I Guess I Am Still In Denial

I have heard there are several stages to the grief process....shock....check.....
anger.....check.....denial.......that the one where I am stuck......I think several times a day about calling her......the world operates as if nothing has changed... well it has. At work it is business as usual.....not for me. I know in time the reality will set in but please do not say to me "it has been six weeks and it is time to move on". Do you have a clue how big this loss is for me?????

I don't walk around sobbing but inside I think my heart is a little broken. Yes, I can still laugh about things and act as though things are normal but they are not. I can talk to my siblings and think they get what I am feeling but sometimes I feel very alone. I pray more.....now .....every night before I go to sleep.....I am grateful to wake up each morning to face a new day but I have also been a little more reclusive....I also try to fill the time especially on the rides home from work at night by calling friends and family.....it fills in what used to be "our time"......the nights I drive home in silence can seem long and lonely . I think more about death.....mine. I sure hope that is just a passing phase because of what has just happened......I sure do not want to spend the next 20 plus years thinking about that.....(see I am at least thinking I have 20+ years to go).

I don't know what stage the experts say is next......maybe reality? Well if what I am feeling is not real.....Lord help me when I get to the next stage......these last 6 almost 7 weeks have been way to real for me already.....