Just a few dollars of happiness

If I hit the lottery, of course it would change my life.

No debts, make a sizable donation to a charity or charities, share with family and friends.

That is what I would do.

Realistically, I won't hit the lottery since I rarely play.

I have a hard time parting with a buck.

I have found spending a few dollars or sometimes spending nothing at all can still make me smile.

This week I was the recipient of two green brooms that cost 50 cents each.  After Halloween sales.

Since I have often joked about arriving at my office on a broomstick, why not have two glittery brooms hanging on either side of my desk?  And they can stay up through the holidays since they are green.

A string of lights that are also a phone charger on my desk. Cost $10

A small ornament size light up ceramic Christmas tree from Walmart.  Cost $8.00.

A small 1955 pick up truck to go with the ceramic tree. Cost $6.50

Three small trees to go in the pickup truck. Cost 1.50

Watching a very good college football game on a fall afternoon with the fireplace going in the background.  Cost $0  (the wood was leftover from last year)

My family from Florida, New York sent me great pictures of the Rockefeller Center tree being cut down just a few streets away from their home. Monetary cost zero but it took time for them to take those pictures for me.

Grand total $27.00 for a season's worth of happiness and memories.

Actually, it's priceless.

See you next week.

Facing Fears or Making My World Smaller

"But the truth is, even when our brain convinces us we're lost--if we try hard enough, our bodies always remind us there's a way back--prepares us for whatever fight lies ahead."  Grey's Anatomy

Please do not read this and think, the girl has lost her mind. I have not. I am just sharing with you what I feel that you may not see.

I am sure I am not unique in having or facing fears.

Don't we all have things we fear?

As I get older, my fears increase.

Not that I was one who was ever viewed as brave.

Indecisive definitely.

There are things I used to love that now I am fearful of such as amusement park rides.  It used to be the scarier the better.  I used to be excited about airports.  I still love to fly but the traveling within the terminals pushes me over the edge.  I want to go to Italy but the walking and the stairs scare the crap out of me.  Maybe I need to see Tuscany and Rome from a van or a bus if possible?

Here is my murders row of fears:

1. The fear of falling.

It is overwhelming.

A broken arm one time and 20+ stitches in the face on another occasion have led me to walk slowly.

Very slowly. Cautiously.

Walking like I am 90 years old.

Always looking down.

It's not that I don't want to make eye contact with people.

I don't want to fall.

2. The fear of crowds.

Walking in crowds never used to bother me.

Now, I walk in a crowd and I feel like I am back on a crowded subway.

No room to breathe.

People invading my space.

I feel like I should have a few feet perimeter around me that no one can invade.

That might be the reason I don't give or accept hugs easily.

3.  The fear of unfamiliar places.

Once I know the lay of the land, I am not fearful.

When I know I am going someplace new, I will look at it online.  I will try to look at the parking and where I might have to walk and how far.

Even after all this pre-work, as I walk in a new place, my heart races and inside I am a bunch of nerves.

Once I am settled in, my heart rate goes back to normal and I am at ease.

Until I have to leave and walk the same route I did on the way in.

I ask for rooms near elevators, preferably on low floors.

I ask for walk in showers.

And biggest change of all is I ask for help when needed. If a curb is too high or stairs have no railing or ground is unlevel, I will ask for an arm.  I would rather ask for help while standing vertical than laying horizontal.

4. Fear of letting the fears consume me or force me to make changes in my life.

If I allow these fears and others to control my life, I lose.

I continue to push myself. Not without some trepidation. I cannot allow my fears to make my world smaller.  If I allow that to happen, I will disappear.

Please continue to ask me to do things.  Understand if I say no it could be for a variety of reasons: I am tired, I am being lazy, I am enjoying my time off from work or I just don't want to do what someone else wants to do.

If I do agree to do something, please bear with my nerves, maybe a few tears or my constant chattering to cover up for my nervousness.

I am at a point in my life where my world needs to grow not shrink.

The easiest option would to be to hang out in my recliner and watch the world go by.

I am not taking the easy route.

I ask that you understand me, help me and put up with me.

What I am planning to do to help deal with my fears, good question.

Walking more even if just the shortest of distances will help build my confidence. I still might need an arm to help me though so bear with me.

Getting back on the healthy eating track. This is very hard with my work schedule, commute and small amount of time at home.  I get bored and tired of eating the same food. I WILL figure it out.

Continue to dream.  Without dreams what do we have?

Write.  This is the one craft where I can do anything, be anything, make it all up in my head and change it at will. I am the boss of my creative writing.

I am also going to try hard to not focus on what I have lost but on what I have gained from people I have loved.

I am going to wake each day thankful for the sunrise and with gratitude enjoy the sunsets.

And I will pray for strength, help and confidence.

Amen.

See you next week.

Autumn in New York vs South Carolina

New York.

Sweater weather.

Leaves crunching under your feet.

The range of leaf colors, orange to gold to red.

Fireplaces burning.

Apple picking.

The smell when you turn on the heat for the first time in months.

Everything pumpkin.

Football, the pro’s.


South Carolina.

Flip flops.

Summer clothes.

Outdoor pool is still open into November (and the water is heated for those southern chilly mornings).

Leaves a paler green, finally turning some other colors but usually not as vibrant as up north.

Apple picking.

Through Thanksgivings of going back and forth between central air and beginning to turn on the heat,

Complaining it is cold when the temp is in the 50’s - 60’s.

Pumpkin everything.

Football, college first then the pro’s.

Serious tailgating.

Leaves ready to be raked right around the time the Christmas tree goes up ( which tends to be Thanksgiving night or the day after turkey day).

Each location has its charm.

I do miss the true division of the seasons but never putting away flip flops for long is part of the trade off.

I do get to use my wood burning fireplace. I do get to wear sweaters. I do put a pumpkin by my front door.

And as the days get shorter, I do hate commuting home in the dark.  Why is it that getting home at 7:30 in the dark seems so much later than getting home at 7:30 while it’s still light out?

With the passing of each day, I get closer to my favorite day of the year. Hallmark will start showing Christmas movies 24/7 on October 25th.

I know, I know there are those of you who do not share my love or obsession regarding Christmas.

Yesterday, Jenn found an ornament she knew I would like.  I didn’t have the heart to put it away.  It found a home next to the ceramic Christmas tree that I leave out all year as a nightlight/decoration.

I have made it a tradition to leave out a few Christmas items (ornaments or some other little items) just as a reminder to me that my favorite day and night will return again.

Meanwhile, enjoy the autumn season no matter where you live.

See you next week.

This is so sad to admit

The company line is work/life balance.

 I like to say life/work balance.

Friday, while I worked at home I realized how out of balance my life is.

Work is insane, out of control, stressful and all consuming.

I didn’t realize how out of tilt I was until around lunchtime.

I had planned to make a can of soup for lunch.

No big task you would think.

I opened the can of soup and added a can of sliced mushrooms.

Into the pot they went.

Then it happened, my reality check about the balance in my life.

I stared at the stove I bought back in February.

I had no idea how to use my dream stove.  It has a flat cook top, double oven where you can cook at
different temps and one of them is also a convection oven (whatever that means).

I took a guess based on the images next to the dials on the stove.

I guessed wrong.

When I get home at night on the nights I commute, Jenn fixes us something like soup.

Easy and quick.

The key words in that sentence above are “ Jenn fixes us”.

Jenn has used the stove and oven many times since February.

I end up too tired from work/life to do anything except grab something from the fridge.

Hummus and celery. String cheese and turkey pepperoni. Nothing fancy or that takes more than an ounce of energy.

Who owns a new stove and finally tries to use it and has no idea how to use it after all this time?

I thought I had it figured out.

I put the pot on the stove, turned on the burner and went back to work.

I guess my sense of hearing and smell are not great.

I thought I heard the soup sizzling.

I thought I smelled the soup.

I went to the stove and poured the soup into a cup.

Back to the table to working.

I took my first mouthful of the yummy, hot lunch.

It was barely warm in fact more cold than luke warm.

I was so hungry I ate it, the cold cream of mushroom soup with sliced mushrooms.

How pathetic is that?

I had a conference call coming up, so I didn’t have time to go hunt down the owners manual to figure out how to use the damn stove.

It was as I sat there eating that cold soup, it hit me again like a 2X4 !

I need to stop preaching to others about LIFE/WORK balance, if I am not going to practice what I preach.

There are always defining moments in life and not knowing how to use a stove I have owned for more than six months is one of them.

Work is not all my life encompasses. It pays the bills, provides challenges and interaction with great people.  I think I am a good manager and I care about my team.

BUT my life is more than just my career.

I have an incredible daughter, a family that loves me and wonderful friends who really do care about me. They all put up with my moods, my highs and lows.

They have all encouraged my to stop and smell the roses and enjoy this journey called life.

How do I take control back?

Baby steps I guess.

When I finish writing this I think I will go find the owners manual for my stove or maybe I can just ask Jenn for a lesson so I can make myself a can of soup tomorrow.

Damn job.

LOL damn stove.

See you next week.

Dorian

We started hearing about a possible hurricane two weeks ago.

Florida was going to take a big hit.

My concerns were twofold.

I have a lot of family and friends in Florida.

My team at work covers the state of Florida.

A hurricane in the mortgage business can put everything at a standstill.  Re-inspections have to be ordered once disaster areas are declared.  Insurance companies stop writing policies until the storm is over.  All this can lead to challenges and  issues.

And of course, there is the worry about family making it through the storm safely.

Then last Saturday things changed, all of a sudden South Carolina was in play.

Sunday, the Governor announced mandatory evacuations for the "Lowcountry" starting at noon the next day.

Lane reversals were set to start Monday.

Monday was supposed to be a day of rest since it was Labor Day.

No such luck. It was packing up day and shut down the house day.

As we got ready to leave, I looked carefully at each room of my house.  Taking pictures in my mind in case it was damaged during the storm.

Jenn has taken pictures and video's of each room in the house for insurance purposes.

One of us was very practical and the other very emotional.

I said a prayer that all would be OK.

I also asked Mom, Dad and Dan to keep an eye on the house.

Tuesday we hit the road at 6:10AM.  We were very lucky traffic was terrific.

We are also blessed to have Mary open her house to us weekly and for evacuations.

We dropped everything at her house and went to work.

Then all we could do was wait and wait and wait.

I was slightly obsessed with the weather reports.

The island I live on was shut down.  The gate at the bridge onto the island was locked.

I couldn't go home even if I wanted to.

Thursday, we were told the mandatory evacuation was lifted. 

Friday, it was time to pack up and head home.

Once again the traffic was not too bad.

As we drove on the island, there were signs of the storm but nothing too catastrophic.

There were some very big branches several feet long in the back of the house.

Our driveway looked like a carpet of leaves and debris.

Inside the house, it looked just as it had when we left Tuesday morning.

Time to put the house back together and unpack.

Drifting off to sleep in our house was wonderful. 

All of my fears had been for no reason.

Saturday morning, I woke up at first light.  I wrapped a blanket around me as I sat in my recliner.  I felt such a sensed of peace.

It was wonderful.

This is the third hurricane in the three years I have lived here.

It was the second time I have evacuated.

It doesn't get any easier with each passing storm.

See you next week.

The Place I Loved Living The Best- (actually the first place)

153rd Street between 3rd Ave and Melrose Avenue in the Bronx: 1955-1963



Living on the top floor in a 5th floor walk-up. The apartment was very hot in the summer as it was right under the roof which consisted of asphalt sheets sealed down with black tar.

On many summer days, Mom would take us kids up to "Tar Beach".  We would play among the clotheslines while Mom sat on a blanket.

The small bedroom I shared with two of my siblings. My parents managed to squeeze in bunk-beds, a crib and large toilet paper boxes which held our toys. One solitary window on the outside wall with a clothesline attached outside of it (no window safety guards back then). Or else there were clotheslines on the roof we could use.

The living room at the end of the long hallway.  During the holidays, a Christmas, the tree was in the corner of the room where you could see it as soon as you walked in the apartment door. There were french doors that led to my parents bedroom and the fire-escape.

The kitchen so small the refrigerator sat in the hallway. Next to the refrigerator was the dumbwaiter.  Hearing the buzzer sound, we kids always raced to help load our trash on board while our next door neighbors did the same task at the same time. Being able to see into someone elses apartment while loading the brown paper bags into the tiny compartment seemed normal to us.

The bathroom was not very big with tub, pedestal sink and pull chain toilet with the water tank over your head.

At each landing, there was on open window between floors. At times you could feel a cool breeze or due to draft pulling air from each floor you could smell the variety of dinners being prepared for all the families residing on the various apartments.

My whole world was on 153rd Street, one solitary block from Melrose Ave to Third Ave.  Cement sidewalks and surprising as it sounds, cobblestone streets. Apartment building after apartment building from one corner  to the next with a few two family houses squeezed in between.. The only trees were in the few backyards of those smaller houses.

Yankee Stadium was just a few blocks away.

My world expanded when I went to kindergarten at PS 3 at 157th Street and Melrose.  It was the same school my Dad attended when he was young.  In fact, my teacher, Mrs. Mackie, had taught my Dad years earlier.  Dad would walk me to school and Mom would pick me up after school.

The next year my world expanded in the other direction, all the way to 149th Street. For the next two years, my brother, George, and I would cross Melrose Ave and walk to 4 blocks to school together.  He was 8 and I was 6.  Two little kids walking alone to school.

By 1963, Dad and Mom decided it was time to move on to another section of the Bronx. 

Years later, this neighborhood along with so many parts of the Bronx were burned to the ground.

 From the New York Post in October 1977:

It was game two of the 1977 World Series, a chilly, blustery October night in the South Bronx. The Yanks were already down 2-0 in the bottom of the first inning when ABC’s aerial camera panned a few blocks over from Yankee Stadium to give the world its first live glimpse of a real Bronx Cookout. “There it is, ladies and gentlemen,” Howard Cosell intoned. “The Bronx is burning.”

Sometime in 1978, we were heading into the Bronx to see a Yankee game.  Dad asked if we wanted to go by the old house.  "Yes!", we all responded.  Driving through block after block of vacant burned out buildings was extremely sad.

Dad pulled up to any empty lot.  A pile of bricks laying where out Bronx apartment building once stood.

It was sad as I thought of the days of Trick or Treating from one floor to the next, bringing our report cards to the neighbors whose children were grown and being rewarded with 25 or 50 cents, carrying our Christmas Tree up all of those flights of stairs, trying to get a piece of coal from the coal chute during the deliveries used to heat our building  and memories of standing on the sidewalk watching one of our neighbors daughters dressed a bride heading off to their new lives.

When people from outside of the New York area hear about my youth, they give me a look such as  "how could you live like that?" or "wasn't it scary?".

It was my life as I knew it.  I never thought of it as being deprived or scared or anything other than normal.  I thought the whole world lived as we did.

Although today's Bronx has been rebuilt which makes me happy.

Those memories of that vacant lot with all of it's rubble are still with me after all of these years.
                                      


See you next week.

Recent happenings and random thoughts

Let me start by telling you I have started writing four blog entries in the last two weeks.

I have saved them for future use.

I just wasn't feeling them. I think at some point I will pick up where I left off and they will be shared.

Their titles are:
The places I loved living best.
People that have changed my life.
The meaning of a buck.
If inanimate objects could talk.

But as I have been advised before by my creative editor, write, write, write.

Here I go with attempt number five.

Jenn paid off her student loans! YAY ! No government free ride for her. I am so proud of her!!

I took several selfies after a recent haircut and color.  I didn't share any of the selfie's. Are you wondering why? I noticed in each picture one of my eyes doesn't open as much as the other.  The more I tried to open the problem eye the other one opened more.  All of a sudden I looked like I had seen something shocking. My eyes were open so wide and yet they still were noticeably not the same size. At least when I look at my C-section scar (which runs up and down and droops unevenly). there was a great reason for that scar.  Eyes that don't open evenly, no good excuse.  It is not droopy eyelids, it is just the eyes don't open evenly.

My staycation this week consisted of:
Naps
Staying up late
Sleeping late
Binge watching shows
Morning coffee at Waterfront Park
Friday afternoon cocktail hour at the beach


I also checked my Itunes account and had a lot of money sitting out there from gift cards. I decided to buy some of my favorites movies. 

My collection now includes:
The Intern
Under the Tuscan Sun
The Proposal
Devil Wears Prada
It's Complicated

Along with my random thoughts, I read something that was true and made me laugh. The one skill from High School that I use each day is not Algebra, History or Science. 

It is typing or is now called keyboarding. 

Think about it.  Every single day.  My mistake was peeking at the keys when I took typing class in high school.  Because of my peeking, I have gotten through college and my entire work history typing with just two fingers.  The pointer finger on each hand is all I have ever used. Yes, I am old enough to say I took TYPING as a class.  In case you are wondering, yes, it was an electric typewriter. I will admit when I was young I actually used a manual model my Dad owned.

Well there you have it, the blog entry I finally got through with all of it's randomness.

Just one more thing I heard during my binge watching that I loved.

Quote of the week from the TV show The Middle.

It's about each person's legacy and how we all march to the beat of a different drummer and you know what!  That is OK !!!

The Middle- Sue Graduation

See you next week.  Promise!

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

How many times were you asked a a child, "what do you want to be when you grow up?'

In Elementary School, I always gave the same answer "I wanted to be a teacher".

In high school, I thought about being a Physical Therapist.  But you have to be good in Science so that idea fell by the wayside,  plus the University that had a great physical therapy program was way out of my price range (or student loan range).

By the time I started college, reality had set in. I knew I loved writing.  Well, how about being a journalism major?  YES, first major.

Was I ever going to make a decent salary as a journalist?  Probably not.

Next, back to the ides of being a teacher.  Loved the classes.  But as I looked toward student teaching, I knew I could not afford to give up my day job in order complete that part of the curriculum.

I finally met with an Academic Advisor.

My question, what can I get a degree in with all the credit I have earned?

I could earn a B.A. in Behavioral Sciences (combination of Psych and Sociology).  OK that works for me. Give me my diploma and I can move on.

So what kind of employment can I seek with that degree?  I had no idea.

I got my first real job as a bank teller.  I have to say it was fun. But the salary was pathetic plus I now had student loan payments added to my budget. I stayed at that job a year.

Next, it was a job in New York City.  One block from the World Trade Center right on Broadway. Working in the Big Apple.

I worked as a trading assistant on the Government Trading Desk. 

A long way from my degree and teaching.

After becoming a Mom, I needed to work closer to home so I entered the world of branch banking again.

People would come in and ask for help filling out their mortgage applications (yes, back then you filled out a paper application).  We were also buying our first house and going through the mortgage process ourselves.

It seemed kind of fun.

Fast forward a zillion years and I am still working in the mortgage industry.

I have done in-house originations, processing, underwriting, and relocation closing.

I have been a Processing Manager, Underwriting Manager, Closing Manager and a Lending Partnership Manager.

I doubt anyone as a child said, "I would like to work in the mortgage industry".

But here I am all these years later.  It has it's challenges and rewards.

Right now, it is insanely busy and exhausting and that is normal for this time of the year.

My degree in Behavioral Sciences has come in handy as I try to figure people out - customers, loan officers, counter-parts, management and my team members.

In the last few years, I have started working again at my first love- writing.

As many of you know, I have two books in process, I have been writing profiles for a local magazine, I am working on an article or two that hopefully will end up in a national magazine and yes of course, this weekly blog.

I wish I more time and the energy to devote to my writing.  Right now my full time job is a job and a half so the down time is precious.  I am very fortunate to have my friend, Mary, open her house to Jenn and I a few nights each week which saves us 300 miles and 6 hours in the car any given day. 

What would we do without friends?  Although, I think Mary may get a little worried at times when at the end of the day I say, "what time do you want to go home?'  Yes, LOL I call her house home!!

See you next week.

Does Anyone Still Use?

While watching a TV show yesterday, I saw something I hadn't thought of in a long time.

A blue book used for exam's.  I posted about it on FB and received a variety of responses.  From they are still used in Catholic Schools to everything is done online.

Does anyone still use their night rear view mirror?  I do but am not sure if that is because of the way I was taught to drive.

I do not have to look over my shoulder anymore when backing up. My car has a backup camera.

I don't even have to hold my foot on the break at a traffic light.  I have something called break hold that keeps the car in place once I press on the brakes.  I can take my foot off the brake and the car doesn't move.

Does anyone still learn how to drive standard shift?  I have heard it costs more to get a standard shift car vs automatic.  It used to be the reverse.  I loved driving standard, although I never mastered standard on the column.

Who has a house phone anymore?  I wouldn't have one except that I need it for the security system in my house.

I don't have to go to a library any more. I can borrower books through app's on my IPAD.

I don't need the research section of the library or the encyclopedia's my Dad paid on monthly for a long time until paid off. After that we would get the annual update book that arrived once a year. Now, we have the internet.

Super 8 movie camera's to video camera's to taking video's on my phone, my how the world has changed.

From my childhood where we had one TV and it received 7 channels with rabbit ear antenna's or an antenna on the roof.  Then, we all discovered the joys of cable TV (and the ever growing bills). Now, I have app's such as Netflix, Hulu and Sling and more options from those 3 app's that anyone could have imagined.

Yet, I still use my wooden rolling pin when baking.  I still prefer using a hand chopper for ingredients when baking. And an egg beater still does it's job just as well as a hand blender or emulsifier. I still own a potato masher which I use a few times a year when I make "real" mashed potato's.

Getting a variety of vegetables out to the table hot is not as big an accomplishment with stove that includes a double oven with 4 burners and a heating section in the middle of the burners. Mom did it with one oven and 4 gas burners.

I prefer to hand wash and hand dry my dishes vs the dishwasher. Once I can figure out how to not have water remnants on the items in the top rack of the dish washer, I might use it more often.

While I couldn't imagine life without my dryer, I do miss the smell of laundry fresh off the clotheline.

I remember waiting for a favorite song on the radio and trying to record it on my stereo, ancient.  And now ITunes might appear antiquated.

Life changes so fast I can barely keep up with it.  Many times, I have to ask Jenn how to do or use something.

My brain still works like a card catalog in a library not like google.

And I am sure I am not alone in that thought process.

Am I ?

See you next week.

Christmas in July

As Charles Dickens wrote, " I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year through."

I know, I know, I make people crazy about Christmas.

For some people, the season starts the day after Halloween. For others, it's Thanksgiving night or the day after Thanksgiving.  Others wait until December 24th.

Then there are the "crazy for Christmas" people of which I am one.

Our Christmas season starts early, very early.

Like in July.

Hallmark has been on the bandwagon for a couple of years.

We picked up our Hallmark ornament books in early May.

For the 10th anniversary of Hallmark Christmas, they have been running a Christmas movie every Thursday and Friday night all through this year.

 Also,  Hallmark has  Christmas in July with 24/7 movies from June 28th through to July 28th.  Four weeks in the middle of the year to get in the holiday spirit.

Surprisingly, the Lifetime Channel ran the movie, "Elf" last Friday night too.

Once the movies end on July 28th, there are only 13 weeks until I  know I can watch a Christmas movie any time of the day.  Nirvana !

I also notice during a commercial break from "Elf" Lifetime is now going to show Christmas movies starting in October. 

I am sure these channel are not just doing this for my benefit.

This week on July 4th, Jenn and I will be making Christmas ornaments as we have every 4th of July for the last 30 years. I wish I had taken pictures of our projects from each year.

It is easy to forget it is July sitting in the house with the central air running.

You will note, I have not mentioned presents.  Yes, I do keep a running list through out the year as ideas pop into my head but Christmas is not all about the gifts. 

It's about the way the holidays make you feel.

That also means there is a bit of melancholy in the air too. 

The same way my mind wanders back to those amazing Christmas's past, I also think back on the summer holidays from years back.

Family and friends gatherings with the grill going during the day. Everyone heading to see the fireworks.  Many years, we watched them in a local cemetery (yes, cemetery) with our friends.  Blankets spread out, coolers opened that were filled with cold beverages as the conversation flowed until the first sights and sounds of the colorful light displays could be seen.  The group chorus's of "ooh's and ah's" with each explosion.

And the year when my Dad was not well enough to join us.  He and Mom stayed home.  When we came back to the house after the fireworks, they told us how they could hear the cracking and popping of the fireworks.  Dad closed his eyes as he told us what he heard. It was clear in his mind he could visualize what was going on in town.

The ache of missing those that shared the holidays with us is not only tied to Thanksgiving and Christmas. We can have that same sense of loss in July too.

I guess whether it be Dec 25th or July 4th, we need to celebrate for those we have in our lives, those we have lost and savor the memories, as we make new memories too.

Thanks Hallmark for reminding me of how blessed I have been.  I need to remember that on the tough days when life might be a little more of a struggle.

Happy July 4th !!!

And an early Merry Christmas!!

See you next week.

No surprise here.....it's about Dads/Fathers Day

Everyone has a Father.

Not everyone has a Dad.

Dad and Father, worlds apart in definition and the way they approach the role of a parent.

A Father makes the obvious biological contribution.

A Dad helps mold you into the person you end up being.  Values, advice, dependable, encouraging are just part of the requirements of being a good Dad.

Dad's are there every day and that means so much.  It teaches commitment and responsibility.

Dad's have the ability to share disappointment without destruction.

Fathers often use cruelty or verbal abuse as a tool for the frustrations they may have in their own lives and upbringing. They build themselves up while tearing down the people they should care about the most.

The scars can fade but never completely disappear  Yes, children forgive but don't forget.

Having no regrets about the ability to tear someone down and moving on as if nothing has happened is what a Father does not a Dad.

Dad's don't remind you of what they had to give up for you.  What child wants to hear  "if it wasn't for you I could have....".  Fathers will say those words. Dad’s don’t.

Dad's don't have to get angry.  They can say something as simple as "I am disappointed in you" and the impact is huge.

Dad's want you to succeed and they celebrate it with you.

It is easy to be a Father.  It takes work to be a Dad.

It is a shame the Father's don't realize they missed the boat.  They missed the relationships, the true love of a child versus the obligatory/forced love a child feels they must express but truly do not feel.

Those with Fathers are sometimes fortunate to have a Dad come into their lives.

Thanks to the Dad's.

Our children's lives are so much richer because of you.

Happy Dad's Day !!

See you next week!!

The Curve Balls

Sunday is bill day in my house.

The bills are juggled and sorted by balance, due date and priority.

It is like shuffling a deck of cards.

I gave up cable for Hulu and Netfilx.

I watch the number of GB I use on my cell phone each month.  I do not want extra fees.

I use Gas Buddy to find the lowest price in gas.

I head to Publix and CVS for the BOGO sales.

I use my toothpaste and shampoo to the last drop. Yes, I do add water to the shampoo bottle to get that one extra wash of my hair.

Soda has been replaced by water which saves a lot of money.

When I leave the house each week for my two night stay in Lexington, I turn off the central air.

I can't remember the last time I paid full price for any clothing.  I wait for the sales.

I drive to the landfill versus paying for trash pickup.

I now have a car payment, I am saving a lot on gas as my new car is more fuel efficient.

I plan my meals and don't mind eating soup three to four times a week.

I use a K cup for two cups of coffee vs. one.

With all these choices, I can get by,

But like with most people, it is the unplanned events that can throw the finances into a tailspin.

In the last  few months, it was car repair bills and frequent oil changes due to the high mileage on my old vehicle.

Laying out cash until I hit the deductible on my medical coverage or the $400 out of pocket for my eyeglasses.  There is the $235 per month out of pocket for my maintenance inhaler for my asthma. These are not items included in my monthly budget.

But still I manage to make it work as I move the money around like a dealer in Vegas.

I just paid to have my dryer vent cleaned out.  I always have a fear of a fire due to all of the "stuff" that accumulates in that long hose out of the house.

I know it is important to have regular maintenance checks on appliances and systems in the house.

Then you notice water on the living room ceiling in not one but four spots.  Call the A/C man, and it appears the pan under the unit is rusted very badly and now has holes.

Options are a smaller amount to have the old unit taken down, the pan replaced and the unit reinstalled. Or bite the bullet and get a new unit.  After a few phone calls for advice, I opted to go for the new unit to replace the 15 year old one.

Up bright and early Saturday.  Installation starts at 7:30 and by 9:45, voila it's all done.

If I had any idea this big bill was going to be rolling in, I might not have bought the new kitchen appliances or the new car.  While the appliances that were replaced were not broken at 30 years old they had pretty much reached the end of their economic life.  The new car replaced a 12 year old car with over 200,000 miles, oil changes every 5 weeks and repair bills that were adding up.

Common sense decisions but yes, I am second guessing those decisions based on the bill for this weeks HVAC replacement.

Well, once again it is Sunday and I am shuffling the bills looking for a "royal straight flush" instead of  "a pair of deuces".

Somehow I will make it work, I always have up until now.

Time to deal the cards and hope no new unexpected surprises surface at least for this week.

See you next week.

We grew up with the same parents

I have spent the last few days with two of my siblings.

Now that the weekend is over, I started to think about my two brothers and sister.  We are all so different.

How can 4 individuals with the same DNA and same parents turn out so differently?

George and I shared the various places my parents called home for about 16 years. Then he went off and joined the Marines.

Cheryl and I shared a room for 19 years. She left to get married.

Greg and I lived under the same roof for 16 years. I finally moved out when I got married.

My poor parents put up with me for 26 years.  I was with them longer than any of my siblings.

George and Greg's time together was the shortest. Just a scant 6 years.

It is the first time I realized that fact, just 6 years together.

Makes me sad as I have memories that are about all of us.  But they really were not about all of us, it was some part of the family not all of the Raboni's.

Now that I think of it, maybe we were in fact raised by different parents.

George, Cheryl and I were the children of the "hungry years" for my parents.  They didn't have much money as Dad worked and went to school.  And Mom had us kids, 24/7.

Greg came along the year before Dad finished Law School.

Greg had more time with Dad as he was home more.  No longer in school or working 2 jobs. But he also had the shortest period of time since Dad was gone when Greg was 19.

There was also more money for life in general.  During the short few years when we were all together, there were camping trips across county and vacations at the Jersey Shore.

But looking back in retrospect, those 6 overlapping years were all we truly had as a family living together.

Not much time.

No wonder our memories are so different.

No wonder we look at our parents from different viewpoints.

We either had the parents who were young and inexperienced or the parent who knew his time was running out. Too soon.

I wish Dad had gotten to know his grandchildren as Mom did. I wish he could have been there for their graduations as Mom was.  I wish he could have seen his children grow up, raise their families and become individuals not just George and Irene's kids.

My siblings took very different paths.  Greg did the physical work.  George, a police officer.  Cheryl worked in schools and day care centers always spending time with children.  I was the only one who had a traditional "office" job with various financial institutions.

The four of us have caught up with each other at one time or another over the last 7 years.  But one of us has always been missing.

Life has gotten in the way.

Last week, I heard this said " Days are long but years are short." The Goldberg's TV show.

I need to be better at making sure to see my siblings and enjoy the time I have with them.

We all need to be better about seeing each other. George and Irene would agree.


See you next week.

Balancing Out Life

How many times have we heard  "when our lives are over we won't regret not spending more time at the office."

Work is a major part of our lives.  Our jobs are part of our identity.  And it pays the bills.

Letting our jobs consume us is not the way to go.

We can be good at our jobs, love our jobs and be passionate about our jobs .

I have woken up every night for the last few weeks thinking about work, dreaming about work and never leaving the office behind.

Reading emails in the car, scanning emails before I fall asleep and as soon as I wake up and my iphone alarm set so I don't miss the Friday morning Managers Conf Call.

Checking time cards on Sundays in case I am running late or have meetings on Monday. A couple of hours on a Saturday taking mandatory classes that I never seem to have time for during the week.

I have been breaking my own rules and the promises I have made to myself.  I have said over and over again to shut down at the end of the day.  Shut down not just my laptop but my brain regarding work.

It is very hard to do after years and years of a work ethic installed in me by my Dad.

BUT

We must take time to recharge our batteries regularly.

Musts include sleep, naps (not at work) and rest.

I have asked my friends to help me, remind me and push me to shut down.

A night of not waking to think "Did I send that email? Did I return that call? What is my game plan for tomorrow?" would be nirvana.

I do enjoy the sunrises and sunsets.

I wave to the crossing guard who waves at everyone driving by the school on Highway 21.

And Friday nights are my favorite knowing I have two more days off.

The problem is I am pretty worn out by the weekend and don't feel like doing much. Is that really bad?  I get to rest while I play games on my IPAD, binge watch TV shows, take naps and now that the weather is getting warmer time for the pool on the weekends.

I have to push myself to spend more time writing.  I have not been as dedicated to finding that time on a regular basis.  I have a book in the works and an article that might have potential for a Woman's magazine in draft form and a great idea for another article.

Being able to disconnect needs to move front and center.

I know my fear of falling will limit some opportunities. I know my discomfort of crowds may mean saying no to some events.  I know my mild  (LOL) obsession with having to know the "lay of the land" before I go somewhere new can lead to stress for me.  I am trying to push myself to face those fears.

My life must not end with someone saying, "What a great employee!"

I want people saying "She knew how to live and didn't pass up a chance to have fun."

So I begin again on this Sunday, promising myself to seek the LIFE/work balance this week and the week after that and the next week.

I am making this a priority for me.

Wish me luck.

See you next week.

Gestures Not Words

There was a sense of security I felt walking with my Dad holding his hand.  He would squeeze my hand.  I took it as a way of saying I love you.  I would always squeeze it back.

Such a small gesture that meant so much to me.

During my last days with my Mom, I would reach out and squeeze her hand.  The same gesture I had learned as a child.

I have done the same thing with Jenn from when she was young.

Sometimes gestures speak louder than words.

Random acts of kindness.  Moments of joy that you can see on someone's face.

No words required.

Finding a rose on my desk in the morning after a particularly bad day the day before.

Coffee appearing on  my desk each morning (of course me after coffee benefits all).

Someone stopping by to grab my hydraflask to fill it with ice for me (knowing I need to drink more water than I do now).

Having a friend stop by and with Jenn, getting the lovely quilted wall hanging up in my bedroom.

Watching Jeter fall asleep on my bed.  Snapping a picture of him looking like a puppy resting peacefully.

Squeeze of a hand, a cup of coffee, a wall hanging and a sleeping puppy what a combination.

These are the kind of small things that get me through a lousy day, a bad week, month end and all the other parts of life than can wear me down, wipe me out or make me sad.

I am grateful to those who took or take the time to show they care about me.

Sending a "hand squeeze" to each of you or I guess now the right term would be "hand hug" (although we know hugs are not my specialty).

See you next week.

The Kid Inside Me

I doubt at this point in my life it will ever happen.  I hope I never get to the point where I stop enjoying the little things that life has to offer.

Last week, I wrote about eight good things that had taken place recently. I think I am very good at appreciating what life has to offer. Honestly though, I know I have been envious of many at different times. That's just human nature.

Maybe it all began when I was young and my parents really did not have a lot of anything including money.

The first world I remember was the bedroom I shared with my brother and later on my sister too.

It was a long narrow room with a solitary window on the outside wall.  Into this shoe box shaped room were bunk beds, a rather large closet that stuck out from the wall, a raw wood platform about 12 inches high which held large toilet paper boxes in which our toys were kept.  Eventually my parents squeezed a crib into the small space too.  I don't think there was more than 12 to 18 inches between the bed and the crib.

Our kitchen was so small that the refrigerator actually sat in the hallway behind our front door and next to the dumbwaiter.

A living room was at the end of the hallway and french doors led to my parents room.

It was a pretty common layout in Bronx apartments.

I think I had a sense of awareness my parents did not have much money.  They did try to make sure we had what we needed but not all we wanted.

I never took for granted the shopping trips for schools clothes, trips to the Bronx Zoo on free admission days or any of the occasional treats they could afford.

As a kid you do remember the little things.  Not having a pack of tissues in school, getting sensible shoes, putting rubber bands around the tops of knee socks where the elastic has lost is stretchiness and using a bar of soap to not only bathe with but to wash your hair with too (there was no such thing as shampoo which was a luxury item). At the school assemblies on Wednesday, we were required to wear a white shirt and red tie.  For some reason, my parents didn't have a girl's bow-tie for me so I had to wear a red boys tie instead. I always dreamed about being on the hot lunch line with some of my friends but was always on the brown bag or lunchbox line.  To me the thought of a hot lunch was for the rich.  We did pay a small amount to get milk at lunch and we didn't dare lose out lunch tag which proved we had paid for our milk.  I even viewed the kids who had chocolate milk or orange drink with eyes green with envy. I couldn't help but dream about being one of those kids who had those fancy book-covers all shiny with pictures on them  as compared to mine made from brown paper bags

Most anything we had was practical, sensible and had a lifetime guarantee.

I can remember the thrill of getting a blue bic ballpoint pen.  It cost 19 cents at the time.  To me it was so much better than the number two pencils my mother used to sharpen for us with a knife. Or sometimes, I would wait until I got to school and use the classroom pencil sharpener which gave them the real pointy edge versus the kind of funny shape the point of a pencil would have when the knife was used at home.

I still now these many years later use my pens until every bit of ink has run out .  Old habits die hard.

This year, I have been fortune enough to get some new kitchen appliances and a new car. Part of me feels a sense of guilt.

Why you might ask?

The memory of that little girl from the South Bronx is still lurking around.

The times I saw my parents struggle haven't faded as much as I had hoped.

I still know the meaning of a buck.

Maybe that is why I still appreciate a new pen (although they are now gel pens that I love), having a few extra emergency bucks in my wallet and always, always having a packet of kleenex gives me a sense of security.

See you next week.