Working from the extremities in......

First, I need to share a quote that one of my WW buddies (thank you Stephanie) sent to me to keep me going this week.....

"If I quit now I will soon be back to where I started and when I started I was desperate to get to where I am now."

How true are those words......when I started I would have given my eye teeth to have lost as much as I have so far.  The kind of support I get at my weekly meetings is priceless. The support from family and friends is invaluable. Getting texts and messages during the week keep me motivated.

OK back to the title of this entry.......

I now have what I think are normal looking hands and fingers (yes, they are worn and have wrinkles but they look like those of anyone my age.....actually they look a lot like my Mom's).  My hands don't look fat or puffy or swollen.

My ankles and feet look normal. I have had to move the buckle on my sandals in a notch or two smaller.  My ankles look like ankles should (which means smaller than my calves).  My feet don't look puffy either.  On a rare occasion they swell due to the heat or sitting too long. But other than that they look normal 95% of the time.  This did not used to be the case.....it used to be hard to tell if they were swollen or fat.

I have collar bones....real honest to goodness collar bones.....like everyone else.  They are defined and no longer hidden.  I have a neck too....not just something on which my head sits.  When I wear a necklace it actually hangs like it should and doesn't fit or look like a choker.  My face is not as round as it was....there is more definition to it now.

My biggest problem areas......thighs, butt, stomach (basically my whole torso) have had some changes but not as much as the others I have mentioned.  Eventually, they will change too but may always be somewhat out of proportion.

The physical changes are not the most important changes though......it is the changes that are taking place inside. My healthier lifestyle is front and center.  Adding years to my life is what I have done for me. Overall improved health and feeling better on a daily basis is what matters most........

Who doesn't want to look good or buy off the rack in a "normal" store .......but now what really matters is time and the ability to enjoy that time doing things I want to do.....(I can't wait to zip line...LOL)

How much better a gift can a person give themselves than life........ a good life.......a chance to create memories....an opportunity for new adventures.......as one of the characters in one of my favorite movies "City Slickers" said.....you can have a do-over in life......I can't go back and fix the lost or wasted years but..........

Chapter Three.....is my do-over and it is going to be one hell of a journey.......

See you next week.........

The Battle of the Bulge Continues......

I am about to lose my mind.......I feel overwhelmed.....frustrated......fed up.......disgusted.........like a failure.........bewildered.........confused.......depressed..........

But like a candle in the darkness.........way inside my brain.......and heart is a little tiny glimpse of hope that refuses to give in.......

I guess you can tell how my weigh in went today.

I got off the scale and said out loud....."I am done!!" Some of my WW buddies standing there said "No, you are not!" I texted Jenn and said "I give up!!" Her response was basically "get your ass into the seat at that meeting." I stayed and listened and thought and finally I spoke.  Another member was talking about her frustrations with gaining instead of losing.  I told her I could understand since I have had a few rough weeks myself.  Stress at work, upcoming changes in my life and not exercising enough (partly due to my work schedule) has put me in this ugly dark place.

I start to doubt if I can really do this and be successful (whatever that means to me and no one else).  My WW buddies encouraged me to hang in there and they hugged me.  I told the class about what is coming up for me and how it is weighing on me both emotionally and physically.

Sometimes things happen at the right time......on my FB memories page a picture of me from 3 years ago popped up today.  OK there was the visual reminder of how I have changed physically.  Mentally and in my heart the battle continues.  I knew looking at that picture I don't want to go back there.  But I am also afraid.......I have seen how easily just a few pounds can sneak back on you.  I am just talking about a few pounds but it just pushes my further away from my goal (not WW's goal but mine).

I knew after I had time to think about it I can't quit but how do you move forward when your feet are stuck in quicksand????

I have to figure it out.......the changes will come and go......the weather will cool off.......I will get back to the gym.......and the scale WILL start to move in the right direction again......I have to believe it or I couldn't face tomorrow.  The mental and physical pain are very real and I am so tired of hurting.  I have to believe I am struggling for a reason.  We do have to crawl before we walk......we can't enjoy a mountain top unless we have been in a valley (oh how I love that phrase!!!).

Today, I recommit to my effort for a healthier lifestyle again for the zillionth time......I am not going to post how much I am up or down....unless I hit some noteworthy number because in all honesty who besides me really cares about the number that is my gravitational pull on the earth.  My family and friends want me to succeed but they really don't need to know the numbers......they will be there as they have been all along pushing me, dragging me, walking with me, cheering me and sometimes holding me up when I don't think I can take another step.......and for that I am eternally grateful!!!

In order for this entry to not be totally depressing (LOL)....let me tell you about some of the roses I have stopped to smell recently......

Today I held a baby.....it made me laugh as she smiled at me and held my finger.....so peaceful as she fell asleep on my shoulder.

Jenn bought me a notebook the cover is gold glitter and it cost $1.49 and some Bic pens in a variety of colors for 97 cents.......she said they are to write about my future......my plans and hopes and dreams and hopefully things that will turn into realities......

I have gifts from friends that I look at and smile......a flip flop wreath, a mouse pad with flip flops (see a recurring theme here...LOL), a tiara, some chop sticks and a $3 light house sitting on my counter.....

I have gone back to cooking a variety of veggies for the week so my fridge is full of good options right at my finger tips.

I have promised myself that I will continue to stop and notice the small things in life that matter.  The numbers on the scale will go down but I need to be part of the parade of life instead of just an observer or critic.  There are people far worse off than me and I need to remember that......

Here are some of the simple pleasures that I appreciate......

A gold glitter notebook....

Some Bic pens in a variety of colors.....

A pair of chopsticks (one of my goals is learning to use them....LOL)

A flip flop wreath.......

The girl I used to be and the one I am now.....

 See you next week.......

What Can I Say About An Orange and Other Stuff.....

I hate oranges.  Wait correct that statement.......I used to hate oranges.  Actually it wasn't so much oranges......it was peeling oranges.  How lazy can a person be???? I also do not like oranges with seeds.  Guess what......there is such a things as seedless oranges!! I knew I needed to kick it up a notch with fruits.  I am great with veggies in fact there are very few I do not like.

I have been buying seedless oranges and peeling them as soon as I bring them home.  I put each one in a zip lock sandwich bag in the fridge.  When I am ready to eat an orange I can just grab one and am good to go.

Why can't my desire for a healthy happier life be as simple??

Each Sunday, I stress out on my way to my weigh in.  I review my week and the choices I have made.  Most times I walk in feeling like I had a good week.  Today, I was sure I would be down......and I was.....just not as much as I thought I would be.  I have given up trying to figure out how much the scale will move.  Today at my meeting we discussed this very issue.  First, it is not a race.  Any movement of the scale downward is good.  Yes, they say you can lose "an average of 1-2 pounds a week".  Who do you know has consistently lost 1-2 pounds a week......very, very few. Sticking with the plan is not always easy and takes thought and preserverance.  You have to be willing to fight through the plateau's and even worse the up weeks. We discussed portion control which is key to success.  Portion control means it is not a free-for-all regarding foods that are zero points. Yes, that means just because grapes are zero points you cannot eat a pound of them in one sitting......same with veggies.

We were asked what food had it been the hardest for us to control or try to minimize or not eat on a daily basis?  For me the answer was so easy........CHEESE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE cheese.......I adore cheese.......I am a cheeseaholic.  I miss cheese.  If there was only one food I could eat for the rest of my life.....you got it.....cheese!!! I miss it and think of it as an old friend who might not have helped me make the right choices.  Was it cheese alone that got me to my heaviest weight....NO!! But did cheese play a part.....YES.  I was in denial about the amount of cheese I ate......huge denial.

Now my life is about oranges and grapes and brussels sprouts and I love them all.......but no where near as much as my beloved cheese.

In order to become the best I can be cheese had to be removed or limited greatly in my life.  While oranges have taken it's place I would still kill to have a pound of American Cheese.  Well at least they are both the same color.....

Each day I set out to fulfill my dreams of a healthier Donna. And as Chapter 3 of my life moves closer and closer I know some of the sacrifices I have had to make will lead me to reap the benefits in added years.

One more thing, I pulled a pair of shorts out of the closet today.  I bought them last summer.  They were very loose....almost too loose......and that's what I need once in a while....a visual reminder of where I have been and where I am going.

Here's to the next 7 days......which I take one day at a time......here's to zucchini and grapes and brussels sprouts......here's to portion control.......here's to loose shorts and nightshirts that now are falling off of me.

Here is to life .......and each minute I am adding to my life with any tiny movement of the scale downward......so I guess that also means......here's to the oranges too.......

See you next week........

Switching Things Up.......

Sometimes you need to shake things up a little. It can help break through the plateau's.

I will admit I have been lazy lately about cooking.  I have been taking the easy way out.  All I have been eating as far as veggies is tomato's and cukes.  Easy prep and easy to grab on the run.

After today's meeting (actually during today's meeting) I decided  it was time to get back to more variety.....and a little more effort.  I texted my daughter who was doing the grocery shopping with some additional items for the shopping list: snow peas, edamame, cauliflower, broccoli and zucchini.  I also asked her to get a can of crushed pineapple and some greek yogurt.  One of my WW buddies told me she uses the WW shake with milk, yogurt and pineapple and it tastes like a pina colada......that's worth a try!!!!

I have spent the afternoon prepping the veggies.  I took out  my steamer and have been running the assorted veggies through it.  I took all of the edamame out of its pods so I can eat it as a snack. I made some turkey meatloaves in a brownie pan so they are all the same size. I get 12 mini meatloaves per tray. I feel like I am ready for the week.  I hope this will be the jumpstart to help that damn number move down on the scale.

I had a good week at the scale but as I have said  in previous posts the slowness is KILLING ME !!!!! I need to try to get to the gym more I am sure that will help.  I have to be more dedicated to the excercises I can do sitting in my chair while I work.  Living in SC in July does not bode well for outside excercise (even any kind of walking).  I went to a meeting this weekend and walking was involved. I broke it up into shorter portions but it is NOT something I enjoy.  I had to do the walking to get from meeting to meeting.  My fear of falling is also front and center.  My arthritis filled knees want to strangle me.  The humidity plays with my asthma.  But I didn't give up......I am just the turtle in the race.

I know July  4th is barely in our rear view mirror but I look forward to the fall and the cooler weather.  In SC, that means Thanksgiving......

There are some changes not too far down the road for me.  I am hoping those changes will take some of the stress out of my life.  I have heard that stress can have an impact on weight loss. Going through those changes will be emotional and stressful. I will have to have a pep talk with my fat and sing a few verses of "Let It Go".

As my life's journey continues with all of it's twists and turns, the time coming up shortly will be the most challenging I have experienced so far for a number of reasons.  I may go off the meter emotionally some days and be in total control others.  I know I will come out on the other side a happier person.......I just have to get through it and no one can do it for me.  I will lean on my friends and family as I need to.  There may be anger and fear and frustration and resentment.......don't I sound like someone you will want to be around????

As one of my family members you have no options but to put up with me through this process.  And  if you signed on to be my friend you have to take the good with the bad......sorry!!!!

Thanks for traveling with me......as I walk along this road called life....it is great to have company by my side.....and I wouldn't have it any other way......

See you next week.....

Finding " The Zone"......Again

When I am in "the zone" I am unstoppable !! The hard part is staying there.....

Like a baseball player on a hitting streak, "the zone" is where I can fight off temptations, make the right choices with ease and feel confident.

When a baseball player is in a slump it can be ugly and feel like it is lasting forever. Fighting to stay in the zone is a tough battle.  It is a battle I fight every single day!!

The beginning of the journey is easy. At least it was for me.  The pounds seemed to fly off.  I would read about people taking years to hit goal even when they had smaller amounts to lose than me. I wondered what was their problem? Why was it that the weight wasn't just falling off them?  I thought I would/could hit goal in no time.  NOT !!

After a while, your body starts to fight back and holds on to the fat for dear life.  You get bored.  You get fed up. You get tired of thinking about food and not thinking about food.  You get tired of 1 pound down and 1 pound up.  You start to think am I ever going to lose my next 5 pounds????

When you have lost a lot of weight you hit what I think of as the danger zone......you get cocky......you think I've got this........you lose your focus.......you fall out of "the zone".

Getting back into "the zone" takes work and desire and the willingness to admit you CANNOT do this alone. It would help to see a week with a good loss.....but as much as you can control what you take into your body.....you cannot always control how your body reacts to what you take in. Your body has a mind of it's own.  You just have to keep trying. It means reminding yourself that eventually there will be breakthrough weeks to offset the ups, plateaus and the weeks of neither losing or gaining.

While working to get back into "the zone" you must find the positives!! Look at how far you have come, look at the great feedback from your doctor, look at the mobility you now have, look at how you don't have to ask for a table vs. a booth, look at the clothes getting too big  and think about where you would be if you hadn't started to focus on yourself, your weight and your health........

My desires are small.....I just want to lose another 5 pounds.......nothing more......I cannot focus on anything more than that.....just 5 lousy pounds......and then the next 5 and the next 5.......

I look back at old pictures and that does give me the extra push I need to continue on......taking it one day, one hour and even one minute at a a time.......

Have a Happy 4th of July !!!

See you next week.........

Seeing The World in a Variety of Ways.....

When I got in the shower this morning I thought to myself .......WOW.....things look so clear!!! Then I thought "of course they do you ass......you still have your glasses on!!!"

Oh for the days of getting out of bed and not having to do things like put on my eyeglasses, take my med's, I need my glasses on to apply my makeup but can't have them on during the application process so it is a challenge.  I hold a mirror very, very close to me while I make myself up.  I do NOT use the magnifying side of the mirror because the view scares the hell out of me......

In some ways I am regressing....kind of.....I get in the shower without my glasses on and shave my legs.  I think I have done a good job and then I get out in the sunlight and see I have missed a spot or two.  Now I use Nair on my legs.  Picture me rubbing Nair on my legs and sitting on the side of the tub for several minutes while the smell of Nair fills the air and I wait for it to work it's magic.  I also have to remember not to use the towel that I dry my legs with on my wet hair from the shampoo and shower.  I don't need the hair falling out of my head in addition to legs......the things we take for granted......

It does take  take a long time to get my hair to look like I have a normal amount (I can see you all staring at my hair the next time you see me). The good news is I have these new wisps of hair growing in and my hair does seem to be getting fuller.


I wear bras with underwrires to keep the girls up and separated and away from my waist.  I wear Spanx to make things not jiggle and stay in place.....and look flatter and firmer.....


On the plus side of the ledger......

I had a great Dr. visit this week.....so much good news......great numbers on all of my blood work and less focus on med's.  We also talked about the goal WW has set for me.  He agreed getting to the same weight I was as a senior in HS was not likely.  We set a more achievable, realistic goal.  And when I get close to that number he said he will write me a letter to support the fact based on his opinion and my overall health my goal should be adjusted.  He said he has done this a number of times for his patients.  It made me feel great that the goal we set while still quite a distance away is achievable and not as overwhelming to get too.

I had an exhausting week at work but made it to Friday.  The days were long but I now have the energy and the ability to push through.  In all honesty though by Friday night ......I felt my age....and Saturday I did very little......I needed the day to recharge.  In my line of work, month end (which now lasts about 2 weeks) is rough and this time of year is one of our super busy times as everyone with children wants to close during the summer so their kiddies can start the next school year in their new location. I understand it but OMG it can be constant and with long days and minimal breaks.  Plus add in the fact that like everyone else we have a lot of vacation time requests during these months.......but as I said the good news was I made it through and I think my improved overall health had something to do with it........oh and lots and lots of coffee.......

I was down at the scale today......not a lot ......but down none the less. There was a lot of discussion about plateau's today and how long they can last.  We also talked about regaining what we have lost and how to prevent it.  I asked the class who had lost and regained weight? Everyone raised their hand.  This is one of the challenges we all face......I am confident that I finally understand that this is a lifestyle and not a diet.  Although the plateau's  and roller coasters of my effort will continue.......I will never go back to where I was at the start of this journey....never .....ever.

My next challenges are there is no class next week and I will be at a writing  seminar the following weekend. I will find time to weigh in at some point but will miss at least one weekly class. The old Donna would have thought "gee I don't have to get on the scale for 2-3 weeks.....I can relax and eat what I want and still have time to get back on track before I get on the scale again"......nope not happening.....I have worked too darn hard this time to play those kinds of games with my head and my health.

Another good thing....a short work week....WOO HOO .....I am looking forward to the long weekend coming up......

As I roll into a new week, I feel renewed focus and determination. I am grateful to wake up each morning. I am grateful to see the improvement in my health.  I am also belssed to have the  support of my family and friends.

Grateful and blessed......how lucky can a girl get.......

See you next week.......

Frustrations....Memories...Laughter......Goodbye

Frustrations on the Roller Coaster......

Trying to pass that elusive 80 pounds down overall is a exercise in futility.  Up some down some up some down some....lose a pound gain a pound.  Can you guess how my weigh in went this morning??? Ugh !! I didn't cry but I am extremely frustrated!! Is it too much salt , is it too many things with water, is it the heat causing my body to hold on to water, is it stress (dear God my stress level at home alone could cause anyone to not lose), am I not exercising enough, am I not eating enough, is the aspirin I take causing an issue???

I have been tracking what I eat and I think about it a lot.  One of my buddies suggested figuring out 5 breakfasts, lunches and dinners knowing the point value of each.  Then choosing from those each day.  I have not been structuring my daily eating and have just been eating (within my points) when I am hungry,  Dinner's have been late due to working later.  I am going to give it a try and see how it goes.

Another member in my class also shared something that stuck with me.  She was at one time ranked the number #1 tennis player in the state.  She said the winning was easy but her coach told her she would learn more from the times she lost.  She said when she hit a slide she learned to rethink think instead of just staying with her old ways of winning.  What a great analogy......

So here I sit refiguring how to move ahead.....I will pass the 80 pounds and then 90 pounds and then 100 pounds and someday to goal.

I just needed a few hours to get up off the floor, dust myself off and start again.  I am tired of thinking about food and weight loss but if I don't think about it where would I be?

I am feeling a little down.....had a minor pity party.....I am now sucking it up and moving on.......I am not ready to give up the battle by a long shot.....

Memories.....

Father's Day conjures up so many memories.  I had an amazing Dad!!!

When I think of him I remember:
-the Dad who took his 2nd grade daughter to lunch at a diner when my other siblings were sick
-the Dad who tolerated his young daughter staying up to keep him company on long rides home from visiting relatives.....everyone else would fall asleep but I worried about Dad having to stay awake....so I would put my hand on his shoulder and talk to him (I am sure he was thinking "why doesn't this kid fall asleep" and I guess seat belts were not in vogue then either)
-the dad who made me believe he could change traffic lights
-the Dad who took his high school freshman daughter to a Father-Daughter Dance
-the Dad who took his daughter for a drink at on New Years Eve while waiting for pizza to take home for dinner on the last day of his job as an attorney for an insurance company he had been associated with for years he talked about his severance package with his grown up daughter
-the Dad who picked up me up in his Corvette when I worked in lower Manhattan- the next day my coworkers wanted to know who they guy was that I kissed hello and jumped into his sports car......they were shocked that it was my Dad
-the Dad who could sometimes read my mind and what I was thinking
-the Dad who sat up late and helped me cram for an exam in college
-the Dad who said the night before my wedding "I am going to miss having you around here"
-the Dad who always shared with his children when he settled a big case
-the Dad who during one of my last conversations with him told me "to take good care of Jenn"....(although he had nicknamed her Priscilla)
-the Dad who taught me toughness, determination, generosity, a love of Christmas and so much more
-the Dad that was gone far too soon but still exists in my daughter who can look over her glasses at me like Dad did......who sometimes sticks her tongue out of the side of her mouth when she is concentrating on something she writes.........he is still here
-the Dad that I have missed for over 31 years but think of everyday with love and warm mem

Dad and me....1956

Laughter.....

Yesterday, there was a bad storm that hit part of Columbia, SC.  We lost power and Internet access.  Not something you want to happen when you work from home.  I texted my boss and told her I would be working off my phone.  She said  that was fine or I could use my hot spot.  Hot spot???? What the hell is a hot spot????? I called my daughter who explained how I could use my phone and still use my laptop and continue to work.  Thank goodness before I go too involved in the process the power and Internet were back!!  Hot spot......really??? OK I have to admit I felt just a little out of the loop and old.....I have heard of hot flashes and some "other" kinds of spots but not a hot spot.........although I guess the spot I had heard about might be a "hot" spot too.....and Jenn is rolling here eyes at me as I am reading this to her......I guess TMI.......LOL......

Goodbye......

One of my WW buddies son passed away suddenly this week.  Her son also attended WW.  He was the guy who would give you a high 5 when you had a good week, he would make you laugh with his funny comments, he had a smile that wouldn't quit and an aura about him that just made you feel good!! I have been processing the news of his passing and just feel sad. When I get on the scale each week I will picture him giving me that high 5 or having an encouraging word if it wasn't a great week.  He may be gone but not forgotten.......I will see you again.......until then soar high and farewell......

See you next week.......