An Emotional Roller Coaster

My Dad dies when I was 29. Jenn was just 2 1/2 months old. I have already outlived him. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I still miss him.....a lot. I always thought of myself as my father's daughter.

And I was sure that I was not one of my Mom's favorites.

Why did I think that? I don't know.....the other's seemed to connect with her more than I did. I connected with my Dad.

So when Dad died I struggled.

As an adult I now had to build a relationship with my Mom. Not that we were enemies.....we were just different. As a wife.....my Mom knocked it out of the park. As a wife, I was no where near as good as my Mom. But we did find a way to connect.....through Jenn. I was able to learn a lot from my Mom about being a Mom. She rocks as a grandmother. With 11 grandchildren....she found a way to love them each for their special gifts. Jenn could always call her Nannie to celebrate anything....from a 100 on a math test to finding a dress for the prom. Mom was there for all her big events......christening.....kindergarten celebration....high school graduation...... graduation with her Master's Degree.

For all of those events.....there was Mom front and center. I didn't know how Mom would make it without Dad. He had been the center of her universe. She did make it......there may have been some bumps along the road but she did find a world without Dad and it was a world in which she traveled and worked and made her grandchildren her focus. Now she has been blessed with greatgrandchildren.

As the years passed, we started to talk every day or every other day. Sometime there wasn't much to say other times we would chat for an hour. Each night when I leave work I call her to catch up. I consider it our time. If my Dad had lived longer.....I may never have gotten to know my Mom.

She has been battling cancer for the last 2 years......she has gone through chemo, nausea, loss of appetite and all that goes with that dreaded disease. She has fought a battle that my Dad would have been proud of .....not one to complain......she did what she needed to do. Lately, she has been struggling with health issues......as I write this she is in the hospital.....the second round of chemo has taken it's toll on her.......I pray that she will recover enough to come home and regain some of her independence.

I am grateful that we did get to spend last Christmas and New Year's Day together. I am planning to visit her in February. It will be good to spend sometime with her.

Her illness has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Being so far away has made it difficult. Some days I can talk about Mom and I am fine......other days or moments I am reduced to tears.

I am grateful that as an adult I have gotten to know her. Yes, there are times we make each other crazy but she has also been there for me when I needed someone to talk to......I never have had any doubt that she has always had my back....just like a Mom should....