Working To Find The Balance In Life Again.....with a little revision.....

Monday through Friday is not my own time.

Yes, I collect a pay check for what I do during those days.

And lately, I have been more than earning my paycheck.

Work has been filled with learning a new system and all the other challenges of the mortgage business.  If  you do not work in the mortgage industry there is no way you could understand it's challenges.

Once the whistle blows at the end of the workday on Friday, the balance of life appears.

I can feel the stress leave me during my commute home.

I try to stay up late relishing Friday night.

Knowing I have two days of me time is the reward that follows the busy work week.

I am trying hard to find that life/work balance.

Most companies preach work/life balance, I prefer saying life/work balance.

Which matters more?  Life  or work?

Of course, I know I need my job to live the life I desire.

There was a time when my job was my life.

There was a time when I didn't worry about how much more life was left to be lived.

And that is my struggle, figuring out the balance.

Life balance is listening to books on Hoopla while I commute.  Books that I don't have time to sit down and read.

Life balance means instead of just doing a Saturday morning bagel run, take the bagel to waterfront park.  Sit on one of the bench swings and eat breakfast.

Life balance is watching my dog, Jeter, almost prance along the waterfront with Jenn.

Life balance is combining a trip to the pool with 2 hours of exercise.

Life balance is binge watching a tv series while cooking for the week.

Life balance is allowing time for a nap.

Life balance is using free time to call your family and friends just to catch up.

Life balance is Jenn doing the food shopping while I work on the finances.

Life balance is writing this blog while doing the laundry.

Life balance means time with family, friends including laughter and love.

I almost forgot, life balance means finding more time for my passion of writing

And here we are early Sunday evening getting ready for another 5 days where the balance swings back to the work side.

I going to try to carry the stress free feeling I have enjoyed during these 48-60 glorious hours off into the work week.

It may fade by lunchtime on Monday.

I am always hopeful, the stress relief will last until much later in the week.

I will continue to work on and seek out ways to focus on life/work balance.

My life matters too much too not try.

See you next week!

PS Just saw this on the way to Walmart.  I am taking it as a sign of good things ahead this week.

Being Practical....The Staycation.....

Just having the week off from work, commuting, $35 a day gas bills, doggie daycare, not setting the alarm for 5:00AM, not returning at 8:00 PM to rush though lunch prep for the next day, dinner and a quick shower before turning in makes for a great staycation.

9 GLORIOUS DAYS !!!!

The week did not include any destination but home.

HOME, HOME, HOME !!

I have to admit to being just a little jealous seeing others vacation destinations.

Or the envy of at least having transportation reliable enough to take me somewhere or anywhere.  I sweat out the daily commute never mind adding extra miles to an already old vehicle.

This is not self pity

It is honesty.

The week was not without it's  positives.

A few trips to the pool.

A couple of dinners out.

One at a local kind of dive.  BUT dinner is a hot dog, cheeseburger, scoop of potato salad and a serving of baked beans all for $4. The drinks cost more than dinner.

The Fillin Station

Here is the catch, the view is great from the back porch.  The river, the boats and more are all worth the price of admission.

Another evening was a dinner with friends.  Casual, shared memories and laughter all made for a pleasant evening.  I planned on staying for 2 hours and ended up leaving after close to 5 hours. I drove home during a great heat lightening storm.

Group selfie:

Sine I had spent so much time relaxing, I was up and at it early on Saturday. Oil change, pedicure, stop at Publix and the bagel shop all before 11:00AM.

I had a conference call with my Editor. It lasted about 90 minutes.Her feedback and suggestions will surely enhance my story.  Oh it is now a MANUSCRIPT ( manuscript = the original copy of a book or article before it is printed) !! I have so much to do before it is a finished product.  What I am learning is fabulous.  Some entries, I hit right on the head.  And others, it is clear where I need to add more info, dialog and color so the reader can see, feel and touch what I am expressing. While I am still trying to remembering to type the numerical value of numbers from 1 through 10 and the rest are written out, I no longer use ellipsis (oh how I miss them), I am trying to feel comfortable with dialog, reading out loud what I have written to get the flow and sound just right.  I still need to figure out where to use a semi-colon versus a comma.  I know this was covering in 8th grade along with diagramming sentences but somehow it has faded in my memory bank.  Oh and when did the rule about spacing after periods change?  When I took typing class (yes, typing class) back in high school, it was always 2 spaces after a period.  This is not the case any more. now it is 1 space.  Reminding myself of this is almost harder to stop doing than the ellipsis. I am learning so much and relearning more.

As I read my draft to my editor, I actually had to stop for a moment as I started to cry.  The memory I had written about was so strong and powerful.

Now it is time to rework, revise and add to my draft.

The process is fascinating to me.  I had no idea what it took for this all to come together when I started.  I read once that Margaret Mitchell wrote the first chapter of Gone With The Wind and the last chapter next.  She then wrote other chapters and had them laid out around her house until she had connected the beginning and the end.  I am working in a similar manner.  As a memory of thought comes to me, I add it to my notes list on my phone.  When the mood hits me, I will write out my thoughts into what I hope is a cohesive entry.

Today, I had 2 entries that needed little to no revision.  I was able to put down the words in a manner that a reader would be transported to that place and time.

While my staycation is winding down, I am looking toward my next days off which are not too far away.

One of the benefits of this break is feeling the stress leave me and being able to wake up and think "what do I want to do today?'

I have a job and a long career in the mortgage industry.

More importantly, I have a life.  I know now it cannot take 2nd place to anything.

Feeling so in control is a blessing and eye opening.

Time to figure out my priorities.

I am not saying I won't do my job to the best of my abilities but when the day is over it is over.  End of sentence. End of work day.

In 10 years or when I am old sitting in my rocking chair, what will matter more?  What I  did from 9-5 ot what I did on my off hours.  I am sure it will be the latter.

After this week of self examination, except for my family and friends,

IT'S ALL ABOUT

See you next week.......

There Will Be Another Christmas

"You are never wrong to do the right thing." Mark Twain

I know it's just the beginning of August but allow me this entry.

My excitement about the holidays starts to kick in right around Labor Day.  Yes, Labor Day

To me the saddest day of the year is December 26th.

My favorite day of the year is Christmas Eve and Christmas Day itself runs a close second.

Then, I feel the letdown from all the hustle and bustle.

The songs disappear off the radio.

Except for the Hallmark Channel which runs Christmas movies through New Year's Day, all holiday TV events end.

All signs of the holiday fade at the stroke of midnight Christmas Night.

My friend, Dan, would say to me "there will always be another Christmas."

And he was right.

What he didn't say was the thing I now think about a lot.

The problem is the assumptions we all make.

We assume we will all be here for that next Christmas.

People leave for work each day and the assumption is they will return home that night.

We leave on a vacation and assume we will return home in a few weeks.

You know what they say about assumptions.

 It is true.

And that is why we all (yes, me included) need to not take one day for granted.

Let go of the anger.

Let go of the silence.

Do not put yourself in a position to have regret or remorse.

Say "I am sorry".

Forgive.

Say "I love you" often.

Show gratitude.

Give hugs.

Take the high road (which can be hard to do).

Even if you were not wrong or do not think you were wrong do whatever it takes to make things right.

Mend fences, renew relationships.

Never assume that all of us will be here for the next holiday season, family gathering or birthday.

We just cannot be sure all the people we love will be there.

Do not waste one more second, minute, hour or day angry or in silence.

My Dad used to say "don't fight on a holiday because you can't get the day back."

He was right.

The rest of the year will fly and once again it will be Christmas.

Yes, there will be another Christmas but not the same as the ones we have had before.

See you next week.

Looking to the week ahead

Here I sit, Sunday afternoon.

Dreading Sundays because Monday is not far away.

Not really much to write about.

Met with my editor yesterday. 

Good meeting. 

New thoughts, suggestions and additions to what I have already done with my homework assignments.

Working from home on Monday.

Tuesday through Thursday staying in Columbia. 

Appointment to get my hair done Tuesday after work. Wayne can work his magic with color and cut!

Wednesday night cut throat Phase 10 game maybe?
/
Friday, last day at work until 8/13.

After work Friday, eye brows and face waxing.

Then STAYCATION !!!!

9 glorious days of no commuting or work.

Writer's seminar in Hilton Head Saturday.

After that here are my plans,

Sleep late.

Watch TV late.

Read.

Pool.

Write, write, write.  That's for you Cindy.

I hope this week goes slow because once my vacation starts the time will fly.

I so need the time off.

I so need the break.

I so need to not have to rise at 5:00AM. 

I so need to just have time to sit on the porch and just think. 

I so need to not have to worry about work emails.

I so need to not have to run in the house, make lunch, take a shower, eat dinner and go to bed and get at least 6 hours sleep.

I so need.

This will be my first break of the year with a weekend on either side of Monday and Friday,

This will be my first break not around the holidays where I spend my days running around.

This will be my first break for more than a few days, since all that has happened in the last few months.

I shouldn't be sitting here worrying about how fast the next two weeks will go.

I shouldn't be sitting here worrying about how short lifer is.

I shouldn't be sitting here wishing my life away from vacation to vacation.

Maybe the break will help be find my joy and happiness again.

Maybe the break will help me to focus on what is important in life.

Maybe the break will help me start to move ahead.

Maybe the break will help.

See you next week!

Just Call Me Procrastinator Maybe??

I can plan and plan and plan. Once I have the plans set then nothing.

I will think in January of something I think someone would like for Christmas.  When do I actually make the purchase?  After Thanksgiving.

I have talked about going to Italy for years.  How far have those plans gotten?  A couple of books about Italy.

I think about food shopping for the week on Thursday. Here I sit Sunday morning.  Have I made it to  Publix? Nope.

Saturday, I had planned to accomplish a few things.  What did I accomplish?  Nothing.  I was so worn out from the week.  I talked on the phone, napped and watched Hallmark Christmas movies.

Yet when it comes to deadlines at work I am on it.

Deadlines for reports or responses to specific deadlines are entered onto my Outlook calendar immediately.  Many are handled right away to avoid emails reminding me a deadline is near.

Quarterly compliance classes are completed in short order.  I also block out time for my team to complete their classes long before the deadline so I can delete the reminders from my calendar.

Am I a living breathing Oxymoron?

Definition of the word Oxymoron: two words or a compound word with contradictory definitions.

Procrastinator vs. Proactive?

Life can also lead us to delay, put off or procrastinate from tasks we need to complete.

Perfect example is why I am sitting at my laptop since early this morning?  I was given an assignment by my Editor two weeks ago.

I have thought about it.

I have written bullet points.

I have thought about it.

I wrote a few paragraphs.

I have thought about it.

I let other things fills my time.  Hallmark Christmas movies?

I will allow myself the fact that I am too tired to write when I get home each night.  What about the weekends?  True, I am exhausted.  But if I want my dream to turn into reality I have to push through the weariness.

And now when I should be working on my book, I am writing my blog.  I have also already paid my bills, cleaned out old coupons, sorted papers that need to go in the shredder, had three phone conversations and have started thinking about what I need to get from the supermarket. Also on my list for today is a trip to the landfill, get gas in my car and get ready for the next work week. I didn't mention the time I spent looking for my "dragon speak" to talk and have my words show up in written form on Microsoft Word

Talk about procrastinating.

Well, at least I can cross my weekly blog entry off my list for the day.

And now Jenn has offered to go get the groceries, gas and make the trip to the landfill so I can write.

Alright, I will just finish the cup of coffee Jenn made me.  Maybe I will take a quick shower?

Then no more delays, it is time to work on my writing assignments.  I need to get it done today so I can ship it off to Cindy by tomorrow or Tuesday or Wednesday.

Ready, set, go.

Well, maybe I just need to make another cup of coffee and then I can get started.

See you next week.

Trying To Take Control of My Life Again

When I look back on the past year my head spins.

Have you ever seen one of those lists that shows the life events that add stress to your life?

I have had several events that made the list in the last 12 months:

Selling a house

Moving

Divorce

Reorganization and new computer systems at work

Long commute to work (really long)

Loss of someone close to me

All these changes have caused me to lose focus on the things I was trying to do to help me.

Relocating took me away from my Sunday Weight Watchers group.  The meeting closest to me is on Friday's at 9:45.  I have only been there a few times when I was home on a Friday. I am hoping once the commuting stops, I can catch those meetings on a regular basis.

I also miss going to the gym.  I have a gym, indoor and outdoor pool nearby now.  I need the time to use them.  I was in the pool yesterday for over an hour and it felt great.  Legs and arms moving without pain and burning calories.

This is the best time of year for fresh fruits and veggies. I need to get on to healthy cooking ALL the time vs sporadically.

These items back on my radar and will start to become a part of my life like they once were.

This isn't about any one event from the list above it is about all of them.  They have been emotional, exhausting and caused my physical pain.

I now need to slowly climb out from under the pile of challenges/changes.

For example, my job/career is important but instead of the words work/life balance, I now say life/work balance.

Is anything I don't get to going to matter in 10 years? Probably not.

Is the stress I am creating for myself hurting me? Possibly.

By taking back control of my life am I helping me? YES.

Some of the items on the life event list have been checked off and completed.  Nothing else to be done.  The sale of the house, the move and the unpacking (for the most part) are behind me.

The job challenges will settle down (eventually).

The commuting will end (I pray about it daily),

While the formalities of the divorce are over, I have to be honest and say there are still some emotional parts to be dealt with.

And the recent loss in my life, it will take much more time and thought to come to terms and acceptance.

But as I keep saying, baby steps is all I can do right now and that is better than standing still.


See you next week.

Struggling to find the 5 good things about a day

For about 10 years, every evening  I have written in a journal 5 good things about the day. Days when I am really tired, I will write the 5 things about the previous day early the next morning.

For the first time since I started this daily exercise, I have not done a daily list in two weeks.

I have been struggling to find good things no matter how small to celebrate.

I have been going through the motions of life.  Work, eat, talk on the phone, read, watch TV, shower and I have been doing it all on autopilot. Rote routines that require no thought.

I had a long weekend which I was looking forward to so I could sleep.  Not much more just sleep.

Friday, fortunately I did have an appointment which I knew I should not cancel. It was with my developmental editor to go over what I had submitted to her last week.

I forced myself from the safety of the cocoon I was creating for myself.  My recliner in the living room had become my comfort zone.  I could sit there and be sad or feel numb or process my thoughts.  The problem is it is too easy to stay there in my blanket and not move ahead.

When I woke up Friday, I thought I am going to cancel and just stay put in my recliner.

Then I thought, I know someone who would have been mad if I didn't go to see Cindy and move ahead with my dream of making my book a reality.  I mean I had been talking about it for so long.

My nerves were shaky once again as I made the trip to the meeting.  Once there as is usual for me, I was able to open up about what had been going on for two weeks  and discuss my project.

I received some great feedback, direction and topics to focus on that may make the cut in my book. Ideas to get my brain functioning again as the rest of me catches up.

I was also given the opportunity to do some interviews for Pink Magazine which would give me more exposure to the writing process to which I said YES right away.  This may lead to a feature writing position down the road for the monthly magazine.  I always thought of myself as an Erma Bombeck kind of columnist, so who knows what will happen.  It will be nice to see my name as a byline considering I took my first journalism class many years ago as a college freshman.

After the meeting, there were errands to be run and before I knew it I was pulling in the driveway at 6:00PM.

I thought about my 5 things list.  Although I had some wonderful things happen during the day, I still wasn't mentally ready to resume the process.

Saturday, DeAnna came down to visit for the day.  DeAnna was  the mentor assigned to me 20 years ago on my first day at Wachovia and we had been best buddies ever since. I was so happy that  Kathy joined us and rounded out the foursome for a trip to the pool near my house.

I had no idea of the layout of the pool and my nerves once again took over. I pushed the butterflies aside and walked into the pool area.  The view was lovely, plenty of tables under umbrellas and the very best was it was a walking in pool like walking into the ocean in the sand.  I had the option to not use stairs which made getting in the pool so much nicer and less noticeable.  We hung out in the pool, had lunch and drinks at our table and left because we would see a big storm brewing nearby.

Having time with Kathy and DeAnna was great and was a big help to me.  Also, getting home to sit in the screened in porch during a thunderstorm and the downpours that followed felt good.

I fell asleep in a recliner not in the living room but in my bedroom.  It was the first time I slept a whole night in my bedroom in a few weeks which was another big step in moving forward.

I haven't yet but I will write a list about 5 good things about yesterday.  I am very, very slowly moving forward.  Very slowly which is OK.

Today, it was a pedicure, getting the car washed, picking up a wrap to eat for dinner and some low fat frozen yogurt to eat as a treat later and writing this entry and tackling some of my writing assignments that will make my list tonight.

And that makes two days of 5 good things to put on my list!

My brain still hasn't accepted the loss and neither has my heart.  There are moments of sadness and moments of good memories.  Eventually I will find the balance and embrace all that I had and look back with gratitude and happiness.

Until that time, I draw or lean on my friends,  Some have lost so much more than I in these recent weeks and in some ways I hope I am helping them and not holding them back.

It's all about time and healing and the process of moving on.

For now it will be baby steps for me until I can walk again.  I won't run that's for sure but then again I have never been a runner.

See you next week.

PS, Please note this entry was done without any "......"'s.  I have been forbidden from using ellipsis is my writing.  As I was told (and I can't remember who to give the credit to) by Cindy (my editor), "if a sentence is over put a period on it, if it is not over keep writing".

So say goodbye to ........ I will miss them but how many book have you seen them  used in over and over again. End of sentence.