I Think I Might Be Getting The Hang Of This Positive Thing.......

I can see where positive goes to positive......I know there are bumps in the road but by putting my focus on the brighter side I am feeling happier.  No.....I am not whistling Zippy Do Da out my butt....but I am feeling good about life in general.  Not every day has some earth shattering event that makes life great but it truly is the smaller moments.....

Most of you know I write in a journal every night.  I write 5 good things that happened during the day.  Now I am more aware of the unexpected blessings that I may have overlooked before while I was searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Here are some examples:

1.  I was down to $9 in my checking account last week and had to pay a bill for $200.  I was stressing and then the mail showed up and a check I had been waiting for was there for.......$202.64......I looked at the check and said, "Thanks Mom!!!"....LOL

2. USC and the Giants both won!!

3.  I have  the Weight Watchers e-tools on my iphone and Jenn and I went through the pantry and fridge and scanned all my favorite foods.  Now I can track my foods so much easier.

4.  One of my co-workers bought me an Egg White McMuffin for breakfast on Friday as a treat.

5.  I had my haircut and was able to work with it and not struggle too much.  I even received a few compliments on it.

6.  Cracker Barrel now has healthier options on their menu.  Jenn and I went there yesterday after the gym and I had egg beaters scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, fruit and grits for less than 400 calories. Not bad at all!!!!

7.  I found the Weight Watcher peanut butter brownies at Publix......I bought 4 boxes in case I can't find them again for a while.

8.  I remembered to charge my aquabeat (waterproof IPOD) before I went to the gym to jog in the pool.  Nothing worse than getting in the pool to jog and the batteries are not charged!!

9.  I love hearing from my cousins on FB.  This week I tried to comment more on postings and it is true you get what you give......I have had more "conversations" this week by reaching out more.  It's funny what people think of you and you don't know it......a friend from high school referred to me as "smiley face" and a constant source of happiness......I guess I am trying to find that person again.  It's kind of like when I look at old pictures of myself and think "boy you looked good then" but in my head even then I was fat.  Yes I am working on the self-esteem!!!!

All that being said.....is life perfect....absolutely not...but by trying not to let the negatives drag me down I am feeling better.....

Besides looking for the good things.....I am still focusing on the weight thing and the tough part of the year is coming up.  I have to try to avoid the landmines.  Even with a few treats aka slip-ups I will not enter the New Year with any extra holiday pounds .....maybe even down a few......promise!!

I wish you were all here to hug or laugh with or just to have a nice long visit with......know that you are all always in my heart.......I don't mind my heart being big..... and full of love....isn't that the way it is supposed to be....

See you next week.....

Still Finding Good Things, A Birthday and A Chance Encounter.......

Continuing my quest to find good things at little or no cost......they just keep popping up!!! 

1.  In an office move, one of my boxes was misplaced.  Was it one with all kinds of work info.....nope.  It was the one with the family photos, mini zen garden and a assortment of my favorite quotes.  Well it was finally located....WOO HOO!!!!
2. Had a great time with Jenn yesterday celebrating her birthday.  Just one fun event after the next.....including a new daring color nail polish for my tootsies.
3. Finally did what I said I would do....checked the pantry and freezer BEFORE food shopping.  When I go food shopping tomorrow my bill will be alot less since I decided to shop in my pantry and freezer first. Also have some coupons for some buy one get one items too!!!!
4. Enjoyed the first few minutes after I wake up and feel comfy under my blankets.
5.  Already had a back up pair of flip flops to replace the ones I had been wearing and wearing and wearing.
6.  Made time each evening to do some reading.
7.  Opened a "Cookie Jar" account at a local credit union with a small amount to finally start saving for a trip to Italy.  I will throw a few dollars in there when I can..... it makes the trip finally seem real.  I will be using my loose change to add to the account too!!
8.  Went to Bruegger's for Bagels for my team and guess what...... it was free cup of coffee day......nice treat!!

Can't wait to see what good things turn up in the next 7 days......

Jenn and I both took off yesterday for her birthday.  It was so much fun and I love the adult she has become.....but her birthday always reminds me of Mom and Dad.  For Dad, I think Jenn's birth was the last thing on his bucket list.  He had done just about everything he wanted to do and he already had 4 grandsons.  I think he was happy to finally add a granddaughter so he could cross that item off his list.  I made Jenn laugh yesterday when I told her the story about Nannie waiting for her to be born.  My Mom and sister came to the hospital when I had been in labor several hours.  They waited patiently through the night.  Finally about 7AM, Mom had had enough and demanded to see my Dr.  The nurse told Mom the Dr. was sleeping,  Mom's response was "I am sure my daughter is not sleeping so I don't think Dr. Kim should be sleeping either'"  Poor Dr. Kim came  to talk to them.  Mom said labor should not go on for 24 hours without something being done.  Then Dr. Kim gave me up.....he told Mom I was fighting for a regular delivery.  Thank goodness Mom couldn't come to see me.....she probably would have slapped me and said, "take the drugs and get this over with!!"  I did end up with a c-section about an hour later.  And my advice after that to any  expectant mom was "take the drugs!!!"

One more thing.....I usually don't strike up conversations with strangers.  It is just not something I am comfortable with.....but occasionally I will try.  Jenn and I went to the Hallmark store to look at ornaments.  I finally finished looking around and sat on the bench outside the store.  A lady came out with a VIP bag that Hallmark was giving for $50 purchases.  I asked her what was in the bag. We started to chat.  I found out she bought ornaments for each of her children each year since their birth.  She shared with me she had lost one son when he was 26.  She talked about his daughter/her granddaughter.  By the time the conversation was finished we were both in tears.  Not sobbing but blinking back tears.  Then she said " there is  my daughter" and went to get in the car.  She turned and looked at me for a second and smiled...... I said to her "Merry Christmas!!"  "Same to you!!" she said back and then she was gone.  I know Thanksgiving is a few weeks away and wishing someone a Merry Christmas may have seemed silly but to me those were the perfect words for us to part with......

See you next week...... 

Things That Made It A Good Week......

As I look back on the past 7 days I found that there were a lot of good things about the week.....here they are in no particular order.......

1.  USC wins a nail biter last night......still flying high from that one.
2.  I talked to ALL my siblings this week.  And these were not just quick "hey what's going on" conversations.
3.  The NY Giants finally won a game!!!!
4.  It finally felt like the fall in SC.  It was 34 degrees yesterday morning!!!!
5.  I saw new pictures of all my grandnieces this week.....great photo's of Victoria, Ellie and Zoey!!!!!
6.  My mums in front of the house have bloomed beautifully.
7.  The Red Sox lost last night in a very weird finish.
8.  I passed up a piece of carrot cake and some brownies that had a peanut butter cup inside and a chocolate chip cookie on the bottom.
9.  I helped Jenn ice cupcakes for the University 101 class she is teaching.  I could hear my Mom saying"swirl the icing Donna."  so I swirled the icing.
10.  I had a nice chat with the lady who makes the sushi at Publix.  I asked her if she ever made it with sushi cones.  I think she called it Inarri.  I explained that was how my grandmother made them.  She said I can order sushi like that if I want!!
11.  I took 4 count 'em 4 mini-naps yesterday.
12. One of my oldest friends called last night.  Linda and I have been friends for more than 40 years.....yikes!! We haven't seen each other in 15 years but we still keep in touch.  I love talking to her because we spend about 10 minutes catching up and then another hour just shooting the breeze.  I promised Linda this year I will visit her!!!!
13.  I laughed at some funny TV shows.......The Middle, Modern Family and reruns of Will and Grace.
14. For once I stayed awake each night all the way through my prayers ....and yes you were included in them!!
15.  One of my cousins put a family picture on FB this week where it was very clear that my Mom had cut my hair..  At the time I think they called it a "pixie" haircut.......I call it "what were you thinking Mom??"
17. I treated myself to some shrimp.....it is cooking now and will be part of my lunch this week!!
18.  I have played Burger Shop until my fingers get numb each night....LOL.
19. Weight Watchers has a new peanut butter brownie I tried this week.. It was delicious!!!
20.  While I was writing this blog entry......the NY Giants won for the 2nd time!!!

Nice week.....lots of good things......they each cost little or no money......I feel blessed.....in the movie Pollyanna her preacher said to her "we looked for the good in people and found it".....I am trying to look for the good things no matter how small they may be......and guess what.....this week I found a lot of them!!!!

The Challenge of this Blog......

Last week I had writers block.........

I couldn't think of anything worth you spending a few minutes reading.  It's funny some weeks I get a lot of hits for my posts and other weeks a lot less.  I am not sure what makes someone want to read what I have written or look at it and say "Nah.... not this week",

When I first started to write this blog 3 years ago, it was only going to be about me trying to get healthy, going to the gym and what I was doing to put me first. All of those things are still important to me.  BUT what I have found is that this blog has evolved into my dream job.......I would love to write a weekly column in a newspaper only I am too late for that.......no longer do you see a columns like Erma Bombeck's talking about everyday life. 

I have started to work on what I hope will turn into a novel.  IT IS FICTION!! If you see a first name you recognize or a place you have visited it doesn't mean I am writing about you.  I am also still seeking a venue for my shorter creations such as magazines, online newspapers and such.

During the week if I come up with something I think will be good for my blog, I put a note on my IPhone so I don't forget.  Sometimes I save a topic for a later date.....until I am ready to share it with you.  It is weird I am willing to share the funny things I get myself into but struggle with the painful entries.  I am willing to make an ass out of myself and let you join in the laughter but when I write an entry and I end up crying......I am not looking for your pity.  I am just trying to keep it as real as I can since I promised myself I would be as honest as I dared.  Up to now I think I have been pretty true to that plan.

I have written about my exploits at the gym, my struggle to lose weight, my lack of grace (OK the fact that I am clumsy)......I have shared about loss of loved ones and the ending of relationships.......there have been weeks when I went on about memories and reunions. 

I have stepped much further out of my comfort zone than I ever intended when I wrote my first post.  By sharing with you I have grown, I have challenged myself and I have save a zillion hours on a therapist couch........

Just one more thing........

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday.......
when we were young we were very different......and I guess the same can be said about us as adults.  Cheryl wants to save the world......she is the champion for the poor, the homeless and there has never been a animal she didn't love.  I on the other hand am more cautious.  I will help one person at a time while she will try to save a whole family.  I have owned one dog at time and would never think of having two. She will give you the shirt off her back while I will give you a shirt I didn't really want (OK how shallow am I).  She has been a second Mom to Jenn and their mutual admiration society is sometimes nauseating.......as they say it is all about them!!!! Cheryl will talk about how much she loved her freshman year in high school because I was a senior and she knew all my friends.  I didn't think it was a big deal but then she told me how much she hated going back to school her sophomore year and my group had moved on.  We make each other crazy at times as sisters often do but we also have those moments when we share with each other something going on in our lives and we each try to find the right words to say.  We have had fist fights growing up and probably screamed at each other a zillion times over who's turn it was to do the dishes. But yet for some reason one of my favorite memories with her was when I was about 8 months pregnant and she came and spent the afternoon with  me in my apartment.  It wasn't a major event....just two sisters having lunch in a one bedroom apartment.  We ate ham, provolone, peppers and eggplant sandwiches. Funny, I am not sure why that afternoon stands out in my mind.  Maybe because she was a Mom and I was going to be one........maybe because we had finally found the things we had in common and not what we had that was different.....but somehow that afternoon changed things for me as far as our relationship.......it made us close.

Happy Birthday Cheryl!!!!! Love your "older" "big" sister!!!!

Purple Glitter Polish and a Mini-Crock Pot

I find it is very easy to get sad.  As the changes in my life slowly happen I sometimes find it a battle to not go to the dark side and feel sorry for myself.

Sleeping in the recliner wasn't so bad in the bedroom.  But the weeks when I do not have the bedroom I don't sleep as well in the living room recliner.  I am not sure if it is because of the openness of the room or the chair is just not as comfortable.  The couch is not an option ....it is really uncomfortable.  So I wake up cranky and sometimes tired from waking up during the night.  I find myself counting the days until I am back in the bedroom again.  When I arrive at work I am not very talkative .....at least for a while.  I just log on to the computer and gradually work out of my mood.  Maybe I need to stop for coffee every morning......nope not in the budget.

The budget is tight but I can make it work.  I have thought maybe I need to give up some things or readjust my priorities.  Giving up my pedi......ok this is totally selfish but at this point in my life I should be able to get a pedicure once a month and not feel guilty......right???? Give up the gym??? Another no. 

I usually take my lunch to work as a way to save money.  One thing I know is that I need to eat something that takes a while to eat.  A sandwich is gone too quickly as are many other lunchtime options.  Last Christmas, I bought myself a small crock pot.  It is portable and not made for cooking but is intended to heat things up.  Now,  I have soup at lunch and it is GREAT!! I also have a Weight Watcher salad carrier.  It keeps the salad cold.  I use romaine, mushrooms and some low fat cheese and it is yummy. There is also a separate compartment for the salad dressing so the salad doesn't get soggy.

Back to the pedi.....for the last 4 or 5 years I have always and I mean always gotten my toes done in either red or pink.  The polish must have glitter in it too!!! Well in my quest to change things up.....this most I had them done in purple glitter for Halloween,  next month in a orangy gold for Thanksgiving.......December I am thinking gold.  Small changes but for someone like me who doesn't change things up often....this is pretty big!!!!

Put up with me if I don't seem upbeat.......I usually work my way out of it.........ask my team....... sometime between 10 and 11 in the morning I am  more social than when I first walk into the office .  I may reach out to you on the phone......just let me talk........

I am moving along just slowly.......the next few months.....the holidays.....may be more challenging than before.....but then again we haven't spent the holidays together in a few years anyway so it may not be too bad. 

Why can't I live in one of those towns from those Hallmark Christmas movies I love????

OK I need an upbeat ending......lunches are so much better now!!! And my toes.....judge for yourself.....LOL.....see the pictures below.....

October toes.....

November color.......

I know....I know ....I need to get a life.....or move along to my new life......well at least this is a start.......

Food For Thought.....

I heard a term recently that I have not heard before.....weight loss resistant.  I heard it on a talk show and looked it up....surprise there is such a thing!!

Maybe that's my problem.....

Two of the things that I saw referenced were stress and lack of sleep.

Many studies say that you need to get a good nights sleep to help weight loss.  Well, I am sure I am not getting enough hours of sleep.  I average 5-6 hours a night.  It is suggested at my age (ugh) I get 8 hours a night.  Actually, the new sleeping arrangements are helping me get a more restful nights sleep.  No more waking up to snoring.  Now I have to get out of the habit of sleeping in a recliner.  Bad habit and now it is hard to break.  I need to start in just a few hour increments and build up from there. 

Stress.....ok this is hard one.  For example in the last week I wrote a difficult post, Bob's unemployment ran out, then engine blew on his car and there are some changes coming up at work......think that is enough stress for one week????? BUT I am trying to minimize my stress.....writing the post last was stressful but having shared what is going on makes it easier to not pretend everything is fine.  The car engine....oh well it is what it is.  The end of unemployment....I will make the budget work.  The changes at work......anyone in the mortgage industry will tell you this is a constant...things are always changing.

To help my weight loss/get healthy goals....I am going to go to bed earlier at night (isn't that why DVR's were created?) and I am going to work on not letting stress get the better of me. Everyone has stress in their lives but I have to minimize it or let some things roll of my shoulders.

In Weight Watchers magazine there was an article about how I have to stop being negative about myself.  Not just me LOL....but all of us.  If asked I could come up with issues about everything from my hair to my toes.  I have to try and stop the self-criticism.  This will be hard for me.....I have talked about my thin hair, fat butt, big thighs......and on and on but according to the article this is not good for me mentally.  I need to create positive images that make me feel good about myself......this could be a challenge for the person who has never felt good about her looks.....but I am not going to stress out about it.....LOL.....I am going to give it a try.

I have been to the gym and done an hours worth of jogging in the pool several times in the last week.  I am so glad to be getting back into a routine at the gym!!

Oh one more thing......counting points.  Weight Watchers does like you to count point each day for the foods you eat.  I do use my calculator on my smart phone all the time.  Last week, Jenn was taking muffins from Sam's Club to her University 101 class.  I thought I would bring some to work too.  Once we got them home we both agreed they were big muffins.....but how many points could they really be?? I used my handy dandy calculator and guess what??? They were 17  POINTS EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!  It is safe to say neither Jenn or I had one bite of those babies......

Ok so in using my new positive thought process....thanks for reading and caring......

PS.  I want to thank all of you for your response to my entry last week.  I had more views of that entry than any other I have written in the last 3 years.  Almost  200 people read and many wrote to me about that difficult entry. I received e-mails, texts and feedback on FB from family, friends and even people that I went to school with many many years ago.......all were positive and supportive and I cannot tell you how much that meant to me!!!! I feel the love!!!!

PPSS Just one more thing......in looking at the number of views of my blog.....I am close to 18,000 views since it's inception. I need you to know that your comments mean a lot....it also helps me to know that what I am writing has some value to others.  Thanks for following me through my journey.......I am so glad you decided to come along for the ride!!!!! 

See you next week.........

A Hard Entry To Share......

It's true....like an ostrich I stick my head in the sand.   I think things can't be fixed.....the storm door handle breaks...I leave it broken....... the grill doesn't light....I leave it unused......nothing can be fixed.  Or can it???

This is one of the hardest entries I have written.......and one of the most personal........short of telling you how much I weigh.....it will probably never get any more personal than this.....at least nothing I can think of now.

Most of you are aware things have not been right in the Pizzo house for a while now.  And they haven't been.  You go into a relationship thinking it is forever.....at least I really believed that 30 plus years ago.......

Life throws you curves that you don't anticipate.  People change. People grown in different directions. 

I thought I could get through it all......I thought we could get through it all.......I was wrong. 

I live in a house where the communication is down to necessary conversation only.  We swap the bedroom weeks at a time.  I have it one week ....he has it the next. 

What should I blame......30 years of financial struggles.......cancer....unemployment??? Each one of those may have played a part but I have seen people endure more than that and still stay together.  

We are not soul mates......

I envy the people who tell everyone how great their spouse is and how they love them.  I see a couple walking along holding hands.  I see people reference their date nights with their spouses.  I am jealous of them all.......

So do I settle......do we settle????

This relationship is winding down......sailing in to the sunset....slowly......there is a lot to work through......trying to be fair and leave both of us in a good place.  The legalities will come eventually.......I compare this to slowly taking off a band aid instead of ripping it off.

I have referred to myself as a failure......or this relationship as a failure.......but can any relationship that produced a great daughter like Jenn ever be considered a failure??? NEVER!!!!

I didn't write my entry last week because I had  a lot on my mind.

I went and had my wedding ring cut off. I cried as I looked at the ring finger that hadn't been bare in over 30 years.  There are still marks on the finger where the ring once was.....I still reach to adjust it on my hand......and then get sad when I realize it is no longer there......

While this is not the way I expected it to turn out when I said for richer for poorer in sickness and in health.......I can find no way to make it work any more.

As I look ahead.....I see myself alone....and that scares me.......

But I also look to a time when I can watch Jenn off on her own adventures, when I can spend my time writing and live near some beach......

Right now I am terrified....

You need to know that Bob is not a bad guy or the villain.....we both have had a part in this.....I just think this is too broken too repair.

Please do not avoid me or Bob.  I tell my family please come to see us if you want....we still make that work and I would hate not to see people who want to spend time with us.

I think putting this all down in words makes it more real......and makes me cry as I read it back.....

Say a prayer for us as we work though this process ......

After all is said and done...........I still believe in love.....