Looking Backward and Forward.....

OK....losing Mom on the first day of 2012 was not making the year look very promising but surprisingly there were some good moments.

February- Greg and Terry came to visit.  We spent Super Bowl Sunday together with Cheryl's family watching the Giants beat the Patriots.

April- Mom's Memorial Service.  It was great to see so many people come out to remember Mom and to spend the week-end together.

May- Jenn and I spent a week-end at the beach.

July- My first real vacation in years.  Barbados with family.  Beautiful beach, pool and free drinks!!!

August- My first attempt at painting....LOL.  OK art is not part of my future as a hobby!!!

September- I was a finalist in the TD Dessert Contest.  I did a whirlwind trip to Philadelphia for the contest and came in 3rd.

Jenn and I took our CWP class and passed.  (Concealed Weapons Class)

October- December went by in a flash.

December- did a quick road trip to Florida to spend Christmas with part of the family.

and here we are New Year's day 2013.

What is coming up this yeay?

Heading to Missouri in July for a family reunion with Mom's family......can't wait!!!!

Hopefully, getting together with my cousin's Debbie and Karen in a location to be decided later.....hint, hint Karen....LOL.

And yes I have the usual goals of getting healthier, losing weight and exercising more.  More time with family and friends.  Laughing more and crying less (the crying part is hard since I cry when I am happy, sad, angry, frustrated or laughing.....see what I mean??).  Do my job and do it well but not make it my life.  I have to remember I have a life outside of my job.  I am going to try and remedy this by going to work earlier each day so I am not still at my desk late at night.  I must get back on my routine at the gym....4 days a week minimum!!!   I have been faithful to my writing but have not yet figured out the being published part.....something I need to work on.  I have been able to read more....thank you Kindle and IPad.  I am starting to learn things can be fixed instead of ignoring them ....example.....for years the cold water has run slow into the washing machine which made doing laundry a drag.  Well guess what.....the washing had to be repaired and the repairman also fixed the slow running cold water. I need to focus on healthy meals......right now I am soaking beans for a bean soup....very healthy loaded with protein and fiber.  One of my Christmas presents was a salad organizer for work.....I will.... yes..... I will be making my lunches at night instead of waiting until the morning which slows me up from getting to work early.  I also got a small crock that I can use to heat up my lunches which gives me more options like bringing soup to work.    I will try to appreciate the small things, take time to smell the roses and not pass up opportunities to do things out of fear. 

I hope when 2013 ends I can tell you some things I have accomplished.  No, I won't be climbing any mountains or bungee jumping.  But if I can end the year telling you about some new adventures out of my comfort zone that will make for a successful year.

Thank you for continuing to read my entries and giving me feedback.......it means so much to me.

Happy New Year......may it been one filled with the good things in life for all of you!!!!!

The Best Gift of Christmas........

I know it sounds crazy but I recieved a Christmas present Wednesday night in the mail that tops anything I could or have ever gotten for Christmas.  Yes, I love getting gifts......call me shallow.  Whether it be a new pocketbook or an Amazon gift card.......I love them all.  BUT last week I got a gift to top all gifts.......

What is this special gift you may be asking........

it's a pillow.

Why on earth would a pillow be so special????

The material was found in my Mom's apartment when they were cleaning her things out after she passed away last New Year's Day.  My sister-in-law took the material and hoped to do something special with it.  I am not sure what Mom had planned to do with the material.  My sister is pretty sure she was going to make something for her three greatgrandaughters......what a wonderful thought!!!!

My sister-in-law, Terry, gave the material to her Mom.  Terry's Mom, Jeannie,  made 4 beautiful pillows (one for each of my Mom's four children).  She hand stitched and quilted the material into a beautiful pattern blending the 2 different materials.  The finished product is beautiful.

When I saw the pillow and read the note my brother wrote with it.......I was reduced to tears.....not just a few tears but a major cry fest......I couldn't stop.  I held the pillow, touched it like it was made of the finest hand spun silk and kept running my hand over it.  I wrapped my arms around it and put my head down on it.  I smelled it hoping for a hint of Mom's perfume but sadly there wasn't any. 

I see Mom as I watch Jenn in the kitchen making chocolate chips.  I see Mom in the ornament my sister gave me last year that was from Mom and Dad's tree.  I see Mom in the bow I tried to tie on the wreath on my front door.....trying to copy the way she did it for my front door wreath just 2 short years ago.  I see her all over the place and in my heart......just not here in my home like she was a short time ago.

But now I have a pillow........bits of material lovingly sewn together.

No doubt the best gift of Christmas........a part of Mom. 

The Way Things Are Supposed To Be

I have written quite a few entries about my Mom during the last year.  I have talked about what I had learned from her, the kind of person she was and how I feel about her no longer being here for me to talk to or hug or go to for advice.  But this is the way it should be.........children bury their parents. 

What happened at that elementary school yesterday.......so against the natural order of things.  Children should be safe at school, teachers should not have to hide their students from a shooter and most of all.......parents should not have to bury their children.  Cheryl and Mike lost Maria to a terrible disease.  They had no control over the ultimate outcome.  They did all they could for her.  They were with her when she passed.  The parents of those young children had no idea that when they said goodbye to their children yesterday morning it would be for the last time.  Like most of you the news devastated me.  So young with so much in their future.  You wonder how could this have happened........why would God allow it?? But strangely next you find yourself praying to God.....for the children, for the parents and for us.  If watching the news has brought me to tears and I do not know any of the victims personally there is no way I can even begin to fathom the pain those parents are experiencing. 

The pain I have felt these past 11 months since Mom left us is justifiable but is they way life is supposed to be.  Did I want more time with her? Yes.  Do I miss her everyday? Yes.  Do I wish for one more phone call or conversation with her? Yes.  Am I looking at a life of unfulfilled dreams? No.  Mom had a good life and lived 75 years.  But those children.......so much that was yet to come for them........

The Christmas lights I so enjoyed just a few days ago have gotten dimmer.  We have not turned on our outside Christmas lights the last few nights in silent tribute to those lost lives. 

I have friends who are teachers.  I have always known their jobs are more than the hours in the classroom.  Their jobs are not just the long summers off.  They have an impact in the life of each child that enters their classroom.  Yesterday, they showed us they were hero's who put their students lives ahead of theirs........

Missing Mom....yes but it is me being selfish that I wanted more time with her.  But I don't look at her life thinking I wish she had gotten to.......

Those parents.......they have so many never get to's.........

Those teachers.........unselfish and brave........

While the lights of Christmas may seem a little dimmer now........the stars in the sky are somehow much brighter............with 26 new stars.......

So Mom Was Right About Some Things......

More and more I am finding out some of the things my Mom told me were right....LOL....what a surprise.....

For years I have been the queen of ironing.  Mom would say just set the buzzer on the dryer and if you take out your clothes right away you won't have to iron them.  Did I listen....no.  Not until this year......now I do put the buzzer on and guess what???? I have so much less to iron on Sunday's.

Mom would tell me to shop at the Dollar stores for shampoo, cleaning supplies and other items.  I didn't listen and kept going to Walmart and Publix.  A few weeks ago I decided to go to Family Dollar store.  What an eye opening experience!!!! I can't believe the great prices, they took my coupons and I got $5 off a purchase of $25.  OK I am hooked......and Mom was right!!!! LOL !!!!

Mom said the happiest times of her life with Dad was when they didn't have a lot.  She said she loved when it was special to go out to dinner. Later in life they went out to dinner every Saturday night.  Mom said she loved the "hungry years".  I honestly feel I haven't lost the ability to be grateful for what I have and  I do appreciate the small things......like a working washing machine.

Pray....she didn't tell me how to pray......she knew I had moved away from the formal religion thing BUT I do pray each night to give thanks for the day I had.  I also pray in the morning to give thanks for waking up to another day.  I also pray on the way to work that the day will go well and I will handle things the best I can.

Try to help others when you can.  We adopted 2 families for Christmas this year.  I said a few weeks ago I have everything I need but like everyone else there are always other things that you wouldn't mind having.  Jenn and I shopped and shopped yesterday for the two families.  We had fun and loved the gifts we chose.  I can picture the children waking up Christmas morning to the items we selected.  Good advice from Mom.

Two years ago this week, Mom came here for her last visit to my house.  She cooked and sewed.  Went to a Christmas show and drove through a great light display.  She baked cookies.  And we talked and talked and talked.  She survived my house being flooded and a car jacking victim being dumped in my cul-de-sac.  And due to a winter storm up north we were lucky enough to have her some additional time.  In fact, on New Years Day my sisters family brought Mom from their house to mine for the day.  We had the traditional southern New Year's dishes,  pork, collards, black eyed peas and cornbread.  I guess it was a blessing that I didn't know our time together was running out.  If I had known by the next New Year's Day she would be gone I couldn't have let her go........

I will admit I have been really struggling these last few weeks without her.  I will text a  friend now and then and say how much I miss her.  All  of my friends have responded with kindness and compassion.  I fight the sadness each day but sometimes I wish I could just climb into bed and pull the covers over my head and not get out of bed until January 2nd.  I know that is not realistic but that's the way I feel.  When I was out shopping last weekend with Jenn I saw a daughter about my age pull up in a parking spot with her Mom (about Mom's age) I was green with envy.  I wanted to run over and say to the daughter appreciate every second you have together.  Then I saw another older lady walk by and I said to Jenn"Why didn't Nannie get to live to be that old?" and I burst into tears.  I know she would not want me to be so sad but there is a giant hole in my heart,  I know in time it will heal and the next few weeks will be the hardest part of the year to get through.....just three more weeks of holidays.  I can do it........and I will try to find some joy along the way......the joy may come partly from the memories of holidays past with Mom and Dad ........

I know how lucky I was to grow up in a house where Christmas was filled with a magic some people never get to experience.......and it is the memories of those times that will keep me warm and get me though the next few weeks........

From Sunday to Saturday ......a week full of ups and downs

Last week had it's ups and it's downs......downs that were not all bad. 

Sunday......
I had a chance to really look at all the birthday wishes and text's I received.  Facebook has connected me with so many people from relatives that live across the country to people who were in my class at P.S. 71 in the 60's.  And the Iphone I didn't think I would like.....I Love!!!  Getting text's from friends.....so much fun!!  We put up the tree and it looks great!!!  We watched the Giants win so it was a good football week-end for us!!

Monday......
Back to work after a long week-end....ugh!! Add month end to it.......double ugh!!! Long days....walking into the office at 8:30 and on a good day walking out less then 12 hours later.  It is the nature of the mortgage business.  Month end and Hurricane Sandy has made my world just that much more interesting.  My team covers New York and so many of my teams customers/loans were impacted by the Hurricane.  Thank goodness I love my job!!!

Wednesday.......
Each year we hang a small tote bag my friend made me in the kitchen.  We put the Christmas cards in it as the arrive.  When I picked up the bag there were some old cards in it.  I pulled them out of the bag and went through them.  You guessed it.......one was from Mom.  She wrote about the joy of the season and the wonderful memories of Christmas past including ones with my Dad (who I think was the King of Christmas).  The lump in my throat was the size of a grapefruit.  I tried not to cry as I touched the words she had written just 12 short months ago.   (Those are the hard times........the moments you don't prepare for and don't see coming).

Thursday..........
6 month Dr. visit to check my blood pressure.  I was actually going to avoid the visit because I was afraid of how high it might be.  OK a little more telling on myself.......something I haven't talked about before.......please do not think I am crazy........several years ago I wasn't feeling great.....headaches....run down.......but avoiding going to the doctor.....finally one night I woke up in the middle of the night and hear this booming voice in my room say"Go to the Dr. today!!".....so I went.......my blood pressure was 212/114......my Dr. told me I could have had a stroke on the spot......he put me on blood pressure med's immediately.  Since then I go every 6 months to have it checked.  Due to exercise, healthier lifestyle and taking better care of myself he is going to start taking me off some of my med's in May as long as my BP is as good as it was this week.......how good was it????? The first time they took it with an electric cuff it was 112/54......then they took it the old fashioned way at it was 122/64.  Either way it was great!!!!! I never told my Mom about my blood pressure years back or the voice I heard. She would have worried about my BP and  told me who the voice was.........well....... I think I already know who it was......122/64......I am loving it!!! Oh am my Dr. said I was a boring patient.....no complaints no issues.....

Friday.......
a killer day at work.......I didn't get home until 11:15 PM....yes PM......what ever happened to bankers hours?????

Saturday.......
Up early to take the dog for his weekly ear cleaning....$10 a week......I can't do it myself since my dog has been known to bite the hand that feeds him.....so now I spend more a month to have the damn dogs ears cleaned than go to the gym for a month....go figure.
I also bought a gas card at Publix....it cost $40 for a $50 gas card.  I am starting to buy them so our trip to Missouri won't kill us in the gas tank department.  I had already spent over $50 on groceries which was the requirement so why not start stocking the gas cards away.
Jenn and I also got our CWP's in the mail.  Nothing says Christmas in South Carolina like going gun shopping...LOL.

Saturday would also have been Mom's 76th birthday.  I thought about her a lot during the day.  But it's funny finding the Christmas card earlier in the week was in some ways harder than her birthday.  Like I said it's those unexpected moments that sneak up on you......

Well......that was the week.

This week I am looking forward to finally having my washing machine up and running!!! It has been 4 long weeks waiting for it to be repaired.

I am going to try and enjoy the fact that the house is decorated both inside and out.  In fact right now while I type this I am looking at our beautiful tree........I am going to try and find time to enjoy the season.........

See you next week.......

Thanksgiving, Black Friday and my Birthday

I only got out of my pj's on Thanksgiving long enough to take a shower and then back in the jammies until it was time to leave the house to shop at 10:30 at night.

It was a relaxing day.  Jenn and I had a nice dinner and I even made her real mashed potato's.  I always took the easy way out and made instant.  After dinner, I was just getting comfy when Jenn reminded me it was time to get ready to shop.  We have gone Black Friday shopping for years and this was not the time to break tradition. We left the house at 11:00 and headed to Target.  It wasn't too bad there since they had opened at 9.  Then we headed to Kohl's.  The line was in front of the store, down the block and around the store.  We waited for the store to open and went in after the line was gone.  It wasn't horrible inside but when it came time to go to the cash register we found out where all those people had gone.......it took over an hour to get to the register's. We got home at 2:30.  The alarm clock went off at 5:45 and we were back out shopping by 6:30.  By noon we were home.  Done until next year.....

We decorated the outside of the house and Jenn loved my "if the whole set of lights isn't working ....pitch it out" mood.  By the time we were done, the 5 bins of decorations was down to three.....not bad.

My birthday was fun.  Jenn has gotten very good at knowing what I like.  A few weeks ago she asked me about what gift did I want as a kid that I never got........the game Mystery Date.  And what my favorite toy was.......Coloforms Miss Cookie's Kitchen.  She got me the 1965 version of Mystery Date.  The only thing that might have changed is I told her getting the nerdy guy might not be too bad since it could be Bill Gates.  She found me Miss Cookie's Kitchen on e-bay but when the bidding got up to $40 she dropped out.......good thing she did or I would have had a fit.  She also got me a sign that said remember to dream.  I love that!!!! There were also some pineapple themed items which reminded me of Mom.  Mom's wind chime kept ringing all day and made me think of her.  We had sandwiches from Publix while we watched the Carolina/Clemson game and each had a cupcake for dessert.  All in all not a bad day.

Tomorrow or since it is now almost 2:00 AM....today, we will decorate the inside of the house and tree.  Hard to believe Christmas is just 4 weeks away.....

I thought a lot about Mom these last few days......on Thanksgiving and how the whole family used to gather and somehow she would get the turkey and every vegetable out to the table hot and ready to eat.  On my birthday......I thought of her as the almost 19 year old Mom, of the cards she sent each year, her birthday phone calls and how hard it was this year without her.  I am dreading her birthday next week, Christmas and the New Year when she will have been gone a full year.  The last few weeks have been so hard, I have broken out in tears at the drop of a hat thinking about her.  The sound of her wind chimes does remind me she is still here.  I am sure my neighbors would think I was crazy if they heard me saying "Hi Mom" some days when I either am leaving the house or returning home.   The chimes blowing in the gentle breeze reminds me she was here.........I just wish I could have one more conversation, one more hug, one more smile......but then again would that be enough.....probably not.......I would still want more......

And Now The Hot Water Heater?????

Two weeks ago, I mentioned a chain of repairs that kept having to be done and the bills that they have created.  I was hoping it would slow down.....no such luck.

Last Sunday morning,  Jenn took the newspapers to the recycle bin.  She came in and said "Mom I hate to tell you this but there is a large puddle of water under the hot water heater".  OK I e-mail the home owners warranty company again.  By Tuesday, I still hadn't heard from them so I called them.  They said they hadn't gotten my order so they took it over the phone.  Now,  I already have a washing machine that doesn't work .....I sure don't need the hot water heater to go too.  The repairman called Tuesday night and said he could come by the house Wednesday between 3-5. I couldn't be home at that time and the hot water heater is in the outside storage room, he said to just tape a check to the hot water heater.  So that's what I did......

The repairman was running late, Jenn was here when he showed up.  Fortunately, it was not the hot water heater, it was one of the pipes over the hot water heater and it had a crack in it.  He fixed the pipe and we were good to go. 

When I got home.....there was a letter from my homeowners association telling me we had a violation.  Our shed needed to be power washed.   Well, I took a good look at it and yes, it does look like it is in need some TLC.....but right now?? I mean I am juggling the bills with Bob out of work and so far am making it work but these extra darn bills keep popping up.  I called the HOA and told them I would do something about it in the spring but I would not be taking care of it now.  I wasn't quite that nice and the words I used were far more colorful.  I can't wait for the management company to hear my message on Monday.  I did tell them if they felt strongly enough about it they could come and power wash the shed and pay for it themselves.  I can't wait to see what happens when they call me back.

Oh and remember that I have to take the dog to the vet once a week FOR LIFE to have his ears cleaned?  Well, Jenn noticed a rash on his stomach.....so now he is back on med's and the $5 I had budgeted for the weekly ear cleaning turned into $60 of course with a return exam in two weeks......well at least I can combine that visit with the weekly ear cleaning......

Maybe I shouldn't ask that the bills stop.......I am going to try reverse psychology and maybe my luck will change.........I am not going to say it can't get worse because as we all know........it always can.......