My Dad dies when I was 29. Jenn was just 2 1/2 months old. I have already outlived him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I still miss him.....a lot. I always thought of myself as my father's daughter.
And I was sure that I was not one of my Mom's favorites.
Why did I think that? I don't know.....the other's seemed to connect with her more than I did. I connected with my Dad.
So when Dad died I struggled.
As an adult I now had to build a relationship with my Mom. Not that we were enemies.....we were just different. As a wife.....my Mom knocked it out of the park. As a wife, I was no where near as good as my Mom. But we did find a way to connect.....through Jenn. I was able to learn a lot from my Mom about being a Mom. She rocks as a grandmother. With 11 grandchildren....she found a way to love them each for their special gifts. Jenn could always call her Nannie to celebrate anything....from a 100 on a math test to finding a dress for the prom. Mom was there for all her big events......christening.....kindergarten celebration....high school graduation...... graduation with her Master's Degree.
For all of those events.....there was Mom front and center. I didn't know how Mom would make it without Dad. He had been the center of her universe. She did make it......there may have been some bumps along the road but she did find a world without Dad and it was a world in which she traveled and worked and made her grandchildren her focus. Now she has been blessed with greatgrandchildren.
As the years passed, we started to talk every day or every other day. Sometime there wasn't much to say other times we would chat for an hour. Each night when I leave work I call her to catch up. I consider it our time. If my Dad had lived longer.....I may never have gotten to know my Mom.
She has been battling cancer for the last 2 years......she has gone through chemo, nausea, loss of appetite and all that goes with that dreaded disease. She has fought a battle that my Dad would have been proud of .....not one to complain......she did what she needed to do. Lately, she has been struggling with health issues......as I write this she is in the hospital.....the second round of chemo has taken it's toll on her.......I pray that she will recover enough to come home and regain some of her independence.
I am grateful that we did get to spend last Christmas and New Year's Day together. I am planning to visit her in February. It will be good to spend sometime with her.
Her illness has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Being so far away has made it difficult. Some days I can talk about Mom and I am fine......other days or moments I am reduced to tears.
I am grateful that as an adult I have gotten to know her. Yes, there are times we make each other crazy but she has also been there for me when I needed someone to talk to......I never have had any doubt that she has always had my back....just like a Mom should....
Saturday, December 31, 2011
How Have I Done? Can I Succeed?
As I look back on the last 2 years when this journey began I am no where near where I thought or hoped I would be. I guess I was expecting bigger things of myself then came to pass. My confidence has grown and so has my self-esteem....not as much as it needs to but that's OK. Yes, I am down a size or two and some serious pounds have come off but not what I had dreamed would at the start. I have learned to eat when I am hungry.....what a novel idea. I have experimented with different foods. I pack lunches that are somewhat diversified. Hummus and crackers or pretzels, flatbread and weight watchers cream cheese for breakfast. I am going to start making soups to bring in my thermos for lunch.
Does the fact that I am not at my dream size make me a failure......two years ago I would have said yes.....now I can say no.....
I have learned it not just about size........
It is about so many other things......learning to face my fears, celebrate my accomplishments, allow myself to fall and get back up, really getting to know me for the first time in my life.....
I may not get to that dream size or run in a marathon or play a piano or climb a mountain or bungee jump off a bridge......but the list of things I might do has grown tremendously in the last few years.....I have flown alone, I have walked on to the gym floor and worked out without being self conscious some of the time, I am starting to make decisions that are good for ME......ME ME ME......it is finally about me......
Am I a failure? NO........failure is not an option (I love that line from Apollo 13)....I am a work in progress.....hang in there with me.....walk along side of me.....help me to keep my focus......I am only just beginning to see what I can be......
Does the fact that I am not at my dream size make me a failure......two years ago I would have said yes.....now I can say no.....
I have learned it not just about size........
It is about so many other things......learning to face my fears, celebrate my accomplishments, allow myself to fall and get back up, really getting to know me for the first time in my life.....
I may not get to that dream size or run in a marathon or play a piano or climb a mountain or bungee jump off a bridge......but the list of things I might do has grown tremendously in the last few years.....I have flown alone, I have walked on to the gym floor and worked out without being self conscious some of the time, I am starting to make decisions that are good for ME......ME ME ME......it is finally about me......
Am I a failure? NO........failure is not an option (I love that line from Apollo 13)....I am a work in progress.....hang in there with me.....walk along side of me.....help me to keep my focus......I am only just beginning to see what I can be......
Cellphone Behavior
Someone needs to explain to me what kind of conversation is so important that it needs to take place while you are in a bathroom stall. I just don't get it!!!! I think it is rude, selfish, uncouth and just all around ridiculous. If you have an emergency call go in the hallway and talk but why in God's name would someone want to talk while .....you know.....using the facilities. Plus, it is so inconsiderate to others who are in there. Yesterday, I went to the ladies room and yes there was someone talking up a storm to I have no idea who. But you could tell from the part of the conversation I had no choice but to hear that this was not about brain surgery but was pure gossip. Obviously the person talking in the stall had no qualms about what "background noises" might be going on while she chatted but it did offend me. There was part of me that wanted to start making grotesque sounds or make sounds like I was going to barf to see if that would get the person off the phone. I also took a longer than usual time washing my hands hoping I could see who was on the phone but they never left the stall. Maybe that was better......I would probably have made some remake about their lack of manners or how rude they were.....
Someone please explain to me what would possess someone to think talking on the phone in the bathroom is OK......because I sure don't get it......
Someone please explain to me what would possess someone to think talking on the phone in the bathroom is OK......because I sure don't get it......
The 12 Hopes of 2012
Now that I have listed the best of 2011.....let's move on to 2012. Here are my hopes for the New Year....
1. Good health, happiness and prosperity to all my family and friends.
OK now the rest are about me:
2. Write more. I think I am good at it so I need to spend more time doing it.
3. Try to get published. Not sure exactly how to tackle this but will start to investigate how.
4. Take a real vacation. Barbados maybe??
5. Spend at least one hour a week reading. Just for enjoyment.....
6. Spend more time with family and friends.....laughter is a must!!!!
7. Continue to focus on me.....the gym, healthy eating and improved health.
8. Stop stressing over what I can't control......this is going to be a biggie for me the control freak......this will be a work in progress. I cannot guarantee overnight success or even a huge change but even a slight improvement would be good.
9. How about more me time......after all it is all about me!!!
10. I need to treat myself to things I want.....nothing too crazy but stop saying maybe next year and start doing it now.
11. I need to realize that the world will not stop if I take a day off to play or an afternoon off for some me time.
12. I hope that when the year ends I am a few pounds lighter (not going to pressure myself into a prediction of how much), a size or two smaller, found some healthy eating options, replaced some fat with muscle, burned some calories through laughter, hugged when I could, walked more, napped when I felt like it, and found the me that I want to be..... not the me that anyone else wants.....
WOW!!!! That is an impressive list of challenges......I think I am up to the task......stay tuned as I move through the year......I will keep you posted. Let's see when I sit down at the end of 2012 how well I did.....not that it will be a failure if I don't accomplish all I have listed......I will get an "A" for effort and that matters too.......
Goodbye 2011 and Hello 2012......Happy New Year!!!!!
1. Good health, happiness and prosperity to all my family and friends.
OK now the rest are about me:
2. Write more. I think I am good at it so I need to spend more time doing it.
3. Try to get published. Not sure exactly how to tackle this but will start to investigate how.
4. Take a real vacation. Barbados maybe??
5. Spend at least one hour a week reading. Just for enjoyment.....
6. Spend more time with family and friends.....laughter is a must!!!!
7. Continue to focus on me.....the gym, healthy eating and improved health.
8. Stop stressing over what I can't control......this is going to be a biggie for me the control freak......this will be a work in progress. I cannot guarantee overnight success or even a huge change but even a slight improvement would be good.
9. How about more me time......after all it is all about me!!!
10. I need to treat myself to things I want.....nothing too crazy but stop saying maybe next year and start doing it now.
11. I need to realize that the world will not stop if I take a day off to play or an afternoon off for some me time.
12. I hope that when the year ends I am a few pounds lighter (not going to pressure myself into a prediction of how much), a size or two smaller, found some healthy eating options, replaced some fat with muscle, burned some calories through laughter, hugged when I could, walked more, napped when I felt like it, and found the me that I want to be..... not the me that anyone else wants.....
WOW!!!! That is an impressive list of challenges......I think I am up to the task......stay tuned as I move through the year......I will keep you posted. Let's see when I sit down at the end of 2012 how well I did.....not that it will be a failure if I don't accomplish all I have listed......I will get an "A" for effort and that matters too.......
Goodbye 2011 and Hello 2012......Happy New Year!!!!!
The Best 11 of 2011
With only a few hours left to 2011 this seems like a good time to do a year in review. Most magazines, television stations, etc do a best of the year so why shouldn't I.....
1. I started the New Year with my family. My Mom, sister, brother-in-law and various nephews and niece. We had the traditional southern meal of collards, pork, black eyed peas (hoppin johns) and corn bread. It was a nice treat for my family to get to share some time together.
2. At my sister's advise I taped a quarter over the front door for good luck and it sure has worked. Jenn got a great job at USC and in the fall she will be teaching a Freshman 101 course too. I also took on a new job which has been a blessing putting me back in the part of the mortgage industry I love.
3. I made it to the gym most of the time......not perfect but I hung in there. I even learned I could get up off the floor if I had to.
4. I was able to spend some time with most of my family in June at my nephews wedding in Florida. We have some great family photo's from the occasion. In fact I liked one so much that I now use it on my facebook page.
5. I still get on the scale but decided at the advice of my trainer to not put myself through the weekly weigh-in which seemed to determine my mood for the week.
6. I used up every bit of vacation time (except the 5 days I was allowed to carry-over) and realized the company will not shut down if I am not there everyday.
7. After much encouragement by Jenn, I bought an IPhone. OK how did I ever survive without it. I love my IPhone!!!!!
8. I went on 2 count 'em 2 business trips. I actually flew alone to Maine and back. I learned I do not want to want to switch planes in Philly if I can avoid it. I also learned that pilots hate to land at Reagan in D.C. be cause if the short runway (glad I didn't know that in advance). My second trip was with a bunch of managers and that was fun to travel as a group.
9. I have started to treat myself to things that I wouldn't have before.....a new recliner for the living room, a Keurig coffee maker, the IPhone.....I have not gone crazy but it is nice to not stress about every penny I spend. I am still cautious but every once in a while I say "oh go for it"...
10. I love reading the Sunday New York Times on my kindle......I also love that it only costs me 99 cents to get it downloaded.
11. I love that I have been blessed with another year surrounded by family and friends that I love and that for some crazy reason love me in return. You can't ask for more than that......all in all it has been a good year.
1. I started the New Year with my family. My Mom, sister, brother-in-law and various nephews and niece. We had the traditional southern meal of collards, pork, black eyed peas (hoppin johns) and corn bread. It was a nice treat for my family to get to share some time together.
2. At my sister's advise I taped a quarter over the front door for good luck and it sure has worked. Jenn got a great job at USC and in the fall she will be teaching a Freshman 101 course too. I also took on a new job which has been a blessing putting me back in the part of the mortgage industry I love.
3. I made it to the gym most of the time......not perfect but I hung in there. I even learned I could get up off the floor if I had to.
4. I was able to spend some time with most of my family in June at my nephews wedding in Florida. We have some great family photo's from the occasion. In fact I liked one so much that I now use it on my facebook page.
5. I still get on the scale but decided at the advice of my trainer to not put myself through the weekly weigh-in which seemed to determine my mood for the week.
6. I used up every bit of vacation time (except the 5 days I was allowed to carry-over) and realized the company will not shut down if I am not there everyday.
7. After much encouragement by Jenn, I bought an IPhone. OK how did I ever survive without it. I love my IPhone!!!!!
8. I went on 2 count 'em 2 business trips. I actually flew alone to Maine and back. I learned I do not want to want to switch planes in Philly if I can avoid it. I also learned that pilots hate to land at Reagan in D.C. be cause if the short runway (glad I didn't know that in advance). My second trip was with a bunch of managers and that was fun to travel as a group.
9. I have started to treat myself to things that I wouldn't have before.....a new recliner for the living room, a Keurig coffee maker, the IPhone.....I have not gone crazy but it is nice to not stress about every penny I spend. I am still cautious but every once in a while I say "oh go for it"...
10. I love reading the Sunday New York Times on my kindle......I also love that it only costs me 99 cents to get it downloaded.
11. I love that I have been blessed with another year surrounded by family and friends that I love and that for some crazy reason love me in return. You can't ask for more than that......all in all it has been a good year.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Another Christmas Come and Goes......
It is hard to believe I am writing this the morning after Christmas. Where did the last 48 hours go????
We had a nice quiet Christmas Eve. And Christmas Day was lovely. OK I went way overboard on the books that I asked for......I have enough reading material until July 4th..... if I keep to another one of my resolutions to spend at least 1 to 2 hours a week reading. I love to read but just never seem to find the time so I am adding it to my resolution list.
We spent a few hours with friends and were back home and in our pj's by 6:30. We opened the last 3 gifts of the day.....one of mine was a scrabble game....great choice....since I have been playing Word Feud and Words with Friends on my IPhone I am suddenly in love with scrabble.
Just once or twice I looked at my friends with envy....spouses nearby, discussing the gifts they had received from each other.....some of those gifts were very beautiful.....I had to push those feelings of envy and sadness away....I worked my way through it and moved on.
All in all it was just about the day I had wished for.....I know my holidays with just Jenn are dwindling down and at some point Mr. Right will arrive.....I did tell her when she is married she will have to let her husband know I need her the week before Christmas or I will never get it all done...LOL. There may be Christmas's in the future where I will be spending time alone......that will be OK or I am sure I can find a friend or family member to visit. I will be OK and who knows maybe a day will come when I will not be alone.....you just can't predict the future.
Well on to the New Year.....one more week of holidays and then back to reality and routine......I really don't mind that too much.....but for today it is after Christmas sales......I know I know.....what a way to spend the day.....
The day after Christmas is always a bit of a letdown for me......I need to keep busy and keep those post Christmas blues away.....or I can spend my time figuring out my new coffee maker......or I can read one of the over 100 happy thoughts or things that make me laugh that Jenn put in a jar for me......that gift cost very little to put together but took a lot of time and thought.....tomorrow it will be on my desk so when days get a little rough I will have something to make me smile......Jenn said she will add to the jar as things she think of come up......that little glass jar is priceless......I cheated just now and took out two strips.....one said a happy thought....saving 3 gifts for Christmas night.....the other said I am proud of all you have accomplished.....like I said priceless.....
We had a nice quiet Christmas Eve. And Christmas Day was lovely. OK I went way overboard on the books that I asked for......I have enough reading material until July 4th..... if I keep to another one of my resolutions to spend at least 1 to 2 hours a week reading. I love to read but just never seem to find the time so I am adding it to my resolution list.
We spent a few hours with friends and were back home and in our pj's by 6:30. We opened the last 3 gifts of the day.....one of mine was a scrabble game....great choice....since I have been playing Word Feud and Words with Friends on my IPhone I am suddenly in love with scrabble.
Just once or twice I looked at my friends with envy....spouses nearby, discussing the gifts they had received from each other.....some of those gifts were very beautiful.....I had to push those feelings of envy and sadness away....I worked my way through it and moved on.
All in all it was just about the day I had wished for.....I know my holidays with just Jenn are dwindling down and at some point Mr. Right will arrive.....I did tell her when she is married she will have to let her husband know I need her the week before Christmas or I will never get it all done...LOL. There may be Christmas's in the future where I will be spending time alone......that will be OK or I am sure I can find a friend or family member to visit. I will be OK and who knows maybe a day will come when I will not be alone.....you just can't predict the future.
Well on to the New Year.....one more week of holidays and then back to reality and routine......I really don't mind that too much.....but for today it is after Christmas sales......I know I know.....what a way to spend the day.....
The day after Christmas is always a bit of a letdown for me......I need to keep busy and keep those post Christmas blues away.....or I can spend my time figuring out my new coffee maker......or I can read one of the over 100 happy thoughts or things that make me laugh that Jenn put in a jar for me......that gift cost very little to put together but took a lot of time and thought.....tomorrow it will be on my desk so when days get a little rough I will have something to make me smile......Jenn said she will add to the jar as things she think of come up......that little glass jar is priceless......I cheated just now and took out two strips.....one said a happy thought....saving 3 gifts for Christmas night.....the other said I am proud of all you have accomplished.....like I said priceless.....
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Christmas Eve
Well we finally made it to Christmas Eve....the shopping is done, the wrapping is finished and we are at my favorite point of the holiday.....there is nothing left to do but enjoy......
We watched the Giants win....I took a nap......I woke up from my nap and Jenn was asleep (we are just a partying bunch here) and now we are watching It's A Wonderful Life. Jenn is now awake and preparing snacks for us to eat. This might sound boring to some but it is exactly what I wanted. Most of my family is not having grand parties or huge get togethers.....if there was a large gathering of the family I would want to be there but as it is....it is OK for Jenn and I to have this quiet evening. In years past, Christmas Eve was a busy night and the family would gather. Now due to distance and not always having the time needed to travel or the funds to travel we just have to make due. Bob is in NY with his family and it sounds like they are making the rounds to see all the relatives they can.....that works for them. I am not saying given the opportunity to spend a Christmas Eve with my family all together that I would pass it up......I would love it but there is no one place where everyone is gathering so instead I will call them tomorrow or maybe skype them. We will get to visit via the internet.
But for this evening......it's about Christmas movies, snacks and and the anticipation of what Jenn could have possibly bought me for $5, $10 and $15 in Walmart.......
I will let you know tomorrow the answer to that question.....until then....Merry Christmas Eve.....
We watched the Giants win....I took a nap......I woke up from my nap and Jenn was asleep (we are just a partying bunch here) and now we are watching It's A Wonderful Life. Jenn is now awake and preparing snacks for us to eat. This might sound boring to some but it is exactly what I wanted. Most of my family is not having grand parties or huge get togethers.....if there was a large gathering of the family I would want to be there but as it is....it is OK for Jenn and I to have this quiet evening. In years past, Christmas Eve was a busy night and the family would gather. Now due to distance and not always having the time needed to travel or the funds to travel we just have to make due. Bob is in NY with his family and it sounds like they are making the rounds to see all the relatives they can.....that works for them. I am not saying given the opportunity to spend a Christmas Eve with my family all together that I would pass it up......I would love it but there is no one place where everyone is gathering so instead I will call them tomorrow or maybe skype them. We will get to visit via the internet.
But for this evening......it's about Christmas movies, snacks and and the anticipation of what Jenn could have possibly bought me for $5, $10 and $15 in Walmart.......
I will let you know tomorrow the answer to that question.....until then....Merry Christmas Eve.....
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