This week.....

You all get a reading break this week.....just one entry..........

This has been a crazy week.

 It started with me at the gym using my new Aquabeat.  Listening to music while I jog in the pool has been amazing.  The time flies and it drowns out the sound of the screaming children.

The Dr. report finally came in and I don't have to go back for "that procedure" again for 10 years!!!! Woo Hoo !!!!!

One night this week I caught up with some girlfriends for a little while.  It felt good to just have the girls together even if it was only for a few hours.

Friday and Saturday were tough........I cried more in those 24 hours than I have in ages.  Making big decisions and knowing you are hurting people is hard.  Today is better.  My eyes are still puffy from the crying binge but today I didn't cry.  I am closer to some big decisions.

I stayed up a few nights late watching the College Baseball World Series.  I will be up again late the next few nights watching the USC Gamecocks try to beat Arizona.  Go Cocks!!!! (for those not from South Carolina.....this is OK to yell here it is not obscene)

I am into the 3rd book of "that series".

I am trying to branch out in my writing.  Problem is every time I write something and go back and read it.....I realize I am writing about me.  It ends up being about what I wish had happened or hope will happen.  I am not quite prepared to go there yet with all of you.........sorry.

I am thinking of working on one really good article and submitting it to a few magazines to see if I can get anyone to bite.  Wish me luck.

 My life continues to evolve.......I say much of the change has to do with losing Mom.  Somehow it has pushed me in new directions.

As I reach some final decisions I will share them as I feel comfortable.  I am slowly letting people into my circle and letting them know what is going on in my life.

Sorry......no funny stories this week.......no new great accomplishments.........just the roller coaster that I call my life.  Maybe next week will have some silly things to laugh about......at least I hope it will.........

Why Can't My Last Name Be Smith??

It's not the appointment those of us over 50 look forward to.  I couldn't believe it had been 5 years already!!  Well for those of you who have not had this fun yet.....let me tell you what you are in for.....

My appointment was at 8:00 AM Wednesday morning.  I had to stop eating Monday night.  I had nothing to eat after 10:00 PM.  From then on it was all liquid diet.  Basically, water and flavored water.  I did have some chicken broth Tuesday night.  At 6:00 PM Tuesday night and at 3:00 AM.....yes I said AM.....Wednesday morning I had to drink 32 ounces of this stuff.....yucky tasting and hard to swallow.  It had to be done in 8 ounce increments every 15 minutes. UGH!! I drank it like it was shots....one gulp at a time.  Nasty tasting stuff.  Well you know where I spent most of the evening.......

I finish up all the prep work and leave the house at 6:55.  My driver (Jenn) and I arrive at the Dr. office at 7:15.  I fill out all kinds of paper work.  Then it is time to go to the back and get ready.  The nurse who will be with me this morning asks some questions and tells me what to do as far as changing etc.  When she comes back she gets my IV ready.  The first veins she uses blows out.....her term not mine.  Now it looks like the scene from a horror movie.  She cleans everything up and sticks me again.  The black and blue from the previous attempt is already showing up.  While we go through the process, she says " I am sure there are not too many Pizzolongo's in South Carolina.  Are you Jenn Pizzolongo's mother?"  I say yes and she says her daughter went to school with Jenn.  Wonderful, just wonderful.......

At 8:30 I am still waiting.  The Dr. is late from hospital rounds.  Did I mention he was the PTO President at Jenn's High School while Jenn was there.  I am starting to wonder if we are going to have a friggin class reunion while I have my colonoscopy????

Well, they roll me into the exam room and before I know it.......I am back in recovery.  I wake up and Jenn is there.  I see her talking to the Dr. and nurse but have no clue what they are talking about.  Jenn says I told her to sit down several times, I asked about my blood pressure several times,I asked how many people were in  the waiting room several times,  I discuss grocery shopping with her, tv shows and their characters and a myriad of other topics of which I can remember none.  Jenn is thoroughly enjoying this since her "control freak" mother is not in control.  She loves the fact I couldn't drive for the day too.  Anyway, the Dr. says he was not able to see all of my colon (don't you love the way they talk about it like it was my hand).  So he wants me to go over to Providence Hospital and let them do another test.....it involves Barium and the dreaded word enema.......

So now they want to put something in the place that I have just spent the last 2 days emptying out.  I am ready to say NO.  I have deer in the headlights look on my face.  I am totally confused and can't seem to make a decision.  The day I have always dreaded has arrived.....Jenn makes the decision for me. I am going to have the other test.  Now the Dr wants to know if I want to do it today or another day BUT if I don't do it today I will have to fast again etc.  On the plus side if the test comes out (No pun intended) well I won't have to go through this again for 10 years!!!!

Off we go to the hospital.  I am supposed to be a work in but guess what....I show up and there is no one there.......lucky me!!!  The problem is I am still slightly drowsy from the previous procedure but now I have to stay awake and move on command.  I have another stranger doing Lord knows what to me and another person taking something that seems like xrays.  A new Dr. comes in and I don't see him for the first 5 minutes he is there....he is behind me....double ugh!!! The test last 30 minutes.  I am sweating bullets and starting to feel like I might get sick.  They speed things up and finally I am done.  It is now 11:30 and long after the time I thought I would be done.  But the good news is it appears I will not have to do this again for 10 years.

Amen!!!

Learning I Can......

Sometimes I need someone to remind me I can.....can what?  Just about whatever I want.

I gave Jenn an empty diet Pepsi bottle for the trash.  She handed it back to me and opened the lid on the garbage pail.  She wanted me to throw it and get it in.  I threw it half heartedly and missed. Game over.  Not as far as Jenn was concerned.  She picked up the bottle and handed it to me.  I tried again and missed.  Each time I said "I can't."  I didn't even realize I was saying it.  Jenn kept on picking up the bottle and giving it back to me.  It took several tries but finally I got the bottle in the can.  I said "I can!!"  Jenn smiled and walked away.

Just a simple reminder that I need to keep trying because I can......

Sometimes It's The Little Things

Little things can make or break a day.

I sat out on the front porch with the dog and my IPad this morning.  It was beautiful out.  There was a gentle breeze and the temperature was perfect.  I sat on the rocker enjoying sometime of peace and quiet.  I also know that 2 months from now I will be ready to kill for such wonderful weather......

The other night, I loaded some songs onto my IPod.  I have played them over and over again.  Having my favorite songs at the tips of my fingers is such a treat.

Looking at homes and home decor on Pinterest.  Love it!!! Looking at different decorating options is so much fun.

Having someone with a dry sense of humor make you really laugh.  I love a good laugh!!!!!

Getting in the car at the end of the day to head home from work and feeling good about what I did that day.

Primetime On Demand.......being able to rewatch some of my favorite episodes of shows.  Hard to think of the time when you used to have to wait for summer reruns.

Coming home late and tired to find that there is a great bowl of salad waiting for you!!!

Seeing pictures of  where my friends are during the summer is fun.  I have become very good at living vicariously through my friends....LOL!!!

Having time on the weekend to just kick back and relax.......to not have to make decisions........to just be able to do what I want (kind of).......all day long.

Most of the items on this list are not expensive......but they are the things that made me smile........this week.

I Am Holding Myself Back......

When you are overweight.......very overweight.......you miss out on a lot.  Take this week for example.....we had a manager fun event at Frankie's Fun Park.  I had to pass on the food.....not what I should be eating.  I knew there was no way I would do the go-carts.  Two reasons......not sure if I could bend my knee in the position needed to drive for along period of time and I am sure I would look like an ass in the go-cart.   I tried to pass on the fun event but was told I really needed to show up.  Fortunately, one of the manager's needed to get back to the office for a conference call so I volunteered to drive her back.  I saw that the rest of the group also did the water boats where you shoot each other with water.  Thank goodness I wasn't there for that.....I would have to have said no........afraid the boat might sink or I wouldn't fit right in the boat.  It is scary the thoughts that go through my head.  I stand out enough without drawing any additional attention to myself.  It can be so embarrassing to be the big person.  I know big people are supposed to be jolly.....not always the case.

While people can be impulsive and just do things.....I have to think ahead "in case" someone wants to do something that I might not feel comfortable about.  Last year, when I traveled to Maine by myself I had to haul my sorry ass from one end of Dulles airport to the other.  I was exhausted by the time I was done.  When I walk in a room I look for a chair that I think will be comfy and I won't need a crane to help me get up.  Low chairs, soft chair and low couches are the worst.  It's not so much getting my sorry ass up but also trying to do it with my bum knee. 

I also have to deny myself long walks on the beach.  I have to worry about long distances between gates at airports. I would like to ride a bike but am afraid my knee couldn't handle it.  I need to get one of those grown-up trikes.....at least then I wouldn't be afraid of falling over.

All of this because of my weight......I do try......I really do......I over think everything.......I know I do.....as I continue to work at getting myself where I need to be.......I wonder if I have done to much damage to my self-confidence to ever fully recover.  Not sure about that......maybe I will think about it for a while.......

What Is MY Best Option.......

People mean well when they give advise or suggestions.  They will also say painful things to you in order to "help" you out.  They will also do things behind your back that they think will help.  My Mom passed a note to a good friend a few years ago asking them to suggest I get gastric bypass surgery.  Not only did she put my friends in a very uncomfortable position but she also made me feel like crap.  The conversation with my friend was extremely difficult to think about even now (as I sit here and cry while I type).  Another family member invited me over and then talked to me about my weight (another painful experience).  Total strangers have come up to me on the street while I was out walking with a friend to discuss a weight loss plan they had tried.  A woman who had some weight issues of her own told me basically that she used to weigh what I did and then went on to discuss me like I was a loser....in front of my friends and her customers.  How humiliating is that.......people don't think. They think they are helping but all they are doing is causing me more pain. I have had people talk to me about healthy foods, I have worked out at the gym to the gawks and stares of strangers, I have had to relearn all I have ever known about food.  You trying doing that 24/7 and see how you feel.......

I talked to my Dr. about the gastric bypass option, I even attended a class to hear about it........my Dr. said absolutely not and by the time I left the class I thought to myself HELL NO.......I was terrified.  I have friends who eat very healthy but they also support each other in their healthy eating lifestyle.  While Jenn supports my attempts to eat healthy the other member of the household could care less about what I am trying to do.  Instead I am reminded constantly of my failures........I hear things like....."Why are you going to the gym I don't see any improvement"........."Look at yourself, you are a mess"...........

I try to keep the pain I feel inside.  In fact, I am not sure why I am spilling my guts so much in this entry.  Well, I am not going to delete it or save it and not post it.  I promised myself when I started writing this blog I would be as honest as I possibly could........

You tell a kid often enough they are stupid they start to believe it........you tell someone they are worthless.....they start to believe it too........

Will all the pain (both physical and mental) go away with the shedding of pounds.......probably not.......will I ever be in 100% perfect shape......nope.......better?? probably........

I could spend years on a shrinks couch and still not fully recover......

While people have the best intentions........this is my battle.....in my head, my heart and my body.......I know what I look like, I know how I feel, I know what I want........

I need encouragement not "suggestions", insults or to be degraded.........many times people may not even know they are hurting me.........I know I am super sensitive which can make even the most casual remark difficult to take.......

Just please keep caring for me, loving me and supporting me.........I need that more than anything else as I continue to move slowly to be the person I want to be........

The Make-Over

Take two friends and one Mary Kay rep.....put them together and what do you have ???? One silly evening.  Friday night I headed over to my friend Mary's house for a girls night out.  Some of the other girls were not able to make it, so it was just the three of us.  My Mom used to sell Mary Kay and I know it is hypoallergenic but for some reason it irritated my skin.  This really annoyed my mother!!! I told Mary ahead of time I wouldn't be able to try the products due to my previous experience but I would come and hang out.  I watched as Mary did her make-over.  Of course, I did add some comments that just made us laugh as she went through all the steps.

When she was done, I decided to give it a try....what could be the worst thing that could happen??? Break out in a rash??  Have a severe allergic reaction?? Die??

First decision.....I was not wearing a headband to keep my hair out of my face....what a rebel!!  Then when I was told to put the cleaner and other items for my face on 5 spots on my face (forehead, chin, cheeks and nose).  I said it was like making the sign of the cross on my face ....being Catholic I had that down pat.  I had to let each item dry....not good for a person like me who doesn't want to wait.  The decisions decisions.....colors and more colors.  We chatted as I went through each stage.  I have to admit it looked good when we were done.  The poor Mary Kay rep kept asking if I was feeling OK.  I think she was worried I would keel over right there in Mary's living room. 

Then I got to use something to make my hand feel soft.  Part of the procedure included using a exfoliate.  I loved that part....in fact I screamed with laughter because it felt so good. 

I have a great time.  I didn't have a reaction to the make-up.  And I think I made the Mary Kay rep happy......read between the lines....LOL. 

Now if I can just remember what order to put the make-up on in and don't use the stuff for my hands on my face or visa versa it should all be good........Once I have mastered the make-up, I may update my profile picture......you will just have to hang in suspense and wait to see......

The Beach House

Last week-end, Jenn and I spent a few days at our friends beach house.  It was wonderful, relaxing and I could feel all the stress leave me.

Putting my feet in the surprisingly warm water......being able to walk on the sand .......sitting in a golf cart and looking at the ocean.   I climbed a lot of stairs and hung in there....even if I did have to climb them slowly.  Watching the tide go up and down in the salt marsh was so interesting.  I took off my watch and didn't keep track of the time.  For me living some place like that is a dream.  I am fortunate to have friends that welcome us into their home and share the beach experience with us.  The mode of transportation around the island is a golf cart.  I have never driven one and have yet to take my turn at the wheel.  Jenn did it without hesitation.  Seeing deer (we have named one Ralph) along the side of the road wandering along was very entertaining.  Jenn did get a little tired of me saying "Jenn look at the deer" for the 20th time.  There are signs for alligators....fortunately we did not come across any of them.   I was able to spend a morning and part of the evening sitting on a screened in porch reading.....a little slice of heaven. 

Sadly, suddenly it was Sunday and it was time to go home.  I can't wait to go back for more surf, sun and relaxation.  I may not be able to walk miles on the beach but I sure enjoy the view from my beach chair or the benches at the top of the stairs to the beach.

Thanks Kathy and Dan for sharing your home with us........it was amazing!!!!

The Cover-Up

Like with all other clothes.....I struggle to find things that I like and look good on me.  Bathing suit cover-ups.....not easy to find one I feel comfortable in.  But guess what....I found 2 I like.  One is a leopard print....kind of sheer but will look good over my black bathing suit.  The other one is black (do you see a theme here?).  It is loose and flowy and has no straps.  The second I put it on I loved it.  Jenn gave her approval too.  Then I made my mistake......I tried it on in another color.....hot pink.....talk about looking bad....it accentuated my flaws (of which I have several) and just looked horrendous....LOL.  I looked online hoping I could find one in a navy or grey....not such luck.  I may get another in black.  I also thought about buying one of the other one and then dying it the color I want.  I have never dyed anything so this could be disastrous. 

If I get one decent picture of me in the cover-up where I don't look like I am wearing a tent or look like I am in a giant garbage bag.....I will put it here.  You know how picky I am about having my picture taken so this could be a challenge.......

A Good Visit To The Doctor

I went to the Dr. last week and it was all good news.  I had blood work the week before and the results were in for my appointment.  Everything was within normal ranges.  The number I was concerned about the most was the blood sugar.  That number also went down as is within an acceptable level.  I worry about becoming diabetic.  I just don't need that on top of everything else.

Now I need to work on getting off some of the med's I take.  I know the med's help keep all of my numbers within a good range and that doesn't bother me.  It's like wearing bifocals to see....it is what it is.  Though I would like to not have to take med's at all.  Exercising will definitely help.  So will losing weight.  It has been harder and harder as I get older but I am not giving up. 

I dread going to the Dr. but always feel good when I leave and he tells me I am doing everything right and to just hang in there. 

This week I have my dreaded 5 year appt for a colonoscopy.  Yuck.....it's not so much the procedure I mind....I mean you are drugged up so who cares but (no pun intended).....it's the prep.  Not eating from midnight Monday until Wednesday after the procedure.  Drinking yucky tasting stuff doesn't help either.  5 years ago they gave me pills to take instead of drinking that junk but they don't use the pills anymore.....figures.  I also will work all day Tuesday since that will keep my mind off not eating.  I also do not want to smell cooking in the house......that is what happened last time and it make me even hungrier.

Next month, I have my annual with my gyno.......how much fun can one girl have.......just one fun event after the other.  Seriously, I am just doing what a responsible adult should do.........but after all of this I may drink heavily.......at least for one night.

Carb's Are Not A Required Food Group?????

Why does it take 50 plus years to find out carb's are not required for our diet at all???  I have been reading a lot about the carb's and was actually surprised to find out we really do not need them.  We need certain vitamins, protein, fiber and on and on but no where carb's.  I may actually be making some progress.....this could be a major source of my food problems.....

Looking at the amount of carb's in foods is scary.  Then finding out how many carb's I should be eating a day is even scarier.  I am not sure how to handle this.  I have to look at really cutting them out of my diet but with that goes so many things I love. Try to think of a day without carb's.......it's not easy.  While I know I cannot totally eliminate them from my diet I can definitely try to cut back.

Farewell pasta......adios bread.......ciao potato's........see ya  pretzels.......the list is too long to think about.....

The white stuff......so bad for me.  Why does it have to taste so good?   Why do carb's have to change into sugar?  Why, why, why........

As I continue to learn and evolve, I am learning a lot about food and me......too bad I didn't start to learn about all of this years ago........but at least I am learning about it now......