What Is MY Best Option.......

People mean well when they give advise or suggestions.  They will also say painful things to you in order to "help" you out.  They will also do things behind your back that they think will help.  My Mom passed a note to a good friend a few years ago asking them to suggest I get gastric bypass surgery.  Not only did she put my friends in a very uncomfortable position but she also made me feel like crap.  The conversation with my friend was extremely difficult to think about even now (as I sit here and cry while I type).  Another family member invited me over and then talked to me about my weight (another painful experience).  Total strangers have come up to me on the street while I was out walking with a friend to discuss a weight loss plan they had tried.  A woman who had some weight issues of her own told me basically that she used to weigh what I did and then went on to discuss me like I was a loser....in front of my friends and her customers.  How humiliating is that.......people don't think. They think they are helping but all they are doing is causing me more pain. I have had people talk to me about healthy foods, I have worked out at the gym to the gawks and stares of strangers, I have had to relearn all I have ever known about food.  You trying doing that 24/7 and see how you feel.......

I talked to my Dr. about the gastric bypass option, I even attended a class to hear about it........my Dr. said absolutely not and by the time I left the class I thought to myself HELL NO.......I was terrified.  I have friends who eat very healthy but they also support each other in their healthy eating lifestyle.  While Jenn supports my attempts to eat healthy the other member of the household could care less about what I am trying to do.  Instead I am reminded constantly of my failures........I hear things like....."Why are you going to the gym I don't see any improvement"........."Look at yourself, you are a mess"...........

I try to keep the pain I feel inside.  In fact, I am not sure why I am spilling my guts so much in this entry.  Well, I am not going to delete it or save it and not post it.  I promised myself when I started writing this blog I would be as honest as I possibly could........

You tell a kid often enough they are stupid they start to believe it........you tell someone they are worthless.....they start to believe it too........

Will all the pain (both physical and mental) go away with the shedding of pounds.......probably not.......will I ever be in 100% perfect shape......nope.......better?? probably........

I could spend years on a shrinks couch and still not fully recover......

While people have the best intentions........this is my battle.....in my head, my heart and my body.......I know what I look like, I know how I feel, I know what I want........

I need encouragement not "suggestions", insults or to be degraded.........many times people may not even know they are hurting me.........I know I am super sensitive which can make even the most casual remark difficult to take.......

Just please keep caring for me, loving me and supporting me.........I need that more than anything else as I continue to move slowly to be the person I want to be........