How others see me...

Recently someone told me after reading my blog they didn't realize I was not as confident as they saw me. I am confident about the things I know (like at work) but I don't think I have ever been confident about the way I look. Even when I see pictures of me from years ago, I think to myself "gee you didn't look so bad" but at the time I thought I looked heavy. Now I would give my eye teeth to look like the person in those pictures. They are now only shadows of the person I was.....or could it be foreshadowing of the person I could be again. Get to my high school weight again.....not a chance. Get to a place where I feel good looking at the reflection in the mirror.....definitely!!!!

The self-confidence some people see in me takes a lot of work. I work at it all the time. It is only now that I am able to let you all see inside that I have so many issues. The base of the issues is how I look. If you have never had someone stare at you because of how you look....never in a million years could you understand how I feel. It is only now I am beginning to understand what makes me tick. The journey to figure out "me" has at times been painful but has also been very gratifying. I am learning so much about myself.

I wish I could wake up tomorrow looking 50 pounds lighter. But what would I have learned if that happened and I skipped the rest of the journey? I need to know the pluses of working out, watching what I eat and making healthier choices. Sometime not terribly far off I will wake up and be down those 50 pounds and feel the full effect of the hard work this year.

The pain both physically and mentally are the price paid for years of neglect. The rewards are more than even I thought possible. Writing this blog has been great therapy and yes I have held back on some of my thoughts and feelings. A year ago I couldn't picture sharing so much about what goes on in my head with all of you . You all should be flattered because I trust you all enough to share my blog. Every so often I add another person to my e-mail and give them the opportunity to view this blog. That is how I have started to open up.

The miles I have gone on the elliptical, the challenges I have faced at the gym and the choices I make with each meal and each day shows the progress I am making.....who ever said life begins at 50 might have been thinking of me.....I feel like my new life is just beginning. I am more willing to take risks, I feel like I can do the things I feel passionate about (like writing this blog) and I am starting to live by the words "do what melts your heart" and if at the end of my life someone asks me "did you live a life of passion?".......I will be able to say "at least after 50 I did" and it started in 2010......