In my heart of hearts I still believe my long range goals will happen. I have started using the stepper in the house. I am now going to use it the nights I don't go to the gym.. The other night I did 250 steps......my goal.......500 steps a night. Doing the first 250 really got the old ticker going.....cardio, cardio,cardio.
When you are told by someone who is supposed to be close to you that the only way to lose the fat on your body is to go to a hospital and have it cut off......you want to cry or scream. The good thing is it made me mad. Anger is a funny thing it can either defeat you or make you want to fight back more. That is my choice to fight back more.......and that is what led me to the stepper. I have tried to walk around more at work. I have returned the shopping carts to the store instead of leaving them in the parking lot. I have chosen life over pain. I know that when I walk I walk stiffly due to my knee. I know when I climb stairs I look funny taking a step at a time. Do I have to wear a sign that says I took an ugly fall 6 years ago and my knee has never been the same since then? Why do I feel the need to apologize for the way I walk or climb? And why the hell do I feel self conscious about the way I walk......no one but me knows what the pain is like......but what do people think when they see me walk....I know what they are thinking......oh look at her she's fat and that is why she can't walk long distances or climb.......well guess what folks that's not it.......it is that it friggin hurts.....but I try to fight the pain each and every day......every once in a while I will walk pain free and when I realize that for some reason I am in a pain free zone.....I relish it......but most days the pain is there......the pain in the knee and in my heart because of the judgement of others......well judge all you want......I will continue to use the stepper and the elliptical and all the other things at my disposal to help me out......I am not giving up and I sure as hell am not singing.....
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