Mirror, Mirror...

99% of people do not look great naked. Everyone has their flaws or things they would like to change. I know how my butt, stomach and thighs look....not so good. I have accepted that fact. I am working on it.

I have a mirror on my desk. I have it because the way my desk is situated someone could walk up behind me and I wouldn't see them. I have been known to be so focused on work that when someone comes up behind me they startle me and I scream. Not very pretty.....LOL. I also have a cubicaller (it is a doorbell for my cube)...it does give me advanced warning when someone is coming into my workspace.

Anyway, about the mirror. It does come in handy but also I catch glances of myself all day. I fix my hair each time I look in it (we all know how I am about my hair). Yesterday was different. I was wearing a top I hadn't worn in ages. A striped top in Easter colors of pink, purple and white. I caught a glance of the top in the mirror and then I saw something else.....I wasn't sure what it was. I looked again in the mirror and had to look hard. It was my arm. What had caught my eye was the skin on my arm. It was hanging and was something I had never really noticed before. I tried to pull my short sleeves down to my elbows so I didn't have to look at it. The skin looked like friggin wings hanging there. I have been so busy focusing on the lower half of my body it never dawned on me that my arms were kind of ugly too.

OK so now I know why I have been doing arm work too. I am going to double my efforts on my arms so that when I put my arms out to my side I don't look like I am going to take flight any minute.

My next worry......what other parts of my body have I missed focusing on.....my ears???? my nose???? Did I mention that the birthmark I have had since birth but had faded between my eyes has decided to surface again recently? Each day when I put on my make-up there it is....red like a sunburn between my eyes.

I don't know what else there is to focus on......maybe I should just take down the mirror.....but if I did then I might miss seeing the improvements taking place.....and if it broke....well I sure don't need 7 years bad luck.....so the mirror stays and in it I will hopefully see parts of me that are starting to disappear....

Time To Stop Letting People Hurt Me....

In order to get to the happy place I referenced in my last post I need to really focus on the topic of this entry. I am way too sensitive. I get hurt way too easily. I do not let people know when they hurt me for fear of hurting them (OK how silly is that). I know many times people do not mean to hurt me or even give what they do that hurts me a second thought. I don't know why I still feel the need to be accepted, included and part of the crowd.

This week I attended a lunch and learn meeting. The first thing we had to do was look at a picture and give our thoughts on what it meant to us. It was a group of people with eggheads sitting at a table in a meeting. When it was my turn I said it reminded me of when I was in elementary school and junior high. I was in the IGC class (intellectually gifted children) and the SPE (special progress class). LOL....I know the fact that I even made the cut into these classes may surprise many of you!!! I never felt I belonged and was only there because there was an extra desk. My biggest fear each year was being dropped from the class. It never happened. I told the group I was not at the table with the eggheads. I said I would probably have drawn myself in the room but at a table by myself.

So here is my struggle.....do I speak up and let people know they hurt me? Do I just try to push the hurt aside? What do I do? Let's face it at my age my sensitivity is probably not going to change......so what to do?

OK to all of you armchair therapists......why am I still seeking acceptance and love?? Is it something we all desire throughout our lives and we just do not speak of it or am I just a mess......

I am going to try and suck it up a little more and not let things hurt me so easily........we will see how it goes......

Dress It Up

I am trying to change from the girl in the solid shirt and the solid slacks. I have been in a rut as far as clothes go. I have moments like the wedding last year when I break out into a top that has bold colors and prints. So now that it is spring time to try and pick out some tops that not solid black, blue, green and red. Boring....

I always wear solid slacks so the print tops will go with almost anything. I have been searching for tops that are not so loose....more form fitting. I have solid color tank tops so getting something to go over them should be easy. I am going to try to find some sheer tops like the now famous "Oprah" top and enough other tops to not get bored.

I am going to order another bathing suit....OK these I do in solids....royal blue, black and eggplant but I am going to try and get a multi-color cover-up. Did you know bras come in colors other than white, beige and black??? I now have a rose color one and a am going to order one in a navy and maybe pink. Am I walking on the wild side or not????

I am going to get some new night shirts.....I tend to wear them until they have holes in them and are threadbare.....I think at this point in my life I can treat myself to something more than the bare basics.

Shoes......I guess there is something more than crocs and flip flops.....right? It is very difficult for me to find a comfortable shoe. I will keep searching but for now it will be yellow boxes and crocs.....

Any I going crazy......no.....I just feel I am allowed to have a decent wardrobe and not feel guilty about it.....right?? OK then why am I feeling guilty.......time for more therapy......

Being Happy With Who I Am Now....

After many hours on the therapist couch.....LOL....not really....but I think we could all use some therapy. I tend to get mine through my friends and by talking to myself (in my head that is not out loud....LOL).

I have to accept and love myself as I am now.....warts and all. If I cannot get to that place then I will never be happy no matter how much I change. I have moments of confidence and happiness and dare I say it delight. Even an occasional bit of joy thrown in. But sometimes I have to fight the dark cloud that seems to follow me. My lot in life is not perfect but if I can ignore the things that drag me down I think I can be on a more positive track. This may take some work but I am going to really make a concerted effort to stay on the glass is half full side of the street. No, I am not going to change into Mary Poppins but I can do a better job at focusing on the positive.

Donna's things to be happy about:

95% of the time I love my job.
I am now planning to do some things around the house to improve it.
Doing some shopping for me.
Saying yes more and no less.
More time with family and friends.
Going to the gym.
Continuing to finds healthy options with regard to food.
Stop looking at what others have and be happy with what I have or what I will have.

Making changes in attitude will be as hard if not harder than the work to get healthy and eat healthy. But I can do it.....I know I can.

The Gym and The Scale

We are very much back into our 4 times a week at the gym. It feels good to be back in a routine. I have done some more reading about Water Jogging and really have found my passion in exercise. I am thinking about maybe doing 15 minutes or a mile on the elliptical and then heading to the pool to jog for a while. I will let you know how that goes. I would have to wear my bathing suit under my shorts and t-shirt then get all sweaty and take it off to go in the pool and then put it back on when I get out of the pool??? Hhhhmmm.....I may have to think on that one. I hate carrying a bunch of stuff into the gym but if I don't want to put sweaty clothes back on I would have to bring another outfit to wear home. While the hell don't I just bring a rolling suitcase in with me???? OK this is way to much to think about.....I will have to see how it goes....oh and I forgot I would have to bring my sneakers and another pair of shoes.....who wants to put sweaty socks and sneakers back on after the pool. And I will be carrying out sweaty clothes mixed with the salt water smelling bathing suit and towel.....OK I am getting way ahead of myself. I do think I have to find some thing to use to play music while I am in the pool. The time does go fast but having music would make it even better.

I also got back on the scale after a several week absence. I was going to weigh myself on Tuesday morning but decided I has eaten pasta the night before and that might make me too heavy.....so I weighed myself on Thursday after a light dinner Wednesday night......do you see how obsessive I am about this. I only weighed myself 4 times which is good for me and the scale numbers were all favorable. But not what I was hoping for.... I have to continue to tweak things so I can continue to move in the right direction. I guess I was a little disappointed because this week I actually thought once or twice that my clothes felt looser......maybe the only thing looser is the brains in my head.....

I have to continue to remind myself that I am much healthier than I was 2 years ago, that I am eating much healthier than I did 2 years ago and I am in better shape than I was 2 years ago.....no matter what anyone else says or thinks.

Where would I be now if I had not started to exercise, eat healthier and lose weight?? I know I would have been heavier and less mobile. I have to remind myself of that and give myself an occasionally pat on the back along with the occasional kick in the butt to keep going. Yes, there are times when I feel sorry for myself when I see the speed at which others are moving toward success but I need to remember each in their own time......and my time is now.

Family and Friends

My sister and I talk several times a week, my younger brother and I were on the phone for an hour and 20 minutes last night, my older brother and I always talked every few weeks and that hasn't changed. My need to talk to them is very strong even thought there may be nothing new to say. I ask my sister about her granddaughter and love the excitement and joy in her voice when she talks about her. My older brother is falling in love with his granddaughter and is looking forward to the arrival of his second granddaughter in a few months. My younger brother and I talk about the house he and his wife are buying. They are so excited about it. Life goes on......

But in each conversation Mom does come up. She would have been pleased that Greg and Terry are buying a home. I could picture her walking around it and loving it. I know she would have enjoyed getting to know the greatgrandaughter she never got to meet in person and the one arriving in May. She did know that the new baby was going to be a girl. My sister and I spend a great deal of time talking about Mom.....so far we have been lucky and when I am having a down day she is OK and visa versa. I think we have both only had a bad moment at the same time twice since January.

I don't think my friends know how important they are to me.....especially right now.....I am going through one of the most difficult experiences of my life and without them I don't know where I would be. I would like to thank them for taking my calls and texts. For checking in on me and when I say I am not having a good day they understand.

I am trying to move ahead and think most days I am doing OK. Thank goodness for my family and my friends. Is it crazy to want to talk about her all the time? Is it crazy to not want to erase the last 2 voice messages I have on my cell phone from her? Is it crazy to still think she is still somewhere on vacation? Is it silly to write about her?

I have learned how to keep breathing. I have learned how to keep moving. I try to keep my tears in check as much as I can when I am with others. And while my heart will never totally mend......eventually I will get to a point where the ache won't be so bad all the time. But even I have to give myself some time......and I hope you are all patient while I work through this process. I am grateful to each and every one of you for being there for me......

The Portion Thing...

We are several weeks into the eating the right portion sizes for Lent. I think we will continue doing this even after the Easter Bunny has come and gone. Jenn and I have never overindulged in our eating (but we have never really measured or counted out what we eat....we just kind of eyeball it). We now use the weight watcher food scale that was collecting dust on the counter. It is amazing how accurate it is. We use smaller plates. And we count......I count the number of pretzels in a portion, we count the number of M&M's in a portion (anywhere from 25-29), we know how much linguine is a serving. We also now check out how much protein, fat, carbs and sugar are in something.....not just the calories. We are trying to experiment with different combinations of foods. Yes, a hamburger can be eaten without a bun. Yes, egg whites can make a good omelet. Yes, it is OK to have a treat now and then just keep track of it.

When my brother came to visit I asked him to bring 2 boxes of Devil Dogs and 2 boxes of Funny Bones for Jenn and me. Bob asked for 2 boxes of Coffee Cakes and 2 boxes of Yankee Doodles. Guess whose is gone already....not mine and Jenn's. In fact, Bob asked how many of the Devil Dogs and Funny Bones had I eaten......I told him Jenn and I had shared one Devil Dog. He looked at me like I was crazy. He said "why are you hoarding them?". I didn't think I was.....I was just being sensible.Thank goodness for the freezer....LOL. As I said before a little treat every now and then doesn't hurt.

I never was one to eat a sleeve of cookies but also never stopped to think 3 oreo's is a portion. Making a circle between your pointer finger and the middle of your thumb....the size of that circle is how much uncooked linguine is a serving. We had soup for dinner the other night and Jenn used smaller bowls than usual.....guess what.....it was the right amount. When we were done I wasn't busting at the seams full but I was satisfied. I really am trying to switch around what I eat. I found something called the "alternative bagel" at Publix. It is high in protein and fiber and low in sugar....only 110 calories. OK it is NOT as good as Panera's Cinnamon Crunch Bagel or the Asiago Cheese bagel but it serves it purpose for breakfast.

And we are all allowed to splurge every now and then but the portion thing is really a new twist for me. I grew up in the age of the clean plate club. Our meals while very tasty were laden with sauces and butter and carbs and fat. Crumb buns were eaten with butter, french toast had butter and sugar poured over it, veggies had sauces, we ate gravy on heaping piles of mashed potato's and never gave any of it a thought. Sugary buns from the bakery on Sunday mornings. Whole milk, butter, eggs, salt on everything.....nothing low fat or heaven forbid fat free. Now to me whole milk tastes so thick.....I never thought I would get used to skim milk but now that is all I drink. Would I love 2 eggs over easy, some home fries, a serving of corn beef hash and a few slices of rye toast with butter.....hell yes.....but each time I think of it my arteries start to clog. Now I am not saying we have the healthiest eating house around....I know others who really earn that award but at least Jenn and I think before we eat. We plan more.....we are a work in progress.....but we are eating a hell of a lot healthier than we used to.....and the portion thing....it is now part of us too.