The "C" Word

When Jenn was little we had a rule.....she was never allowed to say she hated someone or something. She could say she didn't like something but the word hate was a no-no. Except for one thing......cancer......she was allowed to hate that word and all it meant. As a child she didn't understand why she could hate cancer but not green beans. She didn't even really understand what cancer was.....

I told her I could not hate anything either except cancer and I have kept pretty true to that way of thinking.

Cancer has impacted too many people I care about......I have lost family and friends to this disease.....I have also watched with admiration family and friends wage a war that they have won......I have known victims.....I have known survivors....

I hate cancer, I hate cancer, I hate cancer.......

Back On the Scale

I woke up this morning and decided it was time to get the scale again. I hadn't been on the scale in maybe 8 weeks. I was feeling good and thought with my new eating pattern( eating when I am hungry and not feeling like I have to eat what everyone else eats) and the lack of free time at work to munch.....I am definitely eating less.

I weighed myself 5 times......LOL.....some things never change. I was down on the scale ....in all directions. I am 2 pounds away from another goal and that excites me. If I can be down 12-13 pounds by Christmas (that is a pretty ambitious goal), I would be at a great place to end the year. I will have to step it up at the gym but I feel focused.

Did you notice that I said I wanted to be down by year end? I usually want to get through the holidays by not gaining. This year I am trying to focus on going down. I am realistic enough to know that on Thanksgiving(which is my birthday) and Christmas Eve and Christmas Day all bets are off....I will not deprive myself of treats on those days. I am also going to focus on not eating my way from Halloween to Super Bowl Sunday. Occassionaly treats are fine....well here I go.......2 days until Halloween.....I love this time of year.....and I hate it too.....

Isn't Turnabout Fair Play????

When I was a kid and someone was mean to me.....my first reaction was to be mean back. My Mom of course would advise me against that. The Bible says to turn the other cheek and some idiot came up with the phrase " to take the high road". Why??

If someone continues to hurt you intentionally.....why should you have to put up with that crap????? I was not put on this earth to be someones personal punching bag. So how do I deal with it......fighting back and being mean doesn't make for a peaceful situation. Can I get through to the people causing this pain and get them to change.....probably not. I am not perfect and I can hit below the belt and have gotten good at the verbal jabs......but I do not like being that person. So I try silence......but I can only be silent so long when someone continues to hurt me.

I have to figure it out.....remember I am the person who is not used to putting herself first....and all I want is peace.....

Create insanely different experiences

How do I do this??? I am not exactly the most adventurous person I know. Can insanely different experiences for me be traveling by myself to somewhere I have never been....for me oh yeah. Can it be me baring my soul in this blog....oh yeah. Changing jobs......big oh yeah.

I guess any time I step out of my comfort zone it would be an insanely different experience since I am so controlling and do not have an impulsive bone in my body. As I grow in confidence who knows what craziness I might try next. Spend a holiday someplace other than my own house......what travel on a holiday??? Not plan the meals for the week.....what would I write on the menu board.....leave it blank??? Buy myself something and not feel the need to justify it to anyone.....can't imagine it???

I will keep you posted as to what insanely different experiences I might try......or maybe I won't let you know unless I actually try them or succeed at them......and my idea of insanely wild could be way different from your......I mean which of you would think insanely different is going to the gym in the morning instead of after work......for me that would be huge......so don't look for entries about parasailing or skydiving or dancing on tables.....at least not from entries by me......but if any of you want to try any of those options.....let me know....I will be there to watch......

Put A Dent In The Universe-- Steve Jobs

I think each of us puts a dent in the universe in one way or another. Somewhere I once heard you cannot change a grain of sand without changing the course of history. My grain of sand has been the lifestyle changes I have been making......it is changing my history.

I went to the Dr. this week......it was a good visit. All the numbers were where they should be and I felt good when I left.

I got back to the gym this week and spent 45 minutes jogging in the pool. When I went in to get changed one of the ladies in the locker room said to me "I was watching you and you were rocking it in the pool." That made me feel good!!!

I almost decided not to go to the gym......I got stuck later than I wanted to at work so by the time I got home got into my bathing suit and headed to the gym it was heading toward 7:00......I am usually heading home by then.....I was getting in the pool as the water aerobics class was getting out. It turned out OK I just started jogging and next thing I knew it was 7:45. I got home after 8:00 but at least I got my workout in and that's all that matters.

So with the path I am on I may put a dent in the universe.....it just won't be quite as big.....

Tablecloths and Plates

When I was in high school, I had a friend whose mother decorated a table in the from foyer of their house for the various seasons and holidays. I always thought that was very cool. My family did some decorating for Halloween and a lot for Christmas and always hung out our flag for the patriotic holidays. But there was something about the monthly changes at my friends house I loved.

I now have a different tablecloth, plates for the plate rack and a teddy bear with a sweater that gets changed for each month. I also have a small Christmas tree in my front window that gets changed each month. In addition, I have several flags for outside the house and a few extra seasonal plates. Add to this the Department 56 buildings that go in front of the fireplace. I know this is over the top.....and I haven't even mentioned the napkins and napkin rings......LOL.

The scary part is it seems like I have just put out the October decorations and the November things need to come out. Remember when you were young and it seems to take 10 years to get from one Christmas to the next? Now it's goes by in the blink of an eye......

Well, Monday it is time to put away the pumpkins etc and it's time for the leaves and turkey's......before I know it Santa and company will be all over the house.

I may have taken my friends mother's decorating idea to a different level or maybe just over the top but it makes me happy..........

Back In The Kitchen

With the summer now past and the weather getting cooler.....it is time to get back in the kitchen. No longer is it too hot to cook. I love the idea of getting the vegetable steamer out and having a variety of them to munch on. I love the fall and it turns my head to the wonderful smell of soup cooking in the kitchen. I have plenty of healthy soup options. I love salads but sometimes a warm bowl of soup can be so soothing.

This is also the most dangerous time of year....eating wise. I recently read an article that said from Halloween to Super Bowl Sunday, we eat so much more than the rest of the year. I have to be careful not to get sucked in as visions of Pumpkin Pie, Sweet Potato Souffle, Stuffing, Christmas Cookies and all the rest go dancing in my head.

I have learned a lot in the last year or two about healthy options and once again I will summon all my strength to get through the next few months and not watch the scale go up.

I will stick to my gym schedule, I am so busy at work that I am lucky to remember to eat lunch, I will remember to get up and walk around more at the office vs. stting at my desk for hours on end, I will make sure to have plenty of options for me food wise and I will make it to Super Bowl Sunday without that number on the scale moving up.......wouldn't it be fabulous if it moved down during this time of year!!! Well, that is what I will be working toward.....

I am not saying I will be perfect and I cannot promise that a piece of pumpkin pie will not pass my lips........but I will be more aware of what I am eating.

I will keep my goals of healthier eating, weight loss and getting in better shape physically in the front of my mind. But I sure do wish it was the Monday after Super Bowl Sunday and I had this all behind me..... and less of a behind......LOL!!!

Dr. Seuss and the Octopus

No, this is not the name of a new Dr. Seuss book that you have never heard of....

Victoria.....

I was very happy to see pictures of my great niece, Victoria, with her grandparents on facebook. Victoria was in her Halloween costume for a party at her day care center. She is the spitting image on my nephew Michael. Victoria was an octopus and a pink octopus to boot. She was smiling and looked to be enjoying herself in each photo. It reminded me of a Halloween over 25 years ago when Mikey was dressed as Snoopy for Halloween. Putting it mildly.......he was not very happy in his costume. Victoria on the other hand seemed to be having a grand time......8 arms and all!!!

Elouise.......

What do you get the girl who has everything? This was my problem when it came to my new great niece Elouise Elizabeth. There is a rumor she could change hourly for the next 2 years and never run out of clothes. I wanted to send something but struggled with what.....

Then it hit me.....when we were kids a cousin sent us a book of children's literature. One of the stories in the book was "And To Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street". My Dad loved that story and could recite it from memory. When my brother George's sons were born he painted the whole story on their bedroom walls. So off to Miss Elouise went a piece of family history.....I wasn't even sure Nick would remember the story or his bedroom walls with it painted there. I put a note with the book giving a gentle reminder of the stories history in our family.

I was very happy when Grandma Patty sent me a message on facebook that the book had arrived. Patty also gave Nick and Sally the family background on the book. I am happy to report that Grandma Patty said Miss Elouise has officially heard the story for the first time......I am sure it will not be the last.....

A Pedicure and Ironing

By the time I left work on Saturday I was so ready to do something for me. I had to do some juggling but was able to get an appointment for a pedi at 3:30 on Saturday. I left the office at 3:00 and was right on time. Brandi was just great.....she really pampered me as we talked about our families, tattoo's (her's not mine) and the new colors of polish coming out. Even when she was done she said "Just sit there and relax." Which I did.......I could feel the stress and craziness of the week slowly slip away......thanks Brandi....you were just what the Dr. ordered!!!!!

As I was driving home Jenn called me.....not only had she done the food shopping but she had also done the ironing.....God I love that girl!!!!!

A Family Visit

I was expecting my brother and his wife (George and Marge) on Wednesday. I took the day off and was going to finish cleaing the house before their arrival. So imagine my surpise when my Mom called me at work and told me George and Marge were sitting under the underpass at I26 and I77.....trying to avoid the rain. Oh did I mention this was on TUESDAY......yes Tuesday!!!!!!

Thank goodness they couldn't see the look on my face as I yelled into the phone"What do you mean they are in Columbia?????". I called Jenn and told her to get right home after work. The Wednesday dinner I had planned was moved to Tuesday. We had tortolini and meatball soup and ceasar salad. When I got home from work......slightly frazzled.

On Wednesday, they got the full southern eating experience......Krispy Kreme doughnuts (I didn't have any since one would no where be close to filling me up and I didn't want to have one and then want more).......later in the day I dropped them at the State Fair so they could check out the food and exhibits. I told George it was ok to wear a t-shirt, shorts, and his boots.....hey it's the SC State Fair not an White House state dinner. They enjoyed themselves with corn dogs, funnel cakes and George even tried fried butter!!! I don't think he will try it again but I give him credit for trying it. He said you could feel a heart attack happening as you ate the little deep fried balls of butter. We ended the day by having dinner at Rockaways....great burgers and once again some fried foods. Jenn had made one of George's favorite cookies......chocolate chips. Can you see the theme running through this paragraph......LOL.

Too soon it was Thursday morning and they were leaving to head back to NY. It was a short but fun visit. I left them the house key and told them when they were ready to leave just stop by Chic-Fil-A and give the key to Bob......since there aren't a lot of Chic-Fil-A's near them in NY it just made sense to have them grab a chicken biscuit on the way out of town........

Gotta Get on Schedule

I have gotten back in control of my eating......for the most part. I have tried to avoid the land mines including banning Jenn from making brownies. The brownies scream my name and the only way to quiet them is to have one. No more brownies in the house!!!! Then of course there is the dreaded Halloween candy. I am not allowing my favorites into the house.......almond joys and snickers. Tootsie rolls are OK because the calorie count is not bad and they are easy to control. Even though I am not a huge fan of reeses peanut butter cups and malt balls.......they are in a glass pumpkin on the table......each time someone opens the jar I can hear my name being faintly called by the candies but so far I have stuck my fingers in my ears and hummed loudly to not hear them too much.

My work schedule has made getting to the gym somewhat difficult but this week I need to make this my focus. If necessary I will take my laptop home and finish whatever I don't get to before I leave the office. The gym is important to me for many reasons: I feel better when I am on a regular schedule at the gym, I burn more calories and I love the way I feel when I am done and those endorphins kick in.

So this week......no matter what.....I will be at the gym back on my regular schedule....unlesss......nope.....no unless.....this is too important to me!!!!!

Over 300 Hundred Posts.....

It seems like it took forever to get my first 100 posts done.....now I just passed my 300th entry....WOW!!!

What have I learned as I have been writing.......other than the obvious......that I feel more confident about my ability to write.....

I may not have gone through the physical transformation that I had hoped for but I am NOT giving up.......the new improved Donna is still coming your way......just at a snails pace....

I feel better physically than I did when I started......thanks to ....Carol......Gold's Gym.....and Jenn who kicked my butt through the door of the gym on the days when I didn't feel like going.....

Psychologically.......I am a work in progress........my confidence is up......some.....

I don't think I would consider myself broken when I started this process.....maybe vey badly bruised......but the healing process continues.......one day at a time.....one hour at a time....sometimes one second at a time.....

To heal......I need to continue to learn to love myself........I need to learn to reach out more......I need to be honest.....and I need to laugh more.....

A tall order.......but one I think I can fill......all in good time.......I feel like I am heading in the right direction.....just the road has more turns and bumps than I anticipated at the start......

Do I Need An Adventure?

You would think the last 2 months has provided me with more adventure than I would need in a year. But I am feeling the need for another kind of adventure but I am not sure what I want. Is it a trip? Is it visiting relatives or friends? Is it breaking out and doing something different. I see others around me doing things and I envy them. The problem is I don't know what it is I want to do.....

I have to figure it out. I think my new job has given me satisfaction career wise so that is a place I can leave alone. I am writing my blog regularly so check that off. The fall is my favorite time of year and I am happy the weather is finally cooling off. So what is it that I am lacking that makes me feel empty at times....

There are not "things" that I desire (well except an IPAD") OK and maybe a convertible......LOL.....but inside I feel like I need something......maybe more time with friends.....more laughter.....the hard part is by the end of the week I am so tired all I want to do is sit in my recliner and read (after the gym of course)....I can't wait for things to happen.....maybe I need to make them happen.....OK a new challenge.....what can I do to shake tings up....

Stay tuned.....as I try to sort this out......do others feel like this.....I can't believe it is just me bored with the monotony of every day life.....or is it???

Back In The Pool

I promised myself I would get back into the gym on a regular schedule again. I made the point of getting to the Water Aerobics classes on Tuesday and Thursday. The hard part was this meant I must leave the office by 5:10....no ifs ands or buts....that is hard for me......I keep saying to myself ....I will just do one more thing. I finally just have to get up and leave. I get to the gym and am kind of frazzled. But after I am in the pool a few minutes....I start to relax. It is so therapeutic. I have to remember that I matter......it is easy to get lost in the shuffle. That was my mistake before....I put myself behind so many things......I have to say to myself.....Donna the office will not fall apart if you leave to go to the gym.

By the time I get home......a lot of the stresses of the day are gone.....the gym works it magic on me.....it feels wonderful!!!!

I Need Some Sleep

The craziness of the last few weeks has made for some restlessness nights....

During the day I am trying to focus on so much......making sure I am absorbing all I can that my brain doesn't want to shut off at bedtime....

One of the things I have read is to be successful at weight loss you need to get enough sleep. But how can I do that if my brain isn't willing to go to sleep. I can usually fall asleep in the recliner for an hour or so between 9 and 11 at night. Then when I go to bed for real and I am awake. I know I should try to stay awake until I go to bed for the night or go to bed earlier but if I do that next thing I know I will be going to bed a soon as I walk through the door. Isn't it bad enough I put on my pj's as soon as I get home......what's next the 4:00 dinner special for Sr. Citizen's???

I do live on the edge and sometimes take a Tylenol PM.....but I don't want to get used to doing that every night....

And how much sleep do I need to lose weight.....do people lose weight when they sleep more because that is less time they can eat??? I am sure it is something more scientific than that.....

I think as I get used to my new job and start to know what I know.....I will be able to sleep better or knowing me.....I will just find somethig else to worry about....LOL.....I am a mess....

I Am Clumsy...

I tend to blame my size for the coordination I lack. Maybe that is not the case......maybe I am just clumsy. When I was walking onto a plane I would try to wheel my laptop bag down the aisle. Those aisles are not wide. My bag would get caught and bang along the aisle. It took me 4 flights to figure out if I carried it by it's handles down the aisle I moved quicker and didn't have any problems. The banging and getting the bag caught made me look uncoordinated. Something as simple as picking up the bag made me stand out less from the other travelers.....which is what I want.

Even walking can be an issue.....instead of dragging my feet.....I now pick them up when I walk......guess what....I trip less!!

I do have to think about the things I do....probably more than most people do but if I appear less clumsy then it is worth a few seconds thinking before doing.

I will never be graceful.......I will always have a fear of falling.....but at least I can minimize doing the things that make me look foolish......I said minimize not erase totally......I am not looking for miracles.....I just want to blend in.....is that too much to ask?????

Renewed Gym Membership

As I mentioned in my previous post, I renewed my gym membership for another 2 years. It is hard to believe it has been 21 months since I first walked in the gym. Do I see major changes in my physique? Not really but there have been changes I can see.......during my recent trips I walked, I climbed and lifted and I carried. These are things I could not do before at least not as well as I can now. I no longer look for the closest spot in the parking lot. I now try to stand for longer periods of time. I feel so guilty if I cannot make it to the gym for one reason or another. I hope the next two years give me more mobility, endurance and the physical changes I seek. The 2 years will go by in a flash.....and I will continue to take you all along to see how it goes....

Another Underwear Story

OK so what is the deal with me and underwear??? No, I didn't forget it at home or leave it on the bench for everyone to see.....

I went to the gym yesterday. I remembered to take underwear for when I got out of the pool. The manager of the gym wanted to talk to me about my renewal since my membership would be up in January. I would rather sign up now instead of standing in line in January when everyone has their New Year's resolutions to fulfill. Anyway, I told him I would catch up with him on my way out. I worked out in the pool....it felt so good to be back!!! When I was done I grabbed my clothes and headed to one of the changing rooms. I do not change out in the open like some of the members......even if I was a size 2 I wouldn't change out in the open. Anyway, I took off my bathing suit and started to get dressed. Then it hit me......once upon a time I bought a pretty pair of lacy panties.....that were a smaller size then I am now. They were one of my incentives to lose weight. As soon as I pulled them out of my gym bag I knew I had made a mistake......I was not going to fit into these undies.....so here were my options......put my wet bathing suit back on and put my clothes on over it or .......you guessed it......go without....I opted to go without.....which would have been not too bad but then as I walked out of the locker room I realized I had to stop at the managers office about my renewal.......uugghh...that was the longest 10 minutes of my life......although I did find the time to ask if I could get any additional discounts so I guess I wasn't too uncomfortable......it was kind of funny thinking this poor manager should only know I am sitting here without the correct undergarments.....he probably would have given me a free membership just to get me out of his office.....maybe I should have called this entry Donna goes commando......LOL.....why does this stuff only happen to me?????

Back to a Normal Routine and the Basics

I haven't been too hard on myself lately. Due to my travels I have not been able to go to the gym or have the control over my food that I like to have......you do know I like to be in control don't you?

Well, I am finally at a point where I can get back on track. I have missed the gym. I have missed planning my meals. I have missed eating when I want to and when I want to.......

I think being out of routine makes it easy for me to regroup and start back at the beginning. It is time to pull it all together. For example, I have already made a salad to have for lunch tomorrow. I have planned on oatmeal for breakfast. I did some extra moving today by cleaning the car. I feel recharged and ready to get back on track.

It is time to get my act together.....no more trips to blame......no more meals that I can't plan.......so my goal is.....down 10 to 15 by Christmas......think I can do it???? I think I can.....maybe being forced to be out of control is what I needed to make me think about how comfortable I am when I am in control......ok hummus, mushrooms, wheat flatbread.....I am back....now I just have to focus.....

The Business Card

Any time I start to feel a little too big for my britches.....life throws me a reality check. I have a new job I love. I have been sent on trips for training and to meet other managers. I have been given a laptop and blackberry to do my job efficiently and effectively. I am almost through my test cases. And I have business card's. I have had business cards before but these say Donna Pizzlongo Vice President. I have to admit after all these years it was nice to see the title on the business card. OK my head may have swelled just a little bit......but then reality slapped me in the face.....

One of the people on my team came into my office with some questions. She sat down and we went over the issues. I was checking something on the computer for her when I saw her take one of my business cards from the $1 business card holder I treated myself to from Staples. Here is where the reality check took place......the next thing I saw was her using the card to clean the dirt out from under her finger nails......LOL.......LOL......thank goodness she took the card with her.......OK so I am not such a big shot after all........LMAO

Steve Jobs Quote....

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.

I think I have been living someone else's life. I have ......for the most part.......lived the life I think I was expected to by others. It is only now that I am thinking about the life I want to live. I want to not feel obligated to be a person's source of happiness. I want the freedom to seek my own happiness wherever that may be. I want to know true love. I want to have a safe place....a refuge. I want to be able to do what I want to do and when I want to do it.

Reality is I can't just take off and do whatever I want. I am the breadwinner, the medical benefit provider and I have a conscience......there is a lot written between all of these lines......

I do believe I still have time to live my life and I think with the blessings of most of the people I know, love and respect.....

Thinking about taking steps to make them happen......very scary.....but lately these ideas do not seem impossible.....just one step at a time.....one dream at a time......one day at a time......

Thanks Southwest Airlines

I started to examine when my hesitation (fear) about flying started. I used to love to fly. After much thought I realized I have Southwest Airlines to thank. Why Southwest you might ask.....

There was a show on cable about Southwest and the trials and tribulations of running an airline. On several episodes, they showed airline employees pulling overweight people from the waiting gates. They would bring the person on the plane and have them sit in a seat to make sure they didn't invade anyone else's space. If they did they would have to buy a second ticket. How humiliating is that??? Although in my heart of hearts I thought this would not happen to me.......there was that little voice saying "what if they pick you out of line?" I was crippled with fear.....

Well, no one pulled me out of line, I fit in the seat without a problem, I was very aware of "my space" and made sure not to invade the space of my seatmate. Each person I sat next to was very nice and no one made me feel uncomfortable.

I did have one scary moment but it was my misunderstanding that made it very funny. While waiting for our connecting flight in Philadelphia a very serious airline employee (who looked like he was about 12) announced on one flight there was going to be a weight restriction. A look of horror came across my face. He said that since the luggage on the plane was heavy that they might not be able to take all the passengers. Whew....I thought maybe US Airways had changed their name to Southwest!!!! Lisa who was traveling with me started to laugh.....she had heard the same announcement and thought what is going on?? I think she knew from the look on my face what I was thinking......

Well at least I figured my flying issues.....thanks Southwest.....thanks a lot!!!!

Another Business Trip

Last week I went on another trip to Maine. This was a Manager's meeting. It was so much easier to travel with other people from my office. The hard part is your eating is so thrown off when you travel. I had a muffin for breakfast on the run and then had an airport sandwich in the late afternoon. You know that sandwich had to be less than was desired but at least I wasn't hungry. When we got to the hotel I had an appetizer and a salad for dinner at 9:30.

The next day we were at the office by 8:30. The days were filled with meetings and activities. The work was mixed with team building. The team building included a murder mystery lunch, answering questions about ourselves, a dinner in a very quaint old house turned restaurant and laser tag. I was an observer for that event. Running around in the dark with no shoes on is not when I am at my best.

Before I knew it our Wednesday meetings were over and I was on my way home.

It was a great opportunity to meet some of the other managers but I am so ready to get back into my "normal" schedule. I have missed the gym and being more in control of what I eat.

Dorothy was right......there is no place like home.......