Where Would I Be If I Hadn't Started This Journey?

If I hadn't gotten fed up with my life as it was.....I might not have started this journey I am on. Everyone has that moment when they say enough is enough and mine came at the end of 2009 and the beginning of 2010. I realized that I was allowing me to put myself last and not taking care of me.

Now, there are people resentful of the focus I have placed on myself. Well, too bad!!!

If I hadn't gotten fed up I am sure my weight would have continued to shoot up, my numbers at the Dr.'s office would have led me down an ugly path and maybe one day very soon I wouldn't be here any more.

Fortunately, by getting fed up......I did myself a favor. Now, nothing interferes with my time at the gym, I really think about what I am eating and I accept compliments more gracefully knowing in my head I still have a long way to go.

I now have more energy because of working out at the gym.
I spend a great deal of time figuring out what foods work for me. I still have a lot to learn about foods and their effect on me but at least now I am thinking before I shove something in my mouth.
The writing thing has been such a joy to me. Sharing my blog had given me a much needed boost in my self-esteem.

Self-esteem and confidence......OK I still have a ways to go on those but this is all a work in progress.

Each day I feel more committed to me.....me, me, me......it's all about me......am I being selfish? Definitely......any objections??

What Are My Real Goals

OK this I can answer easily.......

I want to be healthy enough to live to an old age. I want to be able to walk through the streets of Rome and not struggle. I want to be comfortable with the way I look and my weight. I want to buy clothes off the rack in any store. I want to not run when a camera comes out for any kind of photo's.

I want, I want, I want........do I sound greedy? I think it is OK to be greedy when wanting the things I mentioned above. I know they are all about me but isn't that the point of this journey.

In the last week I have seen 2 old pictures of myself......one about 5-7 years ago and one almost 40 years ago. In the old photo, I see myself as a teenager laughing with some friends (even back then I stressed about my weight).....I was never as small as my other friends but I would give my right arm to be that weight again!!!! The more recent photo shows me at my worst and highest weight. When I look at that photo......I can see the improvements I have made. Although the process of losing has been extremely slow and some of you may not seem the improvements.....pictures don't lie and I can see where I have come from and will never go back to again.

I need to work on patience.....as they say you didn't gain it over night, you are not going to lose it over night. I wish I could see a year or two ahead and know the progress I will have made.......you will notice I said progress......I am very sure there is no going back to where I was one year even 5 years ago.......

Eyes looking forward......marching straight ahead into a healthier future......

One Year Into It And Where Am I ??

It has been a little over a year since I began this journey. So where am I now?

Down quite a lot from my all time high weight.
Working out anywhere from 3-5 times a week....most weeks at least 4 times.
I have gone 3+ miles on the ellyptcal.
I learned that the Bosu ball will not explode if I sit on it.
I am climbing stairs more than I have in ages......ok I still need to work on this since I still hit the elevator at work most days.
I no longer drive around and around looking for the closest parking spot at the stores.
I am no longer concerned or not as concerned about what people think of me at the gym.
Learning water is my friend and I need to drink more and more of it.
I love to sweat while working out.....never thought I would say that!!!!
I have learned about and tried new foods....Quinoa, Buffalo Jerky, goat cheese among others.
The store Earth Fare has become a regular stop.
I now use my steamer on a regular basis to steam veggies for lunch.
I am more open about sharing my feelings as evidenced by this blog.
I don't worry about dying all the time.

Oh, the last one ........hard writing that down.

But if I have seen all these changes in a little over a year......who knows where I will go from here? Can't wait to see.....kind of exciting waiting to see what is around the next bend in the road......

Feeling Guilty Sucks

My middle name should have been guilt. I carry it around with me by the ton. I feel guilty that I let myself get this way. I feel guilty that I am not losing fast enough. I feel guilty for ignoring what was happening to me for so many years.

I was thinking this morning while working out in the gym......when was the last time I felt good about the way I looked......ready for this.....it's been more than 25 years!!!!! How the hell do you let 25+ years slide by and ignore what you have done to yourself. Some of you did try talking to me about the course I was on and tried to help. Those were very painful conversations. There were those who just chose to be cruel and call me mean and nasty names. There were those of you who didn't know if you should say something or not.....or didn't want to hurt my feelings. Except for the mean and nasty comments......I know all the rest was done out of love for me. You loved me but I guess I didn't love myself or felt I wasn't worth caring about.....how screwed up is that??

I guess I have to be grateful for all my family and friends who have stuck with me while I had my head in the sand. But this ostrich has finally woken up and is really, really trying to fix me.

Some days are painful, some days are exhausting, some days are exhilarating....

I know the jury is still out and there are those who may say.....her progress is so slow, what is she doing wrong that she is losing so slowly and of course there are those who think....I have seen her try if before and give up so why would this time be any different?

This time is different.....painfully slow....yes....but I am determined........so watch me now as I chase away those guilty feelings....if the charge is being focused on me and maybe even being a little selfish......I am guilty as charged!!! Case dismissed.....

I Wish I Could Lose Weight From What I Pass Up

This entry will confirm for any of you that had any doubt......I suck at math.

If I eat the wrong things the scale goes up. Basic math....1 + 1 = 2

If I eat the right things the scale goes down. Again, basic math...........2 - 1 = 1

This is where my math skills go out the window.....

I look at something good someone is eating.....I gain weight.

I smell something good cooking.....I gain weight.

I go past something I shouldn't eat at the buffet line.....I gain weight.

Are you getting this????? Why don't I get to lose weight when I pass something up that I would LOVE to have? Doesn't it seem fair that by making the right choices and not having a Krispy Kreme Donut or passing on the homemade cake brought into the office....I should get some kind of reward other than the moral victory I may have won.

No wonder I had to spend one long summer at summer school for Algebra....the X + Y does not equal what I want it to....

I aced Geometry.....I guess that makes sense......it has to do with shapes.......

So If You Can't Eat The White Stuff.....What Can You Eat?

I am still struggling with this one......white stuff is bad........too much sodium, fat,carbs, sugar.....all bad!!

I wander the aisles of the supermarket looking for the answers. Here are my 3 biggest problems.....
1. What can I eat when I crave something sweet that is not white, high in carbs and doesn't have a lot of fat?
2. What can I eat when I crave something salty that is not high in carbs, sodium or fat?
3. What can I eat when I crave both together?

Although, I love celery.....you can't use that as a answer to the crunchy question. Don't tell me fruit for the sweet answer. And the salty and sweet together.....I can't think of anything to cover that one that wouldn't have either white stuff, fat,carbs or be loaded with sugar. Not so easy to answer my 3 questions is it???

And that is what I face on a daily basis.......questions with no answers..... I wish my life was like Jeopardy.....where I have all the answers and have to guess the questions. "Alex, the answer is....".....I had more answers and less questions........

When I Start To Feel Good I Let Things Slip

Whenever I have some success at the scale I tend to slack off.....

I do not write down every bite I put in my mouth. I may close one eye while sizing up a portion of food. I give in a little more easily to something sweet at night. Then I get a reality check......I get on the bathroom scale and weigh myself......4 times......once in each direction....north, south, east and west......of course none of the numbers match. But the numbers do reflect that I have not been as rigid in my days.

I can either beat myself up......which we all know I have been known to do......or regroup and get back on track. I am not sure why I can't get in control of this and stay there. I am such a control freak in so many other parts of my life......

YES I SAID IT....I know I am a control freak. There is not an impulsive bone in my body. Oh, I wish there was......I have to plan everything to the max. If a friend showed up at my door today and said "We are going to Italy!! You don't have to pay or pack....we will buy our clothes when we get there!!" I would freak.....I would think of the million things I need to get done, I would worry myself sick about what I might not get to do before I leave and the thought of going somewhere and not planning the whole trip in advance.....I would probably pass on the trip.

The most impulsive thing I have done lately is.........hhhhhhmmmmm......the was the time I......nope......how about when I ........no to that too....... I envy people who can make decisions on a dime...... So why is it I can let things like writing down what I eat slip?? As controlling as I am.....this should be a no
brainer.......just because I occasionally start to feel good about myself should not mean I have the opportunity to slide backwards......

Maybe a few years of analysis would give me the answer.......

I Am Not Normal

It is a rainy Sunday morning and we are having thunderstorms too......

Most people are taking this time to read the Sunday paper, catch up on a little extra sleep or on their way to church. What am I doing? Thinking about food. I am trying to plan what I am going to eat this week. Normal people do not have to think about food a week at a time or even a day at a time.

When they get hungry they eat. Sounds so simple...... I can't remember the last time I went through a whole day without planning my meals. Yes, it is part of my life and probably always will be. If I don't plan ahead, I make make some wrong impulsive choices. Yesterday, I went to Publix. I wanted to get some extra veggies so I can make a salad each day for lunch this week. I am going to try putting the salad together each night instead of waiting until the morning and having to rush. This week I have only one outside eating event. I am going to lunch with some co-workers on Friday. I already know what I am going to order for lunch.....how pathetic is that??? Some of you might think......that's good Donna, you are planning ahead.

I am thinking why oh why does it have to be this way. Why can't I just move from day to day and make decisions as they come????

It is the old famous battle of good vs. evil.........it is me not wanting people to think I am a failure......it is not wanting people to see me eating something that they think I shouldn't have and saying to themselves......oh no, she has fallen off the wagon. I told you I am not normal........who worries this much about what others think........ME!!!!

OK so on Monday I will start out by having Oatmeal........

Alternatives To The Gym

There are definitely ways to work out without hitting the gym.......

Last week I bought a new lawn mower. It was a discontinued model for $129. It was NOT self-propelled. It was a push model.

Yesterday, I mowed the lawn. Jenn and I took turns, by the time we were done, I was sweating. The good news is I didn't have to wear the mask I have worn before when I have mowed the lawn. The weather was great and it felt good to be outside. Last year, I wouldn't have been able to finish the yards without huffing and puffing. Even though I haven't felt too good this week I was able to handle this chore. It might not have been too wise to spending time outside doing this kind of work with all the "green/yellow" stuff in the air.

No one ever said I cornered the market in common sense......LOL

Anyway, I decided to pass on going to the gym since I had sweated out in the yard.

I plan on mowing the lawn the rest of the year......it's a good workout, burns calories and saves me from getting frustrated when "you know who" doesn't feel like mowing the lawn or doesn't care if the lawn looks shabby.

Just call me control freak.....LOl.....that's OK......I am getting healthy and that is all that matters!!!!

Mother Knows Best

OK this is going to be another of those entries where you are going to think......OMG what is she thinking by posting this....

Have you ever seen something in a place where it didn't belong.....something out of place and wondered how did that get there??

In the locker room at the gym, I have seen some strange things laying on the floor or a bench. The inside of a padded bra, a hair extension, one sock.....

It is also important to remember something our mothers told all of us......"make sure you always wear clean underwear because if you are in an accident the first thing they do when you get to the hospital is check your underwear for cleanliness".....

On Monday, I was off from work and went to the gym in the morning. Since I had to run errands before I got to the gym instead of putting on my bathing suit at home, I changed in the changing room at the gym. I put my stuff in my locker and went off to the pool for a workout. When I went back to the locker room when I was done, Jenn was standing there with an amused look on her face. She pointed to the bench and said "Are those your underwear?" The color drained out of my face as I realized they were mine. Where had I left them???? In the changing booth, on the floor, on the bench......how embarrassing!!! I grabbed them as quickly as I could, grabbed my other clothes and changed as quickly as possible. Fortunately, they were new, black and silky....thank goodness I had recently treated myself to some new undies.....

I got out of the locker room as quickly as I could. Jenn grinning all the way.

OK Mom....you did know what you were talking about when you warned us about wearing clean underwear.........and the next time I see something in the locker room that doesn't belong there.....I am not going to make eye contact with anyone......but at least now I can understand how some very strange things have ended up on the floor or bench.

Thank goodness the only person I knew in the locker room was Jenn.....they may have been new, black and silky but let's face it size 4 they were not!!!!! UUGGHH......how many ways can I find to embarrass myself......

I Made It Through A Workout Even Though I Felt LIke......

The official sign of Spring in South Carolina is the arrival of the "green/yellow stuff" on your car. When it rains, it runs off your car and down the driveway.

I hate the "green stuff" !!! This week it hit me like a ton of bricks......uugghh!! My head felt like it was going to explode. My nose was running constantly. My eyes were tearing. And over all I felt lousy!!!

It didn't want to miss my time with Carol at the gym. I texted her and told her I didn't feel well enough to do the elliptical but still wanted to have my training session.

We met and got started. I did weights, the stepper, squats and lifts. I sweated earlier and more profusely than I usually do but that was due to feeling like crap. I made it through our whole workout and drank 24 ounces of water in the process. I was so pleased with myself for fighting through the lousy feelings and getting it done!!

The old Donna....would have texted Carol and bailed on the training session. The new and improved Donna.....sucked it up and felt accomplished at the end.

I an getting to like the new Donna.....

St Patrick’s Day Quote

St. Patrick's Day is an enchanted time — a day to begin transforming winter's dreams into summer's magic. “ -Adrienne Cooke

I love this quote....

I could substitute the words....focusing on me has become an enchanted time- beginning to transform my dreams into reality....sometimes feels like magic.....and sometimes feels like.....nope not going there today.....

I am very slowly transforming into the person "I" want to be. I wish I could wake up and look the way I want to and weight what I want to but then I would have missed the journey. What would I have learned??? With each day....even each hour, each minute, each second.....I learn something new about myself. You would think by my age I would know all I need to about me but in all actuality.....I feel like I am getting to know myself for the first time.

The daily struggles, the mental battles to not let others hurt me.......and finally getting to the point where if I decided to end this journey tomorrow it would be OK .......as long as I made the decision and no one else.

I am no where near done and sometimes find it hard to see the day in the distance where I will finally say "Donna, you are where you need to be."

There are those of you who know me well enough to know I have down times......where I struggle to move even one step ahead.......but at least this time even though I have hit some pretty bumpy spots.....I have continued on.

It hasn't been magic, all smoke and mirrors but it has been a like the spring .....a fresh start......

We all have things we would like to change about ourselves......mine just happen to by of a physical nature (OK, OK I know some of you are thinking ....of a mental nature too)....it is hard when mine are so obvious....you notice them as soon as I walk in the room......that can be more difficult that the changes you might have to make inside......

Well Spring is here and the time has changed (OK the time change is still screwing me up in the morning)......time to begin again.....time to bloom.....

Who Says You Can't Get A Good Workout In The Pool

I always feel like if I do not sweat I am not getting a good workout. Well let me tell you.... an hour of an intense water aerobics class can kick your butt. On Tuesday, I got in the pool early. I thought I would just do half of the water aerobics class since by the time it started...I would have been in the pool for 30 minutes already. Well, I ended up staying in the pool from 5:30-7:00. The workout was constant.....no rest. We ran in the pool along the sides, swam across and then did jumping jacks across to the side so we could run again. We had to do push ups on the side of the pool, run across the pool, do 10 jumps like we were shooting basketballs, swim back across the pool and do more push-ups. We had to do several sets of each of these. We also had to do some cross country skiing and mountain climbing in the pool.....suspended. Meaning....we couldn't let our feet touch the floor. We also hung on the sides of the pool and kicked on our back and stomach.

Whew......by the time the class was over.....you knew you had really, really worked out!!!! I may not be dripped in sweat but my body knows I have worked hard and it is mostly cardio, cardio, cardio.......just what the trainer ordered!!!

I love being in the pool......the intensity is amazing. I drag myself out after class.....change and go home to crash. Remember when you were little and you spent a day outdoors.....the fresh air would knock you out? That is how I feel when I get out of the pool.

I am so glad I have the opportunity to get these kind of workouts in.......I am so glad I joined the gym......I am so glad that I can keep up with the class......today I am so glad.....

A Pedicure, Salsa and the Magic Bullet

Saturday was pedicure day. I love pedicure day!! This months color is "The Show Must Go On".....it is a pretty glittery pink. I love the warm towels that are wrapped around my legs and feet. I needed some pampering after last week which to put it mildly.....was lousy. It was so nice to spend a few hours just about me. Eyebrows waxed......nice shiny toes. OK at least the top and bottom of me looked good!!!!

Then it was off to a Pampered Chef party. The Pampered Chef lady was making fresh salsa. I love salsa but have never seen it made. I was very curious. The reason she was making it was to demonstrate the new manual food processor. I was thinking about getting until I realized the Magic Bullet I got at Christmas could do the same job.

OK, I need to write about the Magic Bullet........

In December, Jenn and I were in Bed, Bath and Beyond doing some Christmas shopping. I told Jenn I wanted to buy a Magic Bullet. Her expression became one of amusement and confusion. She said "You want to buy what??" I said "A Magic Bullet". I went wandering the aisles of B B & B saying out loud "I wonder where the Magic Bullets are?" I said "Gigi loves her Magic Bullet." By this time Jenn is laughing loudly and texting her college friends and sorority sisters. I finally locate the box and show it to Jenn. She is almost in tears from laughing. I make my purchase and we leave the store. I ask her what on earth is so funny.........

OMG......I wish I hadn't asked.......

Turns out the name Magic Bullet is shared with an item that can be purchased at a Pure Romance Party........

How the hell would I know that.......I have never been to a Pure Romance party.......

But at least I understood why my daughter was laughing so hard......how do you keep a straight face when your mother is wandering the aisles of a store announcing she is looking for a vibrator!!!!

New Machines At The Gym

When I finally got to the gym Thursday after that crappy day at work, I was too late to meet with Carol. Jenn and I decided to work on some machines and weights in the ladies gym. I did squats and weights. Some of the machines I have used before but there are some that are harder for me to use since my knees would have to bend back more than I can do comfortably. Well, I finally was able to use one of them....it wasn't pretty but with Jenn's assistance I was able to do the leg lifts.

I needed to feel successful at something on Thursday...... at least I had a small victory by using that machine.

There is another machine that I may try.......but for that one I have to lay face down liked an upside down V and bend my legs back. I am sure I will look oh so attractive laying on the machine with my butt as the high point on the machine. Oh well, I don't have to look pretty as long as the machine helps. We shall see how soon I am brave enough to give it a shot.

Next goal is to be able to use the leg lift machine without Jenn's assistance.

Stay tuned.....I will let you kn0w when I accomplish that feat........

I Just Should Have Skipped Wednesday and Thursday

I didn't sleep well Tuesday night. Tossed and turned.

Wednesday, I was very tired and cranky when I arrived at work. Even Mary decided it was best to steer clear of me. Poor Mary she has to sit right outside my workspace!! I got another call from my health insurance company that there was no answer yet about the appeal regarding their decision to not pay for Bob's treatments. Some things happened at work that upset me and I ended up missing my Italian class. Basically, the day sucked!!!

Thursday, I got a call that my wonderful health insurance company had turned down the 2nd appeal to pay for Bob's treatments. I told them I would be contacting an attorney and they said that an attorney wouldn't do anything until I had appealed the decision myself. I called Bob's Dr's Billing Dept and they said I could pay them in installments. At 25$ a month......it will take at least 30 years. They will continue his treatments as needed and the bill will grow and I will continue to make payments. The balance will just grow and grow!!!!!

Now, I have to write an appeal.....want to guess what my chances are of getting a reversal of their decision.......slim to none.

I called an attorney. She needs a copy of my health insurance info from my company, Bob's medical records, the correspondence I have gotten from my health insurance co. and the letter Bob's Dr. wrote to the health insurnace company.

Oh and did I mention that according to my wonderful health insurance company....any of the money I pay the Dr. toward Bob's treatments WILL NOT count toward our deductable or out of pocket!!!!

So what are the options.....pay off the Dr. over the next 100 years.......have Bob stop his treatments and hope that he doesn't have a recurrance......let them remove his bladder (I am sure my insurance company will cover that).....or if he has a recurrance not get any treatments??

UNITED HEALTHCARE.......what a wonderful company. I told them I would go to the newspapers and local TV stations about their decision. Here is the best part.....they are picking and choosing which patients they pay for their treatments. The Dr's office said they have paid for this treatment for other patients in their office. So they pick and choose who they pay for???? They also wouldn't tell me who reviewed the appeal. The Dr's office said it was an oncologist and the Dr's office requested it be reviewed by a Urologist since they would understand the treatment. United Healthcare is not complying with that request.

I told United Healthcare that next fall when it is benefits enrollment time, I will tell everyone I work with not to choose United Healthcare!!!!!

The only good thing was all of this bull$%#& did not throw me into an eating frenzy and I still made it to the gym......

United Healthcare may hold peoples lives in their hands and may not have a conscience.... they may screw with my wallet but not with my goals.......

I Have To Live In The Real World

The hardest part of the food choices is that I don't live in a bubble. Life gets in the way. I have to make choices in situations that leave me with few options.

Friday, I went to a lunch with some co-workers......a reward for a very productive month. We went to Carolina Wings. As you can tell from the name of the place making good choices would be difficult. I was hoping there might be a petite steak on the menu and I could have that with a baked potato but no such luck. Quite a few in the group went for the salad and wing bar. I knew that wouldn't work for me. I have very little self control at a salad bar. Picking the right things, in the right quantity and knowing when to stop ladling the salad dressing on are issues I still struggle with. Add to that the wings that you can eat as much as you want......no, no, no. I opted for the chicken wrap. I was my best option and had a limit to it......

I can't always make the perfect choice so I have to make the best choice for the situation. The real world means there are times when I will have an occasional splurge. I may share a dessert with a friend. I may have a drink at a social event. I may have a little larger portion of something I don't get to eat very often. My life is filled with so many no's or my choosing not to have something but on some occasions yes is part of life. I am not the type of person to say "I will never eat an Almond Joy again" (although when you think about the contents.....chocolate, almonds and coconut.....). As I have said before it is not like when I quit smoking....I did it cold turkey over 20 years ago and never looked back. BUT I didn't need cigarettes to survive......I can't say I will never eat again.

All I can do is take it one day at a time.......sometimes one meal at a time......sometimes one minute at a time.....

Unless you have fought the battle of the bulge......you cannot comprehend how hard it is!!

I am no saint......never said I was perfect......I struggle all the time with choices......but I have to believe that each day I work toward making better choices.

I just wish the box of Girl Scout cookies in the pantry would stop calling my name. You might say why do you have Girl Scout cookies in the house? Well, part of the real world is that not everyone has to pass up or is willing to pass up goodies to make my life easier. And that is reality too......

Sometimes the real world sucks.......

Where Is My Safe Haven???

When I was a teenager, we had a dog named Ruby. She was a good dog and didn't cause too much trouble except her occasional escape from the house which led to trips around the neighborhood to get her back to the house. Ruby had a spot in our dining room that was behind one of the extra dining room chairs. There was some extra carpeting there and it was near a heating vent. This was her safe harbor. Even if she had done something bad, once she was back in that corner....she was safe. No punishment or stern scolding was allowed when Ruby was in her corner.

My Dad felt everyone especially kids needed a safe haven. He didn't believe in trapping someone. If one of his kids screwed up, he always gave them an out......an opportunity to get out of a difficult situation and save face. He was the one who created Ruby's safe spot in the house.

As an adult I am finding it hard to find my safe haven. After a hard day, most people look forward to going home. Home is their safe haven. This is not always the case for me. At times, other peoples issues have made it so going home is not the solution to a difficult day. But where do you go if home is not the solution? You cannot continually go to a friends house and hang out. You can only spend so many hours at the bookstores. Staying at the office is not the solution. So what to do?

Sometimes, I will go in my 3rd bedroom referred to as Donna's Place and close the door enjoying the solitude........and that can work for a while. Maybe I am dreaming or trying to live in a Norman Rockwell world but I want a time when I can come home and not be greeted by additional stress.

Stress does not help my journey and can result in slow weight loss and my hair falling out (OK maybe I am being a little extreme.......can you tell I am a little self-conscious about my hair??) .....alright it is not falling out but it sure is thinner than it used to be......go figure the one thing I don't want to be thinner..... is.......

OK.....this entry was huge for me.....I revealed a lot more than I planned to......

There are some very valid reasons why I can't or won't make any changes to provide me with additional peace.....I have a conscience and that makes some options not possible......

It helps just having put this down in words......it might help some of you understand why I may not always be whistling "Zipidee Do Dah" ( not sure if that is the correct spelling but you get the jist of it)......

No one has a perfect life.......but by focusing on me I am improving my life......my search for a safe haven may continue for a long time......maybe forever......

Sometimes I wish I was Ruby.....laying in her corner knowing no one could hurt her while she was there......

A New Game Plan- Changing Course

Work out wise this was a great week. I made it to the gym 5..... yes count 'em 5 times. I worked out in the pool 4 times and had my usual date with Carol. Before Carol and I met I did 15 minutes on the elliptical. It felt good !! My heart rate never went over 138 which is where Carol wants it to be. We did some step work and some weights.

We also spent a lot of time talking about what I am eating. The slowness of my weight loss is starting to get to me. I am finding it very difficult to go from week to week and continue on this roller coaster.

Physically, I know I am in a better place then last year. I feel good, my recent blood work showed all the right signs but my body is fighting to hold on to the fat!!!!

Carol and I talked about what food I should eliminate or at least cut down. First is sugar....gotta really watch this and cut down on it. We went over fat free foods again.....when they take out the fat they have to put something else in.....guess what it is..... sugar in a lot of cases. She wants me to cut out the white stuff..... Carol felt a good starting point is the "Eat This Not That" books. I have one already and picked up another. I don't know if I can stick to the strict regimen she is suggesting but I have to give some of it a try.

Shaking things up will take some adjusting on my part......those of you who know me well know I need time to process changes.....I have to think it through and figure out how to make the changes and how to include or eliminate certain foods.

Eating when I am hungry, not eating all the points I am allowed, counting calories.....

A couple of things Carol said really stuck with me.....
1. Just because Weight Watchers allows you the points to eat something doesn't necessarily mean you should eat it....ex. pasta in cream sauce.
2. Weighing myself daily or even weekly might not be right for me.....too many variables such as water retention, hormones., etc....Maybe I need to weight every 2 weeks or once a month so I am not obsessing about each Saturday
3. It is not good that I let what happens on Saturday morning at the scale determine my mood for the week.

So it seems I am once again on an adventure to try and find the right balance for me......the answer is out there somewhere.........the problem is I have so many questions.......

I feel as if some kind of combination of what Weight Watchers says and the changes that Carol is suggesting is a step in the right direction.

So my journey is taking a new turn in the road....once again I am the bottom of a hill......I cannot see what is on the other side.....but I am hoping once I reach the top I have come up with a food/exercise plan that is working well for me......this can be so exhausting.......but I will figure it out......trust me I will......