How others see me...

Recently someone told me after reading my blog they didn't realize I was not as confident as they saw me. I am confident about the things I know (like at work) but I don't think I have ever been confident about the way I look. Even when I see pictures of me from years ago, I think to myself "gee you didn't look so bad" but at the time I thought I looked heavy. Now I would give my eye teeth to look like the person in those pictures. They are now only shadows of the person I was.....or could it be foreshadowing of the person I could be again. Get to my high school weight again.....not a chance. Get to a place where I feel good looking at the reflection in the mirror.....definitely!!!!

The self-confidence some people see in me takes a lot of work. I work at it all the time. It is only now that I am able to let you all see inside that I have so many issues. The base of the issues is how I look. If you have never had someone stare at you because of how you look....never in a million years could you understand how I feel. It is only now I am beginning to understand what makes me tick. The journey to figure out "me" has at times been painful but has also been very gratifying. I am learning so much about myself.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow looking 50 pounds lighter. But what would I have learned if that happened and I skipped the rest of the journey? I need to know the pluses of working out, watching what I eat and making healthier choices. Sometime not terribly far off I will wake up and be down those 50 pounds and feel the full effect of the hard work this year.

The pain both physically and mentally are the price paid for years of neglect. The rewards are more than even I thought possible. Writing this blog has been great therapy and yes I have held back on some of my thoughts and feelings. A year ago I couldn't picture sharing so much about what goes on in my head with all of you . You all should be flattered because I trust you all enough to share my blog. Every so often I add another person to my e-mail and give them the opportunity to view this blog. That is how I have started to open up.

The miles I have gone on the elliptical, the challenges I have faced at the gym and the choices I make with each meal and each day shows the progress I am making.....who ever said life begins at 50 might have been thinking of me.....I feel like my new life is just beginning. I am more willing to take risks, I feel like I can do the things I feel passionate about (like writing this blog) and I am starting to live by the words "do what melts your heart" and if at the end of my life someone asks me "did you live a life of passion?".......I will be able to say "at least after 50 I did" and it started in 2010......

It Figures I Thought I Would Be Down This Week

I drove to my weekly meeting feeling positive I would be down at the scales. In an earlier post, I wrote about how I talk to myself on the way to Weight Watchers about the week I had. I rarely think I will be down for the week ...not self-confident even when I know it was a good week. So what happens....I am up at the weigh-in. I still do not understand how my body works......

I need to write down everything I put in my mouth. I need to get with the eating less sugar thing. I need to push myself harder. I need to .....I need to....I need to..... does the list ever end?

In theory, the "need to's" will never end. They will just change as I change.......

1 mile walking vs. 3 on the elliptical

Today, I walked 1 mile on the gym on the track. That's not a big deal you might say.... I was as tired after the 1 mile as I have been after 3 miles on the elliptical. I was wondering why? Then I thought about it....when I am on the elliptical, I have handles to hold on to....when I walk it is just me and the track. I turned on my IPOD and off I went. One mile is 11 trips around the track. I went 4 laps and had to stop for a minute, then another 2 laps and stop, then 2 more and stop until I had done the 11 laps. I hated that I had to stop in between and wish I could be like so many others and just keep going. It wasn't my legs that bothered me. It was my breathing that seemed to get out of sync. I tried to focus on the music. I tried to concentrate on breathing through my nose. Why oh why at 54 can I not breathe through my nose? I know for me to keep my mouth shut is difficult but breathing with my mouth closed should not be that hard.

Well, I finished the mile but was soaked in sweat....not a pretty sight. My plan is to get around the track 5 times without stopping, then 6 times and so on until I can do the mile without stopping. I bet I can and will try to do this by the end of the year.

Just think....by the end of the year I can celebrate how far I come during this year weight wise, health wise and my overall well being. I am happy with my progress. It has been hard and there are days when I want to give up but fortunately by the next day I am back to working on me. I am a work in progress..... Compare me to the statue sculpted by Michelangelo....it shows a person coming out of a piece of marble.....that's me...not a work of art....but inside of me is another person trying to get out......not a different person just healthier and more physically fit but still Donna......searching for approval and acceptance......I know, I know....those of you who love me say I am already accepted as I am.....in my heart I know it.....but in my head .....that's a different story....

Should I do the Biggest Loser Walk in Myrtle Beach??

The Biggest Loser is having an event in Myrtle Beach in September. It is either a one mile walk or a 5K. It is not a race....it is an event. As I said in an earlier post I would never be a contestant on the Biggest Loser but this event intrigues me. I am sure there will be a huge turnout. Myrtle Beach in September should be beautiful (hopefully not too hot). I can walk a mile. Not sure I could do the 5K.....I can do it on the elliptical but with my hip and knees acting up at times....I wouldn't want to commit and then fail to go the distance. Maybe I could shoot for the 1 mile and if I felt good enough do the 5K. I just don't want to fail !!!!

Since everything starts at 8 AM on Saturday, it would either mean a very early morning drive to Myrtle Beach on the 25th or go down on Friday and spend the night. It will be off season rates. I would try to find a hotel near the "walk" route. I could pick up my packet on Friday instead of in the crowds Saturday. As I get older, I have a hard time being in crowds. I know Saturday there will be a lot of there but I am hoping the excitement of the event will win over my phobia of crowds. For my $25, I would get a t shirt and medal at the finish line. I have never had a medal or trophy for anything I have ever done in my life....how pathetic is that???

Anyway this is not something I would be able to do alone....just participating would be a HUGE step out of my comfort zone. Anyone want to come along and walk with me or cheer me on? Anyone think I am crazy to want to do this? Maybe I think it is crazy.... a one mile walk that will cost me $25 and cause me to get out of bed at dark thirty to drive a few hours to the beach??

I am nervous....I am a chicken.....any why good Lord can't I be a big girl and do this myself.....I will just have to think on it.....

I am starting to hate my t shirts

I am not ready to clothes shop yet !! Some of my clothes are definitely getting big but knowing I am going to continue to lose weight and inches, I would prefer not to have clothes in a variety of sizes. I did pull a blouse out of the back of my closet that got a lot of compliments at work. Maybe it has to do with the fact I usually wear solid colors and this was a print. Maybe it was because it was more form fitting. Or how about it showed off some of efforts from the last 7 months....what a wild thought !!!

Anyway, 2 years ago I bought several tie-dyed t shirts that I loved. I bought several in different colors and in 2 different sizes. My biggest problem now is that even though they now run though the dryer....they swim on me. When I wear them I spend most of my time adjusting them because they slide off my shoulders and down in front. It gets annoying but not enough to reach into my wallet and purchase some new ones. Maybe when I am down another 20 pounds I will be ready to shop. I might even be able to shop in my own closet. I am sure there are some smaller clothes lurking in the dark corners, forgotten and not worn in a long time. OK smaller sizes....come out, come out where ever you are....or I am coming in there after you.....

Smelling The Roses....

I think sometimes we get so wrapped up in the destination, we forget to enjoy the journey. I know it will be a long time before I get to my destination or goal, so I better enjoy the journey.....

Each night I write a list of 5 good things about the day. The list could include a thunderstorm, a good laugh, pineapple cooked on a grill... It puts the day in perspective for me. I need to focus on other things in my life besides my weight loss efforts and work outs at the gym. While dieting and exercise are priorities for me, I don't want to miss some of the other important things.

Like what you might ask? A spontaneous ride in a convertible with someone who sometimes knows better what I need than I do myself (thanks Kathy!!). A late night talk with my daughter that can go from very serious to very stupid (and terribly funny) in a matter of minutes. How about a great sunset? Or an afternoon nap? Deciding what color nail polish to use for the next pedicure. Coming in to work in the morning and finding a cup of coffee waiting for me (thanks Mary!!). None of these are the big things that I have on my bucket list (that will have to be another post). These are the small moments that can get overlooked.

While I have been been very focused on getting to a healthier place, it can get overwhelming at times. I need to keep my weight loss and improved physical condition as my main focus but thinking about smelling the roses might make the journey more enjoyable.

I could let the fact that I was up a little this week at Weight Watchers consume me but to what good? I need to think of how well I have done and what I would have been like if I hadn't walked through the doors to Weight Watchers last January. I should pat myself on the back for being able to climb on the step class stair while lifting weights in each arm.

I need to celebrate my small victories not minimize them.........

I am not putting on rose colored glasses and I don't think anyone will ever compare me with Pollyanna but that's OK. I just think if I recognize the little changes then it is a win-win for me.

So here is the plan....focus on the healthy eating and lifestyle changes.....try to see and smell the roses....and know that each day I am changing for the better inside and out ......I am worth it and it is alright to just think about me 1st for a change.....um OK I have put it in writing now I have to put it into practice.....

I know it is not always about the numbers...

I know my journey is not just about the numbers BUT it does feel good to be down again at Weight Watchers. On my way to the meeting each Saturday, I think about my week. Was I as good as I could have been? Did I blow it any where along the way? Did I make the most of my workouts? Did I burn enough calories? Did I make wrong choices when I was tired? Good thing no one can hear me negotiating with myself.....being the positive person I am....I never think I will be down at the scales. Then I start to think....what is the worst I could be up....uugghh!! Why can't I just think.....Donna, you have had a good week...wonder how much you lost?



Anyway , I went to the meeting and was very pleased to be down. We are nearing the 30 pound mark !!! 120 sticks of butter !!! I may still reach my 50 pound goal by the end of the year. Then I can set my new goal !!



I made Weight Watchers lasagna for dinner. I also made WW macaroni salad and a salad with chic peas, artichoke hearts, arugula and wine vinegar and olive oil. The 2 salads are for lunch this week. I am looking forward to having them as a change of pace. I tend to eat the same things over and over again because they are easy then I get bored. By making some things to switch it up, I am excited about eating new foods.



So let's look at the pluses....weight heading down, endurance increasing, trying new foods and doing things at the gym that surprise me. The down side....hhhhhmmmm.....how about.....nah.....then there's......uummm.....well what do you know....the negatives are starting to fade away....along with my weight.......this could be scary......who knows how good I will feel this time next year or the year after.......WOW!!!!!!

Why I won't ever be the Biggest Loser

I have had more than one person ask me if I ever thought of trying out for the Biggest Loser. I have very mixed feelings about that question.

It makes me feel so bad to know people think I am big enough to be a contestant....

I know what I look like. I know I am a work in progress.

Some people have said that they thought I should go on because they feel with my personality and sense of humor America would want me to win.

Reasons I wouldn't consider being a participant.....I can't leave my job or family for months at a time. 8 hours a day in the gym scares me to death. There is no way I would ever get up on a scale for the whole world to see how much I weigh. My actual weight is no one's business but mine. I do not see public humiliation as a way to feel better about myself.

I admire the contestants and what they accomplish in a matter or months. I am on the same journey but making it more personal. I have learned so much about myself this year. I workout on a regular basis and definitely eat healthier now. I weigh in once a week.

It may take me years to get to the place I AM COMFORTABLE....that is right...where I am comfortable. I cannot let others decide what is the right weight for me. I will know it when I get there. I do not need others making the decision for me. There are those that think unless I am thin by their view, I am a failure. I say I will know when the first part of my journey is done and the next phase ...maintenance will begin.

I am learning I do not need others approval for where I am heading. It is great to have support from those who care about me. Just getting to a point where I am not concerned about the approval of others is a huge step.

Each day I take steps to improve my health. It is a daily and sometimes an hourly struggle. Most days I feel strong....stronger than I have before. I don't care if people think I should be able to finish this journey in months not years. This is my decision not theirs....so unless you have something real and sincere to say I wish you wouldn't say anything....

There are days when I struggle and your "suggestions" make me feel like you are saying I am a failure. I know the difference between sincerity and hollow words....

I have to do all of this in my time on my terms...not yours.

New challenges...

I am looking for variety in both eating and workouts.

The workout varieties are easy....Carol takes care of those. Her big focus now is flexibility and balance. Carol says my flexibility is not a problem. She is surprised at how flexible I am. Working on the core muscles is important. We worked a lot with me standing on one foot and holding my arms out to the sides, not an easy feat for me. Then get ready for this........she had me stand on the bosu and balance with my arms out. This was very scary for me (see earlier post where I thought the Pilate's ball would explode if I sat on it). Standing on it wobbling and shaking to get my balance was a struggle. When I finally did it, Carol let out a yell and applauded. Even I started to smile and laugh. It felt so good to be able to do it. It is these little steps I have been making since January that I am proud of. Yes, I have had some setbacks along the way but I haven't really thought too often about giving up.

A few weeks ago, a girl at the gym stopped and talked to Jenn. This is a girl I see at the gym on a regular basis. We usually say hello. She told Jenn that I was courageous and made her want to come to the gym more often. Jenn wasn't sure whether or not to tell me. She wasn't sure if she would be hurting my feelings or not. I had mixed emotions...did I look so bad that it was courageous that I go to the gym or was it the fact that I went to the gym and was courageous to be working out to improve my health....I chose to go with the latter. While I was working out with Carol, I saw the girl (she was working with her trainer) and I called her over. I thanked her for her kind words, she smiled and said "I see you here several times a week and when I don't feel like coming....I think of you and that you keep coming." Carol said I don't realize that I may be inspiring others to work out but they just don't come up and say anything to me....wow me inspiring someone....never saw that coming.

I am looking further into cutting out as much sugar as possible from my diet. This is a work in progress. I am definitely drinking lots of water. I am reading labels and continuing to try to make good choices. I was down at Weight Watchers this week and more than made up for the pound I gained last week. In fact, I am now at the lowest weight I have been at in several years. Pretty scary huh....I am heading in the right direction just slowly.

I continue to learn about exercise, healthy eating choices and me....I am not the same person who walked into the gym and Weight Watchers last January....each baby step is a step toward confidence, good health, and a different me....not that the old me was bad but this is the new improved Donna....a Donna whose confidence may help me to make this part of my life go down a new path... freeing my self from the things and people that have bogged me down before....who knows....the possibilities are endless.....

Vacation is over....

Upon returning home it was back to the gym and and concentrating on healthy eating. I went to Weight Watchers and only gained one pound on vacation....not too bad. Maybe it was the Lintzer Tart I treated myself to....

My right hip has been acting up so doing the elliptical was somewhat painful. In one day at work I sat in 5 different chairs trying to find one that was comfortable. I am sure it was amusing seeing me play musical chairs all by myself. I did work out in the pool. Carol and I worked on stretches....something I haven't been doing. I am sure I was quite a sight while Carol helped me with stretching. At one point I had to lay on the bench while Carol lifted my right leg and bent it toward my shoulder...moving it a few degrees at a time. Lord help the person who had to watch this....I am sure the view of me on that bench was not pretty but I have to admit my hip did feel better. She has suggested I stay off the elliptical for a few weeks. She thinks I am leaning more on my right side then my left and that may be part of the problem. I of course think it is my sciatica, or arthritis, or due to one leg being shorter than the other (these are my diagnosis not a doctor's). Why should it be anything simple?

It did feel good to get back in my normal routine. Vacation is fun but that is not the real world. Reality check....time to get back to the real world where I am focused on losing weight and getting healthy.

Can you go home again?

Thomas Wolfe said "You can't go home again." He might be right. A few weeks ago Jenn and I headed to NY to see my Mom. It was great to spend time with her. I also got to see a lot of other family. We spent time enjoying my brother's waterfall in his backyard, were awed at how much my nephews had grown and enjoyed the familiarity of being back in the place we lived in for so many years. The funny thing was after being gone 12 years, I felt like a visitor. There were short cuts that I used to know like the back of my hand...no more. It was the first time I felt like I didn't belong there anymore...strange. A nice place to visit but not the place I live in anymore....

At my brothers house, we talked alot about Clean Eating, had some really good and healthy meals and really enjoyed spending time in their backyard which is really a sight to behold.

My nephew introduced me to Skype...this was amazing.

Jenn and I took Mom food shopping, shoe shopping and errand running. Spending time with her after the year she has had made our time together more special.

We did manage to hit Munno's for dill pickles, Sorrento's for garlic rolls, King Kone for ice cream, Rockland Bakery for rolls and baked goods. At Shoprite it was Reinzi's Clam Sauce for us and Drakes Cakes (the northern version of Little Debbie Snack Cakes)for the office.

Things that have changed about me....I forgot I had to pack my own groceries, I hated that people looked at my SC license plate and assumed I was stupid, used M'am and Sir with ease but got some funny looks. Maybe I have mellowed or become southerized. I thought did I used to be so much in a rush? I guess I have chnaged...

All in all it was a great trip. Jenn is a great traveling companion. But I knew when I drove down Fountain Lake Road....I was home.