I had a good week at Weight Watchers and was down for the week. Actually, I was down after 6 days between weigh-ins. I had to go on Friday this week instead of Saturday because I had to work Saturday and was still down. I was very happy !!I have had some people at work say they can see the changes in me. I still have so very far to go and can't even imagine what I will look like at the end. Not that there is ever an end....then comes what I have heard is the harder part...maintaining.
I dream about getting to goal. I see myself in the sleeveless black dress that I have always wanted to wear. Pants with zippers, tucking in my shirt and wearing a belt, I can't imagine what that will feel like. Wearing a cover up over my bathing suit because I want to, not because I am self-conscious.
I wish people could climb inside my head and body and see how hard I try. There are people have no clue about the changes and choices I make every day. It can be exhausting....but I have dreams and dreams can come true....right?
Dreams....what would be do with out them. My hopes and dreams are all tied up together. I will not let anyone tell me that I can't achieve my dreams. I cannot let anyone kill my hopes or spirit. The best thing I can do is stop letting the negative people impact my life.....I just have to figure out how to do it....suggestions anyone ????
Sunday, May 23, 2010
It takes time
The numbers on the scale are moving down vvvvveeeeerrrrryyyyyy ssssssllllloooowwwwllllyyyyy. I heard someone on the Biggest Loser say you can't let the numbers define who you are. I know that is true but the numbers still matter a lot to me and I want to see them move down faster. I told a friend at work this week that I just don't want to walk in a room and be the "fat girl". She said that she had never thoguht of me that way. When I commented to another friend a while back that you cannot imagine how it feels to walk into a room and be the largest person there. He said to me" I never thought that....I just thought Donna is here". I want to be able to look in the mirror and feel good about my reflection. That is a long way off....
I want to wear a size that doesn't have an X attached to it.....
I want to walk into any store and buy off the rack.....
I want to be able to meet new people and not have to think once they get past the way I look they will really get to know me....
I want to not have to feel uncomfortable for the choices I make when I am out to eat and people looking at me like all I do from the time I get up until I go to bed is eat.....
I want to not have to think about my weight all the time....
I know there are other options than the path I have chosen to get to my goal. I feel I am finally on the right path for me. I know it won't happen overnight and am setting realistic goals. I can't think more than 5 pounds at a time or more than one day at a time, otherwise I feel overwhelmed. I have to believe that someday I will reach my goal.....
I want to wear a size that doesn't have an X attached to it.....
I want to walk into any store and buy off the rack.....
I want to be able to meet new people and not have to think once they get past the way I look they will really get to know me....
I want to not have to feel uncomfortable for the choices I make when I am out to eat and people looking at me like all I do from the time I get up until I go to bed is eat.....
I want to not have to think about my weight all the time....
I know there are other options than the path I have chosen to get to my goal. I feel I am finally on the right path for me. I know it won't happen overnight and am setting realistic goals. I can't think more than 5 pounds at a time or more than one day at a time, otherwise I feel overwhelmed. I have to believe that someday I will reach my goal.....
Half the Battle is Showing Up
The sign at the entrance to the gym says "half the battle is showing up". It is so true. Once I am there I am fine.....some days I have to drag my butt across the parking lot. Tuesday, I was tired, had a headache and was not motivated at all. Fortunately, Jenn was with me and she in not so many words told me to get in the gym and I would be glad later that I had gone. She was right. When we left an hour later, I was so glad that I didn't just go home. I have been going to the gym for 4 months now and have only missed a week because I was sick. The months have passed quickly and physically I feel much better than I did a few months ago. My confidence is slowly starting to grow. I no longer feel uncomfortable walking around the gym or getting on the elliptical. I feel I belong there. I know I will never look like some of the people who go there and are in amazing shape but I am in a better place than I was just a few short months ago. I am trying and that is all I can do.....
Sunday, May 16, 2010
My Mom
I don't think as kids we appreciate all the things our Mom's do for us....Mom never missed a class play (even the one about library books where I was Miss Grammar Book), she made costumes for a Greek Play at school, elf costumes for Christmas parties, was cookie Mom for my girl scout troop and has taught the hula to my girl scout troop and a group of 2nd graders from my daughters elementary school. Mom took my brother and I to see "A Hard Days Night" at the movie theatre in Westchester Square...we had to stand in line....she was all of 28 years old waiting patiently with her 9 and 11 year old to see the 1st Beatles movie....she even sat through it a second time (in those days you didn't have to leave after the movie you could just stay and see it again)....she danced to Hawaiian Wedding Song at her children's weddings and 2 years ago danced it at her Grandson's wedding....that was so great to see...for her grandchildren who thought of Nannie as the person who cooks the best ribs and fried rice in the world (I also love her cole slaw and chocolate cracker pudding...yum)....anyway for her Grandchildren they saw a different side of Nannie...the person who with some arm twisting from her children got up in front of a room of wedding guests and danced the Hula...family members were reduced to tears and she moved gracefully along the floor...a memory of a lifetime....My Mom was the Bell of the Ball.....last year she faced a tough battle and has been amazing....she has been positive and made her children proud....never saying why me but saying watch me...I have never been as proud of her as I have been the last year...way to go Mom!!!!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Water, water and more water
I got to my desk on Monday morning to be greeted by a 32 ounce cup of water. My Work Director and friend Mary has made it her job to make sure I have this water on my desk each morning. Gigi comes by mid-day and takes my cup for a refill. Teresa comes back from lunch with 2 20oz bottles of guess what....water. On Tuesday, Cheryl brings me a bottle on cranberry flavored water I have so much support from my friends. I went a whole week and only had one soda. Normally, I would have had 14-21 bottles of diet soda. Lots and lots of water. Drinking a lot of it at home and in the gym too.
Wednesday, the Dr. calls to say the result from my CBC are back and everything is in normal range (thats the platelets, HCT and HGB). I am so relieved. I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance....woo hoo!!!
I get to the gym 4 times this week, have had gallons of H2O and am trying so hard to cut back on my drug of choice CHEESE. Can't give it up cold turkey but am weaning myself off slowly. For the first time in ages...there is actually cheese left over in the cold cut bin at the end of the week.
Saturday, I go to Weight Watchers and I am down on the scales. Maybe it's the water or the gym or less cheese...I am going to keep this up since it seems to be working.
When someone says to me "I don't see a big improvement. You should be down 30, 40 or 50 pounds." I try not to let it get to me but the tears do start to fall. I have to ignore the naysayers....I have so many people in my cheering section. They keep me motivated and I am so lucky to have them in my life.
As to those who doubt my ability to succeed this time....KISS OFF and watch my back and as I walk away from you...... looking and feeling better with every damn step...
Wednesday, the Dr. calls to say the result from my CBC are back and everything is in normal range (thats the platelets, HCT and HGB). I am so relieved. I feel like I have been given a 2nd chance....woo hoo!!!
I get to the gym 4 times this week, have had gallons of H2O and am trying so hard to cut back on my drug of choice CHEESE. Can't give it up cold turkey but am weaning myself off slowly. For the first time in ages...there is actually cheese left over in the cold cut bin at the end of the week.
Saturday, I go to Weight Watchers and I am down on the scales. Maybe it's the water or the gym or less cheese...I am going to keep this up since it seems to be working.
When someone says to me "I don't see a big improvement. You should be down 30, 40 or 50 pounds." I try not to let it get to me but the tears do start to fall. I have to ignore the naysayers....I have so many people in my cheering section. They keep me motivated and I am so lucky to have them in my life.
As to those who doubt my ability to succeed this time....KISS OFF and watch my back and as I walk away from you...... looking and feeling better with every damn step...
So Once In A While You Have A Lousy Week...
So I started my week with a Dr. appt. at 7:45 AM. My favorite annual visit. Good news to start BP 123/63...wow...the exercise (or as they call it at WW... activity) is paying off. Then you get ready to leave and the nurse says, "when was the last time you had blood work?" I say "a few weeks ago when I went to get my asthma prescriptions refilled". They tell me my platelets are low, my HCT and HGB are high. So they take more blood...and I start to worry.
Did I wait too long to get myself together???
I get to the office and call my GP's office to get the results of the old blood tests. No call back Tuesday or Wednesday. Finally, on Thursday they call back. The nurse says "we didn't run a CBC. We checked you liver and kidneys due to the cholesterol med's I take". OK so how did they come out...."Your over all cholesterol is good..below 200. Your good cholesterol is fine at 50. Your bad cholesterol is 111 and it should be below 99." And this is the kicker...she says "You need to drink more water for your kidneys (ok I can handle this). you need to stop eating fried foods (FRIED FOODS...we don't eat and I don't cook fried foods...I bake everything...uugh...I hate when people assume things) and get ready for this "You need to exercise MORE"....WTF have I been doing.....3-4 times a week at the gym....sweating my butt off...I hate when people who don't really know me make generalized statements. Oh and then she said "You will have to come back in 3 months to be checked again." Now I have a headache and start to worry....
By the time I get to the gym for my Thursday night date with my trainer, Carol, I am a mess. She spends time talking to me about food choices. Common sense advise...if it didn't exist 100 years ago don't eat it. Meaning the processed foods we eat a big NO NO. Eats things that are in season...right now strawberries and other berries. There are no redeeming qualities in soda.
Next we tackle the stairs....1st one level...then with risers...then two steps up....I do OK with the one step and the riser, I look at the 2 steps and FREEZE. I stare at it like it is 10 feet high. Carol says "you can do it" I put my left leg up and then my right. I am shaking and sweating. Then I get down and do it again...and again...and again. Now I have to lead with my right leg (this is the knee that is screwed up). Total panic takes over and I cannot move. Carol says"It is all up here (pointing at my head)." I step up with my right and then my left. I get back down and then try to do it again....I freeze....Carol puts out her hands (not to hold but for stability)...I do 6 more sets and then she says do the last one alone....heart racing, sweating and shaking....I climb the two steps....
I go to Weight Watchers and lose NOTHING but trying to be optimistic..I gained NOTHING...when I have a week like that I try to think ...what would happen if I didn't go at all....I would be putting on weight instead of staying the same or losing....
I am so glad the week is over....those 2 stairs haunt me....I want to not have to think about them...but I did do 2 by myself and that was more than last week....next week will be better and maybe I will do 3 by myself...building on last week...hey Rome wasn't built in a day.....
No one ever said it was going to be easy....
Did I wait too long to get myself together???
I get to the office and call my GP's office to get the results of the old blood tests. No call back Tuesday or Wednesday. Finally, on Thursday they call back. The nurse says "we didn't run a CBC. We checked you liver and kidneys due to the cholesterol med's I take". OK so how did they come out...."Your over all cholesterol is good..below 200. Your good cholesterol is fine at 50. Your bad cholesterol is 111 and it should be below 99." And this is the kicker...she says "You need to drink more water for your kidneys (ok I can handle this). you need to stop eating fried foods (FRIED FOODS...we don't eat and I don't cook fried foods...I bake everything...uugh...I hate when people assume things) and get ready for this "You need to exercise MORE"....WTF have I been doing.....3-4 times a week at the gym....sweating my butt off...I hate when people who don't really know me make generalized statements. Oh and then she said "You will have to come back in 3 months to be checked again." Now I have a headache and start to worry....
By the time I get to the gym for my Thursday night date with my trainer, Carol, I am a mess. She spends time talking to me about food choices. Common sense advise...if it didn't exist 100 years ago don't eat it. Meaning the processed foods we eat a big NO NO. Eats things that are in season...right now strawberries and other berries. There are no redeeming qualities in soda.
Next we tackle the stairs....1st one level...then with risers...then two steps up....I do OK with the one step and the riser, I look at the 2 steps and FREEZE. I stare at it like it is 10 feet high. Carol says "you can do it" I put my left leg up and then my right. I am shaking and sweating. Then I get down and do it again...and again...and again. Now I have to lead with my right leg (this is the knee that is screwed up). Total panic takes over and I cannot move. Carol says"It is all up here (pointing at my head)." I step up with my right and then my left. I get back down and then try to do it again....I freeze....Carol puts out her hands (not to hold but for stability)...I do 6 more sets and then she says do the last one alone....heart racing, sweating and shaking....I climb the two steps....
I go to Weight Watchers and lose NOTHING but trying to be optimistic..I gained NOTHING...when I have a week like that I try to think ...what would happen if I didn't go at all....I would be putting on weight instead of staying the same or losing....
I am so glad the week is over....those 2 stairs haunt me....I want to not have to think about them...but I did do 2 by myself and that was more than last week....next week will be better and maybe I will do 3 by myself...building on last week...hey Rome wasn't built in a day.....
No one ever said it was going to be easy....
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