A Tote Bag, A Festival, An Island and Me....

Let me start by saying the last few days have been amazing!!!!

Earlier last week one of my underwriters surprised me and sent me a tote bag she had made for me.  The material used was Van Gogh's Starry Night.  It is the perfect size to carry all of my writing materials.  It also has an outside pocket for my cell phone.  It is so me!!

It's arrival was perfect timing. I was spending the end of the week attending writing classes in Beaufort.

I headed out very early Friday morning (6:30AM) with my new tote. I had packed it with my IPAD, chargers, a hard cover notebook with a cover of gold glitter, two gel pens (pink and blue) and my cell phone.

I attended two Memoir classes at the Pat Conroy Literary Festival. The time spent at those classes in Beaufort were eye opening. I learned so much and felt like a sponge taking it all in.

Class 1 on Friday was supposed to last 90 minutes.  It went on for almost 3 hours.  There aren't many places where I feel comfortable from the start but put me in a room of writers and I am home. The instructor shared and asked and encouraged discussion. The class started by us each talking about why we were given our names.  My answer was " I am Italian from the Bronx in the 1950's.  Donna Marie was a very common name." Not a very exciting story but the facts as I know them. And I think my parents liked the name Donna and Marie just seemed to go with it.  I went to school with several Donna Marie's......similar to the name Jennifer in the 80's and 90's. Our next exercise was writing something referencing each of the 5 senses.  I didn't have a problem with sight, hear, smell or taste.  I did struggle with touch but finally managed to get some words down. We then moved on to writing about any picture we had with us.  I chose to write about the last picture taken of my Mom and me at my nephews wedding a few years ago. The day ended when we were given a homework assignment for our next class.

When asked what to do when you suffer from writers block the instructor said "when you have writers block.....lower your standards"...great advice. She also said you need to write at least 10 minutes a day. It can be about anything from French Toast to music.

After the extended class, I headed out to visit my friends at the beach.  I was very cusious to see how they had fared after the recent hurricane.  It was very quick visit but we still managed to squeeze in a golf cart ride, vodka and conversation that went from politics to Chapter 3.  There is something great about old friends who pass no judgement, make suggestions and really only want the best for you.  They also accept you as you are faults and all.  My friends encourage, are positive and sometimes point out things I hadn't noticed.  It is great free group therapy.

Saturday, it was back to class. This class also ran much longer than scheduled and no one seemed to mind.  Now it was like walking into a room of friends.  We had shared so much the day before we were no longer strangers. After some general discussion, we started to share what we had written the night before.  I chose to write a letter to my Mom about my life since she left us.  It had humor and sadness as I moved from paragraph to paragraph.  When I was done reading my words, people applauded.  Several turned to me and said "I would love to read that memoir and I would buy it".  I felt so pleased !!

I may share some of the writing I did this weekend in future blog entries. I don't think it was an accident that I found these classes on memoirs.  I was meant to be there.

When class was over a group of us decided to form our own writers group.  This gives us each an avenue to share, encourage and have our work critiqued. This will be a great new opportunity.

Before I knew it I was heading back to Columbia.

I missed my Weight Watcher class this morning.  I will be back there next week.  I have passed up many events to make it to those meetings. I now feel secure enough on my path to miss an occasional meeting in order to attend another event. Life is about choices and I am finally making decisions just for me.  If it means missing a meeting now and then to spend time with friends and family or go on an outing that's OK......part of Chapter 3 is living life to it's fullest......and that is exactly what I intend to do......

See you next week......

Getting In The Game

"Life is not as much fun watching from the sidelines"....I have no idea who said this but it is true.

I have been sitting on the bench and watching life go by from the sidelines most of my life.

I never had the desire to be the center of attention.  I did want to be loved and laugh and have friends.  Many times I tended to watch  my friends do things I wanted to do but my fear of failure held me back.

I am finally getting in the game.....trying to push the fear of failure out of my life and my head.

I soak in and enjoy some of simple things....

-that first cup of coffee in the morning

- sitting on the porch drinking that cup of coffee ...even better

-and if it happens to be raining while I am having that cup of coffee while sitting in the rocking chair on the porch....perfection

-the wonderful feeling of laying in bed on a Saturday morning....the room still dark and just let my mind wander.....I get some of my best thoughts for my writing during those moments of solitude in the early dawn

-the same feeling at the end of the day.....in my bed.... my covers wrapped around me (except for one foot that I always leave hanging out)......I will reflect on the day, my goals and what is next for me

- being willing to go with copper color highlights in my hair and not give it a 2nd thought.....pure fun

- today Jenn and I went to my friend, Mary's house for a long overdue cooking lesson....sauce, greek tortolini salad, meatballs and hot tortolini.....actually if I were honest except for the meatballs Jenn did the cooking while Mary took notes and we drank coffee and chatted.....we left Mary with a weeks' worth of food and yes some pots and pans to wash......

-on the way home from Mary's, my sister called and said she and Mike were passing through Columbia so we got to catch up for an hour......not surprisingly we never stopped talking.....

-my Giants finally won one.....it was a nailbiter until the end........go Big Blue....

None of these items above are major life events but now I am able to enjoy every second of them....in fact I relish them.

Later this week, I will be attending the Pat Conroy Literary Festival in Beaufort.  I will be attending 2 writing classes each day (Thursday- Saturday) and on Sunday I will be going to a brunch where two authors will be doing  book readings and having a literary discussions.  Attending writer seminar's, sharing ideas, honing my writing skills and just hanging out with other writers......it's just a little slice of heaven.

And yes.....I am doing this by myself.  My comfort level continues to grow with regard to doing things alone.  Plus, I am not sure anyone would find this event as exciting as me. I on the other hand will be like a sponge soaking it all in......there I will be with one of my glitter covered notebooks and a few of the many gel pens I recently uncovered.

A new adventure to experience and write about.......another chapter in my book "The List".  The chapters are adding up.  When I go back and look at all the things I have taken on I am pleased that I have pushed myself so much.

None of the growth I have expeienced thus far is anything in comparision to what lies ahead.......scary, challenging and exciting all rolled into one.

And you......my family and loyal friends get to come along for the ride. I don't know if I will recognize myself in a couple years both physically and emotionally......healthier, confident and ready for whatever is next.......it will be like looking a mirror and not really knowing the reflection looking back at me.......like the catepillar I referenced a few weeks ago........this butterfly is getting ready to break free.......just watch me fly......

See you next week......

Change, change and more change.....the intro to Chapter 3

When I moved into my current residence I put the furniture where I thought it would look best.........
and there it stayed......
for more than 16 years......

No re-arranging for me......
No vision.....
No creativity.......nada.....none....at least when it comes to home interiors.....

I have spent the last few weeks purging and tossing things out.....
a pair of night tables.....
a large amoire.....
a headboard.....

Clothes closets have been examined......

I cleaned out my front/coat closet.  I was able to hang each of my shawls on a separate hanger.  Now, I can see them all, I do not have to hunt for one or forget any I have.

Every drawer and cabinet in the kitchen has had an initial review.....

Who needs 14 coffee mugs or 10 water bottles....
I have a Keurig...... so why would I need a 12 cup AND 4 cup coffee maker???

6 coffee mugs survived the cut but for a change I was able to choose which ones I wanted to keep.

You have to remove every drawer to find some treasures.  It is amazing how many things fall out of drawers and end up in the cabinet below.

Knives.....missing pieces of flatware.....a shoe horn.....all hidden after falling out of the sharp implement drawer.....although I have never heard of  anyone being stabbed  to death with an old shoe horn.....

I had more than 16 pairs of corn holders.......why?????

I got rid of 12 juice glasses.  I do not drink juice and have never ever had enough people here drinking juice to need those.

I had kitchen utensils that I couldn't identify.

I cleaned out the little key bucket on the kitchen counter......it contained.....

two sets of car keys for cars we no longer own......
6 house keys......I guess I kept having them made.....
3 luggage keys.....
several keys that I have no idea what they are for......
2 girl scout badges....
some screws and bolts (I held on to those because Lord knows what they are from)
some lanyards labeled Gatorade and various schools.....

And on and on......

It has been easier than anticipated to part with most treasures.....

During this process of change and out with the old.......I am slowly ....very slowly..... finding myself.......it is a long road ahead but most days are not too bad......I do run into those totally unexpected moments that hit me like a 2 X 4 and make me sad......

I have also had very understanding family and friends that when I say "I can't talk about it now"..... they will just let it go and move on to something else.....

Decisions and changes that have taken this long to happen are bound to lead me to some rough moments......but I do push on.....

Working on my health and weight go hand in hand with all the changes that surround me......all slow but all in the right direction. I am pleased with the way it is going and try not look back with regret too often....

Over the past few years, Jenn has done a great job of spotting bargains and knows my taste.  One of her finds was a room divider at Hobby Lobby for $20.  It has been standing folded up for the last couple of years  in a space between my dryer and a wall.  When I was doing the laundry last week,  I looked at it and in one of the very, very rare moments of designing creativity I have ever experienced....I thought to myself..... "I wonder how this would look as a headboard".......

Jenn helped me lift it into place and guess what??? It looks great!!! Not like some of the beautifully matched bedroom suites I know a lot of people have..... but guess what.....this is more me than a very expensive matching bedroom set..... add the $19.99 quilt and $6.00 matching pillow shams from Walmart and it really works......(the quilt and pillow shams were another Jenn Pizzo find)......Jenn is now on a mission to find me some bargain night tables to replace my practical but not very fashionable tv table/night tables.....LOL

Now the bedroom with the new headboard, quilt, pillow shams and my Mom's desk with all my treasures really feels right.....for me.......

And that's all that really matters.....

My headboard.....

My space......

See you next week........

Hanging in through the stress and the sadness.......

If stress can be self-created then I am the master of this process.

Month end at work is always stressful it that is the nature of the mortgage business.  After all these years of month end after month end, you get through it and before you know it.......it is month end again.

 Life out side of work has it's own stress.  The hot water needs to be replaced. Will my car that is getting up in miles need a major repair anytime soon? Will I have ever be able to retire? Does the fact that I dream every single night mean I have some health issue?

See where I am going with this......

My worries turn into stress and then I start to feel sad.  I really do try and fight off the worries......really. But is is part of my makeup.

As I continue to clean out, throw out, donate and purge it can be stressful.  Should I keep this....why.....why not....

I can look at a t shirt and memories flood back to an event or an outing or a holiday.

Today, I pitched the cards I had packed away from my baby shower (remember the baby the gifts were for is over 30 years old).  I came across an old satin bag filled with wedding cards.  I opened a few but realized that so many of the people the cards were from are gone. Those cards got tossed too.....

I cleaned out a dresser and donated another 21 books (yes on top of the 90+ from last week).

My night table is now empty.  I have moved all the items that were in the two drawers to another place or thrown out.  Why did I keep mittens, gloves and scarves in the 2nd drawer of my night table......I have no idea......

Through this process of cleaning out I feel so many emotions......good memories, sadness and a feeling I would equate with cleaning out the personal items of someone who has died. That may seem extreme but the tears do fall.  I look at the cards and t shirts and books and think of the promise and hope and excitement I felt when I bought or was given them.

Maybe I am like a caterpillar and just waiting to take on a new form?  My weight loss/ healthier life journey is part of that process......the struggle is real.....the transformation is painstakingly slow but the success is visible and that does make me smile..... at some point I will completely emerge from my cocoon......

During all of this purging, I did find a way to add something positive to the process.

My brother had given me my Mom's antique desk (he said since I was the writer in the family I should have it).  It has been sitting in my room....empty......just taking up space and surviving no purpose.

In a moment of sheer brilliance (OK not quite that extreme), I decided to take all of my writing materials, books, pens, journals and put them in the desk.  I added my books about Italy, lighthouses and other things I love.  A very special binder with letters from family and friends has a place now too. Now, I can find a note card and not have to search all over.

I am so happy with "my space"!! I look at it and smile......so from pain, stress, worry and sadness....I managed to find something peaceful and just about me.....

Here are some pic's of the desk.......

Oh just a couple more things......I am working through one of the hardest times in my life......but I will make it through......changing is not always easy.....life is not always easy but like the desk......I can find things to make me smile.......I have to remember that my healthier life journey has been going on for a while and hit its peaks and valleys but I am determined to get to my goal........just like the caterpillar.......just starting to break out.....starting Chapter 3......finally......

LOL and just one more thing......I have been banned from buying gel pens.......once I had gathered them all I have over 40....yes..... over 40 gel pens......I guess I will be writing a lot .....in a variety of colors........for a long, long time.....

See you next week.........

Weekends Are For Relaxing???????

It starts simply......

Jenn said "let's clean out the spice/baking cabinet". And from there it was the pantry, the cookbooks, the book case, other cabinets and closets.

By the time we were done and on our way to Goodwill, the second seat in my Escape was filled to capacity. We had everything from clothes to coffee mugs to a toaster and other kitchen items and a grand total of 91 books......yes, I said 91 books.  Cookbooks, sports books, biographies......you name it we donated it.

But do not fear.....we still have plenty of books I was not ready to part with......

I was able to organize the antique desk that was once my Mom's.  The desk now has all off my writing paraphernalia, my books about my dream trip to Italy, a book about Cheese, gel pens, glittered covered notebooks and on and on.  It is a space that is all about me.  I have my books filled with my 5 good things about each day that I have been writing for several years all in one place.

I kept cookbooks that have recipes that I might actually use.  I also couldn't part with my Betty Crocker and Better Homes  and Garden cookbooks I was given over 34 years ago. I also kept the binders I have with recipes I cut out and saved over the years.  Each binder has pockets which contain index cards with Christmas cookie recipes.  When you look at the well worn index cards you can see the history of how often they were used by the stains from vanilla and butter that ended up on them.

There were also some practical decision......old newspapers that seemed significant at the time were pitched, the coffee maker was donated since it was replaced by a Keurig a few years ago and some tops I bought just a year ago that have gotten too big are also gone.

As I write this, Jenn is still working.......I have run out of steam.

Due to all that work I have a great space of my own.  I  have more counter space in the kitchen and to I have reclaimed my living room which had become the Goodwill staging zone.

In addition to doing all this purging, Jenn and I also cooked and baked for the week.  We are both exhausted........what kind of weekend was this???? Not relaxing for sure but I am feeling a sense of satisfaction at all we got done.

Are we finished?  Yes, for this weekend but we there will be more weekends like this one in our future.....ugh.

I found time this morning to get back to Weight Watchers, after a few week break for Labor Day and I missed my meeting last week due to bronchitis.  It was good to be back and it was a well timed theme for me......tracking, tracking, tracking.......I had been slack the last few weeks but today's meeting definitely has me back on track (pardon the pun).

The last week has been a challenge for a variety of reasons and due to coughing fits.....I terribly miss sleeping in a position other than sitting up.

Not the most fun week I have ever had but at least it ended with a sense of accomplishment......

See you next week........

The Year Is Almost Over By Memorial Day

I always think of December 26th as one of the saddest days of the year.  Another long 365 (or 366) days to go until my favorite day of the year....Christmas Eve....... rolls around again.  When I was young, the time from 12/26 of one year to 12/24 of the next year took forever.

Now, it seems like in the blink of an eye and the holidays are coming around again.

I love the holidays from Halloween through Christmas....(New Years Eve has always been a let down for me unless one of my favorite college teams is playing New Year's Day).

In New York, we kept our tree up until the 12th day of Christmas (January 6th).  In the South, leaving the Christmas tree up into the New Year is bad luck. As I have adopted some southern ways, the tree usually comes down New Years Eve. Also a lot of people in the South put up their Christmas tree on Thanksgiving.  I used to think that was too early but then again in the South...... I see Christmas trees sitting by the side of the road on Christmas night......how sad......

Anyway back to the title of this entry......

Here is the way I see it....the year goes a little slow from Jan 1st though Memorial Day (unless the NY Giants are in the Super Bowl then the beginning of February can be a big event).  Then time flies.....it is a short 6 weeks from Memorial Day to July 4th and then another quick 6-7 weeks to Labor Day. And once the kids are back in school and Labor Day has passed it seems that before I know it we are putting up the Christmas decorations.

The days pass quicker as I get older.....kind of scary.......

This entry regarding the passage of time got me thinking about a column Erma Bombeck wrote years ago about "saving things"......

How many of you are like me and save things for special occasions?  I don't use the good china because I might break a piece.  I burn the seasonal candles sparingly instead of enjoying the aroma of McIntosh Apples or Christmas Wreath throughout the house. Up until recently, I could have died with a lingerie drawer filled with unworn unmentionables.  I am afraid to wear most of my good jewelry because I might lose it.

I finally thought...what am I waiting for???? I have started wearing them items I mentioned above.  I will burn those damn candles.....after all I can buy more.  The good china.....at some point I will use it for a dinner in the middle of the week....maybe for a sandwich or salad.

With the quick passing of each season......I find myself thinking "where has the year gone or where has the time gone?"

Jenn read me something the other day that said incoming High School Freshman (I think it is still OK to use the term Freshman except at Princeton where they are now called First-Year Students).  The piece Jenn shared with me said 9/11/01 would be taught as part of history since the Freshman were not alive when that event took place. To the class of 2020, Wayne Gretsky and John Elway have always been retired.   Jenn's University 101 class was not familiar with Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

I am grateful I grew up in a time of playing outside until the street lights came on, where 50 cents could buy me 2 slices of pizza and a soda, where you could sit through a movie more than once(and not have to pay again) and any given Saturday or Sunday could include the family piling in the car to go for a ride......yes, a simple ride in a car. I can still remember sitting in the back seat of the station wagon facing backwards as we rode to nowhere in particular........maybe the fact that these events took place close to 50 years ago makes them seem better in my memory than they actually were......

As I sit here looking toward another autumn followed quickly by the balance of 2016, I would like time to slow down just a bit........too bad that is something I can't control.......and before we know it......it will be Memorial Day again and another year gone.......

In my head though..... will be the thoughts and memories of a little girl laying her head by the open window of a Kingswood Estate station wagon enjoying the warm breeze as we would ride to points unknown on a Labor Day weekend.......

See you next week........

The Best Days.....or Moments

In my team meeting tomorrow, I am asking my team to each come up with a good day or moment or two.  I do not want it to be the obvious days like when they got married or had their children.

Once again this idea came to me from watching City Slickers where they each discuss their best and their worst day.

I think worst days are easy to come up with......it's like when someone asks you to list your good qualities and your bad qualities. I can list my bad qualities until the cows come come.....but good qualities are more of a challenge.

I am also not going to ask people about their worst days........this is supposed to be fun sharing not depressing.

I am a sap from the word go.......I can cry about anything......the other day I caught the last 10 minutes of "Homeward Bound".  I have seen  it before so I know how it ends......but why oh why do I sit there and cry waiting for that last dog to come over the hill......as I said.....I have seen the movie.....I know he is going to make it......LOL

The good list might not even be days....it could be moments......

Yes, this exercise is very "me" oriented and gives everyone a chance to brag or share.

When Jenn was young I told her she could not brag  except to me or Nannie.  If something good happened she would run in the house and say "I am calling Nannie."  Then I could hear her say to my Mom...."Nannie, let's talk about me" and laugh.

On FB, people have shared good news and bad news.  I have read and liked posts about children and spouses and losses and vacations and on and on.......all great to share....... I have seem some great quotes that have given me pause to think.....maybe some oversharers (do I need know know about every second of your life?) and dear God I cannot wait for the election to be over......I am sick of the ugly back and forth posts.

I have made a concerted effort to not overshare but then again I am sure there are those that think this blog is over sharing........hell...... no one said you HAD to read it.........

Here are some moments that would make my list:
- being in the same room with my siblings for a few hours
-being the only one in my Geometry class to get an A on a test and having the teacher annouce it (I can still hear him saying"Yes, Miss Raboni it was you that got the only A on the exam"
-driving a convertible heading to the beach and smelling the ocean
-finding out parts of the letter about my Dad and our picture would be published in Tim Russert's book
- EVERY Christmas Eve day of my life (at least the ones I can remember)...... it is the best day of the whole year
-a early morning cup of coffee on my porch in the fall
-football Sunday's in NY when my whole family would watch the game together
- my younger brother making me a pen in my favorite color
- my older brother showing up as a surprise at our family reunion
- my sister driving 100 miles each way on Thanksgiving to spend a few hours with me
- being asked to write a poem to paint on the windows of my Freshman high school homeroom (pre-Pearl River HS)
- how about the smell of onion and garlic cooking when making sauce
-smells alone can provide a myriad of memories....cookies baking, burning a macintosh apple candle,the smell of Brut (my Dad wore it) or White Shoulder (Mom's favorite)
- getting books, a flip flop wreath, a tiara, sand from the beach......or anything else that someone gives you that says "I thought of you when I saw /made this"

Of course, any day that incudes laughter is always a great moment.

My list could have gone on forever......I guess that shows how blessed I am......

So when I am in those dark moods or feel like a cloud is following me.......I need to think about the good days or moments........and that should help get me through until I shake the mood or chase the clouds away....

See you next week........