What Would I Do Without Friends.....

In tough times your family is there for you. But to get through each day your friends can make all the difference. Friday night I was lucky enough to meet with some friends who I had worked with in the past. It was so nice to see each of them and share some laughs and memories. These friendship are the things that have sustained me during this rough period.

I like most of us take our friends for granted. They are always around and I just assume they always will be. But looking around the table Friday night felt good to know that I mattered enough for them to take time out of their busy schedules for me.

I have received cards and calls from former co-workers. The kindness and generosity has not gone unnoticed. The cards, the flowers, the gift cards and the collection taken up to give me enough money to buy the wind chimes in which some of my Mom's ashes will be placed.......how can you put a value on that kind of friendship and love.

Later this year when I sit on my porch and hear the sound of those wind chimes........I will not only be thinking of my mom but of the dear friends who made them possible.

I moved here almost 14 years ago and only knew 2 people. In the last few weeks I have come to realize how many people have touched my life. I am grateful that we decided to move south......I would have hated to miss the friendships that I have been lucky enough cultivate.......

I feel so blessed....

Life Does Go On....But It Sucks....

As I have learned in the last 3 weeks.....life does go on whether we want it to or not. I have wanted the world to freeze and stay motionless while I try to catch up and catch my breath. Unfortunately that is not how life works.

In the three weeks since my Mom left us I have picked up the phone several times to call her. Twice I actually finished dialing her number to end up with the sound of a disconnected phone.

I have one last check I sent her that has gone uncashed.

I forgot about the newspaper subscription that I had ordered for her. When it showed up in my check book I remembered. I couldn't call to cancel the subscription. I asked Jenn to do it instead.

I got the last cell phone bill on which my Mom had made calls. I didn't do the usual thing of shredding the bill like I usually do. It gave me something to cling to.....to remind myself just a few short weeks ago she was on the phone talking to someone. Each month when the bill would come in Jenn and I would call and tease her about the number of minutes she had used. She never used many and I would always say "Mom use the phone that's why you have it."

I haven't cancelled her cell phone yet. I am so tempted to call and see if her voice is still on her voice mail....how crazy is that???

I look the the person from the V-8 commercial that hits themselves in the head. I hit myself in the head (figuratively) and say Mom is gone.

I have gone almost 2 full days without crying. Not back to back days but I will almost get through the day and then it hits me again......she is gone. I do not spend the days crying uncontrollably......but tears do well up from time to time throughout the day.

Friday it had been 27 years since my Dad left us......it was hard to think about Mom being gone too.....although I know they are together.

But somehow I have made it through 27 years without Dad and 21 days without Mom......

Trying Something New

As I have said before I struggled with Saturday weigh-ins. I decided to try something different, Weight Watchers online. I can weigh in when I want, I can track my points on my phone, I can look up points for food and restaurants online.....this works better for me than racing to get to a weekly meeting. Tonight, Jenn is going to help me go through my favorite foods and plug them into my phone so when I leave for work each day I will already have my points tracked. The website is pretty amazing. I even get reminders during the day asking me if I have tracked my breakfast, lunch and dinner......pretty cool.

I can track my activity points. I can find recipes. I can track my weight loss. There are success stories, articles and cheat sheets......

I think this is a great option for me. It will keep me on track and yet give me the flexibility I seek. That's a win win.......now I need to focus. And if I lose my phone I am in trouble.....my weight is on that phone.....yikes!!!!! Maybe I should just do what I did on my drivers license.....lie. Well don't most people lie on their drivers license???? Have you ever seen the police pull out a scale at a traffic stop??? So I think I am good.....there are some things I am allowed to keep to myself.

Reality Check.....the New Normal

As I leave work each night I reach for my cell phone......time to call Mom and check in......then it hits.....she is not there. For the last few years I talked to Mom just about everyday and sometimes multiple times a day. And each night as I drove home we would talk. I have driven home in silence a few times in the last few weeks. I have also tried calling friends and family to make the time pass. It is very hard.

I think I am doing well and then something hits me. Or some days are just unbearable.....and I have to struggle to get through the day. The pain is so real. I know this sounds crazy but I miss her so much more than I thought I would. I think I was in denial......now I am mad at her for leaving me.

In our family, once Dad passed away when we would think of things we would say is that before dad or after Dad......now it will be before Mom or after Mom too.......

I have spent more time talking to my siblings then I had before.....it worries me that the person who kept us connected is gone.....how will that impact our relationships......I know we are talking a lot right now because of the newness of Mom's passing.....I hope we don't drift apart.....I will do my best to stay in touch and keep the family together......but I have to say the new normal.....sucks......

Back To The Gym Again.....

Well.... the Christmas decorations and tree are back in storage. The last Christmas cookie has been pitched. You know what that means.....back to the gym.

Jenn and I went back to the gym. Instead of going in the pool I decided to hit the elliptical. Oh my aching thighs. I plodded along and along and along. When I was done I had to clean down the whole machine. There was sweat everywhere......I looked a mess....then I worked some of the machines and weights. I felt like someone had moved my car while I was in the gym.......I didn't have the same spring in my step.....LOL.....if anything I had to drag myself to the car.

Later in the evening when I went to get up from my chair my legs did not want to cooperate but that is just part of getting back into the swing. It will become easier as I get back into the routine. I have already told my team I will not be around on Tuesday and Thursday nights since those are my week nights at the gym. Along with Saturday and Sunday......so here I go again......the party is over and it is time to get back to work!!!!

The Gathering.....

A few years ago a dear friend that I worked with lost her husband. Instead of a traditional funeral her family had a "gathering". A Memorial Service that gave family and friends a chance to share memories and tell stories.I thought it was a wonderful event and shared my experience with my friends. And so the tradition of a "gathering" continues with my friends.

One of my oldest friends offered her house as place for the gathering to take place. The people there are what I consider extended family. I wasn't quite ready to see a lot of people and was still seeking closure. This was a step in that direction. There were 13 people present. Each one played a different part in my life....some of the ties were co-workers who became personal friends.....some have been friends for over 30 years. The company was wonderful, the conversation comfortable and a nice evening.....just what I needed. Before the evening ended I told each person why I had included them as part of the evening.....from my friend who also has family far away, to the boss who became a friend, to the work director with whom I have share an emotional year, to the first person I worked with when I moved to Columbia, to the friend who also had a Mom named Irene, to the friend who laughed when we talked about a car ride with my mom where she was making me crazy, to the friend who spent an evening in my house just following my Mom around the kitchen cleaning up after her and finally, the friend who had met my Mom when she was just 33.....

I like the idea of a gathering.....there was some laughter, some tears and a lot of hugs. Just a small step in the healing process......and an evening my Mom would have enjoyed.

A Really Tough Day.......

You know when the phone rings at 7:40 on a Sunday morning it is not good news. It was my brother......my Mom had taken a turn for the worse during the night. It then became a little crazy and I tried to search for a flight to NY as soon as I could. My brother told me to wait until I heard from him. He didn't want me to be half way through Virginia when he would call and say I was too late. So I waited......

We have two more conversations and in between I spoke with my younger brother and sister a few times.

Then my brother called me back to say Mom was gone. She had gone peacefully and quickly. There were family members there as she transitioned from this life to the next......

My Mom was the oldest of 9 children. She was an Army brat. She met my Dad while both he and her father were stationed at Fort Knox. She was 16 and my Dad was 20 when they got married. He brought her home to the Bronx where they raised their 4 children. It couldn't have been easy for her. So far away from her family, living in a 5th floor walk up with 3 children. My Dad worked a full time job, drove a cab on the week-ends and went to school full time at night. Mom spent a lot of time alone with just us kids. She attended the school plays, helped out as a lunch lady, was the cookie mother for the girl scout troop and on and on.......

As their children grew older and went out on their own.....it was time for my parents to start to enjoy themselves. But their time was short.....at 48 my Dad was diagnosed with cancer and fought a tough battle that took him from us at the age of 51. Mom was just 48 and a widow......

I wondered how my Mom would find her way in the world when the center of her universe was gone. Well, she did discover a world of her own.....she became a missionary and traveled to Israel, she adored her grandchildren and took great pride in their accomplishments. She danced the hula (she was part Hawaiian) at her grandson's wedding a few years ago. It was fun to watch her grand children's faces as Nannie moved gracefully across the floor to the music from The Hawaiian Wedding Song. This was a different Nannie than they were used to seeing....the Nannie in the house dress who would spend her time in the kitchen cooking and catering to every one's request for her specialties. They cried, they applauded and they cheered as she finished the dance.

She has been through some tough battles in the last few years. Today, her battle ended. My heart hurts but in my mind she is with my Dad, the person she fell in love with 59 years ago......

I am not sure what I will do when I leave work this week and I can't call her. I am not sure what I will do when I am having a rough day and I can't call her to vent or use her as a sounding board. I am not sure what I will do now that my Mom is gone.....

She was there when I needed her everyday of my life and now she isn't......how do I get up tomorrow knowing that she isn't at the other end of the phone.......how do I face the next day and the day after that.....

I am not sure how I am supposed to put one foot in front of the other and move on.....

I guess this is just one more lesson she has been teaching me for years......when you lose someone you care about as much as we did for her......you just find a way.....not that it is easy.....tonight for the first time in my life I am going to sleep and my Mom is not here........

Thank you Mom for your strength, your knowledge, your faith and your love......I will miss you everyday......

I can't even begin to imagine this next part of my life without her.....