I Am Holding Myself Back......

When you are overweight.......very overweight.......you miss out on a lot.  Take this week for example.....we had a manager fun event at Frankie's Fun Park.  I had to pass on the food.....not what I should be eating.  I knew there was no way I would do the go-carts.  Two reasons......not sure if I could bend my knee in the position needed to drive for along period of time and I am sure I would look like an ass in the go-cart.   I tried to pass on the fun event but was told I really needed to show up.  Fortunately, one of the manager's needed to get back to the office for a conference call so I volunteered to drive her back.  I saw that the rest of the group also did the water boats where you shoot each other with water.  Thank goodness I wasn't there for that.....I would have to have said no........afraid the boat might sink or I wouldn't fit right in the boat.  It is scary the thoughts that go through my head.  I stand out enough without drawing any additional attention to myself.  It can be so embarrassing to be the big person.  I know big people are supposed to be jolly.....not always the case.

While people can be impulsive and just do things.....I have to think ahead "in case" someone wants to do something that I might not feel comfortable about.  Last year, when I traveled to Maine by myself I had to haul my sorry ass from one end of Dulles airport to the other.  I was exhausted by the time I was done.  When I walk in a room I look for a chair that I think will be comfy and I won't need a crane to help me get up.  Low chairs, soft chair and low couches are the worst.  It's not so much getting my sorry ass up but also trying to do it with my bum knee. 

I also have to deny myself long walks on the beach.  I have to worry about long distances between gates at airports. I would like to ride a bike but am afraid my knee couldn't handle it.  I need to get one of those grown-up trikes.....at least then I wouldn't be afraid of falling over.

All of this because of my weight......I do try......I really do......I over think everything.......I know I do.....as I continue to work at getting myself where I need to be.......I wonder if I have done to much damage to my self-confidence to ever fully recover.  Not sure about that......maybe I will think about it for a while.......