process to which I said YES right away.  This may lead to a feature writing position down the road for the monthly magazine.  I always thought of myself as an Erma Bombeck kind of columnist, so who knows what will happen.  It will be nice to see my name as a byline considering I took my first journalism class many years ago as a college freshman.

After the meeting, there were errands to be run and before I knew it I was pulling in the driveway at 6:00PM.

I thought about my 5 things list.  Although I had some wonderful things happen during the day, I still wasn't mentally ready to resume the process.

Saturday, DeAnna came down to visit for the day.  DeAnna was  the mentor assigned to me 20 years ago on my first day at Wachovia and we had been best buddies ever since. I was so happy that  Kathy joined us and rounded out the foursome for a trip to the pool near my house.

I had no idea of the layout of the pool and my nerves once again took over. I pushed the butterflies aside and walked into the pool area.  The view was lovely, plenty of tables under umbrellas and the very best was it was a walking in pool like walking into the ocean in the sand.  I had the option to not use stairs which made getting in the pool so much nicer and less noticeable.  We hung out in the pool, had lunch and drinks at our table and left because we would see a big storm brewing nearby.

Having time with Kathy and DeAnna was great and was a big help to me.  Also, getting home to sit in the screened in porch during a thunderstorm and the downpours that followed felt good.

I fell asleep in a recliner not in the living room but in my bedroom.  It was the first time I slept a whole night in my bedroom in a few weeks which was another big step in moving forward.

I haven't yet but I will write a list about 5 good things about yesterday.  I am very, very slowly moving forward.  Very slowly which is OK.

Today, it was a pedicure, getting the car washed, picking up a wrap to eat for dinner and some low fat frozen yogurt to eat as a treat later and writing this entry and tackling some of my writing assignments that will make my list tonight.

And that makes two days of 5 good things to put on my list!

My brain still hasn't accepted the loss and neither has my heart.  There are moments of sadness and moments of good memories.  Eventually I will find the balance and embrace all that I had and look back with gratitude and happiness.

Until that time, I draw or lean on my friends,  Some have lost so much more than I in these recent weeks and in some ways I hope I am helping them and not holding them back.

It's all about time and healing and the process of moving on.

For now it will be baby steps for me until I can walk again.  I won't run that's for sure but then again I have never been a runner.

See you next week.

PS, Please note this entry was done without any "......"'s.  I have been forbidden from using ellipsis is my writing.  As I was told (and I can't remember who to give the credit to) by Cindy (my editor), "if a sentence is over put a period on it, if it is not over keep writing".

So say goodbye to ........ I will miss them but how many book have you seen them  used in over and over again. End of sentence.