My middle name should have been guilt. I carry it around with me by the ton. I feel guilty that I let myself get this way. I feel guilty that I am not losing fast enough. I feel guilty for ignoring what was happening to me for so many years.
I was thinking this morning while working out in the gym......when was the last time I felt good about the way I looked......ready for this.....it's been more than 25 years!!!!! How the hell do you let 25+ years slide by and ignore what you have done to yourself. Some of you did try talking to me about the course I was on and tried to help. Those were very painful conversations. There were those who just chose to be cruel and call me mean and nasty names. There were those of you who didn't know if you should say something or not.....or didn't want to hurt my feelings. Except for the mean and nasty comments......I know all the rest was done out of love for me. You loved me but I guess I didn't love myself or felt I wasn't worth caring about.....how screwed up is that??
I guess I have to be grateful for all my family and friends who have stuck with me while I had my head in the sand. But this ostrich has finally woken up and is really, really trying to fix me.
Some days are painful, some days are exhausting, some days are exhilarating....
I know the jury is still out and there are those who may say.....her progress is so slow, what is she doing wrong that she is losing so slowly and of course there are those who think....I have seen her try if before and give up so why would this time be any different?
This time is different.....painfully slow....yes....but I am determined........so watch me now as I chase away those guilty feelings....if the charge is being focused on me and maybe even being a little selfish......I am guilty as charged!!! Case dismissed.....
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