It's All Relative.......

Many times my sister and I would have conversations. We would discuss things that might be going wrong.  Once of us would say "I feel bad about complaining about (fill in the blank)".  I would normally say "well, everything is relative"  meaning what may be an issue in my life may not be an issue in yours.  Something that I see as a big problem or challenge may seem minuscule to someone else.

As things continue to evolve in my life I have to be honest I look at everyone else's lives with rose colored glasses.  I do feel shallow when I envy someone with a new car, a beautiful home, a couple with an amazing relationship, someone going on a fabulous vacation, someone who doesn't have to worry about the next major bill that might show up and on and on.......

It's not that I begrudge them what they have earned or worked so hard for......but......I do think to myself sometimes.....when does it get to be my turn??? It's not really a pity party is just the feeling that I too have worked hard and want to reap some of the benefits of my hard work.

Well, life doesn't work that way.......who ever said it is fair and everyone lives happily ever after??? Change is hard.......life is hard......moving ahead is hard.......some days getting out of bed is hard.

The journey I have chosen to take is mine.  I have to figure it out.  I have to work through the changes.  I have to learn and grow.  I have to learn to depend on me more than I have up until now.

I have talked about Chapter 3 for a few years now. I couldn't wait fot it to get going and now that it is finally happening and guess what......it is scaring the shit out of me.

Also, my battle for a healthier life is mind boggling.  My pals keep reminding me that it has its ups and downs.......nothing worth having is that easy....right?

I known I didn't just wake up one morning fat........the sad part is I didn't even enjoy getting there.  You would think I would have at least enjoyed all that cheese...I know there are those who think I got so fat by eating whole pizza's and gallons of ice cream but that is not the case and that's the God's honest truth!!! The only food I can truly say I did over eat was ........yes, you guessed it cheese.....no denying that....I am a cheeseaholic (even though I no longer eat anywhere close to the amount of cheese I did before like an alcoholic you are always one)......I will always be a cheeseaholic even though I now go days without eating it....is it totally out of my diet.......no.....but thinking I used to be the person who could easily go through 2  plus pounds of cheese a week......I have come so far.

I have had so much support in the past few years as I try to get healthy.  I have an amazing bunch of people in my Sunday morning class.  They are so encouraging and won't let me quit even when I have had enough.  And when I don't want to think about one more pound or one more weigh in or tracking my food one more day they are there to push me ahead.  They have also threatened to find me if I didn't show up for a meeting.

Today's topic was about "weigh ins".  It is true that I get tired of guessing what my efforts for the week have done and how they are reflected on the scale.  I obviously avoided the scale for years when I was on my way up and now the scale can either be my friend or my enemy depending on the number I see on the way down.

A healthier life plays so much a part of Chapter 3 that I have to push on......it would be unfortunate to finally move into the next phase of my life and was not in good enough shape to really enjoy it.

One of my WW buddy gave me a little angel today.  I have it as a reminder to keep the faith and remember there are angels watching over me.

One of my former coworkers posted a photo from about 13-15 years ago.  I can hardly recognize myself.  But there I was smiling through the pain.  The pain is very real and pops up when I least expect it.  It is something I have carried with me for many, many years.  It is still there but very,very gradually fading and the smile is becoming more sincere.

As I said in the title "it's all relative"  what matter most to me may not be the same for others.  They might think really??? That's you problem???

Then once in a while something happens out of the blue.  This week a coworker in her 40's with a young daughter lost her battle with cancer.  After hearing that news I felt so many emotions......anger, sadness and a hatred for friggin cancer. I felt embarrassed in the fact that I am so self-absorbed when I think of Mary and the way she battled. I am going to name my little angel Mary after one of my hero's.

I think Mary would understand my frustration and selfishness and my battle although it is so different from the walk she walked these last few years.  We all have our own demons.  Mine biggest demon is about the battle for health and weight and life.

I am choosing life.......

See you next week......

Today I Can.......and Facing Fear....

Once again one of my WW pals (YAY...Stefanie) bought a bracelet with the words..."Today I Can"..... I just ordered one.....I need the visual reminder that I can do this....what ever "this" is.....

You all realize part of writing this blog serves as therapy for me.....I get my thoughts and feelings on paper.  In all honesty, I do hold back some.  I do not want you to see too much of the dark side.  This is not supposed to a depressing blog.....it is supposed to be hopeful and for the most part it is......

A friend did point out to me that fear is something that has an impact on my life.

Fear of falling.....fear of failure.....fear of of being alone......fear of my future.....

See a common thread here????

We can eliminate the easy one first....fear of falling.  Two bad falls one leading to a broken arm and another where my face connected with cement .......it is easy to see why I am afraid of falling.  An embarrassing fall in front of a friend and the struggle to get up is what lead me to WW.  I guess things do happen for a reason......right?  The struggle to get up after falling while  wading in the ocean was another memorable moment including the long struggle to get back to the stairs leading away from the beach to be able to stand up.....how do you spell humiliation???? Again another reason to head to WW. I recently fell in my home.  I tripped over the front door sill....really??? I sat on the floor and thought now what?  I can kneel but the pain due to arthritis in my knees is pretty bad and I had nothing to cushion my knees within my reach.  I maneuvered my way around looking for an option on how to get up. I thought to myself at some point in the near future I will be living alone (and it's not like someone could help me anyway).  I realized if I couldn't get off the floor while I was alone......I couldn't live alone.  That thought was all I needed to get my ass in gear.  I slid over to the love-seat, pulled the cushions off and after a few tries I hoisted myself onto the love-seat sans the cushions. From there it was easy to get up.  I am very careful now about watching my step......I am clumsy for sure.

Fear of failure.....
I have worked so hard but some days don't know if I will ever hit my goal. I am hoping some stress relief heading my way soon will give my body the extra push to stop this game it is playing with me. My frustrations are a struggle.  I am trying hard to work through it.  My determination shows when I stay at a Sunday meeting even though I am not seeing the results I desire. My determination shows when I come home and try a new dish in order to jazz things up.  My desire to not to fail is evident in the fact I haven't quit WW, my meetings or watching what I eat.  I have already planned another day at the gym this week and I was there Friday night too(which also could lead to comments that I really don't have much of a life since I had nothing to do but go to the gym on a Friday night...LOL). I CANNOT FAIL......I pray about it every night......I think about it every day.

Fear of being alone and fear of the future walk hand in hand......
I have never lived alone.  I also hate the unknown.  I am picturing waking up in the morning alone, in the middle of the night alone, in a thunderstorm alone and in a power failure alone. There is something in knowing someone is nearby that makes a difference. BUT if I don't face my fears and as I was told recently "I let fear run my life"........ my life will be at a standstill.  If I really want to live out my dreams I must face my fears.  At times I feel like I am the only one who feels this way.  And I also feel very alone. I think I talk a good game but now I have to walk the walk and that can be tough (especially with my falling history......but then again I have been getting up instead of staying down.....right??).

Worry and fear are linked in my mind and heart......I have to believe I have the strength, will and desire to face them all and move ahead to fulfill my hopes and plans for the future.

If I let the fears and worries stop me.....I only have myself to blame.  Plus, I don't mind occasionally proving the doubters out there wrong.......

One more thing......Jenn went to the Fresh Market this week and brought me a surprise.  It was a salad made up of cucumbers, tomatoes, kalamata (sp) olives, peppers, red onion, chic peas and edamame with some light Italian salad dressing.  It was amazing....but not cheap.  Last night, I recreated it on my own....how is this for yummy.......

On to next week....facing fears and worries but in my head and heart also thinking "TODAY I CAN"....

See you next week......

Working from the extremities in......

First, I need to share a quote that one of my WW buddies (thank you Stephanie) sent to me to keep me going this week.....

"If I quit now I will soon be back to where I started and when I started I was desperate to get to where I am now."

How true are those words......when I started I would have given my eye teeth to have lost as much as I have so far.  The kind of support I get at my weekly meetings is priceless. The support from family and friends is invaluable. Getting texts and messages during the week keep me motivated.

OK back to the title of this entry.......

I now have what I think are normal looking hands and fingers (yes, they are worn and have wrinkles but they look like those of anyone my age.....actually they look a lot like my Mom's).  My hands don't look fat or puffy or swollen.

My ankles and feet look normal. I have had to move the buckle on my sandals in a notch or two smaller.  My ankles look like ankles should (which means smaller than my calves).  My feet don't look puffy either.  On a rare occasion they swell due to the heat or sitting too long. But other than that they look normal 95% of the time.  This did not used to be the case.....it used to be hard to tell if they were swollen or fat.

I have collar bones....real honest to goodness collar bones.....like everyone else.  They are defined and no longer hidden.  I have a neck too....not just something on which my head sits.  When I wear a necklace it actually hangs like it should and doesn't fit or look like a choker.  My face is not as round as it was....there is more definition to it now.

My biggest problem areas......thighs, butt, stomach (basically my whole torso) have had some changes but not as much as the others I have mentioned.  Eventually, they will change too but may always be somewhat out of proportion.

The physical changes are not the most important changes though......it is the changes that are taking place inside. My healthier lifestyle is front and center.  Adding years to my life is what I have done for me. Overall improved health and feeling better on a daily basis is what matters most........

Who doesn't want to look good or buy off the rack in a "normal" store .......but now what really matters is time and the ability to enjoy that time doing things I want to do.....(I can't wait to zip line...LOL)

How much better a gift can a person give themselves than life........ a good life.......a chance to create memories....an opportunity for new adventures.......as one of the characters in one of my favorite movies "City Slickers" said.....you can have a do-over in life......I can't go back and fix the lost or wasted years but..........

Chapter Three.....is my do-over and it is going to be one hell of a journey.......

See you next week.........

The Battle of the Bulge Continues......

I am about to lose my mind.......I feel overwhelmed.....frustrated......fed up.......disgusted.........like a failure.........bewildered.........confused.......depressed..........

But like a candle in the darkness.........way inside my brain.......and heart is a little tiny glimpse of hope that refuses to give in.......

I guess you can tell how my weigh in went today.

I got off the scale and said out loud....."I am done!!" Some of my WW buddies standing there said "No, you are not!" I texted Jenn and said "I give up!!" Her response was basically "get your ass into the seat at that meeting." I stayed and listened and thought and finally I spoke.  Another member was talking about her frustrations with gaining instead of losing.  I told her I could understand since I have had a few rough weeks myself.  Stress at work, upcoming changes in my life and not exercising enough (partly due to my work schedule) has put me in this ugly dark place.

I start to doubt if I can really do this and be successful (whatever that means to me and no one else).  My WW buddies encouraged me to hang in there and they hugged me.  I told the class about what is coming up for me and how it is weighing on me both emotionally and physically.

Sometimes things happen at the right time......on my FB memories page a picture of me from 3 years ago popped up today.  OK there was the visual reminder of how I have changed physically.  Mentally and in my heart the battle continues.  I knew looking at that picture I don't want to go back there.  But I am also afraid.......I have seen how easily just a few pounds can sneak back on you.  I am just talking about a few pounds but it just pushes my further away from my goal (not WW's goal but mine).

I knew after I had time to think about it I can't quit but how do you move forward when your feet are stuck in quicksand????

I have to figure it out.......the changes will come and go......the weather will cool off.......I will get back to the gym.......and the scale WILL start to move in the right direction again......I have to believe it or I couldn't face tomorrow.  The mental and physical pain are very real and I am so tired of hurting.  I have to believe I am struggling for a reason.  We do have to crawl before we walk......we can't enjoy a mountain top unless we have been in a valley (oh how I love that phrase!!!).

Today, I recommit to my effort for a healthier lifestyle again for the zillionth time......I am not going to post how much I am up or down....unless I hit some noteworthy number because in all honesty who besides me really cares about the number that is my gravitational pull on the earth.  My family and friends want me to succeed but they really don't need to know the numbers......they will be there as they have been all along pushing me, dragging me, walking with me, cheering me and sometimes holding me up when I don't think I can take another step.......and for that I am eternally grateful!!!

In order for this entry to not be totally depressing (LOL)....let me tell you about some of the roses I have stopped to smell recently......

Today I held a baby.....it made me laugh as she smiled at me and held my finger.....so peaceful as she fell asleep on my shoulder.

Jenn bought me a notebook the cover is gold glitter and it cost $1.49 and some Bic pens in a variety of colors for 97 cents.......she said they are to write about my future......my plans and hopes and dreams and hopefully things that will turn into realities......

I have gifts from friends that I look at and smile......a flip flop wreath, a mouse pad with flip flops (see a recurring theme here...LOL), a tiara, some chop sticks and a $3 light house sitting on my counter.....

I have gone back to cooking a variety of veggies for the week so my fridge is full of good options right at my finger tips.

I have promised myself that I will continue to stop and notice the small things in life that matter.  The numbers on the scale will go down but I need to be part of the parade of life instead of just an observer or critic.  There are people far worse off than me and I need to remember that......

Here are some of the simple pleasures that I appreciate......

A gold glitter notebook....

Some Bic pens in a variety of colors.....

A pair of chopsticks (one of my goals is learning to use them....LOL)

A flip flop wreath.......

The girl I used to be and the one I am now.....

 See you next week.......

What Can I Say About An Orange and Other Stuff.....

I hate oranges.  Wait correct that statement.......I used to hate oranges.  Actually it wasn't so much oranges......it was peeling oranges.  How lazy can a person be???? I also do not like oranges with seeds.  Guess what......there is such a things as seedless oranges!! I knew I needed to kick it up a notch with fruits.  I am great with veggies in fact there are very few I do not like.

I have been buying seedless oranges and peeling them as soon as I bring them home.  I put each one in a zip lock sandwich bag in the fridge.  When I am ready to eat an orange I can just grab one and am good to go.

Why can't my desire for a healthy happier life be as simple??

Each Sunday, I stress out on my way to my weigh in.  I review my week and the choices I have made.  Most times I walk in feeling like I had a good week.  Today, I was sure I would be down......and I was.....just not as much as I thought I would be.  I have given up trying to figure out how much the scale will move.  Today at my meeting we discussed this very issue.  First, it is not a race.  Any movement of the scale downward is good.  Yes, they say you can lose "an average of 1-2 pounds a week".  Who do you know has consistently lost 1-2 pounds a week......very, very few. Sticking with the plan is not always easy and takes thought and preserverance.  You have to be willing to fight through the plateau's and even worse the up weeks. We discussed portion control which is key to success.  Portion control means it is not a free-for-all regarding foods that are zero points. Yes, that means just because grapes are zero points you cannot eat a pound of them in one sitting......same with veggies.

We were asked what food had it been the hardest for us to control or try to minimize or not eat on a daily basis?  For me the answer was so easy........CHEESE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE cheese.......I adore cheese.......I am a cheeseaholic.  I miss cheese.  If there was only one food I could eat for the rest of my life.....you got it.....cheese!!! I miss it and think of it as an old friend who might not have helped me make the right choices.  Was it cheese alone that got me to my heaviest weight....NO!! But did cheese play a part.....YES.  I was in denial about the amount of cheese I ate......huge denial.

Now my life is about oranges and grapes and brussels sprouts and I love them all.......but no where near as much as my beloved cheese.

In order to become the best I can be cheese had to be removed or limited greatly in my life.  While oranges have taken it's place I would still kill to have a pound of American Cheese.  Well at least they are both the same color.....

Each day I set out to fulfill my dreams of a healthier Donna. And as Chapter 3 of my life moves closer and closer I know some of the sacrifices I have had to make will lead me to reap the benefits in added years.

One more thing, I pulled a pair of shorts out of the closet today.  I bought them last summer.  They were very loose....almost too loose......and that's what I need once in a while....a visual reminder of where I have been and where I am going.

Here's to the next 7 days......which I take one day at a time......here's to zucchini and grapes and brussels sprouts......here's to portion control.......here's to loose shorts and nightshirts that now are falling off of me.

Here is to life .......and each minute I am adding to my life with any tiny movement of the scale downward......so I guess that also means......here's to the oranges too.......

See you next week........

Switching Things Up.......

Sometimes you need to shake things up a little. It can help break through the plateau's.

I will admit I have been lazy lately about cooking.  I have been taking the easy way out.  All I have been eating as far as veggies is tomato's and cukes.  Easy prep and easy to grab on the run.

After today's meeting (actually during today's meeting) I decided  it was time to get back to more variety.....and a little more effort.  I texted my daughter who was doing the grocery shopping with some additional items for the shopping list: snow peas, edamame, cauliflower, broccoli and zucchini.  I also asked her to get a can of crushed pineapple and some greek yogurt.  One of my WW buddies told me she uses the WW shake with milk, yogurt and pineapple and it tastes like a pina colada......that's worth a try!!!!

I have spent the afternoon prepping the veggies.  I took out  my steamer and have been running the assorted veggies through it.  I took all of the edamame out of its pods so I can eat it as a snack. I made some turkey meatloaves in a brownie pan so they are all the same size. I get 12 mini meatloaves per tray. I feel like I am ready for the week.  I hope this will be the jumpstart to help that damn number move down on the scale.

I had a good week at the scale but as I have said  in previous posts the slowness is KILLING ME !!!!! I need to try to get to the gym more I am sure that will help.  I have to be more dedicated to the excercises I can do sitting in my chair while I work.  Living in SC in July does not bode well for outside excercise (even any kind of walking).  I went to a meeting this weekend and walking was involved. I broke it up into shorter portions but it is NOT something I enjoy.  I had to do the walking to get from meeting to meeting.  My fear of falling is also front and center.  My arthritis filled knees want to strangle me.  The humidity plays with my asthma.  But I didn't give up......I am just the turtle in the race.

I know July  4th is barely in our rear view mirror but I look forward to the fall and the cooler weather.  In SC, that means Thanksgiving......

There are some changes not too far down the road for me.  I am hoping those changes will take some of the stress out of my life.  I have heard that stress can have an impact on weight loss. Going through those changes will be emotional and stressful. I will have to have a pep talk with my fat and sing a few verses of "Let It Go".

As my life's journey continues with all of it's twists and turns, the time coming up shortly will be the most challenging I have experienced so far for a number of reasons.  I may go off the meter emotionally some days and be in total control others.  I know I will come out on the other side a happier person.......I just have to get through it and no one can do it for me.  I will lean on my friends and family as I need to.  There may be anger and fear and frustration and resentment.......don't I sound like someone you will want to be around????

As one of my family members you have no options but to put up with me through this process.  And  if you signed on to be my friend you have to take the good with the bad......sorry!!!!

Thanks for traveling with me......as I walk along this road called life....it is great to have company by my side.....and I wouldn't have it any other way......

See you next week.....

Finding " The Zone"......Again

When I am in "the zone" I am unstoppable !! The hard part is staying there.....

Like a baseball player on a hitting streak, "the zone" is where I can fight off temptations, make the right choices with ease and feel confident.

When a baseball player is in a slump it can be ugly and feel like it is lasting forever. Fighting to stay in the zone is a tough battle.  It is a battle I fight every single day!!

The beginning of the journey is easy. At least it was for me.  The pounds seemed to fly off.  I would read about people taking years to hit goal even when they had smaller amounts to lose than me. I wondered what was their problem? Why was it that the weight wasn't just falling off them?  I thought I would/could hit goal in no time.  NOT !!

After a while, your body starts to fight back and holds on to the fat for dear life.  You get bored.  You get fed up. You get tired of thinking about food and not thinking about food.  You get tired of 1 pound down and 1 pound up.  You start to think am I ever going to lose my next 5 pounds????

When you have lost a lot of weight you hit what I think of as the danger zone......you get cocky......you think I've got this........you lose your focus.......you fall out of "the zone".

Getting back into "the zone" takes work and desire and the willingness to admit you CANNOT do this alone. It would help to see a week with a good loss.....but as much as you can control what you take into your body.....you cannot always control how your body reacts to what you take in. Your body has a mind of it's own.  You just have to keep trying. It means reminding yourself that eventually there will be breakthrough weeks to offset the ups, plateaus and the weeks of neither losing or gaining.

While working to get back into "the zone" you must find the positives!! Look at how far you have come, look at the great feedback from your doctor, look at the mobility you now have, look at how you don't have to ask for a table vs. a booth, look at the clothes getting too big  and think about where you would be if you hadn't started to focus on yourself, your weight and your health........

My desires are small.....I just want to lose another 5 pounds.......nothing more......I cannot focus on anything more than that.....just 5 lousy pounds......and then the next 5 and the next 5.......

I look back at old pictures and that does give me the extra push I need to continue on......taking it one day, one hour and even one minute at a a time.......

Have a Happy 4th of July !!!

See you next week.........