Twas the Week Before Christmas or I Said It Would Be A Crazy Week and it was......

As I said last week, it was going to be a busy week........

Monday night I got my hair cut and highlighted.  It was shorter than it has been before and definitely lighter.  Someone at work actually called it blond.  I call it highlights so my thin hair doesn't stand out as much.  I don't wear my glasses when I get my hair done so when I put my glasses on it is then I see the finished product.  This time I have to say Wayne surprised me and I loved it.  It also doesn't hurt to get so many compliments about it........

Tuesday was the employee breakfast and that went well.  The food was catered in and that meant less stress.  That night was the managers dinner.  I thought I knew where I was going but when I walk in the restaurant the manager said "TD isn't having a party here."  OK so me dopey had to call another manager and say "where is the party?" 

Thursday,  I stayed home in the morning to finish a test I had to take for work.  Isn't there ever a time when we can stop taking tests???? As I headed to work around 11:30,  I stopped to pick up lunch for my team as a Christmas gift.  We had lunch together and had our gift exchange. 

Saturday started by taking my damn dog to the vet......ugh.  Grooming, med's for his rash and shots!!  Then it was breakfast with a friend followed by shopping.  I made more cookie batters so I can ship them out this week.  I was planning on baking them early Sunday.

That's when my plan went to as they say here "to hell in a hand basket"....(still not really sure what that means).....my phone rings and next thing I know I am in my car heading to the office.  I was obviously not prepared to leave the house.....no makeup, hair just dried from the shower and no hint of having tried to style it at all, an old t shirt, Capri's and flip flops (thank God I remembered to throw on a bra)......

So here I am racing down the highway, foul mood, looking frightful, not feeling great and swearing like a sailor.....get the picture??? Now the hard part is I am going into the office to take complaint/questions from customers and I have to be friggin cheerful.......like Miss Congeniality.....ugh.....talk about a stretch!!!!! I get settled about 10 minutes late but I am there and ready to go.  One of the ladies on my team offers to come in and we decide she will come in from 2-4 and I cover from 11-2,  I worked on reports, emails, time cards, plans that need to be finished while I wait for the customer calls.....and wait and wait.....finally after 90 minutes,,,,the phone rings....total talk time with the customer 3 1/2 minutes......210 seconds.......and then I wait some more........another 90 minutes and then phone rings again.....total talk time.....4 minutes.....240 seconds.......then it is time to leave.  OK so on the upside (which I am still trying to find in ALL situations) I got a lot of other work done which means Monday will be less stressful. At 2:15 I head home.....

Once I get home it is time to work on the bills for the week.......I realize I forgot to write down a payment I had made this week....uh oh.......my balance in my checking account is $12.79 until payday on Friday......guess it's time to roll up the loose change.....LOL.....I work in banking and forget to write down a payment....I am such an ass!!!!  I try to look for the good in this..... this is really a stretch but then I think....... it's a short week with Christmas in the middle of the week.....I really don't need anything additional this week and will be able to get the things I need for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day on what I have left in the bank.......I also have enough money left in my wallet to mail out the last of the cookies so all in all I am OK......

Good things:
The last batch of cookies is in the oven.......the house smells great from them baking......

I was able to see my 2 favorite Christmas movies this week...."It's A Wonderful Life" and "A Christmas Carol" with Alistair Sim.....

It's a short week coming up.......

It's Christmas........I love Christmas Eve more than any other day of the year......it is the day when anything is possible.......

Merry Christmas to All!!!!

Until next week.......

10 Days To Go.....

I can't believe another Christmas is just 10 days away.  Wasn't it just the 4th of July???

I am happy to report with the exception of a few things that are still on their way to us we are pretty much done!!

As I write this there are cookies baking in the oven.  We made all the batters and then started baking and it seems to have gone well.  We have one more cookie chilling in the fridge and can bake those tomorrow.  Jenn has promised a lot of the people she works with cookies on Monday and I am bringing some to work.  I didn't make my favorite cookies to avoid additional temptations!!

The inside and outside of the house are decorated.  Thanks Jenn!!! She did have to use a cattle prod a few times to keep me moving!! 

Jenn has also kept up with the wrapping and mailed some cards for me.  Please don't get mad if you don't get a card from me......it is one of those chores I hate......I would rather talk to you on the phone or send you an e-mail.....or text. 

I haven't felt as stressed as I have other years with the big day approaching......that is a very good thing!!

I can't believe that next weekend right before Christmas I can do some fun things like going to see a local light display or watching my favorite version of "A Christmas Carol" and not worry about what I still have to do.

This week will be busy with a haircut, holiday breakfast for the employees, dinner with the managers, and my team's Christmas lunch.  All of which will be fun and make for a fast week!!

While I go through these days between Thanksgiving and Christmas I can't help but think about holidays past.  I am so grateful for those memories!!! I was just telling Jenn about one of my earliest memories.....we lived in a 5th floor walk up in the South Bronx,   it was close to Christmas and I remember sitting on the kitchen table "helping" my mom make Christmas cookies.  Then my Dad and brother George came into our apartment with the Christmas tree.  It was maybe a 5 second memory...like a short video but I can see it as clear now as all those years ago. 

In just a few short weeks we will all be reflecting on the year ending and making resolutions about the New Year ahead.  From now until the end of the year is filled with a lot of land mines for me.....food choices involving things you don't get to eat all year and not enough time to go to the gym.  But I have promised myself to not go crazy with the food but not to deprive myself either.  I also plan on hitting the gym everyday I am off between Christmas and New Years Day.....a nice jump start to 2014!!

Just a few more comments......

First..... thanks to my friends who e-mailed or texted me and said "where is you blog entry?"...it is nice to be missed.

Second.......my damn dog.....back to the vet again....cha ching cha ching......I could probably take a nice vacation on what I have paid the vet this year for his ear and skin issues....ugh.  He is not the easiest pet to have and has been know to bite the hand that feeds him but when he greets me when I walk through the door from work it is hard to not give him a big greeting back

Third......I am still counting my blessings each day......whether it be listening to Christmas music on my IPhone.......or laughing with a co-worker.........or the nice feeling just before you fall asleep .....or a hot shower in the morning........I am grateful for them all.......and for all of you.....my friends and family.......

See you next week.......promise!!

All I ever wanted to be was 18......

I was  born on Thanksgiving. 10lb 4 oz!!! (ugh even then weight was an issue) I swore the Macy's Parade was for me!! I don't remember some of those early birthdays but here are some I recall......

On my 8th birthday, I wanted a birthstone ring.  I remember seeing a little wrapped ring box on the table and not being able to open it until we had my birthday cake that night.  I still have that ring 50   years later.  In fact, I gave it to Jenn on her 8th birthday since our birthdays fall in the same month. 

Then next big thing was 13......I couldn't wait to be a teenager!! That meant I could join the teen club at our church. 

At 15, I had my first surprise party.  We had just moved out of the Bronx a few months earlier and I didn't know too many people so my parents invited over the few friends I had for dinner.

Sweet 16.....my parents in a moment of insanity let me invite 16 of my closest (LOL) girl friends for a sleep over.  There were girls sleeping all over....the dining room, living room and den......there was pizza and chatter all night.  Poor Dad had to step around girls no matter where he looked.  And I am sure he was just thrilled when they decided to serenade him with a variety of our favorite songs while he tried to read his Sunday paper and drink coffee.....poor Dad!!! LOL!!!

18 was a biggie!!!! I was legal!!! Yes, there was a lot of drinking and partying that night!!! 18 was a great year.....I made $29 a week from my part-time job .  It was enough money to pay for gas for my pinto, buy my cigarettes (gave that up years ago), jeans from my favorite store OM and drinks at the bars.  I was in college and having the time of my life.  And I fell in love for the very first time!! Oh and I was finally able to vote.....even for my Dad in local elections. Yes, 18 was a wonderful year!!!

29 was special since it was my first as a Mom.  On that birthday, I gave my Mom flowers as thanks for all she had done for me!!

For some reason the rest seem to have passed in a blur.....some have fallen on Thanksgiving which is a treat.  There was a year when we went to the parade and my family ended up having all the people standing around us join them in a rousing rendition of Happy Birthday to me....LOL......

The time from birthday to birthday seems to go quicker and quicker.......but as I get older I understand each one is something special to celebrate......do I feel old?  No!! In my head I am still in my 20's.....my body may disagree but that OK because I am working on that.......

So while 18 was an amazing year, each year of my life has had gifts to celebrate!  

So on to the next one and the next one and the next one........and so on and so on......

Thanks for reading and sharing your comments!!!

Hugs to you all!!!

Have a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving........and to the crazies out there like me.....Happy Black Friday!!!!!

See you next week.......

I Think I Might Be Getting The Hang Of This Positive Thing.......

I can see where positive goes to positive......I know there are bumps in the road but by putting my focus on the brighter side I am feeling happier.  No.....I am not whistling Zippy Do Da out my butt....but I am feeling good about life in general.  Not every day has some earth shattering event that makes life great but it truly is the smaller moments.....

Most of you know I write in a journal every night.  I write 5 good things that happened during the day.  Now I am more aware of the unexpected blessings that I may have overlooked before while I was searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Here are some examples:

1.  I was down to $9 in my checking account last week and had to pay a bill for $200.  I was stressing and then the mail showed up and a check I had been waiting for was there for.......$202.64......I looked at the check and said, "Thanks Mom!!!"....LOL

2. USC and the Giants both won!!

3.  I have  the Weight Watchers e-tools on my iphone and Jenn and I went through the pantry and fridge and scanned all my favorite foods.  Now I can track my foods so much easier.

4.  One of my co-workers bought me an Egg White McMuffin for breakfast on Friday as a treat.

5.  I had my haircut and was able to work with it and not struggle too much.  I even received a few compliments on it.

6.  Cracker Barrel now has healthier options on their menu.  Jenn and I went there yesterday after the gym and I had egg beaters scrambled eggs, turkey bacon, fruit and grits for less than 400 calories. Not bad at all!!!!

7.  I found the Weight Watcher peanut butter brownies at Publix......I bought 4 boxes in case I can't find them again for a while.

8.  I remembered to charge my aquabeat (waterproof IPOD) before I went to the gym to jog in the pool.  Nothing worse than getting in the pool to jog and the batteries are not charged!!

9.  I love hearing from my cousins on FB.  This week I tried to comment more on postings and it is true you get what you give......I have had more "conversations" this week by reaching out more.  It's funny what people think of you and you don't know it......a friend from high school referred to me as "smiley face" and a constant source of happiness......I guess I am trying to find that person again.  It's kind of like when I look at old pictures of myself and think "boy you looked good then" but in my head even then I was fat.  Yes I am working on the self-esteem!!!!

All that being said.....is life perfect....absolutely not...but by trying not to let the negatives drag me down I am feeling better.....

Besides looking for the good things.....I am still focusing on the weight thing and the tough part of the year is coming up.  I have to try to avoid the landmines.  Even with a few treats aka slip-ups I will not enter the New Year with any extra holiday pounds .....maybe even down a few......promise!!

I wish you were all here to hug or laugh with or just to have a nice long visit with......know that you are all always in my heart.......I don't mind my heart being big..... and full of love....isn't that the way it is supposed to be....

See you next week.....

Still Finding Good Things, A Birthday and A Chance Encounter.......

Continuing my quest to find good things at little or no cost......they just keep popping up!!! 

1.  In an office move, one of my boxes was misplaced.  Was it one with all kinds of work info.....nope.  It was the one with the family photos, mini zen garden and a assortment of my favorite quotes.  Well it was finally located....WOO HOO!!!!
2. Had a great time with Jenn yesterday celebrating her birthday.  Just one fun event after the next.....including a new daring color nail polish for my tootsies.
3. Finally did what I said I would do....checked the pantry and freezer BEFORE food shopping.  When I go food shopping tomorrow my bill will be alot less since I decided to shop in my pantry and freezer first. Also have some coupons for some buy one get one items too!!!!
4. Enjoyed the first few minutes after I wake up and feel comfy under my blankets.
5.  Already had a back up pair of flip flops to replace the ones I had been wearing and wearing and wearing.
6.  Made time each evening to do some reading.
7.  Opened a "Cookie Jar" account at a local credit union with a small amount to finally start saving for a trip to Italy.  I will throw a few dollars in there when I can..... it makes the trip finally seem real.  I will be using my loose change to add to the account too!!
8.  Went to Bruegger's for Bagels for my team and guess what...... it was free cup of coffee day......nice treat!!

Can't wait to see what good things turn up in the next 7 days......

Jenn and I both took off yesterday for her birthday.  It was so much fun and I love the adult she has become.....but her birthday always reminds me of Mom and Dad.  For Dad, I think Jenn's birth was the last thing on his bucket list.  He had done just about everything he wanted to do and he already had 4 grandsons.  I think he was happy to finally add a granddaughter so he could cross that item off his list.  I made Jenn laugh yesterday when I told her the story about Nannie waiting for her to be born.  My Mom and sister came to the hospital when I had been in labor several hours.  They waited patiently through the night.  Finally about 7AM, Mom had had enough and demanded to see my Dr.  The nurse told Mom the Dr. was sleeping,  Mom's response was "I am sure my daughter is not sleeping so I don't think Dr. Kim should be sleeping either'"  Poor Dr. Kim came  to talk to them.  Mom said labor should not go on for 24 hours without something being done.  Then Dr. Kim gave me up.....he told Mom I was fighting for a regular delivery.  Thank goodness Mom couldn't come to see me.....she probably would have slapped me and said, "take the drugs and get this over with!!"  I did end up with a c-section about an hour later.  And my advice after that to any  expectant mom was "take the drugs!!!"

One more thing.....I usually don't strike up conversations with strangers.  It is just not something I am comfortable with.....but occasionally I will try.  Jenn and I went to the Hallmark store to look at ornaments.  I finally finished looking around and sat on the bench outside the store.  A lady came out with a VIP bag that Hallmark was giving for $50 purchases.  I asked her what was in the bag. We started to chat.  I found out she bought ornaments for each of her children each year since their birth.  She shared with me she had lost one son when he was 26.  She talked about his daughter/her granddaughter.  By the time the conversation was finished we were both in tears.  Not sobbing but blinking back tears.  Then she said " there is  my daughter" and went to get in the car.  She turned and looked at me for a second and smiled...... I said to her "Merry Christmas!!"  "Same to you!!" she said back and then she was gone.  I know Thanksgiving is a few weeks away and wishing someone a Merry Christmas may have seemed silly but to me those were the perfect words for us to part with......

See you next week...... 

Things That Made It A Good Week......

As I look back on the past 7 days I found that there were a lot of good things about the week.....here they are in no particular order.......

1.  USC wins a nail biter last night......still flying high from that one.
2.  I talked to ALL my siblings this week.  And these were not just quick "hey what's going on" conversations.
3.  The NY Giants finally won a game!!!!
4.  It finally felt like the fall in SC.  It was 34 degrees yesterday morning!!!!
5.  I saw new pictures of all my grandnieces this week.....great photo's of Victoria, Ellie and Zoey!!!!!
6.  My mums in front of the house have bloomed beautifully.
7.  The Red Sox lost last night in a very weird finish.
8.  I passed up a piece of carrot cake and some brownies that had a peanut butter cup inside and a chocolate chip cookie on the bottom.
9.  I helped Jenn ice cupcakes for the University 101 class she is teaching.  I could hear my Mom saying"swirl the icing Donna."  so I swirled the icing.
10.  I had a nice chat with the lady who makes the sushi at Publix.  I asked her if she ever made it with sushi cones.  I think she called it Inarri.  I explained that was how my grandmother made them.  She said I can order sushi like that if I want!!
11.  I took 4 count 'em 4 mini-naps yesterday.
12. One of my oldest friends called last night.  Linda and I have been friends for more than 40 years.....yikes!! We haven't seen each other in 15 years but we still keep in touch.  I love talking to her because we spend about 10 minutes catching up and then another hour just shooting the breeze.  I promised Linda this year I will visit her!!!!
13.  I laughed at some funny TV shows.......The Middle, Modern Family and reruns of Will and Grace.
14. For once I stayed awake each night all the way through my prayers ....and yes you were included in them!!
15.  One of my cousins put a family picture on FB this week where it was very clear that my Mom had cut my hair..  At the time I think they called it a "pixie" haircut.......I call it "what were you thinking Mom??"
17. I treated myself to some shrimp.....it is cooking now and will be part of my lunch this week!!
18.  I have played Burger Shop until my fingers get numb each night....LOL.
19. Weight Watchers has a new peanut butter brownie I tried this week.. It was delicious!!!
20.  While I was writing this blog entry......the NY Giants won for the 2nd time!!!

Nice week.....lots of good things......they each cost little or no money......I feel blessed.....in the movie Pollyanna her preacher said to her "we looked for the good in people and found it".....I am trying to look for the good things no matter how small they may be......and guess what.....this week I found a lot of them!!!!

The Challenge of this Blog......

Last week I had writers block.........

I couldn't think of anything worth you spending a few minutes reading.  It's funny some weeks I get a lot of hits for my posts and other weeks a lot less.  I am not sure what makes someone want to read what I have written or look at it and say "Nah.... not this week",

When I first started to write this blog 3 years ago, it was only going to be about me trying to get healthy, going to the gym and what I was doing to put me first. All of those things are still important to me.  BUT what I have found is that this blog has evolved into my dream job.......I would love to write a weekly column in a newspaper only I am too late for that.......no longer do you see a columns like Erma Bombeck's talking about everyday life. 

I have started to work on what I hope will turn into a novel.  IT IS FICTION!! If you see a first name you recognize or a place you have visited it doesn't mean I am writing about you.  I am also still seeking a venue for my shorter creations such as magazines, online newspapers and such.

During the week if I come up with something I think will be good for my blog, I put a note on my IPhone so I don't forget.  Sometimes I save a topic for a later date.....until I am ready to share it with you.  It is weird I am willing to share the funny things I get myself into but struggle with the painful entries.  I am willing to make an ass out of myself and let you join in the laughter but when I write an entry and I end up crying......I am not looking for your pity.  I am just trying to keep it as real as I can since I promised myself I would be as honest as I dared.  Up to now I think I have been pretty true to that plan.

I have written about my exploits at the gym, my struggle to lose weight, my lack of grace (OK the fact that I am clumsy)......I have shared about loss of loved ones and the ending of relationships.......there have been weeks when I went on about memories and reunions. 

I have stepped much further out of my comfort zone than I ever intended when I wrote my first post.  By sharing with you I have grown, I have challenged myself and I have save a zillion hours on a therapist couch........

Just one more thing........

Tomorrow is my sister's birthday.......
when we were young we were very different......and I guess the same can be said about us as adults.  Cheryl wants to save the world......she is the champion for the poor, the homeless and there has never been a animal she didn't love.  I on the other hand am more cautious.  I will help one person at a time while she will try to save a whole family.  I have owned one dog at time and would never think of having two. She will give you the shirt off her back while I will give you a shirt I didn't really want (OK how shallow am I).  She has been a second Mom to Jenn and their mutual admiration society is sometimes nauseating.......as they say it is all about them!!!! Cheryl will talk about how much she loved her freshman year in high school because I was a senior and she knew all my friends.  I didn't think it was a big deal but then she told me how much she hated going back to school her sophomore year and my group had moved on.  We make each other crazy at times as sisters often do but we also have those moments when we share with each other something going on in our lives and we each try to find the right words to say.  We have had fist fights growing up and probably screamed at each other a zillion times over who's turn it was to do the dishes. But yet for some reason one of my favorite memories with her was when I was about 8 months pregnant and she came and spent the afternoon with  me in my apartment.  It wasn't a major event....just two sisters having lunch in a one bedroom apartment.  We ate ham, provolone, peppers and eggplant sandwiches. Funny, I am not sure why that afternoon stands out in my mind.  Maybe because she was a Mom and I was going to be one........maybe because we had finally found the things we had in common and not what we had that was different.....but somehow that afternoon changed things for me as far as our relationship.......it made us close.

Happy Birthday Cheryl!!!!! Love your "older" "big" sister!!!!

Purple Glitter Polish and a Mini-Crock Pot

I find it is very easy to get sad.  As the changes in my life slowly happen I sometimes find it a battle to not go to the dark side and feel sorry for myself.

Sleeping in the recliner wasn't so bad in the bedroom.  But the weeks when I do not have the bedroom I don't sleep as well in the living room recliner.  I am not sure if it is because of the openness of the room or the chair is just not as comfortable.  The couch is not an option ....it is really uncomfortable.  So I wake up cranky and sometimes tired from waking up during the night.  I find myself counting the days until I am back in the bedroom again.  When I arrive at work I am not very talkative .....at least for a while.  I just log on to the computer and gradually work out of my mood.  Maybe I need to stop for coffee every morning......nope not in the budget.

The budget is tight but I can make it work.  I have thought maybe I need to give up some things or readjust my priorities.  Giving up my pedi......ok this is totally selfish but at this point in my life I should be able to get a pedicure once a month and not feel guilty......right???? Give up the gym??? Another no. 

I usually take my lunch to work as a way to save money.  One thing I know is that I need to eat something that takes a while to eat.  A sandwich is gone too quickly as are many other lunchtime options.  Last Christmas, I bought myself a small crock pot.  It is portable and not made for cooking but is intended to heat things up.  Now,  I have soup at lunch and it is GREAT!! I also have a Weight Watcher salad carrier.  It keeps the salad cold.  I use romaine, mushrooms and some low fat cheese and it is yummy. There is also a separate compartment for the salad dressing so the salad doesn't get soggy.

Back to the pedi.....for the last 4 or 5 years I have always and I mean always gotten my toes done in either red or pink.  The polish must have glitter in it too!!! Well in my quest to change things up.....this most I had them done in purple glitter for Halloween,  next month in a orangy gold for Thanksgiving.......December I am thinking gold.  Small changes but for someone like me who doesn't change things up often....this is pretty big!!!!

Put up with me if I don't seem upbeat.......I usually work my way out of it.........ask my team....... sometime between 10 and 11 in the morning I am  more social than when I first walk into the office .  I may reach out to you on the phone......just let me talk........

I am moving along just slowly.......the next few months.....the holidays.....may be more challenging than before.....but then again we haven't spent the holidays together in a few years anyway so it may not be too bad. 

Why can't I live in one of those towns from those Hallmark Christmas movies I love????

OK I need an upbeat ending......lunches are so much better now!!! And my toes.....judge for yourself.....LOL.....see the pictures below.....

October toes.....

November color.......

I know....I know ....I need to get a life.....or move along to my new life......well at least this is a start.......

Food For Thought.....

I heard a term recently that I have not heard before.....weight loss resistant.  I heard it on a talk show and looked it up....surprise there is such a thing!!

Maybe that's my problem.....

Two of the things that I saw referenced were stress and lack of sleep.

Many studies say that you need to get a good nights sleep to help weight loss.  Well, I am sure I am not getting enough hours of sleep.  I average 5-6 hours a night.  It is suggested at my age (ugh) I get 8 hours a night.  Actually, the new sleeping arrangements are helping me get a more restful nights sleep.  No more waking up to snoring.  Now I have to get out of the habit of sleeping in a recliner.  Bad habit and now it is hard to break.  I need to start in just a few hour increments and build up from there. 

Stress.....ok this is hard one.  For example in the last week I wrote a difficult post, Bob's unemployment ran out, then engine blew on his car and there are some changes coming up at work......think that is enough stress for one week????? BUT I am trying to minimize my stress.....writing the post last was stressful but having shared what is going on makes it easier to not pretend everything is fine.  The car engine....oh well it is what it is.  The end of unemployment....I will make the budget work.  The changes at work......anyone in the mortgage industry will tell you this is a constant...things are always changing.

To help my weight loss/get healthy goals....I am going to go to bed earlier at night (isn't that why DVR's were created?) and I am going to work on not letting stress get the better of me. Everyone has stress in their lives but I have to minimize it or let some things roll of my shoulders.

In Weight Watchers magazine there was an article about how I have to stop being negative about myself.  Not just me LOL....but all of us.  If asked I could come up with issues about everything from my hair to my toes.  I have to try and stop the self-criticism.  This will be hard for me.....I have talked about my thin hair, fat butt, big thighs......and on and on but according to the article this is not good for me mentally.  I need to create positive images that make me feel good about myself......this could be a challenge for the person who has never felt good about her looks.....but I am not going to stress out about it.....LOL.....I am going to give it a try.

I have been to the gym and done an hours worth of jogging in the pool several times in the last week.  I am so glad to be getting back into a routine at the gym!!

Oh one more thing......counting points.  Weight Watchers does like you to count point each day for the foods you eat.  I do use my calculator on my smart phone all the time.  Last week, Jenn was taking muffins from Sam's Club to her University 101 class.  I thought I would bring some to work too.  Once we got them home we both agreed they were big muffins.....but how many points could they really be?? I used my handy dandy calculator and guess what??? They were 17  POINTS EACH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!  It is safe to say neither Jenn or I had one bite of those babies......

Ok so in using my new positive thought process....thanks for reading and caring......

PS.  I want to thank all of you for your response to my entry last week.  I had more views of that entry than any other I have written in the last 3 years.  Almost  200 people read and many wrote to me about that difficult entry. I received e-mails, texts and feedback on FB from family, friends and even people that I went to school with many many years ago.......all were positive and supportive and I cannot tell you how much that meant to me!!!! I feel the love!!!!

PPSS Just one more thing......in looking at the number of views of my blog.....I am close to 18,000 views since it's inception. I need you to know that your comments mean a lot....it also helps me to know that what I am writing has some value to others.  Thanks for following me through my journey.......I am so glad you decided to come along for the ride!!!!! 

See you next week.........

A Hard Entry To Share......

It's true....like an ostrich I stick my head in the sand.   I think things can't be fixed.....the storm door handle breaks...I leave it broken....... the grill doesn't light....I leave it unused......nothing can be fixed.  Or can it???

This is one of the hardest entries I have written.......and one of the most personal........short of telling you how much I weigh.....it will probably never get any more personal than this.....at least nothing I can think of now.

Most of you are aware things have not been right in the Pizzo house for a while now.  And they haven't been.  You go into a relationship thinking it is forever.....at least I really believed that 30 plus years ago.......

Life throws you curves that you don't anticipate.  People change. People grown in different directions. 

I thought I could get through it all......I thought we could get through it all.......I was wrong. 

I live in a house where the communication is down to necessary conversation only.  We swap the bedroom weeks at a time.  I have it one week ....he has it the next. 

What should I blame......30 years of financial struggles.......cancer....unemployment??? Each one of those may have played a part but I have seen people endure more than that and still stay together.  

We are not soul mates......

I envy the people who tell everyone how great their spouse is and how they love them.  I see a couple walking along holding hands.  I see people reference their date nights with their spouses.  I am jealous of them all.......

So do I settle......do we settle????

This relationship is winding down......sailing in to the sunset....slowly......there is a lot to work through......trying to be fair and leave both of us in a good place.  The legalities will come eventually.......I compare this to slowly taking off a band aid instead of ripping it off.

I have referred to myself as a failure......or this relationship as a failure.......but can any relationship that produced a great daughter like Jenn ever be considered a failure??? NEVER!!!!

I didn't write my entry last week because I had  a lot on my mind.

I went and had my wedding ring cut off. I cried as I looked at the ring finger that hadn't been bare in over 30 years.  There are still marks on the finger where the ring once was.....I still reach to adjust it on my hand......and then get sad when I realize it is no longer there......

While this is not the way I expected it to turn out when I said for richer for poorer in sickness and in health.......I can find no way to make it work any more.

As I look ahead.....I see myself alone....and that scares me.......

But I also look to a time when I can watch Jenn off on her own adventures, when I can spend my time writing and live near some beach......

Right now I am terrified....

You need to know that Bob is not a bad guy or the villain.....we both have had a part in this.....I just think this is too broken too repair.

Please do not avoid me or Bob.  I tell my family please come to see us if you want....we still make that work and I would hate not to see people who want to spend time with us.

I think putting this all down in words makes it more real......and makes me cry as I read it back.....

Say a prayer for us as we work though this process ......

After all is said and done...........I still believe in love.....

 

The TD Wellness Challenge

The company I work for (TD Bank) is starting a company wide wellness challenge.  Teams of employees competing against each other and getting healthy in the process.

I am part of a team called "Keeping It Real".  There are 7 other co-workers on the team.....very competitive people I might say too.  The challenge involves either exercising or taking extra steps.  I chose as my part to exercise.  You could also put down you weight and track that too.....nope not doing that on a work website even though they say it is confidential.....how do I know the government is not tracking this info for release.  I sure do not want to end up testifying in front of Congress about my weight due to NSA leaks.....

My Friend, DeAnna, was the one who got the ball rolling.  She asked me if I wanted to be on a team with her.  Then we found out we would need at least 5 team members to compete.  I wasn't sure we would get that many but then everyone on my team at work decided to join in.  A few people from other teams asked to join too....so there we are 8 in all. 

Having friends from work as part of a group is great for me.  I need the support during the day. 

This week-end I went to the gym 3 out of 4 days and jogged in the pool an hour each time.

I went and signed up for Weight Watchers again...I know I know how many times have I done this.....at some point it has to work right......I went to the meeting as if I had never been on the program before.  I feel so focused now I just have to not let myself slide. I have also promised myself that I will not let my mood be determined by what happens on the scale each week.  I think that was part of my downfall in the past.....I now know I am more than a number.  That is why I love the Special K commercial where ladies are measured with a tape measure that doesn't show inches it shows positive words instead.  I like that idea.....so no more it's a bad week if I am not down at the scales.....PROMISE!!!!

I went food shopping and have already made a cucumber, tomato and red onion salad for tomorrow (ok don't talk to me after lunch since I will eat the red onion).  I also bought and cooked some shrimp to have for lunch.  Yes, I will write down what I eat.  That is the thing that I find the most difficult to stick to but I really need to do this if I want to be successful.  People who track what they eat do better at losing weight. 

I am not setting a goal for myself as far as what I was to see on the scale.  I am just going to do the best I can. 

So here I go again.....at least I don't quit......I may slack off at times but I still know where I want to be......healthier. 

And I hope you are not all out there saying how many times have we read these words before???  If you are thinking or saying that.....you are right......I may fall down but I continue to get up.....and isn't that half the battle???

I have to continue to put me first.........I have to believe in me.......and need you to believe in me too.......so I am asking all of you my cheerleaders to hang in with me once again as I restart....set back to zero.....and begin again........maybe all the stars and planets are in alignment this time.......I can't give up the Donna I see in my head......maybe she is a dream.....maybe she doesn't exist any where but in my head and heart.....but that's ok....I can see her and hopefully some day you will all see her too..........

There Are Still 1st's To Be Accomplished......

I think I have been going at this all wrong.  I keep thinking of the things I can't do or will never do in my life.....

No mountain climbing (did I ever want to do it anyway?), no skydiving (hell I am afraid of heights), no size 6 in my future ( I was born bigger than a size 6).......

But I have started to realize there are still 1st's......mabye not of major magnitude but still new adventures.

A few weeks ago right after work on a Wednesday,  I drove to my friends house at the beach to spend a few days with them.  As I was making the 160 mile drive blasting my IPOD I realized I don't travel alone often.  I have gone on two business trips by myself in the last few years but usually when I go someplace I have someone  else with me.  Now a 2 1/2 hour ride is not momentus by most standards but it does represent a new phase in my life......doing things alone vs as part of a couple or a family trip. During my life, I would travel with family, then with a spouse and then as a Mom.......not just as Donna. 

The beginning of a new phase......

While at the beach I did something I have never done before........I drove a golf cart (laugh if you will but it was an adventure for me).  The only problem  was my knee wouldn't bend the way it had to in order to hit the break but I figured out a way to make it work and was able to drive around the island like everyone else (maybe it was not a pretty but I didn't quit).

I also drove a convertible.  My friend has a convertible that I drool over.  She asked me if I wanted to drive it when we ran to buy shrimp for dinner.  (Nothing like going to the local shrimp company and seeing the shrimpers docked right behind the shop). While Kathy went in to buy the shrimp, I got into the drivers seat.  Off we went back to the house.  It was so much fun!!!!!  Plus I loved being able to bypass the guard/security gate since the car had a resident pass in the window (see it's the little things I love).

I ate Frogmore Stew for the first time.....it was wonderful.....filled with sausage, shrimp, red potato's and corn.  It used to be eaten with newspapers spread out on the table putting the shrimp shells and corn cobs right on the newspaper when they were done.

Outdoor showers every day....... knowing my self image you can only imagine how nervous I was about this......but guess what..... it was wonderful.  Nothing like getting back from the beach and taking a shower outside......yes there is lattice work so you are not out in the open for all to see.  My daughter used the word liberating to describe it and she was right.  It was a little surprising to see a deer staring out me when I showered but it also was funny... I can only imagine what he thought.....LOL

I haven't been in the ocean in many years.  One morning, we went to the beach and decided to go in the water.  For the first time in a zillion years I didn't hesitate.  I went out about waist deep......I forgot about the waves.....I forgot how to maneuver in the waves.....basically that means I got knocked on my ass by the waves and each time I tried to get up another wave would go over me.  Now I am not talking tsunami size waves....but enough to keep me off balance and soaking wet.  Kathy couldn't do much more than laugh since I looked so ridiculous.  Anyway, the waves pushed me closer and closer to shore.  Then the panic kicked in.......how the hell do I stand up with my bad knee and get back to the stairs......did it ever enter my mind to go back into the deeper water where it would be easier to stand up??  NNNNNOOOOOO.....so I did a reverse crab walk up to the stairs.....thank God the beach was deserted.  It wasn't pretty and it took a bit of time but guess what I made it to the stairs and got up (with a little assistance.... thank goodness for the railing I used to hoist myself up). I then climbed the stairs and caught my breath.

Oh and stairs, I did tons of them.....the stairs at the beach access I liked the best (since there was a lovely bench to sit on and from there you could see the ocean, people watch and get a great ocean breeze)......the nice part about the stairs at that access was I could walk up them like everyone else....no one step at a time.....I loved that......

A lot of 1st's.....traveling alone, driving a golf cart, driving a convertible, going in the ocean without thinking about it and figuring out how to get myself out of a jam instead of saying I can't....that feels so good.

Now I am trying to think more "I can"  if it is something I really want to do.....

One more thing.....with Labor Day quickly approaching it is time for me to get back into my routine......back to the gym (I have a 4 day week-end coming up and plan on hitting the gym 4 days in a row to jump start my exercise routine), more focus on eating the right things and working on the health and weight thing.  Maybe I can drop some pounds before the dreaded holidays roll in......

But the bottom line is I know there are more 1st's for me.......I am not sure what they are but if it is something I really want to do I won't say automatically say no out of fear........I want to continue to embrace every minute of my life as I continue to learn about me.....

The Reunion- Part III- Goodbye's

I have not been looking forward to writing this entry.......it makes me sad.......

Mom's Last Trip........
For years, Mom had hoped for a Welch Family Reunion.  There were gatherings through the years but they weren't as big a group as we had at this one.  Unfortunately, not everyone made it this time but it was the largest gathering of the Welch Ohana in 25 years. As you know, we lost Mom on New Years Day 2012.   The plans for the reunion began a few months after her passing.  I knew I would be looking for Mom around every corner or would hear her laugh echoing through the kitchen.  My sister suggested I bring Mom to the reunion.  It was a great idea.  Jenn and I brought with us the wind chimes that contained some of Mom's ashes and my cousin Pat hung them on the deck outside the main house.  Several times I could hear the chimes in the breeze off the lake.  It was as if she was letting us know she was there.  I also saw people go up and touch the chimes and say hello to Mom.  It did not replace her physical presence there but made me feel good to know she was a part of the our time together. 

I also need to say something to my Auntie's and Uncles......you each touched my heart in a special way.  You took time to seek us out.  You took time to talk to us about our lives and to pray with us.  Your love, hugs and caring made Mom's absence less painful.  Each of you in your own way became our Mom and Dad.  I will be always be grateful for the gentle hand on the shoulder, the understanding look when we started to cry and kindness that you each offered us as a gift.  I can not come up with any words that would appropriately express my gratitude but need each of you "elders" (sorry Auntie Elsie for using that term LOL) to know you gave so much just by being there!!!!!

Goodbye's........
As I had said in my previous post, we were all aware out time together was running out.  Each day I would wake up and think well we still have X amount of days left.  On Saturday, our time together was dwindling down to a few short hours.  Marion and Blaine were the first to leave very early Saturday morning and it only reinforced that this would be our last day together.  I wanted time to freeze, to not leave the main house and to not let go of the people I had reconnected with or had met for the first time or hadn't seen in many, many years.  I know we all had to return to our own lives but in 5 short days the Welch Ohana had become so much a part of me.  I felt no judgements, I felt no expectations......I only felt love.  Why would anyone willingly walk away from that????  For some returning to our lives would be easy.....for others there were new adventures ahead of them.......for some it was time to go back and face the battles that life has thrown at us........it was the day I dreaded the most.    The goodbyes were met with hugs, I love you's and we will see each other agains.  Aunt Marion said to me " We hate saying goodbye to you (meaning all of us East Coasters) because you are all so far away."  I felt the same way.....it wasn't like we could just drive a few hours to spend time together.......

When the night was over and everyone had gone to bed, I thought about those 5 days.  They had been so much more than I had hoped for......and at least I had gotten through the goodbye's....or so I thought....

Very early the next morning....the McFall contingent was moving out......we were all up as everyone had early departures planned.  So once again we had another round of goodbye's......

The McFall's left followed by my brother, George, next was Jenn and I, then Cheryl and Chris.  The only people left were Jessica and Adam to close down the house. 

One of the 5 best days of our lives was over.....

The empty house......I think part of us all is still there.....our laughter echos in the air,  the conversation in record decibels is still bouncing off the ceiling........our love for each other imprinted in its walls. 

The Journey's home......

For some the journey home was just a few hours......for some many hours.....for some it was hours in airports (Cheryl, Chris and Carrie).....for one... a solitary ride on a motorcycle for almost a day........I never thought I would see the Arch in St Louis and  that same day drive through the Smokey Mountains and into Asheville NC and on to Columbia, SC.......people traveled in rain, thunder ,daylight and dark and finally morning.....back to our lives......never to be the same again.......

The Pictures......

I am only using two of the pictures from the reunion.....one in particular has been mentioned my other family members as it really is the essence of what we all feel.....and the other I think shows the joy we all felt...

And to my cousing Pat........you are my HERO for making this happen!!!!

I love you all my Ohana!!!!!

The Reunion - Part ll

Food, Antics and Fireball......that's where I left off.....

Food......oh this is easy.....great, great, great food.

Two out of three nights were started with beautiful blessings.  Both Aunt Dorothy and Uncle Paul said blessings that left most in tears.  We were fortunate to have Uncle Paul's recorded.....I wish we had recorded Aunt Dorothy's too......

Italian Night.......lots and lots and lots of pasta,  OK....maybe  too much PASTA. I just couldn't gauge the quantities for 40 plus people.  There was enough pasta to take care of many lunches, etc for the rest of the reunion.

Hawaiian Night......fried rice, spam musibi (sp.), teriyaki chicken, pineapple upside down cake.....and on and on.   Great food and much more reasonable quantities.  It was great to see a line of hungry Welch's waiting to chow down on super food.

Mexican night.......taco's, salsa, queso, guacamole.....everything your heart (and stomach) could ask for.......amazing food!!!!!!

If Starbucks was a food group this would be a hit for many in our family.....Starbucks runs were made daily.....

Now let's talk about antics......

There was boating, jet skiing, paddle boats, wake boarding and water skiing. 

There were duets sung by Donna and George.

We have a lovely rendition of "Jesus loves Me" by Makenzie.  In fact, she sang it with more feeling each time we applauded.....

And last but not least was the dancing sausage........if you didn't see it happen or the video..... you missed something that is difficult to describe.......I have never seen such creativity or insanity over a link of Italian sausage........someday when there is a family reunion years from now.......our descendants will wonder what kind of lunatics this group was.........but they will be able to tell we sure knew how to have fun!!!!

FIREBALL........I felt that word needed to be in cap's........

The 2nd's as they were called didn't bond the second they met BUT once the noise from the 1st's and the elders got to a decibel level the 2nd's couldn't take they retreated to the bottom level of the house.  There they partook in the drink FIREBALL.....and drink they did.......Paul's Supermarket became very popular with the younger set.  If Paul had nothing in his store but FIREBALL and Ruffles Loaded Baked Potato Chips.....he would have sold out in 5 days.  It is safe to say at least 2 bottles of Fireball were consumed a day.  Chris became best friends with the cashier named Candy....she shared her dance moves with him.....she said she was glad he came to visit.

Oh and the 2nd's also set up a basement speed trap.....if any of the elders or 1st's dared to go down those stairs.....they had to drink a shot (or a capful in Auntie Dorothy's case)......also if you didn't go down stairs to the speed trap it came to you....nothing like having a bunch of 2nd's bringing you a bottle and yelling drink.....

The good part was since all of the consumption took place straight from the bottle .....there was no rush to buy red solo cups at Paul's. 

I did hear that since we left Paul was stuck with cases of Fireball since he purchased not knowing all of his sales were to one crazy family.

THE HARD PART........

Each of us in our own way kept reminding ourselves our time was running out.  The 5 precious days together were coming to and end.

The last entry will cover.....Mom's last trip, photo's and goodbyes.......

The Reunion.....Part 1.....Getting There.......

Many times I have seen people wearing reunion t-shirts.  I never really thought about the people behind the shirts.  I never thought about the miles traveled.  I never thought about the reunion experience at all......

Now after 5 memorable days at Osage Beach (Land of the Ozarks), Missouri......I get it.  I understand the planning, the expenses, the distances traveled and how worth it was going through every state and mile traveled to and from the Welch Ohana Reunion.

Travel and Arrivals.....

The planning stage started over 1 year ago....and our fearless leader was my cousin, Pat.  Pat found the location, found the main house, with help from his daughter designed the t-shirt, was the treasurer and all he and his wife April wanted in return.......for everyone to have a good time.

Jenn and I left on Monday at noon.......four hours behind schedule due to a banking issue that needed to be resolved.

Through the day we traveled from state to state. I even let Jenn drive for a couple of hours and for those of you who know me well I am a control freak so giving up the drivers seat was big thing for both of us  (Jenn thanks Uncle John  for giving me the gentle nudge to let J drive). We kept in touch with various family members.  Around 9 PM, I talked to cousin Pat.  He and his family had arrived at the reunion site late in the afternoon.  I told him Jenn and I would be stopping in Arkansas for the night.  First we hit Memphis and I have to say driving through there at night was a little unnerving......it wasn't a highway but we were driving through town.  Jenn could sense my nervousness.  She then made a suggestion that a few years ago I wouldn't have believed I would hear from her......"Mom, I am going to put my gun next to us on the seat."  I agreed it was a good idea.  Before we knew it we were in Arkansas......

Jenn called and called a variety of hotels that only had expensive rooms to offer.  We both agreed that since it was close to mid-night we would just keep driving and not bother to stop.  I have to say there were stretches where I thought....what the hell are we doing driving in the middle of the night to someplace we have never been.

At 4:30, Missouri time (5:30 SC time), we pulled into Peterson's Point and our destination.  There was no way I was waking anyone up at that hour so I told Jenn we would just sleep in the car until a decent hours and then ring the bell.  I tried to sleep.......about an hour later, Jenn said she had to go to the bathroom.......me being just slightly tired at this point suggested she go behind the car......you can only imagine the look I got from her.  Then I said....."I have the code for the garage."  The look on her face said it all as she said is a somewhat annoyed tone...."you have had the garage code and I have been sitting in this car for an hour?" I gave her the code and in she went.  My cousin Pat had been asleep on the couch.  Jenn's entrance work him up and the reunion began.

Over the next few days people arrived in groups or as individuals......each was greeted like Norm entering  CHEERS.  There were hello's and hugs and in some cases introductions. Cousin Michele who said she couldn't make it showed up .......some of her siblings didn't even know she was making the trip until their caravan gathered in Colorado.  The largest cheer was for my older brother, George.....he was also not expected to be there.  He rode 1400 miles on his motorcycle to spend a little more than 48 hours with his Ohana. 

During the next 5 days there was not one waking hour when I wasn't hugged or kissed or told I love you.  It wasn't just me but every one of the 40 plus people that traveled from Florida, Maryland, South Carolina, Hawaii, Wisconsin, Texas, Oklahoma and Colorado share the true experience of love. 

The next chapter.......food, antics and Fireball (thanks to the 2nd generation)........

I Have Seen The Face of Courage and Her Name Is Gina.....

I had planned on my first blog entry after my trip to see my Ohana (that means family for those not fluent in Hawaiian) in Missouri to be about the 5 day love fest I experienced.  I will still write about that life changing event but something more important needs to be written now.......

When I read about my dear cousin's PET scan findings, I needed time to process and think about what I would say to her if we were in person or through this entry.  I spent last night searching for the right words of comfort, encouragement and support.  I struggled....

Many of our Ohana were quick to write wonderful words of prayer, hope and love.  And still I struggled......my brother, George, said what I was feeling..."I feel lost and don't know what to do".

Well after thinking about it all night here are my thoughts (some of which have already been said by others).....

Gina you are the most amazing, courageous and strong person I have ever met!!!!! I love that you said cancer does not own your mind......it sure as hell doesn't!!! Seeing you in the Frat house last week and the way you celebrated our time together was not only incredible but also one heck of a good time!!!

You are a survivor in every sense of the word.......the mental battle you face every day, your faith in God and your ability to smile, and hug and love makes you an inspiration to me and all who know you.

I have spent the last 4 years living with a victim of cancer.  It has taken a toll on relationships and lives.  Jenn and I watched you in awe last week and both said "too bad Bob didn't fight the mental battle with a quarter of the energy you use each day."

You know that all of your Ohana is there with you, wrapping their arms around you, praying with you and telling you they love you.  The miles that separate us are only that......miles.  But our hearts are together as one.  We are with you each second of every day ready to walk with you all the steps of your journey.

You have looked cancer in the eye and said "You don't control me!!!!"  You have a joy that you share with others and it is contagious.  Your smile makes others smile.  Your strength makes others strong. 

There are things that happen in everyday life that we complain about.....whether it be an ache or a pain, a car repair bill or a spouse who just doesn't get it.  We tend to get wrapped up in the me of life.  You on the other hand have not made this about you when you had every right to......not once have I heard you say why me??

I am so proud of you......you are someone I look up to.......you are the kind of person I want to be......you have taught us all.  That's pretty great....to be a teacher.

I want to thank you for your amazing attitude.  You have my prayers, my love and my belief that you will win this battle. 

Yes, I have seen the face of courage and Gina the face of courage is you!!!!

Fear Part Two........

Yes, this is another entry about fear.....part due to the responses I received from last weeks entry and  part due to some changes I am going to try to or will be making.

First the feedback......

I am never quite sure what entry might make an impact on those who read this blog.  Last week was one of those entries that was responded to by a lot of you.  Here is a sample of the responses...
you need to write more.......you should have included that you have trouble making decisions........you are saying what I feel.......you have the knack for writing.......I wanted to read more.......we are all here cheering for you as you try new things.......thanks for you honesty and you may think you fear things but how many people put their fears, feelings and emotions right out there for all to see and read.  I consider that brave......

To address these responses, here I go......

I have never thought of myself as brave.  But maybe my friend is right......it is not always easy to share personal things about myself especially since most of the things I write about exist in my head.

I so appreciate the friends who say they will cheer me on as I try new things.

The friend who said I should have included more about my indecision.....maybe you are right.  I do sit on the fence until I either am forced to make a decision, or decided to stall a decision or take the easy way out.  Just call me Humpty Dumpty......I only hope when I fall off the wall this friend will be among those who will help to put me together again.

The encouragement to write more.......as you all know I don't compliment myself easily.  But one of the things I am sure of is that I write well.  I have committed myself to one hour a week just to write and that does not include the time I devote to this blog.  I have a zillion ideas in my head and have written some down.  I think if I start to piece them together there might be a story out there.  I am also going to start to get in touch with a few magazines and see if I can break into being published that way too.

Now the things I am willing to try or changes I am making.....

In a few weeks I will be starting a new job at TD.  (once again I did need some guidance from friends to make the decision....see a pattern here??).  I am going to be managing a new team.  The easy way would have been to stay where I was since I know how to do my current job.  But after much thought (my usual 24 hours to process things), I decided to jump into the deep end of the pool feet first.  I think the change will be good. 

I am promising myself that while at my family reunion I will be myself.....not the person I think I am supposed to be.  I will try not to say NO to opportunities while in Missouri.  OK I WILL NOT be hanging my fat ass off the back of my cousins boat trying to wake board......I said, I would try things I didn't say I was taking total leave of my senses....The main thing I want to do is have fun, share and hug people that I care about that I don't get to see too often.

When I return from that trip, I once again am recommitting myself to my journey to lose weight.  Back to the gym on a regular basis, figuring out which plan to use for weight lose and trying the ones I think will work until I am successful.  AND I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL!!!

Time to write....a minimum of one hour a week.....whether it be an article or a book I am trying to put down on paper.

Yes, the fears are still there but I am trying to chase them away!!!! I hope the fears disappear with my weight loss and my self-confidence returns.

Thank you to all who continue to just read or comment and provide feedback.  In your own way, you each show me how much you care about me.

Someday, I hope to be the person I want to be ......weighing less, less fearful, more confident and less self-conscious.......that's a tall order but I think it is one I can accomplish......you will just have to keep reading to see how this all turns out......it is a story to which I have not written the next chapter but the outline is there........I just have to devote the time needed to make it happen.....

Here is the start of the next chapter.......as Donna continued on the road to the life she wanted to live she looked around and realized she need to make decisions and move forward.......

Let's hope I can end with and she lived happily ever after........

How Do I Make Fear Stop Ruling My Life........

I have let fear make so many decisions for me.....

Fear of falling.....
Fear of standing out.....
Fear of unknown places....
Fear of dying.....

This has led to me being so cautious where I walk. It has led me to not trying to walk to places I would like to see.  This has led me to limiting where I go.   This has led me to missing some great adventures.  This has lead me to missing out on life.

Fear of change.....
Fear of doing things alone......
Fear of flying.......
Fear of not completing my bucket list......

This has led me to staying in situations that need to change.  This had led me to missing out on what I assume would be some great adventures. This may lead me to maybe never traveling to the places I have dreamt of  :-(  .   If I let the fear take over how can I complete my bucket list.

I need to stop being afraid and start doing.  I have a bucket list and I need to start checking off tasks.  One problem is finding the time.  When you work the hours I do.... finding the time to smell the roses is limited.  Will the office close down if I leave work on time to hit the gym......probably not......but I am afraid of falling behind.......

Getting on a plane to travel places several times in the last 2 years has been a very big challenge for me.  I did it but not without a lot of angst, stress and fear.  UGH......

I want to write more.....once again the problem is.....finding the time. 

I want , I want, I want........but how do I fix this part of me.....how do I go from  planning everything and I mean everything to the nth degree????

How do I become impulsive when I am a control freak?????

What the hell in my life made me this way........is it only my weight???? Is that the killer of my self-confidence and the creator of my fears????

I really have to find some answers and do some soul searching........I need to change........I don't want to be the person always listening to others adventures, saying goodbye to others as they go off carefree.........I want to be the writer, the traveler, the adventurer........

I just have to figure out how to start........how to take that first baby step........how to look my fears in the face and say "you are not stopping me anymore!!!"

The only problem is I am too afraid to.........

I Had A Dad .....that's different from a Father......

We have all heard the saying "Anyone can be a Father  but it takes someone special to be a Dad".  I was lucky I had a Dad.

My Dad could silence a table with "the look".

 He only hit me 2 times in my life.....once when I was about 5 and went around the corner without permission (considering it was the Bronx and they had no idea where I was the spanking I got was justified) and the other time I was 16 and decided to invite about 40 of my closest friends to a party while my parents were out  and I was babysitting.  Dad came home to change his shirt (thanks Mom for washing clothes right after fiberglass  curtains) and found teenagers pouring out of doors and windows.  Yes, he hit me and I deserved it. He changed and went back to meet my mother.  He called about an hour later to apologize for losing his temper.  He was not a physical person so this went way against his grain.

He took us cross country in a station wagon.

He took me to a Father Daughter Dance. 

He loved his family, good food (sometimes the food took first position) and the holidays.

We had Christmas's that were not to be believed.....from the special Christmas Eve dinner he prepared himself to gifts that were over the top.  He loved to decorate the house for Christmas and made you believe in the "magic".

He had a bar built in our den and he loved sitting behind it serving drinks and holding court with who ever wanted to join him.  The conversation would move topic to topic usually the topic was determined by Dad.

He loved poetry.  I found some of the poems he used to recite to us and have them saved on my computer.

He loved Pavarotti and country music.

He could do a good Lindy or Savoy and my Mom was pretty good at following him.

He was patriotic and loved being a politician.

He had a great laugh when you could get him to laugh. 

He loved the Yankees and the NY Giants.

He loved Italy and Hawaii.

He could be tough and also compassionate,

He loved his Corvette (his dream car).

He loved Martini's.

He loved being a lawyer.

He loved being at home , reading a book and falling asleep in front of the fireplace.

He loved his children and his grandchildren.

He loved my Mom.

And yes I can say he loved me.

He left us at 51.  Hard to believe I have lived longer than he did.

His final lesson was teaching us how to face a tough enemy....Cancer.....and how to fight and how to die.

Happy Father's Day Dad......I  miss you every day........

Beaches.....(not the movie).....

I love the beach.   The sound of the waves, the smell of the ocean and the feeling of the sun soaking into my skin.  Yes, I use sun screen!!!!!

My first exposure to the beach was Orchard Beach in the Bronx.  Mom and Dad packing up us kids early on a Sunday morning along with towels, blankets, cooler and food for the day.  Playing in the water for hours.  Building sand castles. Your feet getting hot walking on the sand and Mom wrapping a towel around you to change before heading home.

As a teenager, it was the Jersey Shore.  Two glorious weeks each summer at the shore.  Mornings Dad would do some surf cast fishing.  Usually, Dad would be heading back to the house right around the time the rest of us were walking up to the beach.  Dad was not a fan of sitting in the sun.  Or maybe he was just smart, his timing meant he had all day by himself to sit by the bay and read in peace and quiet.  I was an admitted sun worshipper..... a bottle of Sun In (which turned my hair orange)in one hand and a bottle of baby oil and iodine in the other.....what was I thinking???

Later on I was lucky enough to spend time on beaches in California with my Mom's family, Bermuda with college friends for spring break, the Hawaiian islands (4 of them) and last summer Barbados.

I have watched the sun rise while traveling with some girlfriends to Virginia Beach and also at Ocean City Maryland when Jenn was small.

Most recently, I have friends who have opened their beach house to their friends.  What is better than watching the tide rise on the salt marshes? or seeing more stars in the night than you thought were possible? or sitting on a bench at the top of a walkway to the beach reading a book, listening to an IPOD and people watching.   How about going to the beach at high tide and walking down the stairs to the beach and putting your feet in the surprisingly warm water and then laughing as you try not to slip off the step into the water.

When I retire....which isn't that far off.....10 years or so.......I will find a way to move there.

I find my happiness at the beach..... I find my soul listening to the ocean....... I am at peace when I hear the sound of the waves and smell the ocean in the breeze..........

Pomp and Circumstance

Yesterday, I attended the graduation of a dear friend's son.  He was the last of the High School graduations I will be attending for a close group of friends in Columbia.  This group of friends have been through a lot together including attending each others children's rite of passage from HS to College.

While listening to Pomp and Circumstance, my mind traveled back to all the other occasions where I have heard that song played.I have to admit it......I hear the music and I get choked up.  Why?? I think it has to do with the all of memories and the hours that built up to this final moment.....this final procession.

I think back to May 1966, when I watched my father walk into his graduation from NYU.  He was 33 years old and had just finished 10 years of college and law school at night.  The hours of sacrifice by both my Mom and Dad to make that moment possible......it took a lot determination to get to that moment. 

My own HS graduation was held on a football field on a Sunday afternoon.  I remember thinking how will I get through a day without these friends and knowing most of them..... I would never see again.  The longest friendships I have maintained in my life are my HS friends.  I am lucky to have them still in my life.  I didn't go away to college so as a commuter I didn't have the chance to build  the friendships other make while living away from home.

My college graduation was a big occasion for me since my brother  and I graduated on the same day from the same college.  We had a running bet over who would graduate first....technically it was a tie.  I received a Bachelor of Arts and he a Bachelor of Science.  I had my diploma holder in my hand first but when we went to turn in out cap and gowns, he was given his diploma and I was given a bill from the library that I had to pay before they would give me my sheepskin.

With Jenn I went to a slew of graduations, day care, kindergarten, 4th grade, middle school, high school, college and her Masters Degree.  Each was a special day and seemed to go by in the blink of an eye.  The one constant besides Bob and I at each of these occasions was Mom.  She was there for each of her grandchildren's graduations right up until she left us.

I didn't expect the flood of emotions I felt watching my friends son, Michael walk down that aisle to the graduation song......happy times, the reward for a lot of hard work and something to celebrate.  Thank you Michael for giving me the opportunity to share in your big day.....it gave me a chance to think of all those graduations I have attended and reminded me of the special people I shared them with.......

Changing things up......

I finally wore make-up again for the first time in 4 weeks (since my fall).  It felt good to put it on and  I was very cautious around my scars and super careful around my eye which is still swollen and numb.  My one eye still doesn't open as much as the other and my new scar down the side of my face is my new focus instead of the birth mark on my forehead between my eyes I had been focusing on before "my trip".  People say I am healing well but you know how it is when it is your face and not someone elses.  I am also surprised I still have a big bruise on the bottom of my leg and there is a lump there too.  I have a dr. appt. next week so I can check it out with him and we can continue to discuss my droopy eye lid and vision issues.  I also have my semi annual blood work this week......ugh......I always stress over this until I see the numbers and they are always good but you know me I have to have something to worry about!!!

Also, I am finally sticking to one of my New Year's resolutions.........changing up my jewelry.  My friend Kathy gave me a very cool necklace and some bracelets she made.  I love them!! I decided to wear the necklace and a bracelet Monday.  Well that led to different necklaces, earrings and bracelets each day.  And guess what???? The world did not end because I didn't wear my gold cross.  I had become so superstitious about it since I had started wearing it when Mom was diagnosed with cancer and felt that if I stopped wearing it something bad would happen.. How silly is that?????

The work week has been stressful and there are just not enough hours in the day to get it all done.  I have tried to set 6:00 as the cutoff time each day but somehow 7:00 and I am just leaving.  Friday it was 8:00 and today I will have to spend a few hours trying to play catch by working from home.  I do have to leave on time Friday since I have a pedi scheduled and maybe just maybe try to get the eye brows waxed??? We will have to see.......

I am really going to try and get out by 6:00 each night except tomorrow which is my late night.  I so need to have some me time......

OK one last thing.......I know that there are a lot of reasons for short term memory loss.....menopause being one of them......my slam to the head might be another......Jenn told me the night I fell she had stopped on the way home from the emergency room for a pizza since we never had dinner.......I don't remember any of it........she told me about a friend going in the army in the morning and in the afternoon I asked when the friend was going in the army......at times we will joke about it and she will say "do I need to take you to the hospital?".....we laugh.......but yesterday she looked at me with concern....then it concerned me too......but I think it is the big M.....the hit on the head and the fact that my brain needs to go a million miles an hour all week at work and on the week-end checks out.......at work things are so fast paced that I have to write down loan numbers because I will switch from one loan to the next and then forget which loan number I had been in earlier......

Am I worried about my memory.......not really.......OK maybe a little......some of it could be the aging process too......I AM NOT GOING TO WORRY ABOUT THIS!!!!!!.......

I haven't said a lot about it lately......but yes I am still fighting the war on weight and exercising and finding healthy options to eat.  My lunch bag has cherry tomatoes, grapes, a banana and salad most days.....along with a few other things.  I still love the pool at the gym!!!!  And obsess about my weight and health all the time.  I do get and need  some encouragement a long the way.  It has been a long time since I have been happy about me.  BUT here is my new thought.....I know I am a work in progress so either love me as I am or leave me alone.  I am finally figuring out I matter and I am worth knowing!!!! Those who choose not to get to know me based on how I look.....their loss and they are missing something......well...... fabulous!!!!  Sounds like I am growing up......

So who am I and what is this I am writing????? OK that was a very very bad joke......



Here is me the day after the fall.......

 

and look at me 4 weeks later......

 

 

Talk about the miracle of medicine!!!!!

Mother's Day and a Family Visit........

Mother's Day......

Time to thank our Mom's for all they have done for us.  Time to remember the special days shared.  Time to enjoy with our children. 

My Mom was awesome.  Did I always think that......no.  I thought she had never felt anything I had, I thought she got smarter as I got older and I came to think of her as a trusted advisor.  In the end, I think we were also friends.  I didn't know she would leave such a void in my heart when she left us.

I love being a Mom!!! It is by far the best thing I have ever done in my life!!!

Me as a Mom.  I rock!!!! LOL  There are very few things about which I am so sure.......don't ask Jenn.....but in my opinion I knocked it out of the park.  When have you read one of my entries where I was so confident?  Almost never......

I loved the school concerts, the girl scout trips, having tea parties.......yes even the swim meets!!!!  I miss those days but something wonderful has happened........I now have an adult that I can talk to about a whole array of topics......from politics to cooking to life in general.

This week Jenn was awarded the Employee of the Year for her division at the University of South Carolina.  What was her first thought and mine??? Call Nannie......

Mom was there for the kindergarten graduation and to see Jenn receive her Masters Degree.  How great for Mom and how lucky for Jenn!!

As I hear Mom's wind chimes ringing gently in the breeze I am so grateful for each day I had her.  The last 16 months have been difficult without her.......but Jenn has helped to fill the gap with her sense of humor and sensitivity.

Thank you Mom and Jenn.....today is special because of both of you!!!!!

 

Me and Mom at my nephews wedding 2 years ago.

 

                                         Mom and Jenn at Jenn's college graduation.

The other special event this week was my brother George and his wife Marge stopped to see us for s few days.  It was great seeing them!!! Tuesday night we got to catch up with Cheryl and Mike too!!! Good times good times!!!!

I also tried to make Mom's Cole Slaw while they were here and guess what.....except for almost a tad too much mayo and not shredding the cabbage just a little smaller.... George said I nailed it!!! He said he knew it as soon as it hit his taste buds.  It only took numerous tries to get there but that made me very happy!!!!

There is something about shared experiences.....I can laugh with all of my siblings about things no one else would think is funny.  I guess most families have that kind of experience.  Whether is be a story about a dropped bowl of cream spinach, a pheasant motel or someone eating a fire starter because they thought it was a granola bar. 

George called me the lynch pin of the family......the one who for the most part keeps us all in touch now that Mom is gone.  I am glad to take on that roll.  George also said it is important to see those who matter to us.....he said " how many more times in my life am I going to see these people?' 

And he is right.......note to self.....spend more time with those I love..........laugh more and enjoy each minute like it is your last!!!

I am going to start doing that right now......... 

Me and my siblings.....Greg, Cheryl and George.

The Undies Are Too Big......LOL!!!

Sometimes it is easier to shop online.  I know my sizes and don't pick out anything crazy that I am sure will not fit.  I have ordered everything from nightshirts to bathing suits to t-shirts to work pants online.  Seldom do I have to return anything.

Until now......OK guys you might want to stop reading here......

I ordered 3 bra's online and yes some panties (why oh why do that word bother me???). I ordered my regular size.....

What a mistake.......

The bra's....were.......huge.  I put them on and looked like a jackass......

Now I am not small in the boob dept......(ok I am not small in any dept except self-esteem)......anyway....the cups could have been used a a baby swing or two connecting tents......

Next the panties (ok I really hate that word....ugh).....OMG they could have been used as a parachute.....when I took them out of the package I thought no way these will fit me they are enormous....

But I thought well maybe I am bigger than I think.  So I tried them on.......thank God no one saw me....even I burst out in laughter......they hung down to my knees.....that were so loose and covered me from under my boobs to my knees......I have never seen anything so ridiculous in my whole life.  I could have kept them to use as a tarp on our roof !!

Well, I didn't return them.......I gave them to Goodwill.....all brand new and never worn except the 10 seconds they were on my body.......

Well at least I can use them on my tax returns next year as a charitable donation.........and it was worth the laughter........

I Took A Trip But Not A Vacation........

I had a week's vacation.  Correct that statement, I had a week were I wouldn't be getting dressed and going into the office.  BIG DIFFERENCE!!  I had to start using some of my Paid Time Off.  Up until that week, I had only taken one day off so far this year.  I needed the break but couldn't let the work go. Each morning I would get up and get on the computer between 7 and 8.  I worked the majority of the day and one night even stayed online working until  8:30.  Not a vacation I would say.  But at least I could wear capri's or a t-shirt (bra optional). I didn't want to fall behind and have to play catch up when I returned to work.

I did find time to plant my herb garden, supervise the landscaping of the front of the house, cook a real meal and have coffee each morning.  But that was as far as the vacation went......

The week was pretty uneventful except my butt getting sore from sitting on a hard wooden chair for so many hours.  I even put a pillow on it to soften the seat but it really didn't work.  Maybe I should buy one of those seat cushions from"as seen on TV". 

I did have a haircut appt set for Thursday so I would be able to get out of the house to do something.

I left the house Thursday afternoon and picked up Jenn for our appointment.  No sense in taking 2 cars.  We got there on time and by 6:00 we were ready to head home. 

And that's when it happened........the trip part of the title of this entry.......

I was walking out of our hairdressers and my flip flop got caught in the welcome mat.  A pure accident!! Next thing I know I am falling down 3 cement stairs and my face is heading for the cement sidewalk.

Have you even seen an accident where you think to yourself......I wonder if the person killed in the accident knew even for a split second that they were going to die?  I can tell you for a split second as I fell I thought to myself.....OMG my face is going to hit the cement.  And boy did I hit it hard.....face first with all my weight behind it. 

THUD....my face on the ground.....my legs kind of behind me on the stairs.  Jenn yelled "Mom".  Then she yelled for Wayne who just moments ago had finished our hair.  I was able to get into a sitting position.  I boosted myself up one and then another stair.  I hear someone say should we call and ambulance?  I say no and told Jenn "let's just go home".  Jenn says there is no way I am going home.  I am holding a towel to my head and I can see blood on the sidewalk and all over my shirt.  I am still saying I want to go home.
First, I didn't realize how bad I was hurt.  Second, I was also extremely embarrassed (see the fat lady falling and look at what she has done to herself). 

Then I want my new glasses I was wearing......they are broken beyond repair.  I ask Jenn what is causing the bleeding on my face.  She tells me I have two bad cuts that she can see.  We decide to go to the doc in the box around the corner.  The Dr. there tells us I need to go to the emergency room.  Off to the hospital we go.  Jenn drops me at the ER entrance and goes to park the car.  I go to check in and the girl who needs to get my info opens a side window and says to someone "there is a lady bleeding badly out here",  Before I know it I am thought registration and back in the ER.  After they look at me and all my bruises, they send me for X-rays and a CAT scan.  The young man who took me over to those depts should try out for the Indy 500.  I have never moved at such a pace in a wheel chair ever!!!

We wait for the results of both the X-rays and the CAT scan.  Nothing broken.  They were concerned I had broken my eye socket.  Now it is time to be stitched up.  The nurse says she will get a diaper....I am thinking "What the hell did I hurt???"  The nurse says it is for around my head and shoulders so when they clean the wounds it won't go all over.....thank goodness!!!!I get a tetanus shot and then they start stitching.  The nurse says the scar on my cheek will just run into my crows feet around my eye .....wonderful.  The eye brown...well .....we will see how it looks when it is healed.  I did cancel my eyebrow wax until I see what I end up with.  4 plus hours later I am on my way home.  With ice packs, antibiotics and a face that looks like I went 15 rounds in a championship bout.

I sleep in recliner for the next 3 nights and Jenn slept on the couch.  She would get up during the night to refill my ice pack and give me Extra Strength Tylenol.  I worked at home for a few days since my right eye was pretty much closed.

I had the stitches taken out, got a new pair of eyeglasses, and am starting to heal.  There are still bruises showing up, hip and elbow still hurt....a lot..... the vision in my right eye is still not great (the Dr. said there is still swelling on my face and eye probably causing that), I have a part of my forehead that is numb (the Dr. said that could be temporary or permanent nerve damage)......all in all not too bad.    It could have been much worse.

There have been some funny moments.....at the ER Jenn called me Mom and Donna.....that led the nurse to ask what our relationship was ....was I Jenn's Mom, Step mom or something else. They told Jenn to watch for headaches, if I have memory issues and if I start to act weird.  Jenn asked "what's weird".  The nurse said "if I stripped in the middle of the living room."  Thanks goodness she doesn't know on occasion I have taken my clothes off in the laundry room to throw them in the washing machine and grabbed clean clothes out of the dryer to put on...LOL. This past week every time I say to Jenn "did I tell you that already?"  She laughs and says " Should I take you to the hospital??"

I was grateful she was there to help me out.  The only time I started to cry in the ER, Jenn said "please don't cry Mom or I will too."

This was by every definition an accident.....but when I do it I do it big!!!! 

As many of you know I have complained about so many parts of my body......hair too thin, having to have my nose hairs waxed, my droopy boobs, my fat ass, my huge thighs....and on and on.  I have said that my face was full but never really felt it was something I wanted to change other than it not being so full.  Now I worry about my face.....will the scars stand out??  My husband said "maybe you will need plastic surgery" .....at my age....NOT.....a few scars won't make a difference.  The one thing I hope is that my eyebrow looks normal after healing.......OK so now I can add  my eyebrow to the things to focus on!!!

Today, I am heading back to the gym.  I hope no one notices all the bruises when I get into the pool, I hope my hip won't hurt too much as I jog in the water, I hope no one stares at my face.....it is all about me you know.

OK the next time I have vacation......I am not going to work.......I am going to relax more........and I most definitely will not take a trip!!!!!!