It is even HOT in the pool at the gym

I really try not to whine about the heat.....too much. This summer the heat has seemed endless!!! To be thrilled with a day less than 90 degrees is sad....

I went to the gym this morning.....I was sweating before I left the house. I got in the pool and guess what.....I sweated. I did my workout and changed quickly to get in my car so I could put on the a/c. When you have this many days of continuous heat it does start to play into your moods. I went to Publix and walked out sweating. I couldn't wait to get back to my house where the central air AND ceiling fans are running. I can only guess what I will owe SCEG by the time the fall rolls around.

I am a cold weather girl. I thought I had gotten used to these long hot summers but this one seems more intense.....

So I am staying indoors for the rest of the day. I am going to cook turkey sausage and peppers so I have it ready for dinner one night this week. Although I have already planned the menu's for the week (yes I said plan the menu's for the week.....I not only plan them but I write them on a dry erase board on the fridge so everyone knows what we are having for dinner each night.....I know this is a little over the top but it works for me).

I am so ready for sweater weather.....at the rate we are going that could be 6 months away.....until then......I guess I will sweat......how attractive is that??????

EveryWomansBlog

I saw an article about a contest Lexington Medical Center was running. They were looking for 8 women to write a monthly blog. The monthly topic could have to do with anything at all. I entered the contest on the hopes that this might be the opportunity I have been looking for to write for a larger audience.

I was poking around and saw that a little blurb was put out about some of the potential bloggers. There are some really good writers out there. I also saw they had included a picture of me and my entry......that in itself felt good. On FB, I asked my family and friends to support me in this endeavor. I hope the powers that be will deem my writing skills and previous blog entries worthy of making it to the top 8. If I don't make it.......it just means there is some other path out there that I need to find.....and I will when the time is right.

I am keeping my fingers crossed......now I just have to wait and see what happens......stay tuned......

I Hate Saying Good-By....

Yesterday was a hard day. I had packed up my workspace......OK I had way too much "stuff". I spent the day winding things up. Making sure I had covered all my bases and didn't leave anything important undone. I hate good-by's. I had my last team huddle, finished delivering my mid-year reviews, had a team lunch and my last 1:1 with my boss. There was a steady stream of visitors stopping by and by the end of the day.....I was drained. I worked until 4:30. And then I walked out the door.....

I won't say I didn't cry because I did......I hate it but I am a crier.

Some people may disagree with my decision to leave......and some have said it right to my face. I don't need to explain my decision to everyone. I told the people that I felt needed to know why I was going. Now, I can spend the week-end as Jenn likes to call it "unemployed".....I call it "between engagements". Monday, I will have a new set of feelings....nervous, excited and ready for a new adventure.

I have to remember to post how things are going in a few months. By then I will kind of know the ropes.

I will miss the day to day interaction with my old work friends but I know in my heart it is the right time, right choice and right place I am heading to......

Today, I went through all my work "stuff". It has been divided into 3 groups.....real work stuff, I might bring this to work stuff and I am not sure this will ever leave the house again stuff......

Monday, I will remember to get off at a different exit on the highway.....I hope.....and I can't wait to see what is down that road.....

Mom Never Told Me About This....

This is going to be another one of those entries where you are going to say....OMG I can't believe she wrote this.......

When I went to my gyno she noticed that I had.....oh how do I say it.....raw skin under the girls....from sweating especially when I work out. She told me it was.....ready for this...."jock itch of the boobs".....dear God what else can happen to me.....I asked her what I could do to rectify this situation....you may have already figured it out.......the same cream you buy at the pharmacy for that male problem......

Do you know how embarrassing it is to shop for jock itch cream knowing it is for me???? The good part is the stuff works......no raw skin, no itching, and no pain.

I just don't now how much more I can take of this crazy stuff that is happening to me...... is this one of those topics no one talks about??? I have never had a lunch or dinners with girlfriends and had this topic come up......so OK I am putting it out there....who else wants to admit they have had this happen to them.......I am sure I am not the only one.....my Dr. spoke about it as if it was a pretty common experience......she was right .....wasn't she.....

So Do You Think Anyone Noticed But Me???

Everyone who reads this blog knows my obsession with hair.....not enough on the top of my head.....too much on my face. So while I lay on my bed with my head hanging off I massage my scalp encouraging the follicles to be productive. Then I spend good money to have someone apply hot wax and rip the hair from my face.

This week was face wax week.....don't want to start the new job feeling any more self conscious than I have to.....so I had it done. I get home and go right to the mirror to admire my reflection when I notice she missed a spot. Now most people might not have noticed.....but to me......I felt as if I had this huge patch of hair....could I have braided it .....no....but I felt like everyone would notice. So I spent the day pretending that I always hold me left hand to my cheek. Do I think anyone noticed? Who knows.....no one is going to walk up to you and say"what's the deal with your hand being stuck to your face?"

This morning I went to have this eye sore fixed. The employee who was going to fix it said to me "everyone has a little peach fuzz on their face." I wanted to say on one cheek???? To me it is more than peach fuzz but then again she looked like she was very young.....the M word isn't even part of her vocabulary.......and by the time it is.....I will be long gone.....but at least I will go minus the "peach fuzz".....

I Got One Of My Wishes......At Last!!!!!

Guess what I did today????????????? This is big......for me!!!!!

I went to Kohl's and was able to shop off the rack.......YES, I said it.....I shopped off the rack!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't remember the last time I didn't have to shop in a specialty store. I am not saying I won't still shop in the specialty stores for some clothes but you don't know how wonderful it felt to walk into the store find tops that I could wear, go in the fitting room, try them on and like most of them. This is a banner day for me and something that gave me an extra boost!!! OK now I wasn't shopping in Petites...LOL.....we are talking reality not fantasy land but the Women's Dept. had things I could wear....YAHOO!!!!!

The funny part was I didn't really think about it until I walked out of the store. I went in thinking to myself....let me check out the Women's Dept and started to find things I liked......and when I tried them on and they fit that was even better.....then when I liked the way they looked......I felt like I had hit the jackpot!!!!

As I said, I was walking to the car when it hit me. I told Jenn what I realized I had been able to do and she gave me a high five!!!!

To those who have never struggled with finding clothes that will fit.... you will never understand how exhilarating this was for me.......

Today, I went into a fitting room and liked the reflection......oh I know I have so much further to go......but for a little while I was not the fat girl........I was just a normal person shopping for a few tops for my new job. And it only gets better from here!!!!

OK Here Is My Decision....

Last week, I posted that I had to make a big decision. I went back and forth, weighed the pro's and con's, waffled between change and staying in place....it was a struggle. I finally made my decision.

To some this might not be a monumental decision but for me......it was.

I am leaving the place that has been my home away from home for 11 of the 13 years I have lived in Columbia. I worked at Wachovia for 7 years and left for the wrong reasons. I went to 2 others jobs during the next 2 years and ended up back at Wachovia now Wells Fargo for another 4 years. It has been more than a job, it has provided me with some wonderful friends. With my work family, I have experienced weddings, births, graduations, illness and yes, even death. I spent almost more of my waking hours with my coworkers than I did with my family. There are bonds I have formed with my work friends that will not end with my departure.

So one more week and off I go......time for a new adventure. I am fortunate that I already know some of the people at my new job......that does make the change easier. I feel like a kid the night before the first day in a new school. I have already started asking questions.....can I wear my Croc's, do they have casual dress Friday, how many people will be on my team.......this is only the tip of the iceberg.....more questions will follow and in time I will know the answers.

My grandmother used to say she always looked forward to being in a new job about 3 months......she said by then you know where the office supplies are stored, where the bathroom is, you have gotten to know your coworkers and have a better idea of what is expected from you.

I am ready to start, my pencils are sharpened, my book bag is packed and my lunchbox is ready......now can someone tell me where my classroom is????

110 Degrees and Still at the Gym

Thursday it was incredibly HOT!!!! It was one of those days when you walk out of work into a wall of heat. I was sweating in the car until the a/c somewhat kicked in. When the heat index is 110 the car feels like 120 and the air doesn't feel cold.....it just feels cooler than outside. I even kept my windows open for a few minutes to get the heat out of the car.


I think I have mentioned in previous entries that heat makes me cranky.....I will say it again.....HEAT MAKES ME CRANKY!!!!!!

So by the time I walked into the gym I was thinking.....are you nuts??? It is hot and now you are going to get hotter. When I met with Carol she asked how I was doing I said "cranky". That didn't seem to affect her at all.....LOL. We had a good workout and I could feel the sweat running down my back. I know I had to look really bad......I kept using my t shirt to wipe my face. There was mascara on my shirt which meant it was no longer around my eyes, my hair was plastered to my head in some spots, my ankles were swollen and my knees were weak. But I got my workout in!!!!

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas........thank goodness winter is only 5 months away!!!!

I Decided Not To Eat Pretzels At 9:00 AM

I get to work and have my breakfast. I either have oatmeal with Brummel and Brown or 2 extreme fitness flatbreads (1 point each on Weight Watchers) and a container of Weight Watchers cream cheese (2 points). This is around 8:30. So why oh why would I reach for pretzels at 9 A.M.???? The answer......mindless eating. No doubt about it!!! So the other morning when I realized what I was doing.....I drank some water and grabbed a piece of gum. The crazy part is that I do it without thinking. It is like driving home from work.....sometimes I pull in the driveway and can't remember the trip home. Have you ever had that happen.....you pay attention to the trip but it is so automatic that you don't really go through a thought process.

I have to work harder to focus on what I put in my mouth. I have to really think before I bite. This will take some effort and concentration. It also helps if I keep myself busy and have a large container of good old water near by.

As we all know old habits are hard to break but not impossible......just another thing to work on....as if I didn't have enough to think about already.....

Einstein Says.....

"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning." — Albert Einstein

I think this pretty much sums up my life....

What have I learned from my past????
I have learned not to neglect myself. I have learned that I can put me first and the whole world doesn't fall apart. Because I neglected me I am where I am today. Poor food choices, poor self-esteem, no regular exercise equals the me of the past.

Live for today.....
I am doing that now. By putting myself first, making better choices and not focusing on where I have been but looking toward where I am going. Life is better for me now.....better than it has been in ages. I spend time working out, eating better, writing, napping (not at work) and planning for the future.

Hope for tomorrow.....
I have a zillion hopes and dreams. Each day I add more to my list. While a little dark cloud still follows me around......it is not the huge storm cloud that used to hang around all the time.

Don't stop asking questions.....
Well Mr. Einstein.....I ask questions all the time.....what should I eat, what new activity should I attempt, what should I write about this week, what can I do to make the losing go faster than a snails pace, how can I come to accept myself as I am....Well Albert it might not be as important or intelligent as E=MCsquared (I couldn't figure out how to make the little 2 for squared....LOL) but to me these are thought provoking

Maybe I would do better writing about Simon Says vs. Einstein Says......

My Personal Dresser Comes Through For Me

A while back I was "kind" of joking about making this blog into a book and going on a book tour. I had friends volunteer to handle different tasks such a scheduling, being the front person, etc....

Diana, offered to my personal dresser. We have had a zillion conversations about the kind of clothes I would like to wear and my struggles to find the right look. I was lucky enough to have Kathy take what I envisioned and make it into the now famous "Oprah" top.

Anyway, on Friday I get a message from Diana, she wants to show me a top she thought I would like. She was going to buy it for me but she wasn't sure of the size and knows how self conscious I am about giving out any numbers in regard to me. Like any good personal shopper, she stopped to see me and had taken a picture of the top on her phone. Guess what........that lady knows my taste. As soon as I saw the picture I said "Oh yeah.....I love it". She then very gently mentioned the sizes they had it in and fortunately, they have it in my size (which is down from what I used to wear). After work on Friday, she went to pick it up for me!!!! I can't wait to put it on......I am so excited.

That's what I mean about friends......they think about you and know you sometimes better than you do yourself. I feel like I have my own.....Rachel Zoe!!!

How lucky can I get!!!! Thanks Diana.....your hired....I know you will be a blast on the book tour and always have me looking fabulous. Maybe I should schedule a lunch between Diana, my personal dresser and Kathy, my personal couturier......I am sure I would end up with an amazing wardrobe.........why didn't I think of that before?????

Italian Class

Besides the focus on healthy eating and getting healthier by working out at the gym, I also take Italian class once a week. I have always wanted to learn a foreign language. With a maiden name like Raboni and a married name like Pizzolongo it only seemed natural to want to learn Italian. I didn't have the finances to take a class. The suddenly I received an e-mail that a member of the Sons of Italy was willing to give Italian lessons.......FREE!!!!

Well, it has been 6 months and I am very slowly picking up the language. I have a harder time when someone speaks to me in Italian than trying to memorize the nouns, etc. When we do the speaking part, I try to find a word or 2 I recognize and build on that to see if I am getting it right.

The class is not only about speaking the language but also about the culture. Many times someone in the class will ask "How is this done in Italy?"

The added benefit is the friends I have made in class. You all know I operate in my comfort zone so going to class that first night not knowing anyone but Jenn was scary for me. I am so glad I went......I have made 7 new friends and have had a new family embrace me. Marika, our teacher, is very patient and knows I suffer from "test anxiety". Jenn is great at drilling me on nouns and such. There are times we get off track and end up talking about wills, customs, the Army.....LOL......we can head off in a zillion directions.

I am glad that I didn't let my fear of stepping put of my comfort zone stop me from going to that first class. So as I continue to work on my health, weight and physical activity.......I am also engaging my brain trying to learn a new language.

It is amazing how much all of these changes have added to my life........I never thought it could be so much fun......I am enjoying even minute of it.....how great is that!!!!!!

Feedback on Sharing My Blog

I have had notices on facebook about my blog for 2 weeks. The feedback has been wonderful!!!! I have heard from cousins I haven't seen in years, from elementary school friends that I was in class with 45 years ago, new friends from my Italian class told me how much they enjoy my blog. So, I guess it was the right thing to do....

People have commented on my honesty and baring all my thoughts (well almost almost.....there are still a few things I am not ready to discuss even in this forum). I am giving you alot more info then I even expected too.....it is like peeling the layers of me and trying to figure out how much I can comfortably let go.

During the week, I start thinking about blog entries.....maybe something very funny happened or something serious or sad or something that got my mind going. I store them up (sometimes sending myself e-mails with titles). On Sunday, I sit at my computer and the words seem to pour out. Sometimes I laugh while I write, sometimes I cry......I can be very emotional.......are you surprised knowing me???? LOL I cry when I laugh, I cry when I am angry, I cry when I am sad......I am very self-conscious about it especially when I am angry.....maybe it is because I am so passionate about things like family, friends, life, love and laughter. That is what I try to share with you each week.

From the feedback I have gotten in the last few weeks......it sounds like I have been successful.... :-)

Tough Decisions....

Sometimes life throws things at you that force you to be a grown-up and make big decisions. This was one of those weeks......

While I cannot go into specifics yet by next week I will share it with all of you. When I have to make a big decision......I let it consume me. It is all I think about. I stay awake at night trying to decide the right choice. It is like playing chess and trying to anticipate how this move will affect that move and on and on. I haven't even shared this week's struggle with Bob because that would only add to my indecision.....uuggghh. There is nothing worse when you are struggling for someone to keep saying "What have you decided?" or "have you thought about this"......

Listen is is hard enough to sit up on the fence without anyone trying to knock you off or causing you to loose balance......as we all know balance is not one of my strong suits so I sure don't need anyone adding to my confusion......I would hate to end up like Humpty Dumpty.....there are times I felt I looked like Humpty....now not so much anymore.....maybe now very Rubenesque.....LOL

The point is......I have thought about this from every angle.......I have done all of my "what ifs" and I am comfortable with my choice.....

So here are the rules.....no second guessing me......no "are you sure's are allowed".....no "well how about".....I can do that all by myself thank you!!!

Iphone Apps....

My daughter talked me into an IPhone......

I am not very good at technical things. After a week, I am still not sure of what I am doing. I have not figured out how to hear with the phone to my ear....how hard should that be?? So until I get that figured out, I have been using my speaker phone. That leads to another problem......I keep trying to put the phone to my ear and have been accidentally hitting the mute button. I had at least 5 conversations this week and had people saying " Donna, Donna I cannot hear you" and there I am yelling into my phone "hello, hello". It took several days of this nonsense to figure out what I was doing wrong. Duh.....

Then I decided to explore apps I can load onto the phone. One is called Calorie Counter. It is a free app. Once it was loaded I decided to see how it worked. What is the first question it asked.......my weight. UGH.....even the phone wants to know my business......so what did I do.......I lied to my phone. Yes, I did say I lied to my phone. Want to know why???? I am afraid I will lose my phone and I don't want the total stranger who finds my phone to know what I weigh. How pathetic is that? I also have a hard time putting in the real number....right now.

Eventually, I will be able to put a number that I am comfortable with but until then.....I am in total denial.....

It Is OK To Take A Nap

I used to feel guilty about taking a nap. I felt I was supposed to stay busy ALL THE TIME!!!! Well not anymore!!! The one thing I do not like is if I nap too long because I wake up foggy and groggy. Lately, I have been napping on Saturday and Sunday. I still feel a little guilty but feel like it is reward for a hard week. The only strange thing is sometimes I end up napping just a few hours after I wake up. For example on Sunday I went to a friends house to let their dogs out. I stayed there for an hour and started to fall asleep. Then I went to the gym and worked out and guess what I did when I got home.....another nap. I did manage to stay awake the rest of the day....LOL.

Did She Say Cardio????

I met with Carol on Thursday. I never quite know what to expect. It is probably good I didn't know ahead of time what she had in mind or I might have driven right past the gym!!!

I was already hot when I got to the gym from rushing out of the office late and trying to make it to the gym on time. Well, it was cardio day!!! I don't mean just a little cardio.....this was major CARDIO. At least for me it was.....

We worked on the stepper.....remember when I could only do it up one level??? No more.....now all my work is at a 2nd level.......I know, I know I need to be moving up a level but some days I feel like I am climbing Mt. Rushmore (you can climb that can't you?). Anyway, Carol mixed in lifting weights from the floor, side ways jumping jacks, curls, squats, lifting weights from my shoulders up and then back to the stepper......over and over again. Each time I would sit down and grab my water I knew I wouldn't be down for long. She would let me get a drink of water and then give me the "get up and get moving look". At one point my daughter asked me if I was OK......she said I looked like I was going to cry. I don't know why but I did felt like I might cry. I drank almost 32 ounces of water during our time together. Carol would never ask me to do something I can't do but she does push me as far she thinks I can go.

It wasn't bad enough that I was drenched in sweat but then I had to go out into the 90 degree heat. I cranked up the air in the car and headed home. I am not sure if I was happier about what I was able to do at the gym or because it was over.......probably a little of both.........

What Else Am I Going To Write???

A friend asked me what else I plan to write besides this blog. I will definitely not stop writing this on a weekly basis but what else can I do. I know I do not have the great American novel inside me. Essays, short stories, articles and columns......all real possibilities. I am writing my 1st short story.......I will see how it goes. Could I write a weekly lifestyles column a la Erma Bombeck....oh yeah!! I have written to some local newspapers with no response. I have approached a few magazines with no luck. I have even sent sent some essays to the staff of Chicken Soup For The Soul staff.....nothing from them either.

Usually I am not so sure of myself but this I am sure of......I write well. When passages from the letter I wrote about my Dad ended up in the book "Wisdom Of Our Fathers" by Tim Russert (you can google it), it was the confirmation I needed. I always thought I had the potential to be a good writer. Although I wish I had done something with it earlier in my life.......it's not too late. The editor of the Russert book and I communicated back and forth before the book was published.....he wrote that not only did he like my letter but also that I wrote well.....that right he said I wrote well!!!!

I wish I had stuck with the journalism major in college (OK I did switch majors a number of times). I wish I had become a speech writer......I think I would have been good at that.....

I will continue to write and send out to different venues samples of my words....I truly believe someone somewhere will either print something I have written or will give me a writing opportunity.....

I am not usually so confident but this time......I know what I know.....now how to make it a reality.....any suggestions???

To Put My Blog Link On Facebook Or Not???

I have been going back and forth over whether or not to put my blog link on facebook....

I have a group of about 25-30 people who read my blog on a regular basis......or at least I hope they do. So were do I go next??? I can put it on facebook and see how it goes.....that might be a good option.

My brother feels at some point I can make it into a book......anyone know a publisher who might take a look at it?????

I did tell my brother that this blog would be no way near ready to publish until I reach my goal. What is my goal you might ask......well here is what I know......it is not a number.....surprise, surprise, surprise!!! I had always said I would be happy when I weighed X or lost X pounds......but guess what I have learned......it is not about the number. It is about me and how I feel. Yes, the weight is part of it but I do not have to weight X pounds in order to feel OK with myself. This journey of self-discovery has made me take a hard look at myself. Health is the biggest focus, happiness within myself is also at the forefront, how I look is not as important. I look at pictures of myself from my nephews wedding and guess what.....I like how I looked that day........that had more to do with the outfit, make-up and hair......not the weight.

So even thought my journey is long from over.....I have 55 years of me to fix.....not something that can be accomplished in 18 months.....each day I feel closer to my destination.

Keep your ear to the ground.....let me know if you know anyone in the publishing area who might take a look at this blog and even see if it has potential. I have figured out that even if no one else ever read a word of this.......that would be OK....I am proud of what I have accomplished and the words I have put down here. It has been therapeutic and helped me to grow not in girth but in spirit.

So here I go.....facebook here I come.....I will let you know how it goes......stay tuned......

I Threw Away The French Fries

Yes, I did it. I actually threw away French Fries......

Last week we had a team lunch. I ordered Grilled Chicken. It came with Cole Slaw and French Fries. The Cole Slaw was in a cup the size of a shot glass....so I knew I wouldn't gain 10 pounds from that. The grilled chicken was great. By the time I got to the French Fries.........they were cold. I ate one dipping it in ketchup. I picked up a second one and looked at it. Why on earth would I eat cold fries??? They do not taste good and there is no redeeming quality in cold fries. I think it was just habit that made me even think about eating them. I could have gone to the microwave and heated them up. But I decided.....NO.....it wasn't worth it.

I think I have been so conditioned to eat whatever is in front of me that I don't spend the time to think.....do I really want this.....is it going to taste as good as I think it will......will just a small amount or taste satisfy me vs. eating the whole thing......

So why would I even consider eating a cold French Fry.....it was like getting hit in the head.....WOW..... I do not have to eat something just because it is in front of me.....RED ALERT RED ALERT......Donna has figured something new out....WOO HOO......she can choose what she wants to eat and it is OK to throw out what she doesn't want.......

New rule......I don't have to eat anything I don't want too and it is OK to pitch it out.....I would save left overs in the fridge....just in case I might want them later.....this weekend I threw out things I would normally save.....

This may seems like no big deal to most people.....but for me this is huge.....just another step along my path to a healthier, longer life.....so watch out cold fries and left overs.......your days are numbered

OK.....So this quote is from a Lifetime Movie....

"Surf wisdom says you have to swim out of you comfort zone to catch the wave that is going to change your life."

Yes, I said this came from a Lifetime Movie......so kill me.....

You never know where the right words may come from. This was from a movie called "Flirting With Forty". I know, I know not from a profound source.....like Churchill, Gandhi or Einstein......LOL.

I have almost always played it safe. I am not the person who goes way out in the waves. I tend to stay close to shore. Impulsive.....never.....although I wish I could be.

When we went on a trip to Disneyland, I researched and bought a book. I studied all the angles. Then when I got there I had a plan. Enter the park to the left since everyone usually goes to the right. I knew the monorail schedule. I made sure the kids got all the Disney character autographs they could. Could I have just shown up at the park with no game plan??? Not me!!!!

But since Jan 2010, I have been swimming out of my comfort zone. Going to the gym was such a major step for me. Continuing to go is easy for me......I have money invested and if you know me well......I do not waste money!!!

Working on new eating habits.....hard to change but I can truly see progress. I think more about what I put in my mouth, how much I put in my mouth and why I want to put it in my mouth.

Phrases like sugar free, organic, steamed and whole grain have become part of my vocabulary. Foods like Quinoa, brown rice, couscous and veggies, veggies veggies are as much a part of my world as the things I have eaten all of my life.

This blog has forced me to stretch. Not the writing process, I think that has always been a part of me. The act of sharing so much of my life, thoughts, failures and dreams......OK that is not just swimming out of my comfort zone.....that is heading right into the waves and hoping to catch a good one on the way back.

I believe all the steps I am taking will change my life.....for the positive.....so here I go.....no longer waiting for the perfect wave or staying close to the shore.......just grabbing any wave I can and hoping to make it safely to shore........SURFS UP!!!!!!!

Fall Down Seven Times Stand Up Eight

Life continues to throw me curves......

As I have said several times before, I have an extreme fear of falling. This fear is about physically falling. I guess we can all fall mentally and psychologically too.....

I am working on the physical fear of falling by the things I am doing at the gym. I am working on my core through balance and other exercises.

Now about the psychological fears.....

I am damaged goods. Years of beating myself up and allowing others to beat me up has taken a toll on me. I don't know if I will ever totally heal but I can feel better. I fight this battle daily. The scars are very deep and some are not visible to those who know me. Only in those rare dark moments do I sometimes reach out to others or open up so they can see my pain. It is embarrassing and painful to expose myself so others can see what I deal with.....

But I do believe I am getting stronger both physically and mentally. The physical part I owe to my daughter , my trainer and the friends that support my efforts and continue to encourage me. The mental part is different......I have let very few see my true pain.....it makes me feel like a failure and I am really the only one who can fix that part. The people I have chosen to let inside are great at listening, do not criticize and offer support without being critical.

The important part is I continue to stand up. The easier route would be to just stay down and not struggle to stand but that is not who I am. So I don't care how many more times I get knocked down......I will still get back up physically and mentally......cause that I who I am.....