There Is A Thin Person Inside.......

My WW leader talked about going through the weight loss process is like peeling the layers of an onion.  I like to look at it like the piece of marble Michelangelo was sculpting and said that the work of art was always there he just had to take away the excess marble.

I can relate both of those comparisons to my weight loss journey.  Even at this point in my life I am learning so much about myself. It is a strange road to travel.......I always thought by the time I reached this point in my life I would have it all figured out but instead there are things about which I still do not have a clue.......is it me or are there others that feel like that??

Yes, there is a thin person inside me or a healthy person as I prefer to look at it.  At this point in my life it's not about looks (although wearing smaller sizes is not that painful).....it is about longevity and flexibility and still wanting to try new things.  My goal is still so far away that I cannot even imagine what it would be like to get there. Considering I am quite the dreamer it sounds funny that I cannot picture getting to goal but I can picture myself at a book signing.......why is it my brain is willing to accept some things as reality and others as almost impossible to imagine???

Barry Manilow (yes I said Barry Manilow and yes I am a Fanilkow!! so get over it you non-Manilow fans) sings two song I can really relate to....one is called "There's A Kid Inside" and  the other is "All The Time" and there is also one by Mama Cass of the Mama's and the Papa's called "Make Your Own Kind of Music" that rings true to the Donna of now.....

As many of us do.....we find songs we can relate to.....it's like the music in the movies that plays in the background of our lives......

"The Kid Inside"......reminds me of the insecurity of growing up and how those years can hang with us throughout our lives.  I was never self confident in HS.  Fun oh yeah....social absolutely ........sure of myself around my much smaller friends...NOT.  Why was it I was always surprised if a boy liked me?? I always thought why aren't they with so and so  she is much smaller than me.....so the weight thing was there even years ago.....

"All The Time"......makes me think about how alone I have felt at times and not realizing that there were others feeling the same way.  When I am at my WW meeting I am sitting with people who get me.....really get me. When I go on the WW websites and I see people sharing about their struggles I feel like I have come home......whether they have 10 pounds or 100 pounds to lose they have walked in my shoes.  There was a lady today who posted about her concerns regarding an upcoming trip......I could have written the same post word for word.  The concern about being the big person......the walking that is involved in travel.....the embarrassment of having to ask for a seat belt extender.....the look on the person's face that is going to sit next to you.......and horror of horrors....what if it is one of those airlines famous for telling people of size you have to buy a 2nd seat......although I have not experienced that I do understand it. Watching TV shows where Southwest airlines asks bigger people to go on the plane early to make sure they will fit in the seat and not infringe on their neighbors space.......if you have never had a weight issue how could you ever understand that???? I could be on a therapists couch for years and never figure out how to battle those fears or issues......but my Sunday morning WW meeting is my therapy time.....along with a few laughs mixed in.

The last song, "Make Your Own Kind of Music"....reminds me of how I am now.  I do not have to fit into a mold someone else has made for me.....it is OK for me to march to the beat of a different drummer and be happy.  I am still worthy of peoples love, friendship and respect.  And maybe just maybe there are some laughs and hugs and pure fun along the way.  I am finding my inner child and she is no longer too worried about the judgment of others (notice I didn't say not worried at all.....LOL....I have not gotten that far yet).  I am someone you would not want to miss getting to know.....I am so worth it!!!!!!

If you are not familiar with these songs....take a few minutes to listen to them and I think  you will understand why I picked them for this entry.

I saw a picture on FB and it said to me "THIS IS YOU DONNA!!!!"

It is a picture of a little girl standing in the rain in a sun suit her arms outstretched and a look on her face that stays with you and the quote said

"Remember her? She is still there....... inside you.......waiting.....let's go get her !!!".......yup that's me!!!

OK one quick funny story I shared at WW this morning.  We were talking about enjoying eating as an experience not something to rush through.  We talked about things like eating standing up etc.  I told the group about an event a long time ago when we were at my sister's house helping with something and also making a meal for the family.  So there we are the two Raboni sister in crappy clothes like sweatpants, old tshirts, no makeup and our hair just pulled up in clips.  Mashed potato's were part of the meal.  We both started  "testing" them.....right at the stove each with a spoon digging into the pot and having mouthfuls of the potato's.  Next thing we look up and there is a really, really handsome (did I mention drop dead gorgeous) man standing in the doorway looking at us.......mouths full of potato's looking like.....ugh..... I can't even imagine .....it turned out my brother had brought a friend over with him.  After that I have to say eating out of a pot at the stove is not something I do much anymore unless I am ABSOLUTELY sure no one will be showing up in my kitchen that I didn't anticipate......

See you next week......

Mom's Legacy and How She Continues to Help Me

Today is the day we celebrate Mom's.....it is a day of mixed emotions for me.  I love being a Mom but I also miss my own Mom.

After I had Jenn....... on my next birthday......I sent my Mom flowers.  I think it was an apology for the fact I weighed 10 pounds 4 ounces at birth (oh I am sure that was a fun delivery). As I have said before I probably had my 1st WW lecture in the nursery of  St. Francis Hospital in the Bronx.

My original thought of spending a morning watching the sunrise at the beach didn't materialize.  If I did that I would have missed my Weight Watchers meeting.  Right now that is more important !! I was glad I attended...... it was a good meeting. I was down again this week reversing the trend from a few weeks ago of two weeks in row going up.

Jenn wanted to know if I wanted to go out to breakfast.  All I could think of was long lines and waiting to get a table. So I passed.....

BUT I did tell her I would love a slice of pizza....real honest to goodness pizza.  I had the points for it so that would work for me.  We went and had pizza.....we skipped the usual giant pretzel we used to order with hot mustard.  The pizza was sssooo good.  Then insanity hit......as we left from our pizza I asked her if she would like some ice cream.  I have been dreaming of strawberry ice cream.  Well I guess the WW gods had different plans for me.....no strawberry ice cream was available at our stop.  Now I was a woman on a mission....how about a Starbucks chocolaty chip frappacino....a small one we would share.  So off we went to Starbucks.  Jenn came out with the drink and guess what.....it was the wrong thing and it tasted awful....LOL....the WW gods were definitely in control today. So no strawberry ice cream or frappacino.....serves me right for trying to go over board.....

You would think after all this time I would have the WW program down pat..... which I do......but you can see the eating habits that have gone on for years and years are hard to break.

Well I gave up...LOL....even if I wanted to live it up food wise it was not going to happen....so I went home and had grapes....not wine...LOL...just plain grapes.

Anyway back to the title of this entry.....

My Mom was awesome.....but I am sure that claim isn't different for most of us.  I miss her everyday.  I have been thinking about her more lately.  There have been quick snippets of memories with her that keep popping in my head.  I am not sure if it is Mother's Day or the sale of the family home or getting past the stage of pretending she is in NY.  I wish she was here now when I am finally at a point where I could spend more time with her.  I wish I could call her and ask her to fly down for a few weeks or get in the car and go visit her for a few days.  I don't feel remorse but I do feel a big sense of regret.  If she was just here a few years more we could have had that time .....but I know there is nothing I can do about it now.......

Maybe it is a hard reminder that I need to spend more time with family and friends.  And that is something I plan to do.......I promise.....no more regrets.......

Part of Mom's legacy besides the obvious children, grandchildren and great grandchildren...... was the small sum of money that was left for each of her children.

It's been 4 years but I still have most of that money.  I am using it for special things.....a third earring in my ears, a book fair, a writing seminar, a tank of gas on the way to Welch Ohana family reunion in Missouri......and my membership for Weight Watchers.  Mom continues to give to me......I pay for the membership monthly but it was Mom's money that got me started.  So I have her to thank for putting me on the road which has helped me to lose almost 80 pounds so far from my all time high.  I know she was worried about my weight and my health so even in the end Mom is still helping me......

I am not sure where else her money will take me.....a glass of wine in Italy.......assisting me in getting my book published.....the long anticipated tattoo......something extra on my next car.......or something else for chapter three....can you spell BEACH??

In order to make the money last I just use a small amount for each of my new adventures......if the book seminar is $50 then I use $5 from Mom's legacy as part of it, if the tank of gas was $40 ..Mom chipped in $10.....at this rate I can fulfill so many of my dreams thanks to Mom.

Of course, I would I give it all up for one more hour with Mom.  But fate is not that kind.....so instead I will think of her with every pound I lose or new adventure I pursue when I use just a few dollars from the money she left.....

Thank you Mom for continuing to help my dreams become realities and some day a way off when I reach my goal at WW...it will have been because of you......

And here of course are some of Mom's more obvious legacy......sorry I did not include recent pictures of her great grandchildren......Victoria, Elouise, Zoey, Dominic and Cora

See you next week.......

OK I Am Giving It One More Day.....One Hour At A Time......

I have decided that I need to take my getting healthier efforts one hour at a time a day at a time.  This week my "feelings" were all over the map.  Everything was just "this much" out of kilter.  By Friday at 5:00, I was drained.

I was also worried about weighing in this morning. But I was sure I would not miss the meeting and would stay no matter what the news was at the scale.  I am working on all of me not just the physical part.  Thank goodness I did not have another UP week at the scale.  I didn't make up for the 2 up weeks but did erase some of the gains. I made it to the gym and it felt so good to workout again.....so I guess the endorphin thing is true.

This week's topic at my meeting was "emotions".....it could not have been any more appropriate for me?

Life is full of memorable moments.  I just have had a bunch of reminders and events in the last few weeks that have put me on an emotional roller coaster......from sadness to joy.

Let's get through the rough spots first......
this week was the 4th anniversary of my Mom's Memorial Service .  FB now send you reminders of events from the past. That means I kept getting pictures of that week with my family.  Rolling into Mother's Day just made it a little harder.

FB also reminded me of the passing of a dear friends son 10 years ago.  Eric was too young to leave us but left a lasting impression in our hearts.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my parents house is being sold in a few weeks.

OK now let's get to the GOOD things in life.....

I now have a NEW grand niece....that makes 4 on the girl side and 1 grand nephew holding up his end for the boys.

The flowers are blooming and the herb are growing like crazy. And thank you Debbie for the perfect planter labeled "Donna's Garden" it is perfect for some of my herbs!!

I have started looking for writers workshops and have found some really great options to attend.  Some are a little pricey but we will see.....

I received a AAA magazine this week and what was on the cover....lighthouses......I love lighthouses.  The magazine showed several lighthouses along the North Carolina coast......maybe a trip in the fall to see them???

Life In General:

I know I can appear emotional.....I think there is nothing wrong with wearing your heart on your sleeve......I prefer to think of myself as a passionate person.  I am passionate about everything from family and friends to football.  There are very few things than I sit on the fence about but I also know enough to keep my mouth shut because I could get myself in trouble in at the drop of a hat.....

So here we go.....one hour at a time (in some cases it might be one minute at a time...LOL) day by day.....until I reach my goal...yes I said MY GOAL ...no one else has a say......after all it is all about me.......

See you next week......

I QUIT...........

Those were the 1st words that popped into my head when I got off the scale at WW this morning.......this is 2 weeks of the scale moving up instead of down. NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO WORK !!!!

I suddenly felt like one of the balloons that are marched down Broadway in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  I started to cry and just shut down mentally.  I stood there torn between running out the door or attending the meeting.  I really struggled with that decision. I think the only things that stopped me was all of the following- I didn't want people to see me leaving upset, I might hear something in the meeting that would give me the push I need to go on and maybe just sitting with my WW buddies would help.....they are generous with suggestions, hugs and questions like are you drinking your water, have you been to the gym are you tracking your points and maybe you need to switch up what you are eating......all good questions!!

I stayed for the meeting dabbing at my eyes.  I so want to move in the right direction but I do get tired of thinking about food. In order to be successful I have to think about food.....ugh.....it's a no win situation!!

I drove home still in a funk.  What the hell do I do???? I grabbed a cup of coffee and started to process my morning.

Have I been to the gym as often as I should.....no.....I let life get in the way and some social events.  I don't want to pass up time with family and friends. I am supposed to be enjoying life too ...right??? I will make more of an effort to get to the gym.

Have I been doing my home workouts faithfully.....no to that question too.  Well, tomorrow I will start making sure to get those workouts in too.

Am I doing extra walking.....nope.  OK I do have a few reasons for this one......the number one answer on the list is "fear of falling"....huge fear due to two really bad falls that ended me up with a broken arm and 20 stitches in my face.  I don't think I will ever truly get over that fear.  Due to those falls one knee is shot and the other one not so good either.  Maybe just a few very very careful laps around the cul-de-sac?? And I am going to set up my fitbit so I can make sure I increase my movement.

How about stress??  OK here I have a whole lot going on.....stress at home ......stress at work.......stress trying to figure out the next steps in my life......I know it is not the kind of stress that so many other people have going on in their lives but it is my stress and it is real and it can have am impact on my weight loss each week.  The work stress I can handle.....it is just the nature of the beast and in my line of work the stress especially at month end is just a little over the top.  I have tried to shut down at the end of the day and when the day is over it's over (at least for the most part...LOL).  The stress at home will take time to resolve nothing I can do about that only time will resolve it.

Am I getting enough sleep?? Probably not.....I hate going to bed early but sometimes will then struggle to get up in the morning..I this is something I need to work on.......

Food choices....OK here I know I am doing great with fruits, veggies and protein.  I do tend to eat the same things over and over again.......maybe I do need to switch it up some.  I think I should be losing weight just by what I am passing up.  I have been to 3 social events over the last 3 weeks and what did I have to eat from the food provided......basically nothing....zero......nada.  I brought my own food.  I miss cheese terribly....yes I said terribly.......but it is one of the BIG sacrifices I am willing to make. I gave up soda just over a year ago....every once in a while I want one so bad but have not given in to the craving.

Tracking my food....yes I have been very loyal to tracking my food all day every day.

I know that I have made progress in the way I can move, in the size clothing I wear, my overall health has improved and I need to remember that from my all time high at WW I am down close to 80 pounds.....is this the time to quit????

OK so maybe I was just having a pity party.....maybe I over reacted when I said I was done with all of this focus on losing weight......I know I know the scale does not define me but it sure does like to hit me in the head like a 2 X 4.......

So maybe for today.......I am going to quit.......quit feeling sorry for myself.......quit beating myself up over bad weeks......quit thinking of myself as a failure.....

I need to once again remind myself of where I was and where I would be if I hadn't started WW to begin with......

Thank you to my WW buddies to the hugs and questions and positive words to get me through the meeting.....you have all walked in my shoes so you get it......

I have to remind myself I have gone from here.....and this is not my heaviest.......

To here.......and now I am going to quit?????

I am keeping my fingers crossed next week will be better.....trust me you will not want to read my entry if I am up again next week........and on I go.......my parents did not raise a QUITTER.......

See you next week.......

33 Haven Terrace....."The Old Raboni Home".......

I have known for weeks......no.....months I would eventually write this entry.......filled with memories and maybe a little bit of sadness......

In just a few short weeks for the 1st time in almost 46 years there will not be a Raboni sleeping under the roof at 33 Haven Terrace.  My two nephews, Anthony and Greg, will be starting a new chapter of their lives in Florida with their Mom. The POD arrived today and the packing has begun.......

Let me start from the beginning.....my Dad earned his first big fee as an attorney due to a car accident that happened in the middle of the night.  We were living in a rented 2nd floor apartment in a 2 family house.  Dad collected his fee on Thursday, deposited it in the bank on Friday and by Sunday a down payment had been put on the first home and only home he would ever own.

We moved in July 14, 1970 (LOL I remember the date because it was Bastille Day...LOL how strange is that???).  Dad picked me up from summer school (OK it was for Algebra and I sucked at Algebra). He took me to "the new house".  It wasn't really new.... it had been built in the 40's and additions had been added along the way. Dad left me to wait for the movers while he drove back to the Bronx to collect more of our treasures.  I walked around the entire house inspecting every nook and cranny.  I sat on the stairs looked at the sunken living room and took it all in.....we owned a home.  No more 5th floor walk-ups where 3 of us shared one bedroom.  No more living over someone else and worrying if we were being too noisy.  Three bedrooms, a den and a big backyard.......even at 14 this was a major event for me.

My older brother, George, would end up having the shortest tenure in the house.  He was there for about 18 months.  He resided there long enough to finish his Senior Year of HS, try a little college and then leave from that house to join the Marines.  My younger brother, Greg, lived there the longest of the 4 siblings.  He was 5 when we moved in and stayed until he was 19 and then later ended up buying the home from Mom. My sister, Cheryl was there initially for about 7 years and later moved back in to make it a home for her family for a few years.

As you can see it went through different family members but always a Raboni was living there over all those years.

It was my home from the time I was 14 until I was 26.  A few years later, I bought the house next door and lived there for 13 years.

Does a house have a soul?  No, but a home does. Do you believe the spirits and memories stay within its walls?? I do.

The "old Raboni home" went through a full cycle of life. My daughter, Jenn, was christened there and my Dad died there.  Children left from that home for proms, graduations and weddings. Grandchildren came to visit and hunt for Easter eggs, Thanksgiving dinners for the masses came out of that kitchen and there was nothing more magical than Christmas in my parents home.

When Dad died, the hearse went by and stopped one last time in front of the house.  The last gathering of our family in that house was 4 years ago the weekend of Mom's memorial service.  All of my parents children and grandchildren spent what would be one last weekend together under that roof.

And now the house that went through a variety of colors....from yellow to rust to grayish to white.....that had a fireplace added in the living room and a handmade mahogany bar in what we always called "the back room" are no more. Dad named the back room "the Silver City Saloon".  His reminder the money to redo that room came from a case against Silver City Appliances.  Our dog was named Ruby in honor of the man named Reuben who hit my fathers client and ended up providing Dad with the money to buy our Pearl River home.

I was in New York last June.  I couldn't get myself to go inside the house one last time.  If I did, I would have looked for the height marks drawn by my Dad inside the pantry door to measure his youngest son.  I would have wanted to go in the bedroom my sister and I shared.  I would have wanted to take in the view of the kitchen one last time and picture Mom there coordinating a holiday meal like a general commands his troops. I would have remembered my Dad laying on the couch after he had fallen asleep while reading and staring at the fireplace.  I would have wanted to hear the brass bell Dad would ring in the back room to announce "happy hour" was in session.  Even now it is painful to think about and the tears are flowing.

Goodbye to 33 Haven Terrace......you did well by us.....you were there as we laughed and cried, you watched us grow up and leave, you were the center of our world and the place we all came back to on special occasions.

In my heart, I believe the spirits of George and Irene are still within those walls along with their children and grandchildren who all have memories of laughter, tears and moving on as we all eventually do.

To the new family who will be moving in soon......may this home bring you good times and happiness.

PS my Dad did love to hid money and we kids have done our very best to seek out all of his hiding places but you never know......

See you next week..........

Dad and I in front of the house.....1982

Christmas when my brother, Greg owned the house.

One of the last family meals the weekend on Mom's memorial service......

 

Is This What's It's Like To Feel Normal????

I was getting ready for work Wednesday morning and I realized something........I was not repulsed by the reflection looking back at me while I finished up my makeup and hair.I got dressed and felt good about how I looked.  My clothes were not tight.  My ass didn't look like it was sticking out a mile.  Although I have a long way to go (sorry Jenn but that's the truth.....you can pinch me later for the negative comment), I felt .......what I guess you would call....normal??? It has been so long since I felt anything close to normal that I am not sure if this is how normal feels and regular everyday people feel all the time.....

I ordered some shorts and Capri's....in smaller sizes (this will make my friend, Kathy, happy since she had been referring to my old shorts as culottes and my t shirts as kites). They arrived and guess what.....even though they were another size down......they fit.

I  even ordered  a new bathing suit.  OK this was a biggie since I hate buying bathing suits.  Also, I have always bought them with one simple criteria..........nothing about style or color.....the damn thing just had to fit!!

Well I decided to be a little adventurous.......I ordered a tankini.....good Lord not a bikini ( I gave those up by the time I was 17).  The bottom looks like a pair of black shorts (not long shorts but the shorter kind).  The top is floral print with a place to tie it at the bottom to adjust to your comfort level.  I tried it on and it fit.  It not only fit but shock of shocks......it looked good.  I came out in the kitchen to get Jenn's opinion and she loved it!! It covers the top of my legs but not too much.  The top lands right below my stomach and doesn't accent my stomach, hips or ass.  I liked it so much I may order navy shorts and another color print top......just waiting for another sale.

Another new normal,  I went to an event alone and didn't feel uncomfortable as I walked though a room of people I didn't know. I must be growing up.......

I am guessing that most people don't worry about how they look all the time.....or worry about going some place alone......or need to celebrate the small victories......

I know I am no bathing beauty but just feeling good about my reflection is such a major step for me.....just about everyone I know will concur with this statement.

Today (Saturday), I also did my spring trip to Lowes......I walked and walked......tonight I am feeling wiped out.......my hips and kness would strangle me if they were my hands.  My back is aching from the time I spent in the kitchen prepping my veggies for the week.  Tomorrow (Sunday) is planting day.  Herbs, flowers, hanging baskets will all find their place for the rest of the spring and summer.  The wind chimes will be back outside where they belong. Jenn took down one of the shrubs by our AC unit that had died and tomorrow she told me I can "help" her with the other shrub that needs to be removed. Then we will figure out something to block the view of the AC unit........I am not quite sure what it will be.....hhhhhhmmmmmm....... We made one more trip to Lowes for a few more plants to put around the AC.....it's not perfect but it will do for now.

Oh and I have a great new wreath on my front door!! My friend Crickett and her daughter made me a flip flop wreath.....I love it....it is so me and they knew it screamed DONNA.  Poor Crickett.....so many people saw the wreath and loved it.......she is probably up to her eyeballs in flip flops right now......


See you next week......

Trying To Be More Flexible and Say Yes.......

As most of you know "flexible" is NOT my middle name.  I can come up with an excuse to get out of anything.......almost anything that is.....

As I work to spread my wings, I am trying to say yes to more to activities or events.  I have said yes to doing things on Saturday instead of treating it like the holy grail of days.  My normal through process was I work all week and the weekend is to catch up.......not always much fun.  Guess what I found out??? You can shop on Friday night instead of waiting until Saturday......you can pay your bills during the week (in the evening of course)........I can go to the gym on days other than Saturday and Sunday.

I decided to take part in opportunities offered to me the last three weekends. And guess what???? We still had groceries in the house and the bills got paid.

A few weeks ago, I went to visit a friend without much notice.......so unlike me.  Last weekend, I went to my niece's baby shower.  I didn't stress over what I was not getting done at home.  Yesterday, I drove more than 6 hours round trip to go to a very sweet little girl's 6th birthday party.  Oh and on the way while in my "I should be smelling the roses more" mindset.....we stopped at South Of the Border.  I have passed this place too many times to count but decided to take the time to get off of 95 and see what the place was like......LOL....... it was just as tacky and old and funny and entertaining as I expected it to be.  When the water tower says SOB you know you are not at the NY Hilton.

Next week, I am going to a friends birthday celebration.....alone.  I am getting used to that too.  There was a time when I hated going by myself. I  am now getting more comfortable as a single. Note: that says as a single NOT being single (big difference legally). I am learning to face events and issues and the only consideration is  based on what "Donna" wants to do and that has been a long time coming.

Whether it be my 1st bra fitting or trying on SPANX or going to Easter service at a funeral home or going to a class on memoir writing at a bar on a Saturday morning.......I have done these all by myself.  Getting comfortable within my own skin (saggy as it may be THANK GOD FOR SPANX) is something I continue to push myself to do.

My mental transformation is probably bigger than my physical transformation.  Yes, I still have my down days when other people can reduce me to tears but I think I am bouncing back faster.  I do not allow other people to take my happiness away as easily anymore.

I can't pretend the physical changes hasn't boosted my confidence....of course it has......but knowing I am getting healthier physically and mentally is what I have needed for so long.

I know I still put too much focus on the scale (which today hit a new low for me...yay me) but changing a mindset that has been existence for over 40 years is almost impossible.

The blessing of family and friends who continue to support me through my journey is something without which I could not succeed.  I know that and I want to make sure they know that......YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.....whether is be a sibling, family member, a dear friend or a coworker who really cares........if I never lost another pound they would still be in my cheering section. But being honest............. without pushing forward .........the time I would have with them would be dimished and that would be a loss for them and me!!

I read somewhere (and I am not sure where it was...sorry)...."Life is not as much fun from the sidelines"......well I am finally done being a bench warmer.....watch out world I am finally getting in the game......

See you next week.......